All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

LOL i guessed that!!

Hello, I've been lurking for a bit - can't tell you how much this thread and one other in Relationships has helped me over the last few weeks. I can't believe how many blokes follow the same script - and how many women are in a similar situation.

I was with dp for 13 years, 2 dc (5 and 9) and my daughter who just left for uni. Split with dp in October, I left the house and am renting - I stupidly expected a bit of time apart would make him realise what he was in danger of losing. It did for first 2 weeks after I left (back to the man he used to be!) Then he suddenly decided that the 'single' life was for him after all and he hasn't loved me for years.

He always denied any involvement with anyone else - but (SURPRISE!) it's now coming out about his emotional affairs with (at least) one woman. He's being very cagey as he thinks I'm going to hit him where it hurts (his wallet!)

I walked straight into the trap of trying to help him - I moved out with the girls and now he's seeing them very little and off out all the time

I have good days, and really really bad days. Sat crying, with a physical pain in my heart. But this thread has really helped me not feel so alone so thankyou ladies :)

I have found writing a diary - and The Divorce Doctor book really helpful. I am also keeping a photo journal on Blipfoto so I can look back to when I was in the depths of despair and see that I was there for my girls and we did nice things together www.blipfoto.com/katesphotos and what he's now missing out on (even though he doesn't seem to care? How does that happen?)

I am actually looking forward to Xmas and New Year. We are selling the house and I hope I can move on.

Twinkle - That must be hard if you let him have her over night twice a week That's very generous but painful for you.

Welcome Kate, you're very brave, lots of us like our anonynimity (sp?) on here and wouldn't want someone in real life to know it's us on here, whereas you seem to have used your real name and linked a real web page. Good to know us dumplings are supporting/ helping people, even lurkers

Welcome Kate - you have very beautiful girls I love the title of your photo too :)
I know about physical pain in the heart too, I'm sure we all do. One of the first things I did when exh left was to spend a night taking down all the photos and having a good cry. When I looked at the photos, remembered just before they were taken or just after they were taken I had been crying because exh had been verbally abusive to me. So I replaced my old photos with new ones of me, the kids and my mum and dad and it was so cathartic.
Twinkle I have just read your thread. I really feel for you. My exh left 3 years ago this coming January. He had already left in the November but came back saying he would sort it out. But Christmas was awful, he was out drinking, swearing at me etc and he left January 7th. I went to work like a robot, then by the Wednesday I sat in the car on an industrial estate, phoned my boss and told him. Best thing I did. I had a month off.
Btw, I'm 38 (gulp) now. I was married for 6 years. Exh left when kids were 18months and 4. Now they are 7 and 4 - two boys. I've been on a very steep learning curve since the divorce, which has included having two relationships with men who didn't repsect me and losing my best friendship as her husband is best mates with my exh. Despite this, I count my blessings and I'm humbled by the girls on here, who are dealing with much more difficult situations. You women have helped me so much already :)

Hey Tea
No - don't mind about my name being out there :) Did think about it but, for me - I am quite a closed book in RL and it helps me to talk about how I am feeling openly online iykwim. I find it really difficult to tell people that I am struggling sometimes (feel like I have to be strong all the time) but what I should do is actually speak about how I feel, so I guess if anyone knows me then they are hearing how I feel.

Hello everyone
I am another one who has been reading this wonderful thread for some time. My H left me and DD who was just 2 then in Oct 09. I found out I was pregnant a week after he left and now live with my DD (3.5 years) and 5 month old DS. I guess I would have joined you all a bit sooner but he has done a lot of very messy (and ultimately heartbreaking) dithering over the course of the last 14 months ... but it's all been final since October (ie he ran for the hills again and I now know that even if he decided once more that he wanted to try again I just haven;t got it in me anymore)

Tea -I think I remember your first thread - I read your words of wisdom now and find you an inspiration. Actually I think I may have been in touch in the early days too with Gettingeasier and Maybee but I have namechanged since then (was pregnant and was in such a state then that can't even remember what my name was - my MN name that is!). Anyway my DS still wakes up quite a lot in the night and I have been using the hours in the night when I can't get back to sleep to catch up on your thread - I can't say I have managed all of it but I have to say that it is SO GOOD to read - I can really identify with almost everything that you have all written at some point and really feel the strength from you ladies that you have all given to each other - (It certainly beats the lone parents section and is far more cheery) and would love to stick around. hello

Well done Queencat, I was hoping you were ok.

Hi WQ, glad you're ok too.

Googoo, that must be so hard, losing your best friend too.

Hello Twinkle and Kate. This is a good place to be , especially around xmas.

Hey hello! Lots of inspiration on here. Nice to see you - I'm so sorry about the awful time you've had :(
Anyway, nice to meet you :)

Crossposted with Cloudedview. Hello to you too.

What a state you must have been in, discovering you were pregnant just after he left. Hope he felt suitably ashamed of himself.

Here's a good dumpling anthem for all you lovely lasses out there. Love as always from the frozen north!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDEHQGF-V18

Twinkle just remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS hope ur wee one has a better night tonight .I've had a real"Why?" weekend myself ,and had a bit of a cry about life /xmas/my dcs etc but when i feel like this i just keep putting one foot in front of the other,the why days are a lot less for me these days but all normal,it is a shite time ,no doubt about it , my X has turned into a zero responsibility whingeing fecker .I just try and stay in the day .dont plan to far ahead and dont rely on anyone for anything ,that way i dont get dissapointed ,you will be fine ,use this time to enjoy being you ,dont feel guilty for having ME time ,indulge urself every opportunity you can get !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi No don't think he felt ashamed - just blamed me for wanting to try for a second baby and getting pregnant when 'you must have known we were falling apart'. hmm sadly only he knew quite how much we were falling apart as he was planning on leaving but just forgot to inform me hmmmm

Googoo hugs Urban
Sending you vibes for the library book :)

Go these exh/xp/xbfs are bloody great at working out how not to feel guilty over their totally unreasonable and pathetic behaviour. My exbf has just done a similar trick - finished it but been thinking about it for 4 months, so now informs me that he's sorry I'm upset but he is already over it (and on a dating website). Great eh? It was all your fault for getting pregnant and not being a mind reader and actually thinking that you had a stable relationship as you were married. for you

CV hope you feel now that you can start to move on and heal ,although OCT is still very fresh,i had a lot of toing and froing but X was never going to cope in a "equal " partnership,everytime he tried he ended bolting to the pub ,now i have a new home and a new life ,cant go back ,could never accept a life of disrespect ,funnily enough i would never be happy.This road is a bit bumpy , a bit twisty and its all good character building stuff,helps you to recognise a lot of stuff you missed before , LOL!!Lots of professional piss takers out there that dont stand a chance when they are dealing with a dumpling .Post when you feel like posting if it helps x

My X told me he was trying his best today ,i said "Yes me too "managed not to follow it up with"Watch the door doesn't hit your arse on the way out..... PRICK!"
My serenity is definately improving

Kate i know what you mean about finding it difficult to talk to people about it all.I just dont think people get it unless they have been there.
I would never bother to talk to anyone in RL about the stuff i write on here because they wouldnt have any idea,i also go with the vibe that if people arent really listening then that isnt the right person to be talking to ,very few people would keep in touch with me in RL ,my friends on this thread have been a huge support and never judgey ,its not allowed ,we all loved our men or still love them ,its all about surviving being ditched and rediscovering our FABULOSITY !!!!

Urban
Was it you with the lost library book - don't worry, just ring the library and renew it. Worst comes to worse, tell them it's lost and you may have to pay something towards the cost...but it won't be as much as a fine building up if it's on your ticket. Don't know where you live - but children's books in my library don't get fines. I love Libraries. They rock! I've also got every single 'helping you through your break up' book from every library in a 5 mile radius! :)

Urban - I think that I let a lot of my friendships go while I was with ex dp. I just didn't feel that I needed anyone else. Horrible thing is - he's obviously been building relationships with other women he can talk to - and I am left bereft while he still has the close support and talking to someone else. So glad I found this thread - still surprised that so many stories are the same :(

Hate myself for being so involved in my relationship that I didn't forge friendships with other people - but it was just me and him. (Or so I thought!!)

I'm stepping out of my comfort zone now and meeting new people (not fella's!) but people I have stuff in common with.

I find it really hard because I feel that the only person who knows me is HIM. Will anyone laugh at my jokes? Understand what I mean? I used to say to him - "When we are at parties the only person I want to talk to is you" Feel like a fool - he only wanted to talk / email his good 'friend' and couldn't wait to get online to talk to her :(

Hello all,

Sorry to have gone missing, I was trying to have a period of cold turkey in relation to exP and even being on this thread made me think about him and brought the tears. Unfortunately, he still has some major items of furniture I'd lent him (in advance of our moving in togeter) and only got round to organising a date/time to return it when the weather turned. So, I'm still waiting, still unable to draw a line under it until this is behind me. When speaking to him, I am like sov and googoo, I just switch into caring for him mode automatically which is a habit I sooooo need to break. He told me that he'd lit a candle for me in Milan cathedral and prayed for me on a recent visit with his son. I know he meant well, but I also know its all about easing his guilt. I flick between wanting him back at any price and thinking he's not the man I thought he was and that he no longer has my respect. Hopefully when the music stops, it'll leave me at the right end of that particular equation.

The snows also tipped me over the edge into depression - I felt isolated and alone - my mood has been altered by the lack of natural daylight (and so vitD), by cabin fever, but mostly by being unable to get out for my regular walks. For some reason that is the only time I can process stuff and it really saves my sanity. I don't walk in the snow/ice as have serious back troubles, so not worth the risk of falling. Thank goodness its thawed ... I managed to get out on Saturday afternoon and feel sanity returning.

To all my fellow dumplings, I say a huge "thank you". Its through you that I realised how much I needed to care for myself - I'd stopped eating properly and although I was losing weight, it was too much too fast and wasn't doing me any good. The advice given on here is soooo valuable and much appreciated.

I'm sorry that my participation is still just me, me, me ... I do read everyone's posts and feel so much for you all.

Hi and welcome to Twinkle, Kate, CV !

Qc Glad you got strength to cope with a really tough situation.

Warrior -strangely I didnt worry about you but glad to see you posting!

Happy -sorry BE has been such an arse -leaving party grrrrr

Midnight - glad you are eating and taking care of you. The most important thing after they leave is to take care of ourselves and of our kids -and to seek some kind of support for ourselves -whether family,friends in RL or counselling or online or in groups such as Divorce Care/Support Groups.

I had never realised that lurkers would find it help to read this thread. I had only thought of it for us - but really glad it does more than that. Im only sad that other women have to go through the same - there is such a script a lot of the time. I was warned about the possibility of an OW before i knew of her existence (by some women from another support forum). They could read the signs so clearly (sadly)

If it helps anyone this is the other online support website I belong to midlifeclubforum.com/ -its for people going through midlife crisis themselves or spouses and has been a lifesaver for me. Its changed format so not so easy to find basic information now but still worth looking at some of the threads where people ask for support on specific difficulties :midlifeclubforum.com/index.php?board=6.0 Its US based but lots of UK members.

IM back into music and this for dumplings today. The words of are interpreted in many ways but I take it as shining out in difficult times

Kate I totally get you that its so easy to have your DP as your best friend and neglect others. The good news is that you can reach out now and make new friends and it can get better.

Patience glad your serenity is improving. I totally get that people on here and my MLC board understand as noone else. In my old married totally happy life I would have struggled to understand.

Goo goo they are so awful as you say - they have moved on and then wonder why you havent -but they never told you they were distancing themselves in preparation for a separate life - grrr

And Clouded -again they blame and blame you for everything they can - again it is a psychological ploy to make them feel better about what they have done. Hope you can stick around through all the small children demands!

Kate -I have seen keeping a journal being really recommended - so good for you. And very brave about posting it - but please be aware that anyone could see it and link it to your posts.

Maybee - sorry you cant tell everyone yet - hope you can in the near future as the support can be so helpful

Googoo glad you could support your friend. And glad you eventually got a good birthday night out of the house!

Getting -sorry you have a drip drip of yucky things to do. But youre doing so much right -including getting out of house when your Wasband (Was husband - taken from my other website) is there

Smiles to Tea, Starting and Pink.

Hi to everyone else Ive missed. Finally getting into Christmas spirit. The DCs love their Advent Calendars - bought them special ones and its a small joy every day to get up and open them with them.

Hi, evetyone,

I received my Decree Absolute in the post a few minutes ago - 37 years of my life condensed into a few lines on an A4 sheet of paper!

I feel totally devastated and distraught; what a terrible, terrible waste of my life!

What a horrible way to end it all!

Oh Citydoll Im still around and very sorry . Such a tough things to happen. But life can/will get better. Its not wasted. You have a lovely child, great friends and great possibilities for the future.

Keep chatting on here -and hopefully we can have a Dumpling meetup soon -Patience has suggessted a weekend away

I'm recently dumped and I can't cope. I skived off work today and have been drinking wine. I am in tears for the umpteenth time today and I can't seem to put into words what I support I need from friends so have been putting brave face on it, the only person who knows I am struggling badly is my ex and he is more of the life goes on, pull yourself together type of person(in a nice way though) although even he doesn't see the worst of it, and more otthe point I'm not his problem anymore am I

I've had heartache before but nothing like on this scale.

help me cope please

AvadaKedavra It will get better, you have to believe that. I'm going through the same thing, and my ex has detached himself from our relationship very quickly and is moving on.

Some days are awful but they will get less and the tears will fall a bit less. I have never been a 'self help' book person but I have got loads of getting over your break up books from the library. And they are really helping me. Currently reading The Divorce Doctor and trying to take the advice of realising that "It's not about You" which helps when I can't get the thoughts of my ex and what we had and our future plans from going round and round my head.

Lots of books have exercises to calm your self down when that pain in your chest gets too much. One more thing...cry, let it out. I have not done that in front of my friends or family but I have done it plenty of times on my own. Just let it out (for hours if that's what it takes ) Tears are for a reason - you're body is reacting to the shock and pain and grief you are feeling. They are a release and one day you'll be going to bed and you'll think "I havn't cried today" I had my first day of that last week. I've been in tears today though as I have to see my ex because of the children.

Thinking of all us dumplings on here - we will get through it (even if it doesn't always feel like it)