All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

P.S. I will never tell him this - I'm not letting him take the credit for anything!

Big hugs Rom ,try and distance urself from the gossip as much as u can[i know its hard]just as a self preservation if nothing else .Thinking of you x

Someone just sent me an email wishing me luck on my fresh start .I think seeing it in black and white just makes it even more real.I shall brace myself for the familly xmas card announcement.I just feel conned by my husband,the man i trusted with all my heart ,til death us do part,whatever happened i thought we would make it ,work thru things,i think my 2010 comment Startin was i really didnt believe this time last year this set of revelations was ahead of me ,the lies ,the manipulation the years of disrespect and pisstaking .He has just made me question such a huge chunk of my life.
I am generally not bitter though i think i have got past the anger and i will only text him now once on a saturday re times for seeing kids on sunday,16yrs and thats it!
Who would have thought i would get to this place,i suppose it just going thru the chapters of seperation ,divorce and co parenting.I will never understand how he could put his kids emotional wellbeing at risk .All such a waste !

Hello everyone, Minmin glad to hear your social life is taking off get out there and enjoy it. I'm a really trusting positive person too and have often wondered where it has got me in my darker moments, but actually it will be what redeems us all when we have waded through the mire.
I agree with patience and that old saying be careful what you wish for. I come home from work pick up my 3 boys from childcare and just love to get back into my cosy messy house at night. They make me laugh so much, how anyone could jepordise living with them is beyond me! How anyone could even find the energy to cheat and sneak about baffles me more. My x has ended his fling/thing but I'm off anyway I prize my peace of mind v highly.
Rom I hope you feel stronger tomorrow it must be hellish that people at work know about your personal life. I have only told my boss and apprecite the fact that my work life provides a respite from all this.
Startingover I'm with you on the twuntish behaviour but hope I'll notice it next time round!

So glad 4u Kar...I have changed so much since my split it is unbelievable ,so empowering its like a 2nd chance to celebrate being YOU !!It truly is a gift once you start to see it in that way and unhook these blokes from your heart ,they grab on like ticks though ,but persevere on the parasite removal ,thats my advice

Patience I can really relate to your post. I believed marriage was for life and used to thank my lucky stars every night that our family unit was so good and had worked out so well in the end! Last Christmas the white one, we had such a fab time with new baby and other 2 boys. Two couples on our street split 2 months ago and we both agreed on how depressing it must be. When did everything come apart for you? It is such a waste and all so selfish as well. Although some day I'm sure we will travel on roads that we would never have reached in a dishonest relationship. Will go to bed now as I'm slurring my thoughts!
Take care everyone
x

I think my eyes were opened when i started to act towards my X with more self esteem,he truly didnt like it ,i didnt fall for his victim stuff and i set boundaries on unreasonable behaviour ,i think i could have signed the divorce there and then although i didnt know it at the time ,but when i stood up for myself he really didnt want to know.I didnt think i HAD to stand up for myself .i thought he would respect my wishes in the marriage and support me with 2 pre schoolers ,but then he likes his long lies LOL!What was I thinking

"Although some day I'm sure we will travel on roads that we would never have reached in a dishonest relationship"

That is what is keeping me going tbh.I think i am growing everyday to carry on a better journey .Someone threw a big rock in my path this year a huge boulder to change my life path,work,home ,family,threw it all up in the air as if to say "Try again Patience,there is something better out there 4u,you just have to have the guts to go find it"

Started reading a book called New Beginnings all about attracting what you want,letting go of the past and embracing the new.

Hi Romney et al. I'm still here, just lurking. Enjoying the marvellous view from the moral highground as the others in this sorry saga metaphorically tear each other limb from limb. I check in daily, sometimes several times. Sorry if this all sounds cryptic, but my word, I certainly believe in karma now. x

Maybee the timeline is a bit like this
Nov after a night out found some dodgy texts and he was def keeping secrets,said to me he was going to change everything[even went to one AA meeting but it wasnt for him] he had been so cruel to me .My response was what do you mean cruel ?[hopelessy niave wife emoticon]All went a bit bonkers by Dec toing and froing then boxing day it all kicked off and he left for good,total bonkersland bender ensued [i think i started posting here about Jan] ,went to alanon and found out we all had very similar stories gained some insight into detatchment,tried again for approx 24hrs at Easter ,then loads more lies and bullshit keeping me hooked in til i found out it was all lies and bullshit!Went to see SOL in July ,X wanted to try again didnt want divorce ,by that time i was zero tolerant on all unreasonable behaviour but what we had b4 was gone,he wasnt willing to work hard to regain the trust all too much effort he just wanted the remote control and his dinner in the oven LOL ,he didnt come home one night after about a week back together ,it has to be all his way no room for independence ,anyway then another bender then his friend suggests he needs a new woman,then he starts contacting 21yo and starts acting "yeah im moving on now ,why cant you just be happy?"I swear to fuck if it wasnt for this thread i think i would have thrown the towel in ,ladies.He broke my heart in every possible way ,takes zero responsibility,has tried to rewrite history on numerous occaisions but he doesnt know what is a lie and what is the truth anymore.All i know is i was stone cold sober throughout so i remember it a whole lot better than him ,i felt the pain,my senses werent numbed with drink.In amongst this i had to give up my job, too much travelling ,and move house due to the landlord selling up . Trying to find my new normal these days ,trying to get a bit of a routine and a bit of peace in my world ,

"Let nothing disturb you,nothing frighten you,all things are passing x"

LC so pleased you are ok, very cryptic!! Hope everything is looking up for you. How is Wallace?

Sounds like u made the right choice LC ,big hugs to you x

Wallace is a little bugger but I am totally besotted with him .

As for XP, OW and her H, I wouldn't know where to start. Let's just say that OW is apparently recovering from a boob job as I type this. WTF? Nothing against boob jobs (although not for me) but don't do it for a MAN. WTF?

Hi Patience, you are so wise. Hello to evryone else too.

Rom, it's early days for you so you're bound to still find it v hard & hearing rumours etc is going to make it much harder. Time is a great healer so just give yourself time & space to heal for now. On the bad days make sure you do plenty of nice things for yourself. ((Hugs))

Karmann, my xh did me a great favour too but it took me a long time to see it!

Patience, I know what you mean about the revelations & lies nearly shattering you etc. If I'd known what was ahead of me it would prob have killed me too but thankfully it was only revealed in drips so I had time to cope with each individual revelation. Sept 08 my world as I knew it crashed & it was a long long road to get to where I'm at today.

Maybee, I think you touched on something v important. If we had stayed with our x's or tried to struggle on I believe we'd have never really known true happiness. Life would have been a struggle & these men would never have come close to meeting our emotional needs as they were fundamentally emotionally immature & selfish. I think if we can come out the other side of this learning to love ourselves & be independant then we will be in a better place to live our lives well & hopefully attract more suitable partners if we so decide.

LC, glad to see you are still lurking. Hope you are managing to take care of yourself in the midst of all this. Seems strange that ow would go off to get a boob job after her H has just found out she was unfaithful .

For everyone struggling can I just say there were times I thought I'd die from the pain it was so bad. I also had days of despair & depression. I used counselling, books, friends, posting on here, praying, meditation & family sized portions of trifle to cope. It does get better & you will heal but you have to give yourself loads of time to feel the feelings & heal.

A boob job LC ? The timing does seem a bit weird unless this was something booked long ago. Glad you are ok and enjoying Wallace look forward to full postings soon

Patience its great you feel that this is the start of a new life for you and your dc , its been quite a year for us hasnt it !

Lots of brilliant posts - too much to comment on but I am loving reading it all.

I am feeling great lots to look forward to in the next few days especially ds birthday on monday.

Totally agree that I would have probably have lingered for years more in my marriage for various reasons so this nicer life is courtesy of him leaving. I do think what would have been nicer still would have been if he remained the person I spent the first 9 years with and we were still a family especially for my dcs sake.

Between now and 4th January there are several dates that stick in my mind as the worst of times was this period last year. It doesnt seem possible to feel so good a year on and even though I too have been very low and anxious many many times it has got sooo much better so take heart anyone who is feeling like they will never recover - you absolutely will

Waves to everyone

Fast post, just to echo Getting's thoughts and kind of what Starting and Patience have been saying. Life is so much better without these XHs, the men we knew are not in many instances what we want or need now - for me now, life is so much more straightforward without XH and I feel so free!

Serenity slightly hampered of course by meeting with solicitor today to discuss deal I hope to make with BE (Bald Eagle for the uninitiated) before he totally flies the nest to Bumpkinland.

Waves and hugs to all

Good morning lovely fellow dumplings, thank you all for your welcome, your understanding and your kindness. I spent a large bit of last night reading back through this thread (haven't ventured to the previous one(s) yet, just to find out a little bit about my fellow travellers. I feel utterly horrified by what you have suffered and been put through by your loved ones. Its true that my heart has been broken, but there was no cheating or abuse, only a lack of self-awareness on his part and over-trusting on mine. Thank you also for the book recommendations - particularly the one on co-dependency. Not that I feel it describes me with my XP, but it ticks a huge amount of boxes in describing the relationship between him and his XW. Naturally, I have told him this, but its their problem to solve now.

I have decided to give up my independence in return for re-building some financial stability. So I am moving back to my parents home in order to clear debts (left over from LTR which finished 4 years ago). Its large and there is space for me to live with relative detachment, whilst not kidding myself that its the same as having my own space. My intention in doing this is to give myself more options for potential career change or further study/re-training. So, I, too will be looking forward to a new me in 2011 like Patience.

Minmin I hope that your property settlement discussion went well. Excellent advice from Citydoll, to follow and please don't make the mistake I did which was to sign everything over to my LTR-ex due to guilt and emotional meltdown. romney how awful having to continue to work with your X and the OW. I know there's no reason why you should be the one to leave, but would it be possible? To everyone else (because my brain has run dry on recall), I wish you a strong, positive day.

Waves to all.........

Am wilting fast . Had to stay up half the night last night to get something done that had to be dropped off first thing this morn so am wrecked now! Saying that on way to drop off had to pass down memory lane so to speak regarding xh & I feel so so grateful to be single, alive & free . Roll on 2011..... Btw someone pointed out to me that my legal separation is due to be official on 11/1/11 so looked up the number meaning & it means new beginnings . Wishing everyone a lovely day.

Just thought i'd say i'm still here, have been lurking and reading lately but am feeling very down atm and seeing everyone being so strong i dont want to post when i dont feel strong enough to comment on anyone else

Can i please ask though if anyone has any tips on detatchment or a book they can recommend thanks everyone

That must be great to have such supportive parents midnight and a good financial position is bound to give you a boost.

Happy hope the meeting went well it will be nice to get some form of closure. Are you ok about BE departure ?

Sov isnt only posting when you are up like cleaning your house before the cleaner comes ? Sorry you are feeling low I remember after mostly being ok for the first 6 months I then crashed a bit. This is somewhere you offload when you need and support when you can. You have given lots of support and I am sure you will again in the future so dont be silly [looks sternly at sov]. Am guessing you are feeling in love and very affected by xh from your request ?

Well I had dealings with xh today and achieved my goal of ultra nice etc and even said say hello to your parents(hes taking dc there this weekend). Next step will be to do that face to face , have spoken to a couple of friends who say its time for me to man up and at least go to the front door when he picks up dc etc. As Starting said time to be a better co parent

Hello everyone,
Lots of v wise postings on here. I know that time is necessary to heal but my frame of mind is also that I did give x 12 yrs of my life and although some v good times were had time is short and I don't want to waste time feeling too blue. This is nowhere near as heartbreaking as our 1st break up 7 yrs ago. So i'm hoping to recover soon although that is probably beyond my control. Today I just had that feeling of 'I'm back' and it was not a bad feeling.

Sov I hope you feel stronger soon. There will be lots of ups and downs but you are on the right road. I love warriors of light by Paulo Coehlo.

Hi everyone,

I have had a terrible day. Last night trying to talk about property division sent my DH into a fit of rage again. I cannot even blink the wrong way without him screaming at me. It was awful. It frightens my son as he thinks his father will be violent. He has never struck me but he has said he finds it harder and harder to control the urge. Scarey. But it is not my intention to clean him out - what we have was made together and I am fair-minded. I managed to settle him down but during our discussion he nipped off a couple of times to check his phone. He is very secretive and I am sure he was looking to see if there were any texts from the OW. He still continues with EA even though he knows this is the reason why I am leaving the country. He states that it is 'norman' behaviour for someone going through mid life crisis/depression or whatever he is experiencing right now. I think he believes this because the doctor and his counsellor told him it was. I am not sure this is the right information to give to someone in this condition because my DH sees it as a licence to continue and for me to put up with it. I read some papers regarding EA and experts now believe them to be as damaging, if not more so, to marriages than a physical affair and thought counsellors should not be so relaxed about them.

Anyway, the removalists came today and packed up my things that I am taking. I have cried all day and still feel like a want to scream my lungs out in frustration. I look and feel terrible. This coming from someone who is supposed to be strong! The poor packers must have thought they have a mad woman who has been red-eyed all day! It is just so heartbreaking that my whole life has been turned upside down and that of my son also. He cried and is scared - I am having feelings of fear and insecurity as I have lived away from my home town for such a long time. I know life will be better it is just the wait until we leave.

My husband accused me of taking our son away and that I should have waited around to see what happened with him. Before that he said he would support me whatever decision I made. How can I stay around when my DH is texting another woman that he loves her? It is just too much for me to bear. I find everytime I see him it sets me back into a zone I rather not revisit and then it takes me days to recover.

I am going to have a soak in the bath and clear my head. Tomorrow is a new day - will go and do something nice.

Thanks for listening ladies - I hope everyone is o.k.

Sorry you're going through such an awful time Minmin, and for your h to say he's finding it harder and harder to control the urge to hit you. What a pathetic little man he must be, and a bully.

Sov,the book which really helped me get through the heartbreak in the begining is called "it's called BREAK UP because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. it's light and funny but rings so true. I really recommend it. It's very easy to pick up and put down.

Pink, I mean.