The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

I know what you're saying Lolass but the op is doing things her way at the moment and nothing is being done, said or resolved. We are suggesting action because there is none.

Some things are fundamental. Respect is an absolute neccessity in a relationship, no way round it. There is a total laok of respect here for op, and it is irrelevant what their usual dynamic is, without respect they will no longer have a relationship, certainly not one worth having.

My opinion of course.

I totally agree, that's why I am suggesting she gets some help from a friend who knows both of them and their background and who may spur her on.
Hallow, you are letting him away with it, please TAKE ACTION !

hallo - sorry I know i am going on and on here

you remind me a little of me about 5/6 months ago. I too thought my h was an honourable man - the type to be kind to all - you said this is just like him - when everyone questioned why he was meeting ow face to face - this reminded me of how my h used to be or at least how i viewed him.

i hate confrontation and usually like to talk things through

but now i look back i really really wish i had got tough when i had the chance, i relied on my h's better nature and it was a very big mistake; his better nature was clouded by the ow you see; when they are in the grips of an affair they are not thinking straight.

you don't need to shout and scream in order to get your point across.

you can clearly state that as much as you love him you will not have yourself (and your children) treated in this way.

short sharp and to the point is what is needed - all with your "I will not take your bullshit" face on

That's it perfume.

How I see it, is he has no repsect at all for hallo, if he did the suggestion of meeting OW yesterday would not have even entered his head or utterd out of his mouth.

The mere fact he suggested it shows a fatal flaw in it all, I also do beleive that by op being so understanding, she is indulging him.

He has got away pretty scott free hasn't he, he has a wife who is scared to push him in case he leaves. Op seems to be more frightened of being alone than of being taken for a ride, he knows this.

He is being so utterly disrespectful unless things change dramatically this is the beginning of the end. He won't stay with her if he does not respect her, he will do this again or carry on.

She needs to get angry and make a firm stand once and for all, or see this dithering carry on forever. Being nice is getting her and her marriage no where fast.

He was on the Internet etc but to be fair to him he does his fair share of child care etc and did try to settle baby a few times last night but as I am bfing it's almost impossible for anyone to settle her but me. You are right about me not being a confrontational person but also right that his actions should be backing up his words. Our closest family and friends are aware of the situation but I honestly don't want to involve them further if possible. Tbh I thought it was all done and dusted and I only had last evening to cope with before we drew a line and began to move forward. I was so relieved when he said the meeting wasn't going to happen I suppose I had high hopes for the rest of the night and didn't really factor in the might be a bit moody about it as we'd had a really good, upbeat family orientated week til then.

You don't have to be a confrontational person. You need to be someone who fights for her family - don't forget that it's his kids as well who are missing out when he's off with the other woman, or when he's in bed sulking, or secretly texting.

Other than that I'm just going to repeat what I said earlier.

"The only way to shift him out of his current comfortable torpor is to let him know in definite terms that it is not ok for him to be lolling around feeling sorry for himself. To tell him that you are seriously considering the future of your relationship (whether you are confident about coping on your own or not). To tell him that he needs to talk to you if there is any chance of a future. You can say outright that it is YOU who has the right to be upset, angry, betrayed, not him"

How do you feel, reading all our posts?

I think you're stuck in crisis management mode, you just want everything to look and feel normal, even if it's far from being normal. That's understandable, especially with a small baby, but it isn't going to help strengthen your marriage in the long term.

To get through this, it has to get a little bit worse before it gets better. That's going to mean a lot of honesty, talking and redefining your relationship boundaries over coming days and weeks. Opting out, as your H seems to be doing, isn't an option. At the very least, he needs to completely cease contact with OW immediately. A final text asking her never to contact him again followed by deletion of all texts, and her details.

I think you are going to need some good RL support to get through this. Can you confide in a friend or family member? Would strongly recommend counselling too.

WTF? He's in bed still and refuses to discuss anything?

thatsnotmyfruitshott says it all far better than me, but he needs to be doing some serious grovelling and keeping the lines of communication fully open, not wallowing in his own self-pity.

Thinking of you OP. I wish you luck over the coming months. Having watched and experienced the devastation of my own father's EA 3.5 years ago, I know you have a rocky road ahead.

I'm going to ask him if he's sent such a text seeing as it seems to me he hasn't. I'm going to say I need to see him do it. The thing is I know we can discuss this rationally, it's something we've always been good at (no shouting matches) it's just a case of him getting up and stopping avoiding the issue which is what I feel he's doing at the moment.

Sorry - I am catching up with e whole tread (on page 4)

But I have on question:

If he has already ended it with her - and agreed to cut all contact - how did she invite him for a final drink? Psychic connection?

Cutting all contact would mean blocking / ignoring emails and texts surely....

Sorry if it's been asked already.

I'm sad for you going through this though.

Hallo,

You seem like an exceptionally nice and reasonable person. Your husband, on the other hand, seems to be playing some bizarre game.

OK, he had an EA (or maybe full affair) with someone he met at work. These things happen and you are sensible enough to realise that a mistake should not destroy a decent marriage.

But why on earth did he need to tell you? Let alone drop salacious details of the fact that she was a model and they wanted one last meeting? Any decent guy would have had the last meeting in private, told her family come first and just called it a day. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it and even elicit sympathy from you.

Contrary to some others here, I would tell him that it is over and you have no desire to discuss it further. If he wants to choose his family, it has to be a positive choice and moping not allowed. You can't sh*t on someone and then expect them to help you clear it up.

Everything DandyLioness said...

Is he still in bed? .

He isn't showing that he is sorry he has hurt you and wants to try and make it up to you and your children. He is sulking because you have stopped his fun .

....and everything that larrygrylls said....

I wonder if he is waiting for the OP to apologise/let him carry on with the affair? Freezing her out until she can't stand it any longer? :(

He is sulking. He was all upbeat all week becuase he had his little plaything to look forward too at the end of the week and you ruined it.

I have to agree that he is NOT acting like someone who realises he has made a monumental fuck-up.

Still in bed !!! Come on !!! My DH likes to stay in bed at the weekend but after about 10:am the 5 year old gets sent in !!!!!!!

I agree with a PP about the phone. Ask to see it. What would he say ? I bet he has it with him doesnt he ! In bed my arse. I bet he is texting or emailing.

Im so sorry ((())))))

I don't understand the seeing the phone bit?

You cannot treat someone like a child because they have had an affair. Either it is a deal breaker or it is not. If it is, then split up. If not (as the OP has indicated), how will seeing the phone help?
And will finding out details help anyone move on? It certainly wouldn't for me. If you make him send a particular text and he wants to continue the affair, he can meet her in person at work or buy another phone. There is always a way. A relationship has to be based on trust and, unfortunately, if it is to continue, it still has to be based on trust, even if that trust has just been stretched to the limit.

In any event, I don't think this is really about the bit on the side. It is a kind of prima donna (or the male equivalent) act for the benefit of his wife. It is saying "look at me, I can still pull a model but I am such a good guy I am choosing you and our family".

So the response is just to let him know he is lucky to have her and the family and he had better bloody appreciate them as she has options too.

Hallo just like other posters I was thinking of you and your situation last night and logged in this morning to see what had happened, and to be honest I was starting to get angry with you - sorry for being harsh! You seem to be assuming that the OW is pushing this but from what I've read (and experienced) you should certainly not make that assumption without proof. I too was inclined to think that it was the OW that cancelled yesterday, and wondered also if he had taken his phone into the bathroom with him. I just cannot believe he comes home runs a nice long bath, tells you he needs space, is on the internet at 5am and then stays in bed this morning while you have young dc, i'm sorry but OW or not I would not stand for that. You said earlier in your posts that your marriage had always been 'easy' and 'effortless' that is not always a good thing - all relationships require effort. Perhaps he is trying to force a reaction from you? just one of many thoughts. Firstly I would definitely demand to see his phone, I would not take it for granted that it is finished, in fact I dont think it is at all and perhaps it is OW wanting to finish it (she may be a perfectly reasonable woman and not want to hurt you) I personally would be having a chat with her to get her side at this stage. I wouldnt worry either about pushing him away if he is gone already it makes no difference. At the moment you are allowing him to behave like this and if you continue he will have absolutely no respect for you wether the OW is in the picture or not. The OW will certainly have no respect for you and will no doubt start to think of you as being stupid. You really need to think about how you want your relationship to be going forward - is this how you want to be treated? You state several times that he is a good and honourable man - he certainly is not behaving like one. As for an emotional affair - tbh I think it has gone beyond that. You still haven't said how you found out about it in the first place. Please put your view of his personality aside for a moment and look at the facts as they are today with regard to his behaviour. I don't mean to be harsh, but as the saying goes "if you make yourself a doormat people will walk on you". Good luck

Hallow, the way he is behaving today shouldn't be his 'normal' day off behavior even before he has had an affair! You have a young family, when is he spending time with you? He is selfish. Sounds to me like you are the giver and he just takes.

He should be doing everything in his power to get his marriage back on track. Just because he has ended the affair doesn't mean you can just draw a line under it, you both have a massive recovery process to go through.

I don't understand why you are pussy-footing around him so much, why has he got such a hold over you?

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, I know how hard it is to see the man you loved criticised on here (I have been there). He is really getting away with his infidelity and unless he faces up to the consequences and takes responsibility for his actions you will never get over this and whats more, he will probably do it again.

Please, please make him talk. Get his selfish arse out of bed - he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness.

I don't usually post on these kind of threads as I don't have any experience. but this is ridiculous and I'm forced to agree with everyone else. He is currently indulging his personal mourning for the loss of a relationship and not fighting for the relationship he has with you. You keep saying you're both good at talking, but apparently, that's only if he feels like it. He's clearly also very good at sulking. I would be going in there right now and saying, "Either you're up and dressed and downstairs talking to me over coffee in 20 minutes, or you should leave and not come back. YOU said you were committed to us so for pete's sake, start to show me that and stop acting like a spoiled child." Then go downstairs and make coffee.

Also, I hope you have checked the internet history to see what he was up to at 5am??

I think there is more going on than he has told you.

The same as anotherpointofview I think he had his phone in the bath with him and was in contact with her.

It is either more than just an emotional affair and she is threatening him, she has given him an ultimatum to leave you, or he does want to leave you (but doesn't want to lose his family and creature comforts) so wants you to push him so it is 'your fault'.

Even if it is all just because he feels crap he sure needs to get the fuck over himself and be better to you.

I have a horrible feeling there is more to come in this situation though.

Ok - I've caught up now.

Hallo - you sound amazing - it's a shame he hasn't yet realised this.

I think you need to explain just exactly what you want from him now.

That should probably include

1. Proof that he has ended it with her - ie seeing texts or emails. If he cannot show you this - ask him to write a final text outlining that he didn't want to meet her for a drink because his priority right now is you and his family and that he is insisting that no further contact be made.

2)Him taking steps to ensure no further contact be mad - blocking emails - contacting phone company asking for her number to be blocked (is this possible if he states harassment?)

3)Absolute openness - no locked phones. sharing email passwords etc.

4. Acknowledgement that what he has done has been extremely hurtful and that you need him to show how committed to you he is and how remorseful he is also.

None of these things are unreasonable to ask of him given how he has broken your trust.

It will be possible to fix things, but he needs to put in the effort - laying in bad is not going to help.

I would be concerned that he seems to be 'mourning' her though....

Be strong - for yourself, your future together and your DC's future relationships. If they see confident happy parents in a healthy balanced relationship then this may well influence their choices later on. What is happening now is none of those things though.

Good luck.