The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

Hallo, hope you are ok this morning. Have you managed to talk to your dp at all?

How are you feeling this morning Hallowqueen ?
I hope you got some sleep.
I hope you and DH are going to resolve (or start to) some issues today.
Really feeling for you at this stage .
Best of luck, you sound like a lovely person. X

Hi all have only just had chance to read thru the posts today (baby teething) I was a bit put off by the troll comment as I'd had such good support and advice yesterday and really want to thank people for sharing thoughts/experience.
I decided to give him his space and go to bed last night. Before i did i told him i was worried he seemed so quiet and he told me everything was fine, nothing had changed and to not worry. He's still in bed this morning. I think hes finding this harder in practise than in theory. I also notice he still has security code on phone. I'm hoping now he's at home for a few days we'll be able to get past this. Thanx again all x

It's OK to have a security code on the phone basic security precaution, really but I've always known what DH's security code is.

Please do update us today Hallowqueen, we are here for you. Hope you are okay x

Hallo I don't know how you can be so calm, I would need scraping off the ceiling by now.

This time off is to spend talking and trying to see if you can be a proper family again. For that to happen he must open up and discuss this with you. Security lock on the phone is rubbing salt in a wound. I would expect total transparancy from him from here on in.

Really willing this on for you, limbo is hell.

He is still in bed wallowing in his own self pity for a situation he created, not spending time with you as a family, which you were so looking forward too.

What exactly is he doing to make this up to you, show you it's over, explain what hapeened, etc, etc.

What exactly is he doing for you as for him he is acting like a self indulgent spoilt brat.

Can you not tell some one in RL and get them to come around to have the kids so you force him to talk. He owes you an explanantion and talking, talking, talking at the least.

Do not be afraid to bring RL help into this if you need it and if he is not comfotable with that, well it's tough really.

When you come out of your shocked state you will be very angry about this. He is, very much, in the wrong here.
He needs to start msking it up to you in order for you to forgive him.
No sympathy for him please, he is way out of line !
What's he doing in bed when you were up at night with the baby ?
please be strong !
Get ANGRY !

Scrap my earlier comment about requiring transparancy, I would have thrown him out yesterday when he told me he was meeting her one last time.

This is beyond a joke.

Emmyloulou says everything I wanted to say.

This isn't about him. It's about you (plural and singular).

Take care Hallo

I will update If possible might be a bit infrequent with him at home though. Yes teething baby isn't fun, haven't slept too well tbh. He came up at 5am. It's normal day off behaviour but I had hoped we could use it more productively. You are all great on here btw. I'm not a naturally pushy person so it's good to have a bit of back up if only virtually x

I think your youngest is about the same age as mine. I only have one other. I'm exhausted much of the time without all the emotional turmoil you are going through.

My DH would also do the bed late/lie in all morning given half the chance. I have no qualms about kicking him into touch though (not usually literally )

Sounds to me like you need to find your voice a bit generally about what you need your DH to do to help you.

Don't feel that you owe us the updates, but I do think that you will get a lot out of using MN to support you and help you articulate what you need. (Some RL support would be a very good idea too IMO)

This isn't any normal day off though is it?

He has been having an affair and so far has done the some total of nothing to save his family.

He seems like he is really bothered dosen't he, lounging in bed all day, telling you to leave him alone, ignoring his kids.

This is not the actions of a misguided nice man.

You need to get angry with him, and tell him to pack a bag and go today and not to darken your door unless he is 100% committed to repairing the damgage he has done. Give him a deadline of 7 days away then tell him where to go.

I wouldn't worry about struggling without him, does not sound to me like he does anything any way.

glad to see you back hallo and that you were not put off

you need to find your strength now; do not put up with this behaviour from him any longer; do not indulge him; he needs to learn to respect you and in order for that to happen you need to get tough.

you are the mother of his children
you work bloody hard all day (and night at the moment by the sounds of it)
tell him to get his finger out of his arse and grow up

this is not all about him

Hi Halloqueen.

This comment from him is not good: "Before i did i told him i was worried he seemed so quiet and he told me everything was fine, nothing had changed and to not worry."

He is acting like it is his role to reassure you that you are still lucky enough to have him ("nothing had changed"). In fact it is him who should be worried about still having you. Do you understand what I mean?

You need to shift the balance of power in this situation. He thinks that you are desperate to keep hold of him and will thus allow/forgive him anything (dates with woman, refusing to talk, lie-ins, neglect of parenting duties, continued communication with woman). He is acting like the injured party because his mean wife has had the temerity to a) be married to him and b) not be prepared to share him with someone else.

It is YOU who are the injured party. YOU should be in bed with the baby while he brings you tea and biscuits and tries to scrape together an excuse for his pathetic behaviour.

The only way to shift him out of his current comfortable torpor is to let him know in definite terms that it is not ok for him to be lolling around feeling sorry for himself. To tell him that you are seriously considering the future of your relationship (whether you are confident about coping on your own or not). To tell him that he needs to talk to you if there is any chance of a future. You can say outright that it is YOU who has the right to be upset, angry, betrayed, not him.

Can I add another voice (and pointy shoe) to all the people suggesting you kick him very hard?

He's not acting like a husband who has made a massive fuck-up, realised before the point of no return and is thanking his lucky starts his wife is so forgiving.He's acting like a teenager whose mum has made him break up with his unsuitable girlfriend. Is that really the dynamic you want in your marriage?

Bollocks did she want to meet up to convince him that he should still be friends with her, she waned to meet up with him so they could have a great shag so he would keep seeing her too.

I need to echo everyone else here that you NEED to get angry. He needs to regain your trust, I would suggest a good way to do that uld be to ask him to give you his phone, and his passcode right now so you can look through his texts (look in the sent box and the call list - the sent box being empty is a bad sign). He should be begging you to trust him and if there is nothing to hide, he should be thrilled to have such an easy opportunity to prove he is genuine. If he refuses to hand you the phone on the spot (half an hour later when he's cleared all the messages off doesn't count) then either he isn't remotely serious in trying to regain your trust and doesn't respect you enough to think he needs to bother, or he's hiding something.

He seems like he is really bothered dosen't he, lounging in bed all day, telling you to leave him alone, ignoring his kids.

This is not the actions of a misguided nice man.

well said emmy

look at his ACTIONS now Hallo it is not about what he tells you anymore but what he DOES to back it all up

The girls are right Hallo. This is a fundamental respect issue. He is showing you and the family none at the moment, and not for a while since he has been having his 'emotional' affair.

The more you take this, the worse it will get. He already respects you less for buying his bullshit about meeting her yesterday. When he first mooted the date, you should have kicked his sorry ass out, then he may have kept a modicum of respect. As it is, he is keeping you on hold, dithering about in bed acting like the wounded party and you dont even figure on his 'to do' list.

Demand he gets up and hands you his phone, with the security key. What did he text to him say lastnight? Did he have his phone in the long bath last night?

Perhaps you could talk to a friend in the RW who knows you both ! Convide in her/him and get advice.
I only told 2 friends about my DH's behaviour and they were an enormous help. I am glad I didn't tell lots of people because I know they would judge, have lots of different opinions and watch us constantly for signs of more problems.

I agree Dandy, but we don't actually know Hallow and her husband, perhaps confrontation is just not her way (sorry talking about you in the third person Hallow !)We have already posted 100's of 'Get angry, make him talk' posts and it's not happening. So perhaps a different approach is needed with advice from someone she knows in the RW.