All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Avada/Kate - are you still living with your partners even though you are dumped? I am going to be in this situation too, btw.

Oh Citydoll, it sounds like you're in shock and need a huge hug. I hope you can get one in RL, but for now have a virtual one from me. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling after so many years together, but agree that your child means those years were not wasted, you still have a lot of living to do and you will do it ... just grant yourself a little time to grieve and to recover. I'm learning that it isn't necessary to be strong, that its OK to crumble and not cope, just so long as you take good care of yourself, lean on your lovely friends and start taking the steps towards your new and wonderful life.

Avada, my suggestion that you need to lean on your friends applies to you too. I know from personal experience how hard itis when you've always been the strong one, or the coper, but people do love you and will want to support you through this difficult time. You just need to trust them ... you don't need to tell them what you need, although hugs and lots of phone calls to check on you would probably be a good start.

believe that sounds really tough. It was hard enough doing so when I was the dumper and not the dumpee, so you have my utmost sympathies.

Lovely post Kate and hello

believeyourtruth No - I have moved out with my girls, I thought that a bit of space and the fact that he could see what he's lost would make him want to work at rebuilding our relationship. But he simply does not want that.

I rented somewhere close to the family home, I work part time and am getting by with tax credits and bit of housing benefit.

I am just going through all the different stages of the split, denial, grief, anger...but soon I am going to meet him face to face and we are going to speak truthfully about what is going on with him and the issues that caused the split. I am hoping that will help me to draw a line under it and move forward to a situation where we can be good parents to our girls. If I hear about the other women and tell him about things that I think contributed to the split I think it will all be a bit clearer.

My main problem is not knowing why he didn't want to go to counselling or work on saving it together. I suspect he has grown close to another woman.

Kate - I didn't realise there was another woman involved. That is tough. Counselling is a no-no in my house (I believe in it, he doesn't).

Midnights - what happened when you split? Did you live apart then?

Oh my, so much chat and new faces. I'll try and catch up once the kids are in bed. Just baking mince pies with DD and about to start on dinner. STBXH has been over today playing with the DCs.

Anyone had to carry on living in same house when dumped?

Yes - for 5 bloody, horrible months - had to put up with it to get Consent Order sorted in my favour! It was very difficult but with patience and dignity (my other middle names - please read my own previous post) I secured what I wanted and kept MY house.

Hi everyone - and all newcomers! Been at work today. Think I'm regaining my serenity over exbf. I'm SO ANGRY with him now. He's posted another song on fb (it's shit, it's about snow) and his friend (who is also my friend) has said "glad you're doing something productive with your hibernation time". She gave him a hard time about me. If only she knew that he was back on the dating website and has written "I'm doing ok now but I've been without a companion for 5 years now". ARRRGGGGHHH! I wish I was horrible enough to post her the link but I will retain my dignity. What a waste of a year he was. Sneaking back into his friends' good books when he's a total shit.
There :) better.
Will catch up with the thread soon...just had to have a rant.

Love to everyone .....had an odd weekend funny dreams ,really sad just couldnt get on with things lost my way a bit IYSWIM ,funny thing is when all this was happening to me a good friend of mine saw X out with his gf at the shops,her in the passenger seat and they both waved at my friend
ok all abit so what for me, but i have always asked X to be honest regarding this half his age skank and he has always denied it ,i can get on with my life but stuff like this just pulls me down,my friend called me today to tell me and she was worried she had upset me but she thought i would want to know and its true because it helps me push him away ,but the thought of her sitting in my seat in my family car just makes me so angry ,it will pass and it will help me to move forwards just a painful day.Why cant he tell me the truth and let me move on ,because he is a weak selfish man who still enjoys hurting me ,cant believe it has ended like this ,nearly had a fag x
If i didnt have dcs i wouldnt be bothered but i dont want her near my kids .........

Thing that gets me is he visited my house yesterday knowing all of this and he still moaned about money but didnt let on that he had been seen.Again that would have softened the blow for me or at least an opportunity to come clean ,but he is lower than a snakes belly ,says it has fuck all to do with me and fuck off ,anyway i told him i will never have him in my home again we will go back to drop offs again at a neutral place,such a wanker ,such a lying conman LOL!!!

Waves to all.........Have been really struggling to keep up with thread as I've so much college work atm. Have made a lot of progress with assignments so light at end of tunnel at last .

Twinkle, welcome & hope you find lots of support on here ((Hugs))

Goo, you're sounding like you're getting stronger all the time

Kate, you pics are great & a REALLY good idea. I used to do so much with my dc's too in order to maintain a happy home & I think it's a great idea to capture this with photo's. ((Hugs))

Happy, my thoughts are with you & all the emotional stuff you've to deal with atm ((Hugs))

Maybee, for the first year I also did cards as normal from me, xh & family. It takes time to separate out these things. This is my 3rd xmas so easy, peasy at this stage. It gets easier ((Hugs)). Mine was a killjoy too at xmas & it can really help to remember this during the more difficult moments.

Urban, this deserves a dumpling award " i have my own money worries now ,sorry if i dont seem interested You chose this ,we didnt " or "My X told me he was trying his best today ,i said "Yes me too "managed not to follow it up with"Watch the door doesn't hit your arse on the way out..... PRICK!"

Midnight, hope you feel a bit brighter soon, you were bound to have a bit of a downer with all you've had to deal with. Dealing with the snow & ice can be v hard when you've nobody to help you out ((hugs)). Stocked up on vit D after reading your post

Sov, hope you're managing to stay strong ((Hugs))

WQ, glad all good on workfront, hope all else ok for you

Getting, xh in new car . Well done on maintaining dumpling poise!

Queencat, well done on reaching for a ciggie instead.

Clouded, you must have gone through hell discovering you were pg after h left. Well done, you sound like a v strong lady .

Big Waves to Tea, Pink, Mumfun, Rom, LC & anyone else I'm forgetting.

Hope everyone else is keeping ok. Will try to catch up properly with thread one of these nights. Heading off to college again in awhile (if I get there in snow & ice!) so just having a quick coffee while dinner's in the oven . All going very well with Norm . It's over 3mts now & I'm liking him more & more.

citydoll - how did you cope?

Ok, had opened thread to read at 12 today & hadn't refreshed before typing my post so sorry if my comments to some don't make sense . Will catch up again later!

Patience, I had all that too with xh & it's really hard. ((Hugs))

Goo, you're well rid of xp. for you with comment that he was without partner for 5yrs!

Hello all new and old.

Citydoll god it must be hard for you atm 37 years ffs but you are doing really well and once you have survived the festive season you can start the new year with a clean slate.

Mumfun nice to hear from you, you always sound lovely and upbeat

Patience sorry . I remember seeing ow drive past about 3 months after he left in his car, the car we too had had loads of family holidays in.Its those small things that are just crap but you know this will pass. I suppose I am used to ow being around kids now but that stinks too.

googoo your xbf sounds like a complete prat and all this bearded bard stuff must actually be helping you know you are well rid.

WQ glad you are ok

Will come and post later have to take ds football training now

All these new dumplings, I can't keep up!

Citydoll, I feel for you. Those 37 years are very important, a huge part of your life but I can understand today it's just too raw. And here's to the next 37 years . It's never too late to start having fun again. My mum had 2 marriage proposals in her seventies but she turned them both down as she preferred being single.

Today was a turning point for me, too. I told xp in plain and simple terms that I do not want to try again. I've never actually said he could come back but I don't think I was clear enough or hard enough about it. But the biggest thing was that I actually believed myself. I think in the back of my mind I've been hoping that he wasn't actually a deceitful liar, that underneath there was a decent person. But these last few weeks have been all about him. Again. He's frightened, he's scared, he can't cope, he can't eat, he's drinking too much. He has never at any point said I'll do anything to make it up to you, how can I help you, I'm so worried about you. No, it's all about him, as usual. Grrr.

This is frightening but it's do-able. Chin up, tits out.

Hello to all the newbies, will try to catch up later.

How do you get through having to live together when you find it really hard and are very hurt/angry/has happened many times before?

How do you change your mindset that you have to start a new life (especially when he has already started doing that and can't wait to move on)?

believe, I don't know but living together definitely does not help. You will start to feel better when you have your own space and look back on this time and wonder how you coped. Then you will have the realisation that you are, in fact, a very strong person.

Well done Littlecritter. I cannot sufficiently express my delight and pride in you. This is the most significant watershed moment yet. Stay strong and don't waver.

Thanks, WWIFN. Any idea what happens next as he seems to be following the script? Will he beg? Do I have to steel myself or will he just slope off? OW and her H are trying to fix their marriage apparently.

Just saw my ex. I decided today to face up to my shortcomings in our relationship - and to let go of the bitterness I felt when I was blaming him for everything.

He finally admitted he does have feelings for someone else. It was who I had suspected and I actually feel relieved that I wasn't going crazy and putting 2 and 2 together and making 5. I am the least paranoid person you could meet! But my gut instinct was correct about this woman.

The time line for his changes in attitude to me co-insided with him meeting her, so I knew something had happened to make him dis engage from our family life.

If I'm truthful, I am pining and upset for what we were and how he was in the past - and it's not been like that for years. I think it took him having feelings for someone else to open his eyes to us plodding along.

I deeply regret that he wouldn't try to work on our relationship (for the sake of the girls) I think that we could have got over our communication issues. Tonight is the first time we've spoken honestly about our feelings ever.

I'm feeling OK, and feel like I've drawn a line under it. Hope I still feel alright tomorrow.

believeyourtruth - it was very, very hard but I had to persevere as I did not want anything to jeopardise the Consent Order at that time. My DS and I just lived in our bedrooms or escaped to a good friend's house most of the time. One night, I remember, at about midnight, my DS and I were at a McDonalds, having apple pie and milk shakes (just to escape from it all! I went into survival , defensive mode and did not cry or rant or show any emotions when finding out about OW. I stayed focussed and amybe on reflection, should have let go a bit because now when everything is over, I have a terrible backache and may need to see a spinal surgeon!

You will survive - just put your defences up - if needs be, work out kitchen schedules so that you are not in each other's way. Then, it will be silly things like, is he doing his own laundry etc. etc.

Yes, I suppose it's like sink or swim re survival mode. Sometimes you just have to do it if there is no other option. Must mess with your mental health though.

Kate, I'm glad you were able to talk so rationally. My xp has absolutely no insight at all into what has happened to him so I haven't yet had any answers or even a reasonable dialogue.