All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

I think its Tea who is rather more youthful than me and understands the workings of FB and usually I think she says to get rid of it. So Citydoll do that . To me its like having a fucking photo of your worst enemy on your fridge door with a magnet. Why ?

Anyway Patience is probably busy digging out of a snow drift but this is what she and Starting always say : beat the daylights out of a cushion/beanbag or other innocent object.

Citydoll - BLOODY FACEBOOK eh?

This is a good sign - a bit of anger. Divorce is a subtle form of bereavement (although I realise it's not as bad and I'm not saying it is) and you go through the same stages - disbelief, grief, anger etc. My very wise friend says losing a relationship is as much about the loss of future potential as it is about the loss itself. And that's what you're grieving for now - what could have been. I do the same thing about my marriage (and my recent breakup). It's natural. And your son does need you and he will need you, it's just that unfortunately this has happened just at the time he is starting to spread his wings. And he can never fully understand what you are going through - he's too young and emotionally inexperienced. But your relationship will evolve and he will always be there for you.
Remember the other day when I said I'd cried about all the women in my place talking about their husbands digging them out and one of the dumplings reminded me that all marriages are not what they seem? Same goes here - think of how many marriages of university age kids are now looking bleak as they have nothing in common and are suddnely facing each other alone after years of childcare. Loads of university kids will be ringing to check their parents are ok - you are not alone in this situation. x

Too right googoo great post !

Thanks for all the good advice, everybody.

Yes, googoo, I have often wished that it was a bereavement, not a divorce. And I am ashamed to say that in the early days, I had wished that I was stricken with a terminal illness rather than go through what I went through.

And I have to follow OW on FB; it started off at the beginning with me having to "know the enemy" and to know what I was up against and to plan my strategy. It was also exremely useful for collaborating evidence etc. but now I think I am looking for a little bit of evidence which tells me that OW has dumped him for someone else!

I will have to go and lie down now - the stress in the last few hours is killing my back. I shall catch up in the morning - taking a day off work to contemplate snow and the meaning of life and so should be able to do some serious posting!

Goodnight everyone and hugs and mugs of hot chocolate (or glasses of wine) all round!

night night my love - try and sleep well. I can't sleep right now cos I had a nap this afternoon. Back at work tomorrow for me but still on here for now... :)

Right ive only read last few posts

Citydoll, your DS will need his mum, maybe not soon but he will need you and nearby and sane at that, kick the crap out of the sofa if it releases something (please remember to don shoes/boots first) or smash plates that works too :o
You are now grieving for the future and dreams that are lost you need to make plans and find your own dreams, moving to a remote place may not be the best idea but a break away might help
As for FB, block her, it will be more complicated to unblock her and will give you time to realise that your only harming yourself by looking at the pics, if you dont know how to do it, go to her page and scroll down on the left hand side and i think it's there
Self preservation is a must, one day you will have grandchildren and you need to be able to teach them how to be fabulous(sp) and that is a learned process that you WILL come through
I always usually run away from this type of thing i'm not good with dealing with my emotions i'd rather bury them but it's now too hard to run with 4 DC in tow and me staying and dealing with this has made me much stronger and more aware that i can deal with these things, it's not great sometimes and i still get the urge to bolt but i have something to prove and thats what i'm doing, proving to myself that i can make a life for myself without someone i thought i would be with till i died
We all understand what your going through we are too and we will all be here to help you (((BIG HUGS)))

Is there anywhere in the world you always wanted to visit but XH wouldn't go to?

Hi Sov - wise post as per. Hope you are ok there with your 4 littluns. You put me to shame girl!

Citydoll, I really relate to your post and Googoo, I loved your reply.

2 friends of mine who are divorced have both just lost their only DC to uni. They were both absolutley dreading it and they both now find that it's not half as bad as they thought it would be and are enjoying having tidy stress free houses and lower food bills. They miss their DC of course but the fear of them leaving was much worse than the actual leaving iyswim.

Also citydoll, there's no way in the world I would ever look up OW on facebook. That would be like sticking a knife in my eye and twisting it round. There's enough emotional pain without that too. I would feel like my my computer was soiled if I saw her slimey little face on my screen. DELETE HIM NOW.

Happy, you dealing with funeral arrangements etc makes me feel so sad because it brings home how alone we are/I am. I always took it for granted that DH would be with me to help deal with such things, but of course now he won't. Well done for doing it all. The song I want at my funeral is 'Comfortably Numb' by Pink Floyd cos I LOVE IT and that's what I'd be. Must remember to scribble that on my will !

favourite song of all time...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HApy-Xoix-g

change it "he"..
www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gyWTihnVjQ&feature=related

"I think it's Tea who is rather more youthful than me and understands the workings of FB and usually I think she says to get rid of it"

Did someone suggest you were the guru Getting of fb I've speed read the thread so obviously missed that. Yes Citydoll I blocked the OW and my H from my fb account and deleted them as friends to boot, immediately on the affair coming to light. My thinking was why cause myself more pain AND I didn't want either of them being able to see anything about what was happening in my life at all. Fb is fairly simple Getting but far too addictive. So you're lucky if you haven't been sucked in

To quote The Princess Bride one of my fav films "While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?" So yes delete delete delete Citydoll imo.

Hope you and your DS have now sorted things out Citydoll ((Hugs))

GooGoo - you are a great asset to the dumplings, I have really enjoyed all your great advice.

Hope all you other lovely ladies are having a good day and evening, and its not too cold where ever you are, we havent got much snow here but my brother in Kent has got loads.

I was naughty this morning, I couldnt sleep in the night and my mind was going round and round like a washing machine, thinking. I sent DH a text this morning (not in the early hours) I know I shouldnt but I did, so im sorry, I replied to a message he sent and also wrote 'I hope you never forget we had an amazing relationship, love, fun, happiness and companionship'. He replied 'I wont ever forget'. I do hope he doesnt forget, I think like Citydoll I hope DH and OW's relationship doesnt last and he one day regrets throwing away our relationship. I know he isnt coming back and I also kind of know that too much has passed and he has hurt me too much, but its actually accepting it.

Have a good day tomorrow everyone.

Grrr, internet went down last night so I couldn't post. Oh, I know how you feel, Citydoll. I too want to inflict pain on ow but would prefer mental anguish rather than a smack round the chops. I am ashamed to admit that I would like to push her right to the edge. It goes against everything I believe in as I'm usually very compassionate. Even my job requires me to care for others (nurse) but I dream of torturing ow. In reality, she is actually so completely fucked up that all I have to do is sit back and wait as she will surely destroy herself soon and save me the job. Oh, I feel so wicked.

Hope you feel better today, Citydoll.

City doll just feel this emotion rant cry rage when you need to it is soooo important not to repress it or hide it .Just remember ur son is immature emotionally ,when something goes wrong in his life he will still want to hurt you ,when something goes wrong in your life he will worry about you ,just find a balance ,dont give him anything too heavy to deal with ,thats what we are for and if its stuff you dont want top post pm someone IYSWIM ,then you are more balanced to talk to DS and ur not hiding ur feelings just more balanced emotionally to share ,thats the joys of a counsellor too ,if you find the right one you can go through all your emotions and they help you work thru them.The whole being in pain sucks too ,hope you get some more physio soon.What about a deep muscle relaxer massage vibration thing [steady girls]Boots sell loads but check with ur physio ,they do infrared buttons and stuff for muscles spasms.
I think divorce is everybit as bad if not worse than bereavement .No kind memories left,cant smile when you look at photos ,so that wipes out weddings ,baby photos basically the last 16yrs of my life ,im not sad day to day but i certainly dont have any nice memories left ,just conned.
I am left to bring up my 2 kids with zero security financially ,trying to do xmas ,trying to have a summer holiday will be my aim for next year ,just all the things you want for your kids growing up ,nothing flash just anything at all.I cant plan ahead i have to stay in the moment thats it now,and when you ask him why he got married and had kids he says "Ah thats the million dollar question"what a prick.
Anyway happy birthday goo goo hope something fun works out today .
Thing that hurt me the most with X texting young girl in the summer was he said he was just having a laff ,all i wanted was that attention from him ,all i wanted was just to have a laff but he had painted me as the bitch by then and still tries to make me the persecutor if he can ,thats why i cant communicate with him anymore ,if he allowed me to be a nice person in his head then he could never justify his actions ,just so cruel when all he wanted was his own way to go drinking with his pals everynite and have a laff,what an arse .

Hello everyone,
I just wrote a v wise and meaningful post but my baby deleted the whole thing!
City I hope you feel better today. You are going through a really tough process but the most painful dips will pass. Focus on the good things in your life but let pain come let pain go as they say. How rotten to have a sore back as well. As for facebook I am not on it but will sign up in 2011, that is how me and my sis discovered the identity of my x's bit on the side. She does not have a photo just silly trendy pictures. I have not been on since I rumbled them. I do think mobile phones and social nw sites do facilitate affairs followed usually by discovery as men are often too complacent to cover their tracks!
Happy My heart goes out to you. This is a really hard time of year to lose a parent, not that there is ever an easy time. Do not put too much pressure on yourself and be kind to yourself. The ist Christmas after I lost my dad was the 1st Christmas after my split with x(the first split I mean) and the tears just flowed. He was quite insensitive and unkind to me as well about access arrangements as I had gone home for over a week. Just be for a while, don't try and be too brave or strong.
Patience Your post rings many bells. Although I am moving on steadily and all the raw pain and anger has waned, the sense of having been betrayed lingers. It is a cold cheerless feeling and I really feel conned as well. However I'm putting together photobooks to give as presents this year and actually my photos of our babies in happier times have not changed. As long as he is not in them they move me in a good way. Sometimes when I remember bringing them home all tiny from hospital to what I thought was a stable home I feel a bit blue but then I think actually they will have a stable home with me. And x will never take away the joy they brought and still bring me. All I can say is hell mend the fools. Look what they have lost the grass is rarely greener on the other side.
Happy birthday Googoo Treat yourself to the best you can afford today you deserve it.

googoo - Many Happy Returns Of The Day - sending a big cream cake covered in chocolate curls and fresh, luscious strawberries on its way to you! And big hugs too!

Hi, everyone,

Sorry to have dragged the tone of this whole thread downhill last night. Reading back, I think everyone was in a "ticking along" mode with maybe the odd spike but I came along and really exploded. Yes, you guys are right - I need to get really angry but I think I need to get past the "WHY" first so that I know what I am getting angry at.

As for the FB issue, you will recall from my original post (after 37 years....)that my middle names are DIGNITY and PATIENCE; well, we need to add MASOCHIST to it! My DS is my only friend on my FB account (I know, sad!)and I do not post anything at all on my own account - no photo, no profile, nothing. The only reason I set it up earlier in the year was to find out about OW and her activities and it enabled me to collate a fair bit of evidence so it did serve its purpose. It is a useful tool to keep in touch with DS and enables him to share some of his new life with me so that is why I keep it going.

Patience - as I feel better in a horizontal position anyway, I like the idea of your "vibrating, massaging thingy" even more! I will speak to my physiotherapist next week (he is a real handsome hunk) for his opinion!

I agree about the "mental anguish" bit and also what goes around comes around. One day, XH will wake up and realise that he has discarded everything that was once precious and dear to him for nothing and it will be too late!

Going to get some lunch now - keep well, everybody.

Scholl do a good one City but ur physio will know best ,
best go now dd having problems with the sylvanian bunny house's lights x

Maybee I know what ur saying re pics but still not happening for me i just think of that time as bloody hard work when X was at the pub ,centre of attention flirting and having a great time ,I was never a mum that thought oh wow look at my baby isnt this the best thing thats ever happened to me,when i told the health visitor she said Patience you have had 2 kids 15mths apart breast fed them both worked pt and had very little support ,ur just really tired.So wouldnt it have been great if my X had looked after me once in a while rather than just looking after himself and telling me he was working soooooo hard he deserved it.I just thought i was asking too much of him and he allowed me to think that ,you dont work ft do you etc etc ?Made me feel so guilty that i was asking for help.Anyway all in the past now but thats what looking at these pics means to me ,but lots of older pics the 2s and 3s when i was getting my strength back and my self esteem i think those years are when you think ,wait a minute your taking the piss mate ,but by that time it was too late ,very easy for him to have two completely seperate lives and i was the bitch indoors i just didnt realise that was my role til last year LOL!Its not anymore LOL!
ps can i just say when we were out one he said to DS about 4yo at the time ,hurry up ur spoiling my walk ,i just dont think he thought ur life changes when you have kids and when it did i was there so he didnt need to feel the changes ,what a tosser.

Happy Birthday googoo

Estate agents walking around my beautiful house measuring and taking pictures to put it on the market next week.

I hate that idiot tosser twunt who incidentally rocked up in another flash new car to collect the dc this week. Funny way to carry on when you have had your pay halved, think my solicitor was right

Sorry ladies i have read nothing but i need to get this out or i fear i may not stop crying, please dont feel obliged to read

X text me about half an hour ago saying he doesnt know why he's a dick all the time and sorry for all this hsit and that he will be starting work soon and will make sure i get what ive asked for
so i replied saying what about seeing the DC, eldest DS thinks you dont love him anymore and throwing money at them isn't going to solve anything and that sorry isn't good enough, actions speak louder than words
His response...... i love them all so much but i dont deserve to see them, i'm such a messer, they need somebody who they can rely on, i dont think that will ever be me, i just seem to fuck things up ALL the time

What am i going to do? He's not only walked away from me he's now done it to the DC too
I'm in such a mess and dont know where to turn or what to say or do
I havent replied as i dont know what to write, i refuse to beg and i refuse to stroke his ego by telling him he can do it ect ect
It seems i just have to let him walk, i cant keep chasing after him but oh my poor DC
I am truly and utterly devasted and havent even thought about the long term for me
I feel like he's just destroyed me all over again, he knows how much the DC mean to me and also Family and having both parents in their lives what am i going to tell them? He does love you he's just too selfish to look after you and see you?

Am sorry but i needed to get it out, i havent stopped crying but at least ive told someone

i grew up without my father in my life, i still havent met him and his father left his mum for an OW and their relationship is strained
I really thought that my DC wouldnt have the same upbringing but it looks like their going to, it makes me so sad i thought given his history he would have strived for a good relationship with his DC apparently not :(

Sov, you can't change him. This is his problem, not yours. Your kids will be fine. They have you and they are what's keeping you going. He might see sense one day but don't focus too much on that. Thinking of you x

Happy birthday Googoo.