All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Minmin you have had a hellish day you are much better off without your x. What is EA? You are strong - anyone would cry over what you have been going through. Get a good nights sleep you will see more clearly in the morning.
Patience You've been through the mill. I think the lies are what destroy you in the end. My x does not even take responsibility for what he says and can't even remember his own fabrications so I can't believe a word he says.
We'd booked a family room in Kendal this Saturday night, so instead of going as a family i'm going with just my almost 3yr old ds. I just need to get away and we'll go to the animal park and really have fun. Our eldest has a party anyway and i'll leave the baby with my x as well. The forecast is good. I hope the melancholia doesn't hit me tho as we had a really idyllic October family holiday 3 years ago at the lake distict. Man how things change in an instant. Life and its brutal twists and turns eh?
Anyway take care everyone.
x

Minmin cry as much as you can to get that emotion out ,i found it far in the best way to move me on.I had about a week of turmoil re moving house but i didnt bring it with me to my new home ,i left it all at the cottage.
Ur X is starting to feel consequences and the repercussions and he isnt liking the reality that it brings,can u have a 3rd party around when you talk ,his bullying isnt trivial and shouldnt be dismissed .If he is unstable I would have a witness with me when you talk .

MB have a good break ,try and stay in the moment ,try not to allow urself to dwell on the past or worry about the future,fight the DOOM if it tries to spoil ur holiday and really have fun out walking and playing you dont have to answer to any grumpy mumpy moany H you can suit yourself and eat cake all weekend ,

Hope ur cool Happy

Chin up ,Tits out !!

Patience - I will try and take your advice regarding not dwelling in the past, as I have been a bit tearful today, first tears for 2 weeks! Cant help thinking about how hurt I still am and that DH has totally broken my heart, I know it will take time to heal but it doesnt seem to be healing quick enough for me.

Minmin - hope tomorrow is a better day for you and all our dumpling friends. Where are you moving to?

Maybee - EA is an emotional affair I think.

I have just got in from an early christmas dinner with the guys I work with (9 guys and me, I bet anyone looking on would think I am some jealous girlfriend who wont let her man out on his own). We went for a lovely curry then to a club for drinks, (it got too loud for me when the live band came on! shows Im getting old).

Anyway thanks you all again for your continued support. Hugs to you all.

morning everyone.

I have a been a little bit silly remember the male friend who came to see me? well we have been emailing each other since and he has now told me that he does like me (god I feel truly awful because even though i love him so much as a friend i have never ever looked at him like that) i had had a couple of wines and i kind of went along with it and did not say that it could not be a possibility. i need to tell him today that i am just not into anything like that especially something as heavy as going from very good friends to a relationship. i was just flattered by the attention to be honest. i feel such a bitch he has just gone through a very messy break up so it is all very complicated.

i have decided that i am going to go on my date but after this latest episode it is purely going to be for moving on purposes to get back out there!!

on a majot plus side though all this makes me feel so disengaged from h that it is lovely

lc - hope you are ok and that things are starting to look up for you. Ow having a boob job? do you think she is doing it to keep your x interested? strange behaviour !!!!

patience - how is the business going? so good to see you giving fab advice on here. by the way went to see my 200 year tree near my house today, asked it to say hi to yours for you xx that tree must have seen son much in its 200 years, it is so encouraging to know that life goes on.

getting - it was nice to hear h with regrets but it is too little far too late ad he was so wishy washy about it all that it got me quite narked. like this better co parent idea starting and getting

minmin - huge hugs for you, cry all you need to it does no good to bottle it up. ((hugs))

maybee great idea about getting away - hope you have a really nice time. life does have brutal twists but yo have to go with them and we have to come out stronger and better. ((hugs to you too))

in fact HUGS TO ALL DUMPLINGS (((()))))

romney - 9 men and just you hope they looked after you! i can't stand loud clubs either much prefer a quite drink in front of a real fire in a country pub (it is not age that is just class )

how are you sov? detachment mmmmmm that is the $64 million question isn't it? whenever i feel in a low ebb i pamper pamper pamper until i come back out.

good books
funny films
early nights
lots of walks/parks/arts and crafts etc.
get out with your mates

basically i have found that if you are dwelling on him you need to distract you mind as much as possible until it gets out of the habit.

starting - loving the number symbolism perfect!!!!!

midnight - like the sound of your plan re moving house, i like to have a plan, helps to focus

hi happy hope things are going ok and not too bad with BE

Don't feel bad WQ, it's not as if you asked him to drive all that way to see you is it. You're not responsible for his feelings, flattering though they are.

Good luck with your date.

i know pink (thank you)but at first i thought there was nothing to it so i went along with the email flirting thinking that it was just a bit of friendly banter now i feel like a prize twat.

Morning Pink

WQ dont worry its only been a few emails , just be gentle ! When is the date ? Great to see you posting on such cracking form

Been to the gym and now getting ready to go to an art exhibition in London where I am meeting my sister and then out for dinner afterwards which I am really looking forward to.

Just as I had hoped now I am so much clearer on where I stand and all the dealings with xh are over I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders . No dreams last night and the first good nights sleep in quite a long time are also adding to the feel good factor.

I just have a real feeling of joy and optimism and that everything is going to be fine - off to enjoy it while it lasts

Hope everyone is ok and enjoying/coping with their day whatever stage they are at

Morning Getting, and WQ and everyone else.

You ok Happy ?

Mumfun.......loved your post about culling people in your life who aren't loyal/ don't care enough etc. That's exactly what I did. It was like taking out the rubbish (harsh I know) and now I'm just left with the gems

Just typed and lost a really long post, grrr.

Brief update: still reeling from the shock of last weeks revelations. Trying to steel myself to rewrite the last 2-3 years of my life. The bit where my dad lay dying of cancer as XP and OW were booking into hotels and professing their love for each other really hurts. The fact that the affair started just a few weeks after we got engaged isn't a nice thought either.

XP is here as I have to work this weekend. But I am finding his presence quite irritating. He has lost over 2 stone, not coping with day to day things and saw a vision of the Chrysler Building on a cupboard door this morning . He goes back to work on Monday which he is dreading as OW is bragging about all the gory details. She has dyed her hair red and is telling everyone it's because XP doesn't like redheads . I believe she had a boob job last Thursday, not previously arranged. What her motives are is anyone's guess but I have gingery hair and a redhead's complexion (transparently pale skin and freckles). I also have big knockers (30GG now but was 30HH before recent weight loss). I'm telling myself she's doing it to make herself feel better about herself but I think I'm too generous . Her poor H also works at the same place but he seems so desparate to hang on to her he would do anything.

Sorry this is another me, me, me post. I am reading everyone's posts but I'm still having a job concentrating and remembering. However, I think I am getting to the point where I need to start thinking about other things. Bear with me for a bit longer and I'll get my bounce back soon x

LC - Nice to have an update from you and be me, me, me as long as you need, you have given me so much wonderful advice during my hours of need and I know the other dumplings are amazingly tolerant of me repeating myself etc so im sure they will be happy just for you to drop in. Take care.

DH texted me today to see if I am ok, I havent texted back maybe will tomorrow after my tests, dont know if thats why Im down at the moment as I know I have these tests to get through tomorrow and am dreading them as I cant seem to retain any information at the moment, brain just seems to want to dwell on my broken heart.

Have a lovely evening my fellow dumplings, I will be back later and will also need to do some more revision.

Hello lovely ladies, I still haven?t caught up but if you need to pick my brains or want to touch base just pm me. I?ve had a cold for a few days and have been going to bed mega early and waking in the morning feeling like I haven?t slept, despite the vast quantity of vitamins I am consuming, so I?m not spending much time doing anything right now, everything is an effort, even making a concerted effort to comment and catch up on this thread, it?s now getting to the point where I?m afraid I won?t catch up. I?m just so so tired right now. H came over this afternoon and we took the DCs to a soft play together. Haven?t bought anything for Christmas yet but know that I ought to. I still haven?t gotten around to paying for the Xmas Mumsnet meet up and I?m now thinking perhaps I?ve left it too late but I?m not sure but I?m too tired to check. Way behind on chores house wise, even washing up is an effort right now

Consent order arrived for me to check on Friday, need to sign it and then it?ll be submitted to court to apply for the decree absolute. So glad I did everything via solicitor and it?s all been sorted so quickly. April to November, not bad really.

So in summary life continues here despite me feeling pathetic and tired for several days, tired but generally content. Looking forward to the celebration dinner for my divorce recovery course on Monday night. Really hope if I get an early night tomorrow I?ll feel a little better. I?m so sorry that I am so crap and I haven?t got a clue what?s going on now on our thread at all. I miss being a part of it all but cannot find the strength or concentration to apply myself and I have another TMA due and am way way behind. Not good at all.

If this post makes sense I'll be impressed as I'm feeling so drained and exhausted.

Pink - have ordered the book you recommended thank you

LC - good to see you and i hope your ok

Tea - hope your feeling better soon

Patience - glad your settling in well

Welcome to all that have joined us

Rom - know the feeling hun, either dont text hime back or just text i'm fine short and sweet, mind games are a bi*

Getting - hope you had a wonderful day and glad you are feeling so good

WQ - it was only a few email i wouldn't worry about it and thanks for the advice am neglecting myself a lot atm need to snap out of it

Maybee- hope you enjoyed your time away and were able to relax

Minmin - when you move make sure they have broadband so you can keep posting on here were worldwide dont ya know

Happy - hope your ok and meeting went well

Midnight - moving in with your parents may be very good for you, you have to think longterm good luck

citydoll - hope your ok

thanks to everyone for your support, i havent commented on everyone or everything but i hope all is well for you all will post in a sec about my situation atm

Well where to start really

X babysat last friday, i had a goodnight out he stayed till 3 am chatting, was supposed to come again sunday text me 15 mins before visit saying he wasnt coming we argued via text me saying it wasnt good enough him telling me he was losing the will to live and was really depressed ect ect which made me feel bad, tuesday he text at midnight asking if i was still up, i was so he text and apologised for his behaviour, texts went back and forth with me saying if he needed to talk i was here, him telling me i was always too good for him 1.30 in the morning he comes round cause he wanted to talk, i let him in it's all friendly banter and general chatting nothing about why he's depressed or why he wanted to talk to me, he left at 4.30 and i was still none the wiser, he comes wednesday to see the kids was really friendly and said thanks about him coming round, when DC went to bed he's laid out on the sofa chatting and what seemed to me was flirting then when he left he got to the gate and looked back, which he never normally does, as you may have gathered i feel like im getting mixed messages from him
a friend tells me he's put on facebook about feeling lonley ect and when he comes for a visit friday he's being mega nice, an hour after he leaves he texts and asks to come round, i say yes thinking he wants to talk 10 minutes after arriving his mate texts, half an hour later he leaves, still saying nothing about why he's wanting to spend time with me, i had a really bad day friday was feeling very down and my head was spinning with what i would call mind games and he said he was sorry he hurt me and if i wanted to talk to him i could (obviously cant when its about him)
after he left i got a text off a friend telling me he'd put on FB that it was hard to pretend not to care but easier to pretend to care
i thought this meant he didnt actually give a cr** about how i was feeling and was just pretending, i also got it into my head the only reason he was coming round was because he had no where else to go so i emailed him and told him thats what i thought and i told him that i needed space and i would be giving him a wide berth from now on
He messaged back saying thats not what he meant and it was just a wordplay that he liked and that he does care about me just not the way it used to be and that he wanted to be my friend and didint want to go back to the way things were but would accept whatever i decided and would keep it all about the DC
I didnt bother to reply, today he rang me constantly till i turned my mobile off and unplugged the landline, then he tried to msn me so i logged out, then he messages me on fb, having a hissy fit saying fine if i was wouldnt even speak to him he would erase me from his life completely and that he had only wanted to be my friend nothing more nothing less, again i ignored it
I did message him back tonight to remind him that the DC have done nothing wrong and i expect him tomorrow at 4 and to have a think about why it is so important for him to have me in his lfe at all when all we need to be is amicable and thats it, i also told him to think about why he got so annoyed that i didnt answer the phone to him that he felt the need to have a hissy fit

I know i need to detatch from this and that his problems are his problems and not mine but i find it so hard and when he looked to me to talk to and flirted a little i thought there was a ray of hope and i clung on to it but all it did was drag me down as i didnt know if i was coming or going i have been an absolute mess over it all, he seems to think i should be over it and able to be buddies with him, well im sorry i really cant do that atm
IF he turns up tomorrow i am going to stay upstairs out of the way, i have no one that can be here when he comes round so i dont have a choice but to do it myself i just hope he has the sense not to start an argument while DC are here

Am sorry i have rambled on and its such a long post, this is probably why i should post more regular lol

Hi all, quick post - off for sporting activity.

Sov, that sounds horrible. What confusing messages he is giving. Sounds like some space is what you need. Maybe stay detached, not ignore him completely but keep conversations short and be polite, but if he asks to come round just say 'I'd prefer us to do what's best for the DC's atm and focus our conversations around them. I think we both need some space right now. Perhaps after some time apart it would be good for us to talk more but it doesn't feel right for me atm.

Rom, I hope all goes ok with the tests. I've been where you are where its hard to stop your mind swirling round and your brain focusing on stuff. Focusing on doing things for me to feed my mind, body, soul and spirit has really helped. E.g. sport, exercise, reading (although I found that hard for a while, which apparently is normal), music, spa treatments, nice baths, hugs with friends, they all help.

WQ, at least you realised what was going on pretty quickly with your friend. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Tea, hope you feel better today. I am transferring the xmas meet up money today and will be going. Really hope you can come. ALL please come to the xmas meet up if you can....it will be fun I know.....

Getting, good to hear that all is well. Impressed with you talking with XH. I'm sure you will do the face to face thing soon - and it will probably feel good then to have it out of the way.

LC, urgh, my mental picture of your OW is not good. Feels to me like detachment and space away from all of what's happening would be a peaceful place to be.

To answer a few questions, I am feeling totally fine - bizarrely I don't remember when I was happier. Talked with sol on Friday and plan to ask XH a few questions before making him an offer. She said his situation is now so unclear that it's hard to know how to advise me . Also braved estate agents for the first time yesterday - it was hard to do as the village is quite small and it felt v public but actually I feel more empowered for having done it. Turned out that news of XH leaving had not totally got around even tho it's been a year now. DS situation still there, in himself he actually seems much better - good but unfortunately because of some stuff that has happened there will probably be some hard stuff to face (sorry sounds mysterious but public forum and all that). Things will be clearer within a fortnight.

I hope everyone else is ok, Starting, Patience, MumFun, Pink, City, Maybee, too many to list.....

P.S., try Accused on iplayer, 1st one. It will be there for a while. These affairs are never a good idea .

Thank you for the advice Happy, that is exactly what i have told him, i said until i can look at him and feel nothing i cant be his friend and that everything should be about the DC's and only about them and i would prefer to communicate via text message, i need plenty of space and plenty of time, i have also asked friends not to tell me what he's writing on fb either i need to find ways to detatch from all of it now

I have recorded Accused on on sky plus apparently there will be 6 different episodes, i like nothing better than vegging out if front of the tv and forgetting life for a while :o

Hope everything is made clearer for you soon and am glad that you are feeling happier

I wish everyone a happy sunday, relax and enjoy yourselves, pj day for me :o

Waves to all.........

Will read over the thread in a sec. Am posting here to force myself to get my arse in gear. I have weighed myself this morn & I am at least half a stone heavier . I remember reading one time that once a woman is comfortable in a new relationship she will put on about a stone. Well it must be the combination of all the eating with Norm & being off the cigs but I will have to nip it in the bud immediately. I am giving myself a sharp virtual slap!! My focus now will be to get back on track asap.

LOL at Startin because since i moved i have also been eating more ,not smoked either so stress levels down but need to eat healthier as tempted myself with Tesco chocolate croissants and pots of tea or rolls and butter and jam Def looking at a healthier week although i now have 6 chippies in walking distance and loads of restaurants .Went out with a friend in town yesterday she had a baby in buggy then her dd my dd had teddies in buggies and ds took a gun so we all trooped into the chippy as a posse ,she said "See we couldnt do that at your old house"She also told me she brought the buggy specifically for chippy trip.
Slight blip re supplies for workshop,delivery balls up, but i have felt the rage and left it behind me and will be contacting the company tomorrow.
Sov ur self preservation plan sounds great,good for you,i couldnt spend time with X when i still had feelings for him,i always clung onto any chink of hope ,but he just wanted me as back up and i was never going to accept that ,once i made the break i knew even although i still wanted to be with him it had to be with RESPECT or not at all,i understood why i hadnt been happy ,because my husband had never respected me .
Happy glad ur happy !!!!
Startin on the plus sided imagine how many calories you are burning with Norm !!!

This Pillars of the Earth series finished yesterday. Such an epic series, it was so good

Now what will I watch instead? I'm dead fussy

Evening all, hope everyones had a good weekend

I need to lose weight and stick to it, was doing ok during the week then have splurged a bit over the weekend unfortunately but i tend to eat crap when i'm down too

Visit with X today was crap he arrived as i was serving dinner so went and sat in his car for half an hour
When he came back i immediately went upstairs, 30 minutes later he phones me and says DD wont stop crying(i didnt hear anything) and that he couldnt put her down and spend time with the boys, so i asked what he wanted me to do and he said come down, so given no choice that's what i did, most of the time after that he sat watching tv ignoring the boys and although DD was a bit unsettled she happily went off to play
He made a few chatty remarks and i was polite, then he made me a cup of tea which i graciously accepted then he recieved a phone call from a female and said "of course it's tony" (thats not his name) i thought poor girl if he's lying to her about his name god knows what he's lying about when he realised i could hear the conversation he took it outside, when he comes back in he says it's his mate, told him not my business and went to the shop but it did upset me, why couldnt he have waited till after the visit?
Needless to say i was very uncomfortable the entire visit and that just made things worse, i barely spoke after that and was very very grateful when he left, infact i barely said bye, for a minute i thought he was planning on hanging around to talk to me after i put DC to bed but i made it very clear i didnt want to talk so he left
Think i'm going to have to go out when he's here as i think saying DD was crying was just a ploy to get me downstairs and force me to 'spend time with him' i could be wrong but i dont know at least if im out he cant call me back or if he does i could just pick DD up and take her with me IYSWIM

Evening all,

Read the latest posts and hope that all of you have had a reasonably happy weekend. After a shocker Thursday evening and Friday I spent Saturday alone. Being an expat I don't have a lot of friends - those I do have are wonderful,but busy. Feeling it was time to be liberated I took myself off and had an early dinner alone and read my book. If I didn't do that I know I would have not eaten a thing at home. It was really nice! Looking around there were others like me. Like Patience I am rather skinny after my horrible six months and am constantly told to eat. I cannot eat when stressed and with my DH going bonkers I have shrunk to the size of a twelve year old. Anyway, after eating I felt really good and stolled home and watched a movie. I thought I would spent the evening crying my eyes out, but didn't.

Sunday, a friend called and invited me for breakfast. It was so lovely and we had a good talk - lots of positive messages and comfort (and food). After that wondered over to another friend who invited me for dinner - fed again. I am lucky to have such lovely people around me here and I shall miss them very much, however, I know that they are my friends for life and we will always stay in touch.

Sov - yes I am going to a place where broadband exists and I will certainly stay in touch. I feel that I have found a community here and I would like to see how all of you move towards the light and tell you of what happens in my new home.

After crumbling somewhat on Friday, I am feeling much better. Talking to a couple of my friends' partners they all say that I have made the right decision to leave - and that coming from men!

I thought I would share something with you that was said on a show on television the other night. I thought it quite profound and seemed pointed at my life with my DH.

'How is that some people walk through their life dragging their lives with them destroying everything they touch? No one ever knows except the honest people left to pick up the pieces'.

Take care everyone.

Tea - did you watch this? the big silence. I really enjoyed it.

And last week's Accused was good, will be trying this week's one also

Sov, sounds like you definitely need a way to avoid him during access, otherwise just is really messy isn't it? Is there no way he could see the kids somewhere else, even if he only maybe sees 1 or 2 at a time?

Minmin, glad your friends made a fuss of you. I've had some of that this weekend and last weekend. Have developed some fab friendships since leaving XH, have such good times with them - waves to all

Have now paid for xmas meet up!

Hi everyone, Sov I think having to listen to your x is really unfair and draining for you. Your idea of avoiding him is a sensible and necessary one - don't get sucked in you need all your energy and resources for you and the dc.

I had a fab break at the lake district and actually could look back and think yes we had a fab time then but this is fab too in a different way. He is not taking my joie de vivre-not ever!
While i was away I spoke to my sister and her opinion like that of many people, is that we need to live separately asap for everyone's sake. In fact I am much more tearful when he is in the house. So when I got home -to a v clean house and cooked meal, I told my x quite calmly that the situation was not ideal. For example He went out on Thursday night for 'a walk and maybe a pint' and came back 3.5 hrs later. So on Friday at 8.30pm he said I'm tired if you have the lights on down here I'll go to our bed for a bit. I said no you won't I'll go up myself in 30mins. Anyway he got into bed with our son and fell asleep and came down later when I had gone to bed. He is the one that created this mess so I do need peace to get over it now. Also we bicker when he is here and that is not good for the boys. So anyway tonight there was no reasoning with him, he said it was his house too, he still pays most of mortgage etc etc I would have to buy him out bla bla bla. Even though I paid the deposit and if we sell we will lose £. I hadn't meant even that he should move out tonight I was hoping we could come up with a solution together, maybe him staying with a pal a few nights a week. End result was he told me v nastily to go and f myself so i lashed out and hit him, he grabbed me by the throat. I then said he needed to leave but he really took his time. Our 8yr old caught the tail end of the conversation -me telling him to leave. He then told our son that I had hit him and was putting him out. As he was leaving he said'go and f yourself you really need it' with a real sneer on his face and he told me twice I was a piece of shit. So i'm left with a 8yr old who kicks me in the shins and tells me he hates me and runs out in his bare feet and a squealing toddler. Luckily they did not hear/see all that and I got my 8yr old to come back in. So I honestly was so mad I had hoped we would tell our son together calmly without any blame after Christmas. I have calmed him down and told him that things aren't good but we both love him and his dad will be back to see him soon. Anyway I know I should not have hit him but he was being so cruel and childish. Now it is really clear that we cannot stay under this roof together. He has no respect for me. I'm so stressed out.

Minmin - glad you've had a good weekend and have been eating :)

Happy - if the leaving the house thing doesnt work then thats an idea i will broach, the last time i said i didnt want him here with DC and to pick them up and go elsewhere or get someone else to pick them up for him he didn't see them for 6 weeks, although it's hard for me i have to put them first and if that means having to suffer him then thats what i'll have to do i cant risk their relationship

Maybee - glad you enjoyed your break away am just sorry that your weekend has ended this way
I agree with your sister you cannot live in the same house together, especially with the name calling and violence and that was very unfair of him to say that to your DS, not only does it hurt your relationship with your DS it also puts a lot on his shoulders, he certainly wasnt thinking about that when he said what he did he was only thinking of a way to hurt you, TWUNT!! i'm so for you
I may be wrong on this but i think it is him that needs to find somewhere else by law, i would contact a solicotor or citezens advice beurea (sp) first thing in the morning and get some legal advice, hope you can get some sleep tonight ((hugs))