All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Yes LC eventually he will beg, usually at the point when he realises that both ships have sailed (you and the OW). At least some of that will be financially motivated and as an entirety, his motives will be completely self-serving, based on the best "deal" for him. Your son's interests and yours will be of much less relevance. Keep that in mind always when his begging starts and a good rejoinder to this would be: "Do you love me enough to let me go?"

In reality, of course he doesn't love you enough, but it would be a difficult one to wriggle out of, even for him, the master manipulator and gaslighter.

mmm, thanks WWIFN. I don't think he's heard the last from ow actually (her comiseration present to herself was a boob job ) so hopefully I've got a few weeks or months until the begging starts. By the time they've destroyed each other I'll be well on the road to recovery. That's the masterplan, anyway. The financial bit really concerns me as he is deeply in debt.

Picks up LC and spins her around laughing...its by far the right decision and I bet will herald an acceleration in your recovery

Well so many new faces, feel a bit overcome !

Kate the little you have said so far sounds like there lots of similarities between our splits. You sound poised and strong though and it certainly sounds like you want and will get a successful co parent relationship.

CV it sounds like you have been on a long horrible journey already. I got upset that my xh left and after a month or so told me he wouldnt be back and I felt gutted but now I can see it would have prolonged the agony which is what it sounds like you have been through.

Believe I lived with xh for a month knowing he was leaving all top secret, I think I was so busy surviving I didnt take much notice and anyway he was always out or vile when he was here so I looked forward to him going. How long have you got of it ?

Well cant deny have been glum last couple of days , I think the facts of moving and leaving here are sinking in and with it an anger directed at xh. Its a while since I have thought about the future I thought I was going to have but am not. This house has been such a project on and off for almost a decade and the only home my dd remembers. The awful truth is I think I will mourn the loss of it as much as my marriage

Dc came home after a day out in London with xh and ow and her son. Yet another shaming truth is that I dont care about me not being with him but I feel jealous at his relationship that they are in love ,having sex planning a future

Think I am generally just a bit haywire at present however it will pass and on the plus side I did much better at Exel today

Pink I am missing one of your long posts lets hope something sparks you ff soon

Happy you ok ? Dont suppose MM is much good with leaky ceilings ,artistic temperament and all that !

QC well done on taking a different route keep posting

Sov how are you now dont disappear when you feel low maybe typing on here might let some of it out and always remember you are doing an amazing job with your little brood

Starting great news on your college work you sound on fabulousity form !!

Waves to anyone not mentioned on this or previous post

Getting i just wish he would admit it and let me move on ,he has denied it so much and then they are driving around together ,why cant he admit it and let me move on ,instead im ok until another fucking lie comes out,he was in my house ,the day b4 he waved to my pal why not talk to me about it,because like everything else he hopes i wont find out ,but he knew it would come out so you think this time he will admit it ,then he says its the first time she has been in his car wtf !Why not give me closure instead of more and more lies ,i know all the answers ladies he will only admit it with photographs etc and then still deny it all i know is he is a pathalogical liar protecting this girl all just a game .
Lord i pray i meet a farmer from down South ,i would move tomorrow!!!

I'm going to switch the pc off I think and have a night away from the pc for a change here, I'll catch up on here tomorrow once DD is in pre school and ds is chilling with some fuzzy felt or something.

Big love to all the new ladies, just need some tv, a cuppa, a mince pie and an early night but anyone can private message me if they need to pick my brains or anything. We're such a huge fab community on here now, it's so nice, there's always someone about to help cheer us dumplings along when needed, I love it and love the fact I know we're all here for each other online x

What i meant was he was in my house [sun].......the day b4 [sat]he waved to my pal with his gf in our car he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong.I just dont and WONT EVER understand this complete lack of respect for my feelings and therefore my mental health,how the hell can i EVER have any respect for this bloke EVER!!!

X posted with you Urban, this time a year ago H was still feeding me a pack of lies and claiming he wasn't having an affair etc and it was all happening anyway. As the secrets started to come out the anger and all the other feelings was so hard. At least my H has now got to a place a year on when he's reliable about seeing the DC etc and is no longer lying to me but it took months and months and me also telling him very clearly to sort himself out and pushing for him to be truthful.

Gah men!

You're so awesome Patience, a top woman, sending positive vibes to you. Did you find the library book?

Hello Getting, I may sound poised - I have my moments! But right now, after our talk - he still gets to leave, go back to our home to chat to his new woman friend all night.

While I have spent 2 hours dealing with my five year old's tantrum. I know she is acting out and is troubled by it all and it's her way of showing it, then I have to try to persuade my 9 year old to even speak to him on the phone to say goodnight ( she wouldn't)

Then, tomorrow, I have to tell her he won't be at her Christmas concert as promised because he forgot (despite him having a ticket) and now he can't have the time off work (where he spends 7 hours sitting opposite the new love of his life!)

Of course I want the girls with me - but it's so hard to see him detach from their lives so easily.

He thinks he has done nothing wrong,he takes no responsibility for anything, hardly sees his kids and hardly pays any money ,thinks it is utterly fine to run off and tell a million lies after 16yrs ,sent me at least x10 texts today calling me an ugly c**t just wish i had never met the bloke and truly wish i didnt need to hand my kids over to him.Everytime something like this happens i am left shaking my head ,my dcs are the most precious thing in my life ,how could anyone put their emotional wellbeing at risk ,words do not come close to the dissapointment i feel re this adolescent,its astonishment mostly and once again DETATCH DETATCH DETATCH

"ugly c**t"

Flippin' heck Patience what a twunt! He really is a wank stain on humanity, I've said it before and I've said it again.

You're amazing and I love your attitude. He is the lowest of the low. Big ((hugs))

Kate thinking of you in these early and painful days. Surely he should move out somewhere and you stay there with your lovely girls to bring them some stability staying in their lovely house and old rooms? Your cheating H should be shipping out. Have you spoken Citizens Advice about your rights etc?

Keep letting your girls talk about their feelings, draw, kick a bean bag etc, it's so hard on them x

Thing is Tea why bother lying IYSWIM only one going to be upset is me so why protect her ,why hurt me ,why not go for the peaceful life ,im the one filing for divorce after 12ths seperation ,its not nasty ,he is making it nasty by making this an issue,in august he told me he had met someone and was moving on ,so why not have the decency to let me know ,he says i have no right to know but its just closure for me,and he wont do it just makes me lose all respect for the guy .

Just to add we really split and he left OCT '09 toing and froing DEF by Boxing day but all i am trying to say is its 14mths ffs get a life you LOSER!!!!I dont text him or speak to him now [this just proves why today]i see him 5mins a week for handover if he turns up .Then all i get is" weirdo,ugly c**t,good luck to the next poor fucker that has to live with you LOL!"
Hope no one else has to deal with this shite ,all i know is it can only hurt me if i let it but i just want to protect my dcs .
Away for a bath.Oh and mad snow today,schools closed !!!
Oh and found the book!!In the car didnt make it out the car for the whole fortnight !!!

Dont know if any of this makes sense but i guess he is in such a warped world now he is never coming out and some daft wee lassie looking for a father figure is all he has got,just another example of how i am well rid ,he will always make me the baddie but i know i am not and like ive said before that is why we split up we were incompatible
I AM FUCKING AMAZING AND HE'S NOT
it could never work

Tea - I don't think he's cheated, he is falling for her but at the moment I don't think is reciprocated. At most it is an emotional affair but I know he is working on making it more than that.

I can actually understand how he's feeling - I had a bit of a girly crush on someone at work...but that was all it every was and very one sided at that but that makes me feel that I probably wasn't giving 100% to our relationship either.

My only legitimate gripe is that I would have done anything to make it work now - but he will not consider it as he has his sights set on a new woman.

The girls and me love our little house - I am much better off financially renting than I would be in our house on my own - so it is the sensible thing to do. It will be put up for sale in the New Year and that's the best thing for us all I think. I hope that Christmas and the new year will be a positive start for me, the girls and him as well.

Wow this thread moves quickly....
I can't tell you what a blessed relief it is to hear that they are all doing the same thing and Its not all me....

My friend saw my ex at the shops (at the end of our my road) at the weekend with a girl. long story but when he left he said he was not leaving me for anyone but had got 'too close to' a girl at work but was not sleeping with her (hmmm) . When I dragged him to marriage guidance about this time last year he admitted that he was sleeping with her for a month or 2 after he left but had since ended it. Then about the next 8 months whilst I was pregnant were spent doing the 'yes I do I love you let's make it work' to 'actually no I can't/don't because you make me feel XYZ and my childhood issues make me feel blah blah blah before buggering off again. grrrr

Anyway I confronted him last week after I was told about being seen about whether this girl was the same one he was shagging getting to close to around the time that he left. He denied everything and said that my friend was mistaken and it wasn't him.

The next day for some reason he called me and admitted it was her - but that he has not been with her at all other than out for a few drinks the last couple of weeks and it's nothing serious. How can he expect me to believe this - and that she (and him obviously) was not responsible for the breakdown of our marriage and the reason for his ridiculous and odd behaviour over the last 8 months - It galls me as he can ONLY think about him him him and lies so easily- never mind the fact that in all the time he was umming and ahhing about if he wanted to be with me I was pregnant and then had a newborn baby to deal with. I am so so angry. To top it all I got an email tonight asking me if he could pay less money towards the mortgage as he has no money . I may explode - but instead have resorted to MN, Wine and fags GRRRRR . Sorry have no serenity tonight and just had to let that out.

I should have got over the fact by now that the man I loved and married can have turned into such a &*$% but I still have moments of disbelief. One saving grace is that he is very 'reasonable' about everything and does not slag me off - is also very good with DC's but not sure that this makes me feel any better right now as his actions towards me are enough to contend with anyway..

oh btw midst my anger I did want to throw a bit of positivity out there. Was invited to an afternoon party on Sat -only knew one friend who invited me but decided to be brave and go. I walked into a room of about 20 people and saw lots of glam ladies there and immediately felt like I had walked into a room of happily married people. I got talking to a few of the girls after a few more drinks and soon realised that - out of a room where there were about 12 v lovely attractive women - 5 of us were single parents. It was both enlightening and lovely to see as they were all the ladies that I had assumed were the happily married ones when I first walked in. sad but encouraging at the same time ! x

Hi 5s CV these guys are so feeble ,i just cant believe my X is hanging around with a 21yo like he is 21yo LOL , shakes head once again,what a complete tosser .Driving her around in our family car ,she is sitting in my fucking seat the tart ,thinking she is someone cos she has nabbed a married man ,Lord give me strength,thats all i needed was a bleeding yes man to be telling him he is doing everything right ,with this tart and his mother he is on a one way ticket to BONKERSLAND do not pass go do not collect £200 no return to sanity in this lifetime.

Oh OK Kate, I haven't caught up on the big chunk of the thread I've missed today, or I'd have probably known that already You do sound very together for so recently separating I have to say.

CloudView I would try and piece together a story that make sense on your break up through incontrovertible evidence, such as looking at his receipts, online mobile bills, looking at his mobile etc if it would help you to move on but sometimes it is easier to just accept the fact you'll never be able to piece the story together and accept it and move on. There are arguements for both options but perhaps in your situation it may help you to feel clearer about the past year? It's very hard when they won't be honest. When my H finally told me the truth blow by blow about 5 months on from separation it actually helped me a lot.

I would get some advice on maintenance and child support and know your rights, as really it's not your problem he has no money, you need what is necessary to keep a roof over your head and look after your children, you do not need the earth, just what you're entitled to. My H is neck deep in debt and often makes excuses or says he cannot pay me what he should. It's very frustrating

I need to go to bed as I'm so tired and neither of my LO's is sleeping well right now with constant colds etc. But hopefully my post vaguely makes some sense? Despite multiple typos I expect, as I'm yawning here Never did find anything I fancied watching on tv...

of course patience you are right. When you take a step back and look at the situation it is all self destructive behaviour on their part and may, at least in the short term allow them to feel like everything is great and they are living the life they dreamed of when they were caught up in the 'drudgery' of family life but .... fast forward a few years - that'll be interesting

Tea - thanks - I don't think that piecing together a story would be possible as he left in Oct last year - only briefly returning. But actually I feel as if I have wasted too much time wondering.. and for what ? He has now proved to me that he is so far removed from the person that I thought he was that I feel as if I would be giving him more headspace than he deserves and more than is good for me so I think I am almost at the stage where I can look forward and not obsess so much - in fact I have been very happily moving forward with life - DCs, friends, family and life in general - It was just this sighting then confession that has catapulted me back to where I was about a year ago after the last few days.

The feelings have all come flooding back but as I have learned over the last year - feelings help us process , move on etc and then will pass so I don't need to send angry texts to him (err ok so I may have sent one earlier on) -just feel them and let them flow.... Need to catch up on corriefest and forget about RL for a bit I think ...

Wow - so many new stories I can't keep up. Feeling very strong today :) We are all such a lovely lot of kind women who are FAR TOO NICE to the cheating lying bast who have nearly broken us.
Urban - my fella called me a c* all the time - I can relate to your post and admire your strength. Mine also went off with a 20 year old. Patterns of behaviour eh? He hated me cos he hated himself - he knows he is pathetic and he is a sad and troubled man.
Midnight - although outwardly it seems nice that your ex lit a candle for you, aren't they all just full of grand romantic gestures and fancy words cos they know we are so soft hearted and lovely? What did any of these men ever DO for us that was actually helpful, loving, kind or involved any sort of compromise, selflessness etc. I'll tell you - nothing.
And Kate - DON'T feel guilty that you had a little crush on someone at work. It was just that - a crush. He's had an affair!!! Which he wasn't man enough to admit to. You had a crush because you were so miserable and felt so unloved. We women are great at feeling guilty and thinking thta somehow it's all our fault. IT'S NOT. AND we all try and act with dignity and serenity whilst bringing up our kids on our own, selling houses (been there), dealing with "broken" men who feel sorry for themselves, paying the bills and running a household, putting up trees, being sensitive to our kids' needs - the list goes on and on...
And Clouded - you are bloody amazing, you really are. Much much love and respect to you. Don't even bother finding out the sordid details - your ex has completely let you down and you deserve much much more, either on your own or with someone who will love and value you.
Citydoll - hope you are ok - I'm thinking of you today. Your marriage was not a waste.You have a son, you are a fighter, you are a kind and lovely woman and in time you will come to see that.
Mumfun - I love your posts - they give me strength
Getting - hope today has been better and the unease has passed. Remember your shiny dumpling award - well earned.
Tea - you are a top poster and an honorary Geordie in my book
Hi to all other dumplings - I've read everything and you are all in my thoughts, helping me through. Just want to say "thanks" :)

And I've awarded myself a dumpling award today - it's clinking on the chest as we speak. It's for finally reaching a tipping point with fb bard and not caring what the f he thinks/does/says anymore. AND for not waking up with a panic attack or feeling like crying at any point today.
Hooray for me! Woo hoo!

Honourary geordie? LOL I was born in Berkshire Home counties bird. But I'll take the compliment.

I'm getting confused with all the new people's stories on here

Have you deleted him then from fb?

Right really am off to bed now. 30 mins after I said I needed to

[hopeless addicted to mumsnet emoticon]