All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Got to work today despite lots of snow and the biggest hailstones I've ever seen. Had to walk and childminder's hubby picked up kids, as my car snowed in. Got to work and all the women talking about how their husbands/partners drove them in / dug them out/pushed them/ told them they loved them etc etc. Had to go to toilets and cry. :(

Oh googoo I would've cried too . I suppose men do have some uses but remember we dont get that much snow in any given year

Just remember Googoo that not all relationships are lovely behind closed doors! As Getting said quite rightly only the other day in a much better way.

I'm happier alone than with my H but if you'd asked me 18 months ago I wouldn't have believed you. But looking back on the last year of our marriage and how things were I'm happier alone. Hope you can get to a place of contentment soon ((hugs))

I'm happier alone than with my exh too but my exb...we were friends, lovers and companions and we never had a cross word - still haven't. I miss him dreadfully. And I know he wasn't completely right for me and he couldn't give me a family life but I'm so sad that two people who loved each other couldn't make it work. :(

Hello all. So very sorry to hear about your dad, Happy. I know how it feels.

Well, after joking about being snowed in up in Yorkshire it did actually happen! I set off back to Brum at 3pm on Sunday and by 6pm had done about 3 miles. Had to dump the car and walk back to my friends' house for Sunday dinner with wine so not all bad. They had a house full as another friend was stranded and taking refuge so it turned into a bit of a party .

Eldest son had another big op (3 hours) on his mouth yesterday and then I had to work a night shift so I'm still trying to recover. Had a lovely weekend though.

How are you feeling now Tea ? Perfect namechange bet you've been waiting all year for that !!

Well I am still riding high folks ! High on the knowledge that xh has lost his special power hes had over me for the last 18 years ??? I cant stop grinning and tonight I have made a huge feast for dinner and tried to get my open fire going ( got it roaring but sadly smoke billowed into the room instead of up chimney grrr)and then we are going to watch a family film together . Of course dc have no idea we are celebrating anything , I didnt feel I could tell them yipee I dont love your Dad anymore , but we certainly are

Hi all,

Hope all is well and today was a better day. I trudged up the high street in the snow to have coffee with a friend to say good-bye. It was so awful and makes me upset, but it has to be done.

My DH asked to meet and have a drink again last night. Had a calm and reasonable discussion as I said that I could not communicate with him unless he stopped the anger and spoke to me reasonably and with respect. Seemed to have worked as he was much like his old self. He still says that he loves me, always did - seems to completely miss the point that he is also telling another woman the same thing. I must admit it is nice to hear, however, I am very cautious as like you pointed out GooGoo - ever so wisely and thank you for your kind words, actions speak louder than words. I told him that I wanted a man who was strong, honest, truthful and could meet me as an equal. Unless he completed his therapy and came to showed us that we were what he wanted there was no future for us. I have no interest to be in a marriage that has three. I am resolute in my move home and know that I have made the right choice for my son and myself. I want to be that independent and strong, happy woman I was when I met him. I will never rely on any man again. I made a big mistake believing all the promises he made.

Bit worried that I won't be able to fly with all this snow! I hope by Saturday it will be gone.

Happy - sorry to hear about your Dad.

Googoo - I know how your feel. I feel sad and disillusioned when I see families laughing together because that was us, and yet again here I am again alone. Nevertheless, it will pass and soon I will not be reminded so much of my marriage. New beginnings. No looking back. Stay strong.

Getting - I liked what you said. It only snows occasionally. I think at some stage you really start thinking about how much of a contribution a husband makes. My DH was hardly ever around - he was socialising, drinking and doing whatever he liked. He told me my son and I didn't even enter his thoughts. I stayed at home being the parent, cook, cleaner and so forth. Told him last night that I wanted my life back - I wanted to be like him. I wanted my freedom to have impromptu drinks after work, laugh and chat with other people, going out for dinners, xmas parties, lunch or whatever else takes my fancy.

Be good to yourselves.

Littlecritter - hope your son is ok so sorry he had to have an operation
Minmin - well done for telling your DH exactly what you want - you should be very proud of yourself - I can't believe how strong you're being
And Getting - no wonder you're feeling ecstatic - free after 18 years. Much respect to you. If you can do it after all that time, I can get over a one year thing.
Humbled by all the strength on here :)

Kids in bed

Googoo my lovely I knew your most recent relationship wasn't your H but I was typing in a hurry and wasn't able to flesh out my response better. Need to go and clean up this place now DCs in bed. But life will get better my lovely and you'll soon reach a place of contentment I hope ((hugs))

Minmin - strong lady, your posts are an inspiration to us dumplings!

Getting - does your chimney need a sweep by a nice man? I find with my parents chimney that it needs to warm up a little before the smoke draws upwards well, so I always start a very very small fire to begin with and wait 5 or 10 mins until adding the big logs iyswim? Either way I'm loving loving loving this positive attitude! Woop woop!

Kids in bed - a full two hours later than yours Tea! They were very excited, as childminder and her DH brought them home on sledges - that's how snowy it is here - and then stayed for a cuppa so it was too much to get them to bed on time.
Been very sad today and I'm exhausted with all the emotions and trying to put a brave face on it all. Feel like a complete and utter failure and like noone is ever going to love me just for me. Men seem to find me very lovely at first and then it just wears off and they get bored. It's happened twice since I got divorced. I felt like I was holding my breath throughout this one year relationship. I just want to really feel like I can be loved for being boring old me. Sorry, sorry, sorry but this is a real help. And I'll go and find another funny clip to cheer me up. :)

I stumbled onto the "Am I being too fussy" thread in lone parents today and read your post:

googoomama Mon 29-Nov-10 19:00:34

I know, I know. He was very kind and gentle and he was a good dad - apart from the fact that he didn't pay his kids any money because he didn't earn enough. Then I gradually realised that he wouldn't get any job - it had to be a job that was worthy of him. Then I realised that he was never going to leave his rural retreat - which I loved by the way - but it was going to be all me as far as changing job/house was concerned. Whilst all this was dawning on me, we were still having a great time together and he treated me well. We got together quite a lot with all our kids but eventually he said that he could never live with my kids and have his kids visiting. This felt like a betrayal, as he knew I had kids when we started. You live and learn. Now I realise that even nice kind men can be ultimately selfish. Which he was. And I really need to see a man who has a job.

Now no matter how good it feels to be loved, cherished and have a good seeing to This guy sadly despite being nice was such a waste of space and your valuable time when you could've been dating someone who would have made more of an effort and not turned round and basically said he wasn't compromising and couldn't live in a blended family with you after a year together I mean honestly, reading that post made me so for you. Which is why I copied it. You deserve better and there are men out there who are good. But you don't need one to validate you. You're a top dumpling and I love your advice to others on here and your funny links.

I think I'll leave Urban et al to give you some more top tips but you're amazing! We all are!

Who cares how men find us googoo we are what we are.

Looks around for Pink

My best feeling is the freedomn of trying to be "lovable" and walking on eggshells the whole time

Tea I'll go for the big logs straightaway please

Thanks for the tunes Tea a real blast from the past there! When I watched Wham I nearly wept at first at the memory of how young and innocent I was when that song was a hit but then I couldn't stop laughing at Georgie boy prancing in the snow and pouting at the camera! I fancied Wham for years.
Getting I am so impressed your posts exude strength and positivity. Yeeha!
Minmin It must be hard for you to say goodbye to people but I think you sound strong and pragmatic. I'm glad you communicated clearly with your x. I am hoping to return to Ireland in 2011 where I am from and I will have mixed feelings but here's to fresh or old pastures and new beginnings!
Googoo I know the feeling when other people talk about their dh and sometimes it makes my heart sink too. On Thursday my colleague proudly introduced us to his wife and I had to discreetly leave. It was a funny feeling definitely not jealousy but I just felt v exposed and vulnerable. However as a wise mner pointed out there are many people in miserable marriages that just stay there too. Years ago a friend said to me 'you have it all don't you? I remember thinking yeah right as we were really starting to fray and indeed a month later I left him.

You are not boring, as getting said we are what we are. You deserve so much more and you will draw strength and happiness from things that you love in life. You are hard on yourself, you are surviving this and reaching out to other people that in itself is fab.

thank you everyone and thank you especially to Getting. That has helped so much. You are a very lovely bunch and the only people I can talk to about this. I really appreciate it you know. :)

Oh I'm getting so confused with keeping up! Thank you so much Tea your reposting of my post was a very wise and wonderful thing to do. You are right and you are really helping me. It makes me feel better that someone is angry! THANK YOU for the support.
And Getting your post about freedom not to walk on eggshells is very wise. I agree. I don't have to hold my breath anymore. Much love to all dumplings x :)

Googoo - don't dispair. We all think that we will not be loved again or we are not interesting enough and so forth, however, just be patient. I remember my sister's wise words when I lamented after my first marriage failed that I would never meet anyone. She said 'well you have not kissed enough frogs yet - you have to do that before you will find your prince'. The prince I found turned into a frog after seventeen years, but life goes on. Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself, get your hair done, when you can, get some new bright clothes that make your feel good, do things that you love doing. Focus on your children. Most importantly of all - learn to love yourself, if you don't it is hard for anyone else to. Become confident - self assurance, independence and self worth are all attractive to men. Most of all, you must believe in yourself.

We all need recovery time - although I sound strong, I too feel sad, worthless, what is wrong with me. Will I fall in love again. All I can do is live each day and see what happens.

Forget the man who hurt you, he was not the right one. Recover and get out and live your life.

Don't look back - it only adds to your suffering.

Best wishes.

xx :)

LOL getting at big logs.

Ahh loving the community spirit on here tonight.

I bought another little goldfish for £1.25 today to keep my other one company but my bigger boy keeps chasing and chasing the littler one and nipping at him Hope he grows soon and starts fighting back I've moved the weed into a corner so the little one can hide from the big one.

My hands are so dry on the knuckles. Always happens this time of year, probably due to hand washing so much with nappy changes and 2 toddlers. Despite putting hand cream on every night before bed and when I remember in the day. It's not a good look though with these dry chapped knuckles.

Off to bed in a mo here. Failing abysmally on studying right now too

Look at my mutterings of a crazy lone parent on here tonight. But the sad thing is I just love mumsnet and the threads I'm part of, it's such a nice little community if you stay away from AIBU

See you all tomorrow

Good evening all and hello to all the new dumplings, hope you are all coping with this extremely cold weather!!

My poor horse lives out and its so cold up at the field, he feels toasty warm under his rug though.

Happy - sorry to hear about your dad, hope you are ok.

Sov - thanks for asking where I was.

LC - pleased you had a good weekend in Yorkshire. Has your son got to have many more ops? Was the last op successful?

I have not been posting but have been reading the thread daily, I have had a very bad week and really didnt know what to tell you all as you have all heard it before, I seem to be going round and round in circles and not moving forward. It will be 4 months next week and I really dont know how I have even reached this point. DH rang me last monday and came to see me on Friday, so have really been down. I think I am finally seeing that he is not going to come back and that even if he had, it would have been very hard to make the relationship work as he has hurt me too much, but I am not at the acceptance stage yet so will probably struggle on trying to get to a better place.

He is still spouting a load of rubbish, I asked him why he hadnt spoken to me when he realised he had feelings for OW and he said we did have a 'disputes procedure in place' so didnt know how to approach the subject????? Another thing that was like a knife to the heart was that he has met her parents, that really hurt, I asked him if they knew that the relationship had started from an affair and he said yes they did but I said that was rubbish, and he admitted he didnt know what OW had told her parents. He is old enough to be her father and when I asked what he would think if his 23yr old daughter bought home a 50yr old boyfriend would you be happy, because I wouldnt be! I need to get stronger.

Have a good day tomorrow everyone.

Hugs to you Rom just take your time you are so strong ,its like living a bad dream i think esp with Christmas coming up although i know my world has changed beyond belief i still cant believe the complexity of it all.Talking about it to familly that dont yet know we have split ,over the next few weeks will be tough but i am twelve months in now.I have finally allowed myself to stop digging for info Rom and just accept what is going down.I no longer ask myself why anymore because it does not matter.I know that the only way for me to find peace now is to let him go .Some days he will still want that connection with me ,to chat about his world.I no longer give him that opportunity[all became too painful for me when i knew we were over],i no longer help him like a friend or a spouse ,its business working towards zero emotion ,i mourn my marriage but each time i feel down it is a lot easier to remember what a prick he was.I wasnt able to do that before.My heart always mourned his loss more than my head ,now i seem to remember the painful bits more readily and thats a good thing,why would i want to be with someone that hurts me,and upsets our kids.Each time i am lonely i remember i am only part way through my journey and not at the right place to meet a bloke ,i want my next man to see a more positive more consistent Patience achieving and creating !Busy week ahead business wise but all slowed done by the snow but hopefully the weekend will bring a thaw and some profit !
Take care everyone ,hope you all got your advent calenders x
Rom hope ur boy has lots of sweet hay to munch ,i think they like the cold better than the rain though x

Thanks Patience, I appreciate your kindness and understanding. My good friends are getting so angry for me now at how he is still treating and dangling a carrot. Wish I could get angry at him.

Morning dumplings,

Nothing to say really, just thought I would now set in motion the restoration of my natural positive nature which has been crushed of late. I had a weird dream last night - I dreamt I found a photo of my DH's new OW and I was really angry. I grabbed him and threw him out the door! Maybe there is a message there (suspressed rage perhaps). Hearing him say he loves me the other day only makes me think that he is once again trying to manipulate me and string me along for some reason. I leave in three days. I really need to be away from him - he wants to find himself, focus on his therapy, be along and so forth. I know now that I don't want the life I had with him as he was and hope that the future I build will bring me lots of happiness. I was really happy once and I can be again.

Today I am going to have lunch with a friend. He is a really nice man and loads of fun. My affirmations for today: I am going to start rebuilding my sense of fun, good humour and smile. Also eat more as I am tired of being told how skinny I am.

Today is the day I stop looking back, I start rebuilding me and getting back to where I was naturally happy and smiling. I accept what I can't change and am moving on.

Have a great day dumplings!

Rom when I told my Mum xh was likely to be leaving she asked me how long had it been going on and I told her 6 weeks. Her reaction was to say why hadnt I told her before because you need someone to talk to who you can say the same things over and over and over again to without worrying . Thats what the threads for Rom and to me every time you go over the same ground is another time you get closer to either finding the answer or accepting you wont. I wonder if maybe at some level you cant get angry with your h because you pity him and his rather pathetic behaviour. Anyway 4 months is not a long time and anger will come when you are ready.

Patience you sound positive in snowy Scotland . Even though my dc are 11 and 14 they love their advent calendars , I have 3 that come out every year and now they're older its become a nice tradition.

googoo how are you feeling today. Just remember that there are such a mixture of dumplings on here at different stages of their break up and from different relationships. When I "joined" in June I used to read Startings posts and wonder if I would ever feel as healed as her and be able to move on the way she had but now 6 months on from there and almost a year into the split I am finally there

and you will be too just give it time.

I read this ages ago and posted it but I thought it warranted dusting off

First find yourself again and become an "I" rather than half a "we" then you can find what you want from life.

I dont want to become anti men at all and good luck to those who are keen to get into a relationship. For me though the above quote is vital because for far too long I have allowed a lot of my self worth and validation to be reliant on the opinion of my partner and they rightly or wrongly have have not had good opinions of me or treated me well and so I have seen myself accordingly.

Anyway joking apart the last few months have been absorbed with sorting out our finances, getting a job stuff and now moving stuff all the while maintaining standards for my dc and generally keeping things going. No time for men

Its a grey freezing day here and ds is off with a chest infection looking bored already .

Hope everyones day goes well

Rom when I told my Mum xh was likely to be leaving she asked me how long had it been going on and I told her 6 weeks. Her reaction was to say why hadnt I told her before because you need someone to talk to who you can say the same things over and over and over again to without worrying . Thats what the threads for Rom and to me every time you go over the same ground is another time you get closer to either finding the answer or accepting you wont. I wonder if maybe at some level you cant get angry with your h because you pity him and his rather pathetic behaviour. Anyway 4 months is not a long time and anger will come when you are ready.

Patience you sound positive in snowy Scotland . Even though my dc are 11 and 14 they love their advent calendars , I have 3 that come out every year and now they're older its become a nice tradition.

googoo how are you feeling today. Just remember that there are such a mixture of dumplings on here at different stages of their break up and from different relationships. When I "joined" in June I used to read Startings posts and wonder if I would ever feel as healed as her and be able to move on the way she had but now 6 months on from there and almost a year into the split I am finally there

and you will be too just give it time.

I read this ages ago and posted it but I thought it warranted dusting off

First find yourself again and become an "I" rather than half a "we" then you can find what you want from life.

I dont want to become anti men at all and good luck to those who are keen to get into a relationship. For me though the above quote is vital because for far too long I have allowed a lot of my self worth and validation to be reliant on the opinion of my partner and they rightly or wrongly have have not had good opinions of me or treated me well and so I have seen myself accordingly.

Anyway joking apart the last few months have been absorbed with sorting out our finances, getting a job stuff and now moving stuff all the while maintaining standards for my dc and generally keeping things going. No time for men

Its a grey freezing day here and ds is off with a chest infection looking bored already .

Hope everyones day goes well