All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

RANT ALERT!!!!!!(warning may will contain strong language)

Well that went well, NOT!!!

X came for visit today, when he arrived i said DD's dinners there, boys dinner is soup so nothing hard to do, text me when your done or i'll be back at 7 (bedtime)
Got my coat and X asked where i was going, i said out and he started whining saying i should stay, i told him no i'll be back later and left, 2 seconds later he's at the door calling me back, so i went back and he tells me to take DD cause he's going, i told him no it was his time with DC and i would be back soon, he then dumped DD on the sofa and started to leave shouting at me that when i grow up and sort my head out to give him a call and he'd come see DC, i told him no if he left he wouldnt be allowed back in again as he was choosing to leave DC AGAIN!! during a visit and that i didnt want to be around him thats why i was going out and to stop being stupid and just have his visit and i'd be back later, he stormed out
I was sooooo angry i slammed the door shut with all my might, then screamed and cried and kicked hell out of the sofa, needless to say i scared DD (poor thing)
I then text him saying he was a prick and out of order for leaving and that what i do is my choice and no reason to punish the DC i told him i had been doing him a favour letting him see them here and that in future he picks them up and takes them else where
He replied by saying he couldnt deal with all of them on his own and i was always the better parent
I told him tough shit he helped make them he can learn to look after them i f**g do
i then text and said he could have 2 visits a week 2 DC at a time
I then text again (i was very angry) and said so much for the kids being his priority and that he was a selfish c and that i had now been left to explain to the DC and dry their tears AGAIN!! i also said i need a break sometimes and doesnt he think i struggle sometimes but i dont have a f**g choice do i? i said he needs to learn as im not always going to be flexible and make thing easy for him and one day it's going to be all or none so sort it out or stay out of their lives for good
He replied with, no your right i am a c, i'll take them all, i got angry cos i wanted to talk to you,i know you dont want to be a friend so wont bother again do what you want
I replied by telling him when he figures out when he wants to see them to text me and what the hell would hewant to talk to me about the only thing we would need to discuss would be him seeing DC and paying maintenance when he gets a job and seeing as he hasnt yet theres nothing to talk about, i also said that i had told him i couldnt be his friend atm and that he has plenty of them and they've always been more important than me and DC anyway so what does it matter if i'm not one of them, i also added that yes i will do whatever i want and dont need his permission to do so
He repied with Fine, nice knowing you then

GRRRR he makes me so angry, what the hell does he want from me, he doesnt want to be with me and i need space to deal with that, why can't he just accept it instead of throwing a hissy fit and storming off, Maybe he gets a kick out of seeing me upset and in pain? i dont know but i cant do this anymore, he cannot have the DC here and i will only communicate via text, i really dont want to speak to him and i HATE that DC are witness to all this, he a ......... ARRRGGGGHHHHHH

When i called my friend she says he's blowing hot and cold and seems confused and doesnt know what he wants i just think hes a selfish c* who wants his own way

Rant over, as you were :o

Ladies I am here I think I have glandular fever.... will catch-up tonight xxx

Oh Sov this isnt getting any better is it I really felt myself in your shoes reading your post but its so hard to know what to say as xh and I have a regimented access routine which we had from day one. I wonder if a lot of it is about quite simply having you on hand to pick up the slack on a practical front and also as a safety net if something kicks off with the dc ?

As you say though wheres your safety net or ability to say Oh I cant cope with all 4 dc .He sounds immature and selfish and to be honest I dont see what you can do to get him to take full responsibilty and give you a break and keep his relationship with the dc going. Sorry you are having to deal with this

WQ hope not see you later

hello

i feel really crappy, really swollen glands on my neck and i am exhausted, i have had glandular fever a couple of times both when i was a teenager and it feels just like that - went to the doc and he told me just to rest (oh how i laughed; i then explained that i am a single mum with a 4 and 2 year old )

i have tried to read your posts but i just can't concentrate so i am off to bed now.

just wanted to let you know that i am not awol and that i am with all of you in spirit

date is meant to be this fri but not sure i will make it!!!! buggeration

however despite all of this i am managing to remain upbeat and am emotionally cool, i think my body has just said

"hey she is ok for now i can relax, she does not need the adrenalin anymore"

then boom i get ill.

Hi WQ i had this mad 24hr no energy high temp thing yesterday.First not being able to move day i have had since X left ,just lay on the couch as often as possible and went to bed as soon as ,only getting out to change dvds for kids.Big hugs to you and get well soon.
Sov good for you for planting the seed ,it has taken nearly a year for mine to stop whinging so persevere if you can,i too always got" ur such a good mum,"then he would just nip off.If you can i would keep repeating what you said about you needing a break and him taking his turn ,he will shout and hiss ,he has had it easy for so long ,mine did too.He would never have dreamt of doin the kids for 7hrs non stop ever b4,well he does now.You are so right though ,they are his kids too ,where is the opt out clause?

Sov, I will read your post again but having skimmed I would say: here, here. He is a complete cunt - no asterixes (sp?) here mate. You go girl. You are 100% right.

Sorry you feel ill, WQ. I used to get glandular fever symptoms evey June when I was at school but test always came back -ve. Turns out it was stress (school exams). Stress has a funny way of coming out. Not saying it isn't GF but either way it is definitely your body saying "look after me, relax and be kind to me". Take care x

Look after yourself WQ hope you manage to get a bit of a rest.
Sov How utterly frustrating and demoralising for you and unfair to your dc. Selfish selfish selfish guy.
I hope you can come up with some sort of arrangement that he will stick to. how old are your kids?
My 8yr old came out of school happily today but as soon as he got in the car he started saying -you dumped my dad you have ruined our family-. I let him rant and then he insisted on staying in the car when we got home. So I let him and just kept checking every so often. Eventually he came in calling me a saddo and getting v angry so I just left him. After a while his crying was verging on melodrama and upsetting the tots so I quite firmly told him to snap out of it. He did instantly. when he was a bit calmer I told him that I know he is hurting but he must stop blaming me and speaking to me so angrily. He accepted that and we all had a peaceful dinner and evening. He says he is too sad to sleep however. Any tips on how to support him and keep my own head clear? Throughout the scene I just wished his dad could have witnessed some of it to see the hurt his selfishness has caused. Swine stronzo fuckwit ponce fool numpty that he is.

Just try and look after urself MB if ur OK the dcs are OK so as much as you can pamper and relax its all about nourishing urself to survive the stress .Simplify your life as much as you can ,this is YOUR time now put yourself first.Eat as well as you can,sleep as well as you can .Dcs will follow ur example so calmness is good .Dont beat urself up if you stress out ,feel it ,recognise it then move on and do something to relax .Big hugs ,kids will pick up on the calmer vibe in the house also with no fighting and good ds is letting it all out ,keep talking to him ,you will be cool x

Have read all the posts but need to do my own before I can focus on anything else. Well, thank you everyone for your advice. The person involved was a male so flowers not an option . I spoke to someone else today about it that would know person involved & history that trigger this etc. They advised me to leave it go & not to make a big deal about it or bring it back up again unless other person did. They also pointed out that other person does tend to have no tact & charge in saying the wrong things etc. I can see that they were out of order in what they'd said to me but equally I know I handled it really really badly . We did discuss it afterwards & I did say sorry to person & we left on fairly good terms. Overall I think it would be a bad idea to contact person about this again as it will make issue bigger. I'll wait till I see them again & take my lead from if they bring it up again or not. I have to say the whole thing has really really upset me though. I'm feeling really crap & just want to hide away from the world in black depression . It's hard to explain it on here but there is some really heavy emotional history involvbed in all this. I'm going to have to find a way to leave it all go or I'm going to risk being really dragged down by all.

And you will find a way to work thru it Startin and let it go because that is what you want ,it was a slip ,you were defending ur kids,you did apologise,now you move on ,no need to pick the scab,no need to analyse and THIS TOO SHALL PASS x

WQ, really hope it doesn't turn out to be glandular fever ((Hugs))

LC, hope you are beginning to feel a bit clearer & peacedful now the drama has lessened. ((Hugs))

Getting, the anniversaries are v hard but you are doing really well & this is prob the last hurdle for you ((Hugs))

Sov, I remember the heartbreak when I had stuff like that with xh & dc's ((Hugs)). The only thing I'd say is that if your x is still messing around with hash etc then his behaviour is not going to be stable or reasonable. Sorry if he isn't & I've got it wrong.

Rom, agree that level of contact with dh is going to make it v hard to heal ((Hugs))

Mumfun, glad you are feeling empowered & taking on the world. I'm also having issues with insurance company . Sorry to hear about your friend, what a crap time of year too!

Citydoll, glad you've had a few good weeks

Maybee, glad teacher made it a bit easier for you by being so understanding & well done for letting her know. At least now she will be able to keep an eye out for ds. I did the same with my dd at the time. Hope things are still calm with xh. Have you heard from him at all? Good you are preparing yourself for his moods to swing. You are doing a great job with ds, keep doing what you're doing & just give it time. I remember wishing I could have videoed dc's too when they were crying for him & forced him to watch the sadness he'd caused . He's still clueless! I think a lot of them never really look at the hurt they've caused. All you can do is keep your focus firmly now on what's best for you & dc's.

Urban, sorry to hear you were so unwell. It's v hard when you've nobody to pick up slack with dc's. Hope you're feeling a bit better now ((Hugs)). Your advice to all is great

Waves to Happy, Pink, Mimn, Tea & anyone else I've forgotten.

Urban, that is such a wise post thanks ((Hugs great friend)). I am indeed picking the scab & it's only making me bleed . I am going to really try to lay this to rest in my head tonight as I honestly feel myself spiralling dangerously down. I've only just had my aunt's anniversary & my brother's is fast approaching (both died unexpectedly within wks of each other last year), so it's an emotional time anyway for me & for other person which is why I'm finding it so hard to forgive myself

OMG I've just disgraced myself. What a stupid twit I am. I want to stop being part of this story now.

I text OW from XP's phone again and she fell for it again. Then she text to say her dad died last week and I text back something unpleasant - please remember that they were screwing each other as my darling dad died of cancer 2 years ago, please forgive me. I feel like utter crap now. I did text back to apologise.

If my dad were still here I would not be lowering myself to this. I hate myself now.

Oh LC I think I have an idea of how you might be feeling after my incident of last night . All you can do is forgive yourself & let it go. Nurture yourself & be kind to yourself. You acted out of hurt ((Hugs))

yes, I have to let go now or i will hurt myself even more.

Hello lovelies went to bed early again last night, off to my mums today.

OW has been putting pressure on H to see his children less, she was under the impression on separation and her getting her man that he'd only see them once a fortnight She lives with a housemate whose parents divorced when he was 12 and she keeps comparing our situation to his and assumes we'd be the same. I felt that H telling me all about the arguement in detail made me feel uncomfortable but I said he could see them less if he wanted, to which he replied no he loves seeing the DCs and they'll always be his children. So I told him that he needs to put his foot down then. As she chose to get involved with a married man at 21 when she could have had any man she liked at university and she needs to accept that the children will always be a big part of his life. I think she's insecure and worried we may get back together again, possibly? However as he lives in a house share with 4 other people and his room is small he's not really able to take the children overnight yet. I keep telling him as soon as he lives in a place with a spare room and a bed and cot for the children then there's no reason he cannot take them.

Anyway I'm typing fast as this is a fly by visit to show my face and it may not make that much sense But I have no sympathy for the OW as she knew my children and knew me for years and chose to get involved with him. I think as she graduates next Summer and needs to think about where to live she's starting to consider more what she's taken on as H discussed more with me than I've managed to put in this message. She hasn't told her parents yet that she's even involved with my H after being with him almost 2 years now. She always said if they were still together by this Christmas she'd tell them. Her Dad doesn't like my H so they'll be fireworks when she does tell them.

Consent order signed and sent back to solicitor to send to court with application for decree absolute so my divorce is ticking along nicely, not sure if I've said.

I must must must try and actually catch up on here But with DCs constantly catching colds and me, it's all a bit relentless right now at home.

Lost my post last night LC ,just to say emotionally you have felt pain that you would not believe because of OW and ur X ,and it spills over to affecting ur kids ds esp, so no wonder what happened did ,but you know urself it stops now because you are a different class altogether and this will nevert resolve ur pain it just makes it worse because are a good person.Dignity and serenity the way to go now ,dont beat urself up ,she is an old bitch.
ps i have only been able to do dig and seren since house move and 12mths apart and total detatchment
pps welldone tea on dig and seren re ur STBXH

Hi everyone,

Have been reading your posts and have sympathy for all who are having horrible times and who are ill. We all can relate in some way.

LC - don't beat yourself up over the OW. Just step away. When I return to home I could go and see the OW my DH is involved in his emotional affair with, however, can't I be bothered - one imbicile around me is more than enough for me, I have no desire to interact with the other. I could be a real cow and tell her DH - now there is a thought... Throughout I have maintained my dignity with my DH. If I went and saw the OW it would show that I care in some way. In actual fact I consider her unworthy of my attention. I have stepped away and am recovering very well now. I have no desire to revisit this issue in any way. I view my move as a new beginning - no way am I dragging any of this baggage with me! Like UrbanP says, detach.

Maybee - Don't take it personally what your 8yold says - he is confused and upset and is lashing out. He knows how good his mother is. At the moment all he wants is parents together and you are easiest to blame.

Don't worry about tears in front of the teacher - when I had to go and explain my son's absence from school due to my DH leaving, I cried and cried as I tried to tell them. My mascara ran and I was so embarrassed - they were so very kind and understanding and exceptionally wonderful to my son.

Best wishes to you all.

Oh how I wish I could step away from OW but she isn't just an OW, she was a family friend and wormed her way into my children's lives. The biggest hurt is all tied up with my darling dad's death 2 years ago. I had some really happy memories of the times I spent with him leading up to his death, then sitting by his bed in ITU for 10 days until he eventually died. These are memories that comfort me but now I know that all that time XP and OW were at it like rabbits while I was away and those memories have been destroyed. I feel like they have stolen something totally irreplaceable, something so precious to me. How can I ever get over this? I can't rewrite my dad dying. He died, they shagged on his grave. Metaphorically of course as he was actually cremated although if I had known then what I know now I'd have pushed them both into the furnace too .

XP has finally moved into his parents house so that's one good thing that has happened out of this.

So sorry LC - You took a double hit with a friend and husband betraying you. Don't let OW or DH have that much power over you to tarnish the lovely memories you have of the last time you were with your Dad. Those last moments are precious - shove the nastiness of OW & DH away and rise like a Pheonix - they really are not worth your pain. Take care of yourself and don't let them win. Get strong and successful - this is the best revenge you can have on your XP and your nasty ex friend OW.

LC do not allow whatever was going on with them to taint your memories with your father it is a separate issue surely. Irrespective of the fact xp wasnt there supporting you the fact is you were with your Dad and thats what is important then and now.

What I would feel anger about is the facts of what he and the ow were doing all that time. You need to find a way of detaching from both of them now before this eats into anymore of you. Surely you arent still even considering a reconciliation with him now ? I would be viewing him moving out as closure, that you and he are no more other than in the context of ds's upbringing and you must place strict boundaries now that minimise contact with him.

I am with Min , the ow is beneath your consideration now , you have had your digs at her and you should not sully yourself with further contact or recriminations. How will you ever get over this ? Well LC you will get over it just as we all have travelled this vile path of recovery so will you and at the end of it you will be ok.

This might be out of line but reading your posts since you joined I view your xp as a very weak, cowardly and self indulgent man who is not worthy of any more chances and other than the inevitable air space he will have with you in terms of emotional recovery he shouldnt be allowed more than that. IMO until you decide categorically its over you will not start to heal and be indefinetly suspended in this world of drama.

Please dont think I think its easy , I wish I could fast forward for you . Sending you a big hug

Thank you all for your kind words. Hopefully, I'm on the home strait now. Surely the end must be in sight soon.

Thanks all x

Tea and cakes i'm glad things are moving for you. It sounds like your x may well get a rude awakening some day and hell mend him. You seem v lucid and strong about this and thats great.
My son is much calmer today and has got a few fun things lined up this weekend with pals. He still asks me lots of questions so I am glad he is talking about it. Minmin his teacher is being v supportive at school and his best friend is in a similar situation so I know they talk about it which can only be a good thing. Ironically when his parents split up a few months back we were v upset for them as we were friends. We even discussed how depressing it must be. My x said lets stick together for life-lo and behold a few months down the line we are splitting too! I was actually counting my blessings that my family life was so good. funny old world eh?

It is hard work with 3 nippers by myself but we will manage. I do ask myself sometimes why I ended up with such a disappointing husband because I've never been a doormat and I'm a good judge of character as well.
LC it is important that you hold onto your memories with your dad and separate them from all that. Although it is low your care and time with your dad is too precious to let them take from it. They are so not worth it.
Take care everyone I'm off for a soak.

Morning ladies

WQ how are you feeling now ? I hope you are well enough to go on your date tomorrow

Tea I was really impressed at you being so calm about listening to xh chatting about his ow problems it must have been weird. I agree I expect ow is starting to wonder what she has got into thinking about when she leaves uni, I have a feeling he is going to end up getting ditched and wondering what the hell he was thinking of. If not I must say I dont think you will have any problems dealing with her being involved with your dc because you have come such a long way

LC hope you are ok and still enjoying the view from the moral high ground

Starting how are you ? It sounds like you have been a bit up and down and the anniversaries coming up will be hard How are things with Norm is he shaping up into a serious contender ?

Min your posts are an inspiration sorry I have lost along the way when all this began for you but you sound so strong and I agree with your views on ow being beneath contempt

Maybee that sounds awful with your ds but its good he feels able to express his feelings rather than shutting it all away its just hard that you are in the firing line. I know what you mean about watching another couple split and feeling relief it isnt you. Now I look at other couples who are at heart very unhappy together but not willing or able to do anything about it and feel glad I am not them. Funny old world for sure

Well I am continuing to feel content and savouring the lack of anxiety and emotional angst when I wake up in the morning and really believe I have reached a place of serenity. I just have this feeling that everything is going to be ok with the house etc.

I was thinking last night about how much choice I would have if it wasnt for the dc ie I could move to a whole new area or throw caution to the wind and go off backpacking or something totally random. It made me consider how marriage and has made me sooo conventional and narrow minded. All the cliches about having one life are true and I certainly over the years have narrowed my horizons to the mundanities of life and fitting in with the status quo. I dont intend taking the dc out of school and buying a camper van to travel the world or anything but I want to start thinking a bit bigger I suppose. Get some dreams going about what I could do in 7 years time when the dc have left. Probably sounds a bit nuts I know !!

Anyway in the meantime off to make dinner for tonight !

Waves to everyone