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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The next 12 hours

535 replies

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 12:24

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

OP posts:
Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 16:07

You people on here are amazing and your support us much appreciated. I am waiting for his call still and will play it by ear.

OP posts:
Xales · 11/11/2010 16:09

You kicked off before and he was defensive. He should have been bloody ashamed and apologetic to have even considered it if he cared how you felt. He didn't say OK I understand I won't meet her though did he? He put her before you.

Deep down you know he has. There is no fragile reconciliation.

He is doing what he wants.

Oh and you haven't upset the apple cart, he has deliberately tipped it over and then stamped the apples to mush.

I do appreciate how it is not easy for you, and I hope it all works out.

Where do you draw that line? There should never have been a line he has caused that you have to draw one.

Cretaceous · 11/11/2010 16:09

Please don't give him the opportunity to say he didn't get the text.

RitaLynn · 11/11/2010 16:09

Can you ask for a delivery receipt on the text? If so, you could retext him with something stronger (someone suggested something good above) and you'll know he got it (phone not off, or out of reception).

As it stands, you're waiting now for him to deign to reply to your text, yet again, playing the waiting game.

Xales · 11/11/2010 16:09

You kicked off before and he was defensive. He should have been bloody ashamed and apologetic to have even considered it if he cared how you felt. He didn't say OK I understand I won't meet her though did he? He put her before you.

Deep down you know he has. There is no fragile reconciliation.

He is doing what he wants.

Oh and you haven't upset the apple cart, he has deliberately tipped it over and then stamped the apples to mush.

I do appreciate how it is not easy for you, and I hope it all works out.

Where do you draw that line? There should never have been a line he has caused that you have to draw one.

Xales · 11/11/2010 16:10

Have to pop out for a few hours, I wish you all the best.

FanjolinaJolie · 11/11/2010 16:12

It's not the one single act of you being kind and accommodating and letting him go in the hope that he'll get it out of his system, he'll be so grateful to you and come skipping back you you, take his finger off the pause button and plug back into life.

(This won't actually happen btw)

It's the choice that he's made to prioritise this OW above you which is so dreadfully Sad and disrespectful and you going along with it all.

He. Is. Choosing. This.

He's making it happen all the while hurting you and knowing he's hurting you and still doing it.

FanjolinaJolie · 11/11/2010 16:14

And get ready for the drip drip drip of information because I guarantee that if it's been going on for three months it's gone further than EA.

Aussieng · 11/11/2010 16:15

Hallo - as someone said above, if he goes tonight you are going to resent it for a long time especially as you now realise from the reaction on here that you are entirely reasonable (in fact far too forgiving) in your own misgivings.

If OW knows that he intends to end it and has requested tonight, then the aim will undoubtedly be to make him see what he will be missing. Worst case is that she succeeeds and he does not end it but the "best case" is that she does not succeed but he comes home feeling all noble at throwing her over and that he is doing you a really great favour. NO NO NO - he is not and must not be allowed to feel that way.

And you do NOT deserve to be put through a night like this. If he wants to be kind to EVERYONE the kindest thing he can do is end it quick, end it clean and end it decisively.

Hope you are getting somewhere.

Baileysismyfriend · 11/11/2010 16:18

I hope you are ok, is there anyone that could be with you to take your mind off the waiting?

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 11/11/2010 16:18

Unfortunately, I think the damage may be mostly done. Because this man's image of himself as a person who is both nice and utterly fucking irresistible to women is the most important thing to him. He is testing the water, and the fact that he has the OP's 'permission' to see the OW means that he's going to carry on doing so with assorted bullshit excuses and emotional blackmail eg 'You're so strong, she's so vulnerable, she might kill herself if I don't go and hold her hand' etc. And I would think there is a strong chance of him doing the same thing again with other women - basically, some people are simply ot monogamous and if you are in a relationship with one of these people, you either come to terms with the fact that they are going to have other partners - and sort out what rules you need to be in place about this - or you walk. Because there is no magic button that will turn such a person into a totally monogamous partner.

FakePlasticTrees · 11/11/2010 16:18

Can you get a babysitter for this evening? I'd suggest if he insists he has to meet her face to face to dump her (or claims it's too late to cancel/can't get hold of her) say you will be sat at another table across the room. He's got 15 minutes to do dump her, or you'll walk over and dump her for him, and that won't be quiet and won't be pretty. Then afterwards you to can go elsewhere for a drink/dinner and talk about how he intends to try to fix things and what you can do as a couple to get back on track.

forevervacuuming · 11/11/2010 16:21

"of course he wants to meet her but he promises me tonight will be the last of it."

Yeah, he'll be promising you that when she calls him saying she just needs to tell him something she forgot, or to meet him one last time to return something of his he forgot.

It'll either be that or her coming back like a bad penny in the future proposing they go for a drink "for old times' sake".

And he'll say "just once won't hurt", because it won't hurt him until you make it.

Don't wait for his call (or is that beck and call?!) - do something.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 11/11/2010 16:21

I don't think I could go there, I wouldn't want to see them together, or for her to see me upset. She doesn't deserve any attention from you of any sort, it should be all about you and your (D)H now.

Apologies if this has been asked already, but how did the EA actually come to light? Did he confess to anything, or did you find out??

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 16:22

I like fakes idea and I will text again.

OP posts:
RitaLynn · 11/11/2010 16:23

Ask for a delivery receipt if you are texting again

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 16:24

He admitted to it, she'd pushed for more and it was then he realised what he was risking.

OP posts:
AntonDuBurk · 11/11/2010 16:24

How long since the last text? Nearly 1 1/2 hours I think.

Time to get angry Halloqueen. (Long overdue anger IMO)

FakePlasticTrees · 11/11/2010 16:26

Actually, even if he agrees not to meet her tonight, can you get someone else to look after the DCs this evening? It might be an idea to be able to talk without distractions.

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 16:29

We are supposed to be going out tomorrow night to really start afresh and put everything behind us. Just so uneasy it's awful will probably phone anyway if I dont hear from him soon.

OP posts:
FanjolinaJolie · 11/11/2010 16:29

He admitted to it because you suspected and called him on it?

Or did he confess unprompted?

perfumedlife · 11/11/2010 16:31

Halloqueen, it's really very simple.

If you stand back and allow tonight to go ahead, your marriage is dead. Why? Because what little respect he currently has will have just strolled out the building.

God our parents must have done a rum job raising us if this is the self respect level in 21st century Britain.

If he goes, your marriage is over, mark my words. If you want this so called nice man, stand up for yourself.

wornoutbutstillwonderful · 11/11/2010 16:31

I'm sorry to say this but I think you know he is being a t**t. Unfortunately I found myself ina similar situation as yourself 3 years ago now I discovered a affair. The minute my dh saw my face and just how much he had hurt me he broke all contact immediately letting me have his phone. She wanted to meet up, he called her in front of me and told her he had been stupid etc etc she told him he was an arse for doing it over the phone he told her if she wanted to think that to make herself feel better that was fine but there was no way he was meeting her keeping her number as he had realised how close to losing me he had been and that scared him more. Ow guessed I was there and preseumed I was pulling his strings and so contacted him a couple of days later he told me straight away and then immediatly got a new mobile number. I f your dh was truly sorry and repentant he would not be doing any meeting up.

Gonesouth · 11/11/2010 16:37

My heart is breaking for you - especially when I read that you are planning to go out tomorrow to start afresh.

Lovely as it sounds, it is not realistic and its as though he expects to press 'play' again and get back to his marriage again.

I think your own unease about this whole situation should be sending you big red flag warnings that starting afresh is never going to happen until the mistakes he has made have been thoroughly understood and thrashed out.

Moving forward is only an option when you are completely sure that he is 'free' again and understands what he has done to you and your three children.

Be strong for them and keep taking strength from this thread. You sound such a lovely person. Don't let him walk all over you.

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 16:39

Just called me back. He's not meeting her. He understands how unfair it was of him and doesn't want to cause any more hurt.

OP posts: