The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

He is actually threatening you, put up or he walks. The bastard.

So would I. If he leaves, the ow will stop being the stuff of fantasy, and his reality will start to set it., what he is losing.

None of this was in your marriage vows, none. He is making a mockery of the lovely, easy, content life you had. Keeping in touch with her is more important to him than his marriage. That has to stop, now.

Oh also if he packs his bags and goes.

Yes he is going straight to her.

He already is.

She is already more important than you and the children.

He does it today if you tell him to go or he does it in a few weeks.

A few really fucking miserable weeks where you bend over backwards doing everything, being the lovely superwife, not complaining or causing problems (because that may work) and he despises you.

Sorry but not suprised I think we could all see it coming, easy to say when you have clarity of mind out of the situation.

Now is hte time to get real life help today and ask him to leave now, not tomorrow, now.

He is calling the shots, don't elt him destroy you and have you hanging on a string.

He. is. a. fucking. bastard.

Tell everyone.

*elbows to front of cock-kicking queue

i'm so sorry for you now, Halloqueen. This man sounds like a selfish prat. You deserve SO much better. So do your children.

He's after a cake and eat it situation. I'd give him cake. On a plate. Outside with a big dollop of 'fuck off' on the top!

Absoluteley Perfumed.
Let them have a good dose of each other , without all this excitement and drama . Often its the excitement and drama thats exciting , not the other person.

She wont be so glam when shes taking a big smelly dump , or when shes got morning breath or bad farts.

And he wont be so glam when hes skint , stressed about finances or has a couple of kids hanging off him.

I think the only thing to do now is retain some dignity and let him go.

damn seem to be adding messages.

if you tell him to go it is not YOU chosing to end your relationship. He has already done that, you are just confirming his fuckwittery.

I second emmyloulou Telling everyone makes this real, which you dont want, I understand that. But you must. He still thinks this is a little thing between you, an argument over friends, or at least, he is pretending that so he can keep doing it. But make it real, it will soon hit home to him how serious this is, what he is choosing to do.

I would open the bathroom door (no amount of bathing will cleanse his consciene) and tell him to get out now. Its the only way.

Hallo you need to start making plans now. You need to tell him to go. Please don't be a martyr to this man for a moment longer, he clears has no shred of respect for you or his children.

You need to grow some (sorry hateful expression) and make sure he knows you are calling the shots now.

He needs to go Halo. What a fucking prick

You're so right Dignified. It loses its appeal when its day to day stuff. She cannot compete, you have his children, you have his memories. She is just a woman, a woman who has little conscience about being with him. She will not stay so wonderful, reality will bite. But only if you take action.

I said it on page one, he is playing you like a violin. Smash this in to touch Hallo.

Hallo, just remember you have done nothing wrong, nothing at all.

Keep repeating that to yourself.

You can't have an emotional affair and then hang on to both the friendship and your marriage. You just can't. And he's telling you loud and clear that he intends to hang on to the friendship at all costs. You are an intelligent woman; you can work out for yourself what this says about his attitude to the marriage.

Halloqueen

It's very admirable being non-confrontational and being able to discuss things without arguing. However, perhaps your calmness means your DH doesn't realise how much he has hurt you? If I had an affair (which I would never do) and told my husband, I would be devastated if he was as calm and reasonable as you - I would think he didn't really care, or perhaps, as in your dh's case, think that it was no big deal.

If someone has had an affair and then decides to end it and recommit to their partner, they should be focusing on the pain they have caused and doing everything within their power to make the betrayed party feel loved, wanted and secure. Not selfishly wallowing in their own feelings.

It defies belief that he thought it reasonable to have one last meeting; and that you were prepared to go along with this. His only concern should be how you feel - not whether or not he 'owes' the ow one last chance to say goodbye. You need to stand up for yourself and stop burying your head in the sand. The fact that he thinks his behaviour is acceptable does not make it so. Think about it - he is prepared to leave his wife to stew while he has one last meeting with someone he has no business seeing at all. Doesn't that tell you something about his misguided priorities?

Oh no. and He absolutely has to go. He is putting you through hell.

Listen to Xales, she is totally right. Nothing you do at this point will stop this happening, the absolute best thing you can do is bring it to a head by getting him out now. I went the miserable few weeks of trying to be a stepford wife route, and really wish I hadn't wasted my energy. Thankfully I then got a grip and got shot of him, and my circumstances at the time were far from easy, like yours. I coped, and you will too.

Lean on your friends and family, and know you have so much support on here. I bet any one of us would be round in a flash if we could do anything.

How are you Hallo? Do you have a family member or friend who could come round to support you, or just to amuse the kids?

We would thatsnotmyfruitshoot. I am in Glasgow if its any help. I would happily come round, tell him whats happening and take care of you and the children.

What a selfish, deluded bastard.

I'm in Guildford if it's of any help....

He is being a jackass.

He wants so bad for you to be a bad guy so he can run off with his whorebitch and justify it. That is what men in his situation always do. You could find a cure for cancer tomorrow and he would come up with a reason as to why that makes you a bad person.

I hate to say this but you aren't going to win right now. Just continue to be dignified Sending you hugs. I can't imagine what you are going through. I'd love to phone that nasty skankho of his and tell her to be a decent person and fuck off because there are children involved.

i'm in northants, but willing to travel

Yes this has gone far enough now, you are being mistreated. He is married, end of...
Give him an ultimatum, you (and the kids) or her. He is cruel. As for the ow...jays....what a pair they make !

Hallowqueen you need to get a friend or some family in to support you.

How can you not be crying? Have you cried at all over any of this?

I think if it was me I would give him an ultimatum now to choose between you and her with part of the deal being that if he chooses you he breaks all contact (and proves that he has). Also that he tells you everything you want to know and shows you anything you want to see (texts, phone bills, emails, work emails, internet history etc).

Please cry if you want to, is there somebody that can come and help with the children? Even if it's just the older ones if you are Bfeeding.

You deserve better than this. This is not your fault it's his. Has he shown any remorse at all?

"he has done all the giving"

Yes we know he's been doing the giving, it's who he's been giving it to that's the problem!

He needs a serious reality check. You need, in no uncertain terms, to tell him how far in the wrong he is.

Ask him if he expects you to be grateful he has left his mistress. Ask him how he would feel if you had a bit on the side and then sulked when he had the temerity to ask that he stopped