All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Still never got a chance to do a proper post

Patience, hope you get the order sorted & best of luck with it all

Sov, agree you need to detach as much as possible. I can understand your concerns about him stopping access again but equally you can't allow him to hold you to ransom or you'll never get peace with this. ((Hugs))

Minm, glad you are taking care of yourself atm & best of luck with your move. I equally had lost a lot of weight from all the stress & used to find it hard to eat (hense the reliance on cigs & coffee!).

Maybee, my heart goes out to you with what you've going on atm & it is v close to the bone for me. I had a lot of similiar scenes with xh at the end. My advice to you would be to be v v careful in case your x gets even more violent. Had he ever been violent to you in the past?? I'm only asking in the context of if you have any previous behaviour to allow you to guage the present danger (you don't have to ans that ques on here it's just for you to consider). It's just that sometimes once they cross that line & once they've nothing else to lose they can become v violent & you could be in danger. I don't mean to worry you but better safe then sorry. If your x is still using substances you will not be dealing with a rational person so you need to be v cautious. Once my xh started to be violent i.e. once he'd crossed that line he got rapidly worse & his behaviour became more & more dangerous & psychotic. I had to get the assistance of the police & you may need to consider this if things worsen. What's happening with you is chillingly similiar to stuff I had with my xh. My xh equally told my 8yr old at the time that I was throwing him out! When I had to involve the police he told her that too & eventually while I was awaiting the court order she witnessed some horrible scenes in which he was violent to me. I would calmly tell your 8yr old that things are not good between mummy & daddy atm & it would be better for everyone if you did not live together anymore but that this is something that mummy & daddy need to sort out etc. A version of the truth that's age appropriate. I wouldn't lie about hitting x but use the opportunity to explain to ds that we never have the right to lash out. That you were v v hurt with x but that's no excuse to lash out etc. You'll know yourself how best to explain it but do it in a way that doesn't paint x as the bad guy as this will ultimately damage dc's further. My ds used to hit out at me too after xh left. At eight your ds will have a good understanding of what's going on so keep talking to him. Get as much support as you possibly can & try to stay strong. (((Hugs)))

sov I will get in touch with a solicitor tomorrow although I had hoped we could sort it out amicably.
starting my x did something similar once in the distant past. He is not a reasonable person when he does not get his own way but ironically before he always ran out of the house slamming doors. This time he knows I want him out so he does everything in his power to stay. I have just never seen our ds so angry and upset and I am furious that even now he is not putting him first. I actually calmed ds eventually and pretty much told him what you just suggested. He took it quite well and I did say that it was not his fault and we both love him and his brothers regardless and it would be wrong to blame each other as he loves us both so he went to bed quite happy. I can't sleep though. I have a v supportive family and have told one of my brothers and my sis who think I should just go back to NI where they all are and everyone will rally round. The only problem is finding a job and I really don't want to not work. What really antagonises me as well is that he kept saying 'good work' when none of this is my fault. Anyway thanks for the wise post.

Hello ladies, I'll catch up on the thread later since last night, but I just wanted to say my hotmail had been hacked and I've been sending spam messages

So if you got one from me I'm so sorry. I've changed all the passwords etc and hopefully the problem is now resolved. If it hasn't let me know.

Maybee, a lot of similarities with my xh, he used to behave v unreasonably also when he didn't get his own way & I had the running out & door slamming. After years of xh threatening to leave if he didn't get his own way when it came to it & I ended it over his infidelity he turned on me completely. My xh equally never (up to this day)accepted that he did any wrong or accepted any responsibility. Ignore what he says to you i.e. 'good work' & start detaching from his words & behaviour otherwise you will risk your mental health. It's great that you talked to ds, have faith that in time his anger will pass. It's healthy for him to feel anger atm so I wouldn't worry about that too much. Try to find healthy ways for him to release it atm i.e. sports, punch bag etc. Moving to NI might be a great idea but it sounds like you've a lot on your plate atm so it might not be the best time to make major decisions such as relocating. I'm sure once you've given yourself a bit of time you'll know what is the right thing for you & dc's. ((Hugs)) Keep posting & venting.

Tea, I got an email but had guessed it must be a virus as there was no subject. Hope you get it sorted soon.

I cant even have a nap in the day without dreams [grr]

It was quite peculiar though, X had come round to sort things out and was playing with my clean bras off the clothes horse and suggesting sex but when he took his coat off he was wearing full ladies lingerie, stockings, suspenders, basque and knickers and when i looked properly he had full make up which he said was because he was going to a party

Hi everyone just a quick hello .

I am waiting for ds to be dropped back after spending a couple of hours with xh. Its his birthday and it feels a bit sad that there will be no family dinner (as in with xh)and he hasnt come straight home after school on his birthday. Still I am doing his favourite tea and no doubt he will just be really happy with his presents.

One new to deal with thing I am anticipating is a card or present or both from ow or ds's card from his dad to include her name on it. Still all these things only happen for the first time once and the important thing is I have a happy healthy lovely ds

Waves to everyone

Ooh Sov, that's one weird dream. I thought my dreams were bad (I suffer from night terrors) but yours takes the biscuit although it actually qualifies as a nightmare.

Maybee, I'm sure Starting is giving you sterling advice. I can't really help as my XP is being very compliant with regard to doing what I ask him to do, apart from telling me a bucket full of lies of course. My ds is nearly 10 and knows that we have separated because Dad had (has) another girlfriend. We have both told him that it is a very bad thing to do and that we are very sorry he has been hurt. Unfortunately, he found out by accident that OW is also a family friend and is old enough to realise that he was unwittingly witness to the affair when they went out to the pub or she picked him up from gymnastics etc. He is angry with his Dad about that and told him that he no longer trusts him and is disappointed in his behaviour. Couldn't have put it better myself.

XP went back to work today. I haven't told him whether or not I am willing to try again so he remains on his best behaviour. OW sent him an email at work callng him a coward and he texted me immediately to tell me. He offered to come home at lunchtime but I declined. It looks like he is actually being honest and transparent for the first time in 3 years. Only another 1094 days to go before I start to even think about trusting him again. Do I think he can keep it up for that long?

At last we can take Wallace out for walks as he has had all his vaccinations. Took him round the block twice and loads of people spoke to us. I like this dog walking thing. Just need to work out where the decent unattached men go to walk their dogs now .

Hi Getting. Hope ds enjoys his birthday. I don't recall how old he is but in my experience boys of any age simply ignore cards. My eldest just leaves them in a pile in his room. I'm sure he only bothers to open them in case there's a tenner inside. If the OW has added her name it will mean more to you than your ds, I'm sure.

Thanks for the warning, Tea, but all ok on my emeiails.

WQ where are you ???

Did you go on your date ?

Are you ok ?

Should we call out a search party ??

Please tell us you're ok. x

think the dates at the weekend Pink but yes where are you WQ ?
Hope your doing ok :o

LC, glad your back posting and enjoying walking wallace, very theraputic too

Tea - no emails recieved here, here they didnt get any personal info

Getting, hope your DS had a lovely birthday and i am dreading how we going to manage birthdays when they come around starting January, usually have a tea party for 1st birthday, just family but am not sure if X will go down well with my family atm and his certainly wont be there, ah well tis a bridge i will cross when i get there

Starting, great advice for Maybee, hope your doing ok

Maybee, did you see sol today?

Hello everyone hope you are all a few steps closer to peace and serenity! Getting I hope ds had a good birthday. I can imagine how it might be emotional. I'm not looking forward to all that.
Sov that was a weird dream ha ha you've emasculated him effortlessly.
I wonder what Freud would say.
startingover Your x sounds v similar to mine. Alas though my x has a really warm caring funny side/front which really fooled me for years and often made me feel that I had driven him to behave so appallingly. He phoned today and I told him that the animosity must cease to protect the kids as from today - he agreed. he came round to see the boys and took ds 1 to BB. Honestly it was like night and day he was rational, sensible and agreed to everything. It was like a different person. I think he flipped because he did not really think it was over yet. Anyway he may will flip back again so I have no illusions there. i actually feel sorry for him sometimes. how nuts is that after what he has done on me. I did not see a sol today but will try again tomorrow.
I have the house to myself and the boys again. it is great I will go and soak in the bath.
x

Maybee, my xh was known for his warm caring funny gentle nature too & believe it or not I used to think that maybe I was mistakenly accusing him of being unfaithful (despite ample evidence)& that I'd drove him to insanity !! Whenever my xh thought there was a way back in he switched to being loveable & caring & when he was confronted with stuff he'd done he reverted to being almost evil!!Glad you're getting a bit of space & feeling better tonight.

Also wondering where WQ has disappeared to

Getting, hope you had a nice evening with ds

Sov, would be interesting to google that dream . Hope things settle down with x soon. ((Hugs))

LC, hope you get a bit of space now to reflect on what's best for you away from all the drama.

Well dumplings I really messed up this evening. Am feeling like crap. Somebody criticised my parenting & before I knew what I was doing I reacted by pointing out some of their own faults. This all happened within 2mins but was v emotionally charged & OMG I really hurt the other person . We didn't argue as such & conversation continued skirting around the issues but omg I really said the wrong thing & couldn't take it back. Worse the person is guilty as charged (for want of better words) & they already know this & carry the weight of their mistakes with them every day possibly to the point of suffering depression at times. OMG I feel so sick, any words of wisdom??

Just a quick one off to bed

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I may have to kill along the way :o

Courtesy of staus shuffle on facebook LOL

Arfity arf arf

Ah the wonders of phone posting (WQ where are you?)

Woke up in the middle of the night and glanced at the serenity prayer Sov. And then realised that it was not quite the same as usual .

Starting, all you can do is apologise for any hurt caused and tell them that you value thier friendship. I have a very sharp tongue and am way too quick with barbed one-liners but I have learned to keep them in my head unless XP is around of course.

Well, XP is back at work with the opportunity to speak to OW at any time during the working day. And right now I just don't give a fig. Any feelings of anger are all to do with the competition against OW (who hasn't had the boob job yet, it's this Thursday) and I keep thinking of WWIFN's words of advice about the prize being totally worthless and feel inclined to agree. My feelings towards OW are much stronger than my feelings towards XP. What does this mean? Am I blocking out all the hurt? Am I getting over it? Am I using the OW as a scapegoat? And is there any point wasting any more time trying to analyse it?

Hope it's a good dumpling day for everyone and yes, where are you WQ?

Starting, I would buy her a really lovely bunch of flowers today with a note to appologies for the way you reacted to her citisisms. x

LC - I am still directing all my anger at the OW and although I know it is wrong, that is how I feel and dont know how to change it. I know they are both to blame but she means nothing to me and alas I still love DH. I am still hoping that will change in time and maybe I need to try and see him more to knock him off that pedestal that I have put him on and also to kill this idealistic image I have. Lovely to see you back LC.

Had a long conversation with DH yesterday which I suppose wasnt really helpful. I texted him on sunday as he hadnt texted to see how my course and exam went, I told him he was selfish and only cared about himself and OW, he said the text had really stressed him and said I still care for you and still love you, your the best friend I have ever had and we had a unique relationship and I dont ever want to loose that!!! I said obvioulsy not unique enough and wasnt quite quick enough with I dont want to be your friend I wanted a relationship with you.

Hope you are all ok and bet you are all doing better than me, I did ask DH how he suggests I get over him!

WQ - Are you ok or just busy?

Maybee just look after yourself mate ,amicable goes out the window in my experience when you start to stand up for yourself and become empowered,instead they start to show their true colours.Speak to Sol straight away re house etc .Just remember someone telling me that the age these blokes start drinking/smoking dope or whatever ,is when they stop developing emotionally so i was always dealing with a 15yo boy basically.Hence the driving off staying away etc if i ever asked him to stop drinking .He would punish me by leaving so i was grateful he came back .It was always all about him,all my fault ,i caused everything ,i drove him to drink and he would lie and lie even when he knew i knew the truth,just completely in denial ,he just cant accept responsibility for anything.
Pinks suggestion sounds good Startin ,just be urself,im sure ur friend knows the pressure you are under just now you are not super human ffs !But flowers and apology help friend to see you are trying to make ammends and are truly sorry x
Sov ur plan sounds good ,boundaries sound good i think he has to see that you have a right to some free time ,my X has kids 10 til 5pm now on Sundays and it seems to be working well ,I would never suggest he saw them in my flat ,too bloody easy ,he has to get off his arse and sort out his own day,i understand ur concerns re him sticking to it SOV and ur fears.Nobody has mentioned Christmas yet so thats cool by me all seems ages away but its not is it ?
Waves to everyone ....
Keep The Faith !

Morning.

Starting just make sure not too much time lapses before you speak to your friend again and let her (?) know you didnt intend to be harsh.

Maybee glad things have calmed down a bit now

LC not sure what to say really as to be blunt I view my ow as so inferior in quality to me it has never occured to me to compare or compete with her. I think you need to try and stop seeing so much of your xp for a while so you can try and make some decisions from a position of detachment

Sov the first birthdays are hard but I guess with Xmas first you will get a feel for how you will organise these types of things with your xh. Lol at your dream btw !!

Romney I know its hard but you need to start detaching from your h , these comments of his would mess up the strongest of us and I think he is keeping his options open. Dont let this go on for too long as you may end up feeling even worse in the future that you allowed him to do this.

Tea how was the last evening of the course ? I didnt get any emails.

Well ds birthday went well. No ow presents but amusingly xh had signed her name in smaller letters under his own in the card. I laughed and thought how pathetic either have the courage of your convictions or dont. Your words today Patience were very apt as last night xh had assumed he would be taking both dc off for the birthday bit but I said no for various reasons. Today he is being unpleasant to me which is clearly because he didnt get his own way and is unaccustomed to being told no. What an arse

This bit is self indulgence so feel free to skip over. This time last year I knew xh would be moving out as we had a huge row on ds's birthday and he had told me next time I have one of my raving loony fits he would look for somewhere else to live and my chances with him would be over. So a year ago I woke up knowing he would be going and I wasnt sorry as by then I realised how much I had tolerated from him and how I was doing everything to make things work while he continued the same as ever.

One year on I am happier and remember so clearly that release from thinking what can I cook/wear/say/ignore/behave like to make him want to stay married to me which took place the moment I opened my eyes 23 November 2009. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I marvel now at how desperate I was to stay married , how terrified at a future as a divorcee and single parent. How I allowed him to make me believe I was a nutter someone without much worth etc etc.

Now I am so proud of myself that I have come through this last year with my head held high to the world and very little to speak of in the way of emotional texts/calls to him or any incidents at all that I regret. I havent rushed out trying to find a man to make me ok again. I know that without ow and her busy family life he would be the same lonely alcoholic self pitying individual he was when he left.

Anyway rant over and be warned fellow dumplings gettingeasier is a shocker for "anniversaries" and there are a couple more to get through before 2011 !!

Big waves to everyone and I hope lurking dumplings are doing ok especially newer ones who have gone quiet - dont forget this thread is just as much about letting out sadness and heartbreak as celebrating moving on

Hi everyone

Patience agree so much these men should get off their arses and make effort. Glad Sundays working for you. Def keep the faith

Rom -sorry its the total crisis theyre in again - they can feel for you but still do the awful stuff to you as they are just coping how they can - and its all about them.

Its a classic overall to hate the OW with a passion and to feel much less strongly about H/OH. I was guilty of it for a long time. I could have seriously injured her. Wiser people said to me its actually him you should blame he betrayed your trust, he deceived you. She was single etc etc. Its the anger you have to process. And longer term I think you come to terms with it better. I still wish her no good whatever. But I dont feel angry any more and thats good for me. I still think she is a low person with no integrity but I think anyone would.

LC sorry your 10 year old had to find that out but his judgement seems sound. Im still at the boob job. Words that come to mind are desperate, sad

Maybe Sorry youve the same person to deal with as Starying -have heard this person called on some websites Monster. It is common sadly.

Getting hope DS had a lovely birthday and yes can empathise with the changes now and future you have to deal with

Starting - good suggestions from others how to handle. I think thats one thing we have to forgive ourselves for sometimes - we do have a lot to deal with ourselves and sometimes it makes us a little less good at handling situations with friends and rellys.

Pink - [smile} as always

Happy too

Hi to everyone else.

Am taking on the world I think now -as not taking crap from anyone. Am now in dispute with both council and insurance company. Am dumpling though so I will prevail.

Am going definitely with Happy on 27th November to Mumsnet London meet. Tea? Citydoll -where are you too? Hope youre ok.

Hi to all other dumplings.

Have a friend sadly become a dumpling in the last 2 weeks. Trying to support her but sadly she lives far away. Have suggested she joins here [smile}

Sov love that alternative version lol

Hi, everyone,

Have had a couple of really good and happy weeks, socialising and also been very busy at work(hence not had time to post).

Anyway, am feeling a little bit sad today because very inefficient Council sent DH a demand for outstanding rates when I have already written to them twice and spoken to them 3 times to change the bill to my name! As a result got email from DH and where I thought I would never have to communicate with him ever again, I suddenly feel really weird to have to answer his email! To be expected, I suppose, but it is a small setback for me and I hate it! Thank God I do not have to handle custody and access issues like some of you very brave ladies have to.

Waves and hugs to all.

MF so true re DEDP {Dumpling Emotional Development Programme}This weekend i have been bullied by a big fish re business cant go into details but in the end after many phone slamming conversation {them not me}they offered me a job ROFL [with legs in the air !!!]
ps I did manage to restrain myself from using my usual reply to threatening muppets "Away and get urself tae fuck !"
........but only just x

That summed it up 4 me in the early months CD any contact at all would set me back and send me spinning,take care and plan something fab for the weekend x

Hello all hope you're all ok. I told my son's teacher that we have split this am and despite my best efforts I cried a bit in front of her. She was v kind and understanding but I wanted to be strong and dry-eyed. my son said in the car mum I'm still a bit said why did you have to put him out? I nexplained the scenario again in a neutral way but my heart bleeds for him. His dad should never have told him what he did. That was so unkind.
Thanks for messages. Patience Starting and Mumfun It is good to know that my experience is not so unique I wish I knew long ago. That is incredibly helpful. Now I will really steel myself up against his nice side and detach totally. I sometimes wish I'd known about mnet 7 yrs ago when we first split.
*Starting I agree with others don't beat yourself up here. Send her a card and flowers and apologise. You are under stress it is understandable. I think we are all abit defensive about parenting at times esp if you feel a bit vulnerable.
WQ hope you are ok we miss you.

Patience nice ego boost to be offered a job though

Maybee it is horrible telling people but it gets easier, are you getting more RL support now ? I often wonder if I could have saved my marriage if I had known about MN years ago and sought advice on my marriage problems rather than soldiering on and papering over the cracks

Citydoll thats great you have been feeling better , its such an uneven process recovering. Yes I too still find dealing with xh a headache but days like today remind me that I am better without his toxicity. I console myself with the thought that at some point I will not need contact with him apart from odd occasions,it cant come soon enough.

Mumfun how are things with your h now ? You sound on good form so I hope its all working out.