All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Sov just to say mine said all this stuff ,he says" ur a good girl patience all day long ,you'll meet someone that will look after you ,you deserve it ,you're a great mum,i cant sleep because of the guilt ,i dont want my kids to go without "
Wtf am i meant to say to that ,tosser.
Dont know if he is seeing the kids sunday,all i know Sov is like you if he is acting like a victim im not the rescuer anymore ,i dont enter into a conversation as i will become the persecutor,i just have to step back ,the days he sees the kids i am free from 10 til 5pm [this doesnt happen very often]if he doesnt turn up i try and do something different anyway ,buy a magazine take us out a walk ,last week we built a snowman,anyway all i know is i cant change him ,i have no control over him but i didnt once cause him not to see his children,unfortunately it is just another part of his pattern of behaviour ,its just not a priority He would really like it to be and he feels really guilty that its not ,my X will be in tears about what he has done no doubt but its just not enough to change their behaviour,maybe one day it will be Sov but meanwhile i just roll with the days he sees them and shrug the days he doesnt ,i have created a stable world for them and i dont know if i ever will meet another guy that i fall for like i did their father and that hurts because i dont want anyone else i just want my husband ,but i waited years for him to be considerate and not a selfish bastard ,i could wait the rest of this life holding on to that dream ,meanwhile i have 2 kids to bring up ,homework to do ,football,swimming,gymnastics and ballet classes to drop off and pick up,i didnt ever think he would miss his ds playing football wtf is that about ,nothing is more important than that in my book.It all sucks Sov it all hurts ,i just think the only way i cope is crying when you need to,shouting when you need to and realising thru every stage he isnt the man you thought he was ,my jaw still drops .Anyway x3 wks will be xmas eve i wonder what i will be doin and if the kids will be seeing the in laws this year ? I think i just think life goes on tbh and the more stable i am the better for my kids and that stability has come from me detatching from my X,his behaviour can only hurt me if i let it hurt me and i try not to get involved anymore then it doesnt hurt me .I had to let him go ,excrutiating though it was .Now i try to live my life without feeling the "rage of injustice " everyday ,and most days i get there ,but thats nearly 12 mths .Anyway need to write my xmas cards soon.Oh and my bin got emptied today result...and we made real popcorn ,always an exciting snack science and nutrition

Tea.. that's for cheering dumpling googoo up so much x

Oh Sov just to add i know that when i am sad, angry ,feeling whatever extreme emotion ,my X is out his nut feeling no pain whatsoever ,well i did it fucking straight ,no drink ,no drugs[just a couple of hundred fags] and looked after my 2 offspring because thats what parents do ,there was no option, they are my kids and no drug or lover would keep me away from them .Funnily enough i expected the same from my X ,how wrong i was .........

Sorry i didnt make the party girls just back home[working, with dcs in tow lol!]seriously need to get a better broadband connection missing my tunes x

hi pink and urban. just finished dancing. parched now. might have to have a diet coke and possibly a birthday fag. gonna catch up on your posts. I tell you what, that's the power and kindness of strong women on here. started the evening feeling like SHIT and ended up managing to dance round my living room. I might never be able to trust a man again but I still believe in the goodness of human nature :)

it sure is good to dance goo goo ,it got me thru a lot of pain ,just keep dancin !!!!!!

Urban, just read your longer posts. You are very strong to have that attitude and I can tell it still hurts you. "His behaviour can only hurt me if I let it hurt me" - that's very wise and I'm going to remember it. I love your posts. One thing's for certain - we are all very strong and our ex partners are weak as shit. we should be proud, bringing up our kids, holding it together, providing stability and love, trying again and again to do the right thing.

Aww quickly Happy Birthday Googoo. Had a quick look at the fab music power thread - Wish I could have joined in but another time :)

Sov -so sorry your XP is such a selfish git(polite version)

Getting - hugs re house measuring and sale

Got to go lovely dumplings as have mad busy weekend!

Well, I feel like my sorry story is a bit teenager-ish but got another installment...
Have a fabulous friend who is 50, very sexy and independent been a single mum for many years, has two boys who are now in early twenties. She met a bloke on the internet (as I did with exbf). I was telling her about how exbf is already back on dating site and she was sympathising. She's just sent me a text. Decided to look on match.com and found her current man still on there and active. They've been seeing each other for about 9 months, have been on long foreign holiday and keep going for weekends to his mum's. And they are living in each other's pockets.
Crikey. Wish I'd never told her my woes now. What is it with these "men"?!!!!!!

All i know googoo is when i married my X it was for keeps in my book and it is as if last year he jumped ship from the whole marriage and parenthood thing and its more tempting for him to stay away than it ever was to work hard and come back to us .He saw some mad get out clause and took it ,no matter how much pain he caused,but then back in Sept he would say to me ,why cant you just be happy ?Thats when you realise that there is some part seriously missing.I will always miss him but i guess what im trying to say is i owe it to myself to move on and discover the rest of my life's stoty ,i cant hang around dwelling on my Xs behaviour ,thats where my positivity comes in because if i give out good vibes i get good vibes back ,he chose his road and now i am choosing mine .I dont feel superior to him ,i dont feel anything much tbh all i ask is that i get to a place that his selfish behaviour doesnt upset me or the dcs anymore and i think thats my biggest achievement is that i am learning to control the damage limitation and therefore have more peace in my home and that is reflected by a new calmness in my dcs behaviour ,again what i give out will be given back to me so when i stopped letting my X affect me ,my life with dcs got more peaceful x

I know what you mean. I'm in a good place with exh 3 years down the line. He is a good man underneath the temper and I must say he has always been there for his boys - time and moneywise, which has surprised me and I know I'm lucky there. But my search for another fella has just made me stressed and miserable and has affected the kids' behaviour and even in the past week they have been calmer because I am just being with them, physically AND mentally and not worrying about some waste of space who's never around. And I owe it to them to keep doing that because they only have one childhood and I only have one chance at being a mum. So that's what I'm focusing on. And they give me so much love and that's worth more than any man's empty words. You reap what you sow eh? And when I married my exh it was for keeps too and a part of me still grieves for that because in so many ways we will always know each other better than anyone else. He was round tonight - brought the boys over with a card and present and had a cupp and told me exbf was a twit and I looked at him and thought - no matter what else he's done (which was a lot - he was horrid), he's never lied to me. Any man that makes the exh look good though is really a loser. He has faced up to his responsibilities too late - when we wre married he was always out working/drinking, I did everything and he just swore at me the whole time, told me I was too thin, frigid etc. He was a crap husband but he's actually a good exh. Life is strange...

morning all. stomach churning again. text from exbf saying "sorry". ugh. going to try and get out tonight. hope you are ALL well. thank you for party last night tea. I was feeling the love and appreciated it so much :)

Hmmm I wouldn't reply Googoo, although it must be very hard not to engage and begin a dialogue. I'm cleaning like a mad woman this morning for some reason. Just popped on to see what was happening whilst waiting for the Viakal to do its stuff.

I haven't actually caught up on the thread from yesterday, I read your post Googoo. But I'll try later after finishing the bathroom and mopping the kitchen.

Love to you all x

Well, I've shaved my legs. And I'm going out tonight if I can get to Newcastle (40 miles away).
Exbf phoned after he texted sorry. Basically he just fell out of love with me. And all of his friends are giving him a hard time about me. And he feels bad for himself. And would I like to visit as soon as possible as a friend. Presumably so that everyone can see that he hasn't broken my heart. He becomes more pathetic as this goes on. Why am I upset that this man fell out of love with me? I could do so much better. A long time in the future.
And my poor friend who found out that her bf is still active on a dating website has gone awol. Hoping to find her and take her out tonight.
Hope everyone is ok today. Keep strong. Love to you all :)

Urgh oh don't bother Googoo, how pathetic. Obviously not man enough to tell you though how he really felt and instead he carried on luke warm until you called it off Grrrrr!

Newcastle to take your friend out tonight sounds like a plan

Hope you enjoy your belated birthday celebrations, Googoo.

thank you LC - I'm going to try. Loved the disco last night too :) Hope you are doing ok today. You phoned Take a Break yet? Might join you!

Tea you are a superstar

googoo have a fab night in Newcastle and what a nightmare about your friend you couldnt make it up ffs !!!

Just a quickie had a great day and off out tonight , I must say my social life as a singleton is sooo much better than when living with xh.

Enjoy the evening everyone

"when we were out one he said to DS about 4yo at the time ,hurry up ur spoiling my walk" Oh Patience youre age gap with your DCs is similar to mine. It's hardwork. My H checked out on me and the DCs and escaped to the 21 yr old. The affair began when DS was 4 weeks old and he was barely there at all after it began and when he was, he resented me for it and the DCs. He was foul, DS was only 11 months when we separated and DD 2. What is it with these selfish men? Grrrr

"I hate that idiot tosser twunt who incidentally rocked up in another flash new car to collect the dc this week. Funny way to carry on when you have had your pay halved, think my solicitor was right" Sounds it, make sure your solcitor delves deeply into his finances and you get what you deserve.

Getting keep plugging away you'll pas your excel exam. I sometimes end up passing exams second time particularly financial ones, but you can do it. You're a dumpling. Oh an REAL TREE vote here too.

Happy - Eek! Hope the water leak is resolved now. ((hugs)) lovely, it's just one thing after another at the moment hope you're ok today. Looking forward to snow pics.

Sov - Just trying to catch up on yesterday, wanted to send you a massive ((hug)) honey. Do the best you can for your amazing DCs, it's good your ex has a job, but very very hard how he sounds like he isn't prepared to be a big part of the DCs lives. Sometimes when people come from a dysfunctional family it can cause a lot of major issues. Has he ever had counseling or is he on ADs? As it sounds like he really needs some help. He's really pressed the self detruct button with his cannabis use and everything else. Try and detach, hopefully in time to come he'll sort himself out. It's hard not to feel guilty and that your DCs deserve better etc. But this isn't your fault and you're an amazing mum. As long as they have you, they'll be ok but it's very painful. I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job here in what I've written but my heart goes out to you. He's too caught up in his own issues at the moment to think about you or his precious DCs but hopefully in time to come he'll sort himself out. Keep going hon and accept help from friends and family when possible x

Queencat are you ok?

WQ where art thou?

Took my wedding ring off today. It's been on my right hand for a while to show I was married but I've decided I don't care if people judge me who've never met me before and see I have 2 kids, look young and do not have a wedding ring on anymore etc. Do not care anymore! LOL

hi ladies! All dolled up, in Newcastle, using friend's pc to say woo hoo - off out for the first time in ages! Wish me luck - hope I don't end up crying in toilets haha!
And for the record, even though I'm a geordie lass, I've got leggings, woolen dress and coat on. Posh me ye na!
Will catch up with thread soon.
Thinking of all my lovely virtual friends - you are all fab :) Much love

Woop woop! Enjoy have a drink for me and a cheeky flirt

You ok Warrier ? I worry when you go missing. Please check in just to say you're ok.

Shall we stalk e-mail her Pink? I want to hear all the gossip on that potential man of hers...

Starting where are you?

I can't live vicariously through these girls love lives, if they're too busy to come on mumsnet

Evening all, quick hello as have visitor. Not had time to do snow pic but will get there.....still feeling at missing the disco last night.

BE had leaving party last night wtf

Havent read anything am just stopping by to say i'm getting all teary putting the christmas decs up :(
X and i always did it together and i used to love it and now it's just making me all sad and wanting to cry

Got to plod on and get it done though DCs will love it in the morning when they get up, it's DDs 1st christmas

Has anyone else felt like this putting the decs up?

Think X phoneing me didnt help, he rang to ask to see DC tomorrow and was crying down the phone that he has fed everything up and he's never felt so alone in all his life
I told him that he hadnt fed everything up he still has DC he said he didnt mean DC, so i told him he had to do what made him happy regardless of how much it hurt others and that he'd said he was happy with the decision he made, he just went quiet on me
I just cant seem to stop myself getting sucked in and trying to make him feel better, it F*ing kills me every time
He's just feeling a bit sorry for himself but now i want to curl in a ball and cry FFS

Hi Sov, just saw your note.

Can relate totally to what you say about XH. I always end up feeling sorry for BE Ffs. And I often defend him to other people . But trying not to now, especially as he is now being hopeless. He was supposed to come back to me to confirm how he could help with DS but the walls are silent .