The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

Im almost speechless !

Id text saying hes not to meet her , and if he does to not bother coming back. End of.

I can see why youve been leniant , many of us have for the same reasons , but really , he is taking the piss .I would not be convinced that this was anywhere near being over . Next he,ll be telling you there going to stay freinds , or that shes upset and needs to talk and there just going to meet for a coffee occasionally ect.

You have every right to say No , to put some firm boundaries in place . If he insists on going meeting her id tell him to move in with her then , and id mean it. How awful of him to behave like this .

Make it clear that if he continues hell be living in a shit flat eating microwave meals for one in his underpants each night , and also point out that your an attractive woman and wouldnt have too much objection to having a bit of fun yourself.
Time to get tough i think.

Practice some of the things you are going to say

Like

Do you think I'm a mug?

You don't get to go on a date with her with me sat at home wondering when you'll be back

I don't care how she feels

I don't care what you say. If you meet her, you will be coming home just to pick your bags up.

No - you can't go just quickly to see her to explain you have to come home. Call, cancel, delete her number. This is an affair. If you're ending it, end it. Or lose me and the children.

Does anyone else have a worrying feeling that this noble human being that is OP's husband may not get this text? Or be far too busy to call back?

Halloqueen, I agree. We are here to help you practice. Will do you good to "say" some of these things I think. Think of us as metaphorical cats to kick cushions to punch. We can take it.

Absolutely, what you do now is key, as it sets a precedent for how you deal with this kind of issue in future. (and I hope to God you never have to again.) If you let him off gently, what the hell is to stop him giving into temptation again? You don't want to live like that, surely.

You will not drive him away by being firm, and if you do, he is not worth having anyway. Really, he isn't. Don't think I've ever seen such a unanimous reaction on here, my blood is honestly boiling on your behalf.

I'll start with asking if he still intends to meet her and then is he aware how that thought makes me feel. If he says it's hard on him too which I think he will then I'll say so why drag it out, you've told her it's done, whats left to talk about? Other than I'm pretty sure she intends to say things like why can't we be friends and are you sure this is what you want...I'm driving myself insane aren't i.

Argh, practise

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but I think you should be much more firm with him. He is in the wrong and he should be doing anything and everything that will make things better for you - not him!

If I was you and I let him meet with her it would always come up in arguments why he felt he had to, this all won't end today.

I have just happened upon this discussion now but wanted to add my opinion to the others. TELL him he is not going to meet her, don't ask him if he is going to or ask him not to. He can text or email her the information he wants to impart. You are letting HIS world view be the way you see things. (I did that for a long time with my XH, I know all about it). Just because he says things are a certain way, or should be a certain way, does not mean they are or should be.

Of course he still intends to meet her.

YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM YOUR BLESSING TO DO SO

If you are serious about not wanting him to go don't ask, TELL HIM.

If he says how hard it is say YOU DON'T CARE. Just like he didn't care for you when he started this.

Yes you are driving yourself insane. If's but's and why's. Stop them.

Say no.

If he says he is going, there is your answer he has already chosen her over you.

Baileys is right. Don't ask. Tell. Clearly he thinks this is a good thing to do - because he wants to do it. You need to put your foot down. He won't help you do that.

Still waiting

That is what scares you isn't it /-:

If you say no and he says I am going anyway then you know that he has chosen her over you.

At least this way you still have him around and think you can work on getting back to a relationship with him.

/hugs

Have you done it yet? By "it" I don't mean beating around the bush; I mean telling him him not to go otherwise that's it.

So whilst you're waiting, practise the bit where you are going to tell him not to go...

Supportive

"He is too nice a person to just 'dump' someone harshly and only I seem to see she's playing on that to get one last bit of attention from him, get one over on me for the last time."

She is not 'doing this to you' or 'getting one over on you.' He is. It's him. He's not a puppet, he's a grown man with a mind, a partner and three kids and he owes her nothing. She won't be giving you a thought, she owes you nothing and she wants your man. And you're sending him off to her for 'one last drink'. He must be thinking, bloody hell how did I manage to get away with if? 'Nice people' don't behave like this.

Would you treat him that way?

What he owes you is respect, understanding and to show how he is willing to make reparations to your relationship.

Because it is damaged, it is unequal and is this seriously how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Just text hims something along the lines of...

"Been thinking about it and it's time for you to put me first, not you or her. You go to her tonight knowing how I feel, then come home to door locked and clothes outside, your choice now her or me no 2nd chances".

That's about a text length isn't it?

Also, he's married, he doesn't get to have girlfriends he can "dump".

He really really does not to moan to you about how hard it is on him.

Have you asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed? If it was some tasty male model you'd met at the school gate, and you'd been meeting up for romantic lunches while he was at work?

Xales...yes. When he initially said he had to see her once more to tell her properly how he felt about me I kicked off saying he'd already told her, what was there left to say?? He was immediately defensive and I realised the fragility of our reconciliation. Feel like it all balances on me 'allowing' him this one last meeting. of course he wants to meet her but he promises me tonight will be the last of it. Do I live through it and draw a line under it when he gets in or do I risk upsetting the whole apple cart? It's not easy although I know you all are unanimous with your view.

He is not a nice man. Nice men don't fuck about with their wives' emotions.

He must not go and meet her. End of.

It might also be an idea to start giving Halloqueen strategies for when he does go and say bye to this woman and then comes home all aren't I the good one here?

I am going to disagree. But I appreciate I am a minority of the sum of ONE here.

OP, you have been amazing. Your dh is very lucky to have you.

I think it is too late now, to tell him he cannot meet this woman. You have, effectively, given him an amazing get out of jail card in 'agreeing' to let him go.

He had a choice with this card: to see how close to burning his own bollocks he came and to decide not to meet her.

But he apparently has chosen to go ahead and meet her.

If I were you I would text nothing to him. Let him go.

Then let him find himself locked out of the house when he returns.

I would perhaps pin a simple not onto the front door telling him that you had hoped so much he would realise that he has hurt you beyond compare in putting this OWs needs before your own, and that you will be filing for divorce next week. Ask him nicely to find somewhere else to stay.

And then follow through. ((big hugs)

I have never commented on a relationship thread, often don't feel qualified to offer opinions on such complex situations, but unable to contain my anger on behalf of OP.

If he calls you please take on board the very good advice you have been given here and TELL HIM not to meet this woman ever again.

As previously said, no good can come from it and I feel it sets an appauling starting point for the reconciliation you seek.

LISTEN to what these people are telling you. If he is making these demands when he should be apologising, you know where you are in the pecking order already, last.

This is not a marriage, it's only a matter of time before he leaves your for her or someone else as he will keep doing it, now with your blessing

Nip it in the bud now, if you think he'll chose her, he would have done anyway you are just getting it over quicker.

Agree with emmyloulou. Text, then ring him to confirm he has received the text. Don't let him say he didn't get it. You must be strong. Your relationship will be more fragile if he goes. And what sort of a relationship is it if he knows you are upset, but goes anyway.