Non communication

[temponame]

If your husband refuses to communicate with you, you have been honest in a not too emotional way but he is constantly defensive, refuses to admit to any feelings or discuss anything about the relationship whatsoever, and then you discover he has gone through your joint email account and deleted every single email between you (home and work) which relate to the contentious issues (money, children etc), would it be reasonable or unreasonble to suspect an affair? Would it be reasonable to ask someone to go on living with non communication from a husband indefinitely?

Why would deleting emails between yourselves indicate an afair?
Some people find it harder to talk emotions than others. If communication is an issue in your relationship, you need to work at it, and if he won't or can't, then tbh I still wouldn't jump to the conclusion of an affair. Is there anything else that has made you suspicious?

I dont know but if someone can come up with a good reason then I would be very open to suggestions!

No nothing to make me suspicious just a constant living alone in a vacuum and anxiety in the pit of my stomach. But maybe that is just me.

Do you find it hard to trust him because you are never too sure if he is telling you the truth or just what is easier?

why are money and children contentious issues? what is the big deal here?
what are teh children issues?
what are the money issues?

in a nutshell

Had second baby 6 months ago. Its been a rocky road. harder than first baby.

I have been spooked by his non communication. I have sent him emails saying if he wants out that is ok and I will try to find a way to live and give him 100% access to the children if he wants it as he wishes.

He has arranged the joint incomes so he has 70% of the income and I will have 30% of the family income when I return to work. He has left it so i pay 100% of the childcare costs which will leave me with about £50 to myself each month.
However so far as I am aware he puts every single penny he has into savings accounts nad does not really spend any money on himself however I have not snooped through he bank statements to check this

It is his birthday today. We had an email disagreement when I said I wanted to get him a birthday present but it might have to be out of "borrowed" account money till i return to work and can repay that money from my earnings (to the extent I have any excess over the childcare costs)
He sent me an email saying he didnt want a present from me "because I have so little money" and that he wanted a toblerone for his birthday.

I replied "ok if that is what you want"

I now see he has deleted that and other emails. In the total void and silence and thinking that was quite an innnocent email but he has deleted it

Am i seeing shadows which dont exist?

The money situation alone would be a deal breaker for me
Stop communicating via email. That seems deeply unhealthy imo, you should make time for each other to talk face to face

Yes
But what if he refuses to spend money on a babysitter or discuss anything face to face when the children are in bed at night?
I feel shaky
I don't know whether I am going mad or there is something unreasonable going on
I have sent him an email to his work saying I need to talk to him, i think he is ignoring it. I tried his phone just twice since sending it (but not since because he is busy at work). First time his phone rang out. Second time the auto voice said he was on the phone which indicates he is at his desk. He doesnt like talking in the evenings. I dont know what to do

He probably deleted all those emails because he was angry about them and didn't want to see them anymore. I relate to this situation. Is virtually all the communication you have with him via email and text? Sounds familiar. Communication can end up like this when there is an ongoing problem and, (okay emails/texts could be part of two people's busy lives together for keeping in touch?), those two people are reduced to only being able to communicate like this rather than in person, and one party just does not want to either get into an argument and so takes the approach that they don't want to talk to avoid any dealing with issues, or they are naturally not very communicative/quiet, or they are being unkind. Just my experience - I have had all three but alot of the being unkind.

And I have felt I was going mad because of treating me like this.

I hope this is not the case in your situation, though.

Thanks cindy
How do I know if it is the "being unkind"

Yes I feel like I am the crazy paranoid woman. There is a lot of history (divorce and subsequent bitching about the current significant other of his dad) in his childhood which means he quite often says women are a bit mad. I am just waiting for him to say that about me. Or is that just me seeing shadows again.
He is not replying to my email. He is at work so fair enough but he wont communicate about anything significant when he gets home either. Fair enough, it is his birthday. I cannot rely on the guilt trip of me trying to make his birthday nice as enough to prise out of him an honest discussion

Why has 'he' arranged the income so that you have no money? That is not at all reasonable and why isn't it a joint decision? Did you agree to any of this or was it an executive decision? Not knowing where the money has gone is also not reasonable - why do you think he wants to do this?

Is his non-communication a new thing or has he always been like this?

Sorry for all the questions!

I think that the deleting emails is a red herring really. The absolute control over your money and the refusal to speak to you are far more worrying. You are not going mad and there is something unreasonable going on.

Cindy why would he be angry about the fact that I have no money.

Does me saying to him the way we have arranged our money means I cannot buy you a proper birthday present constitute enough for him to be angry
I feel like I mustn't take any of his money incase he turns round at any moment and says right im off with X and i have to bring the babies up myself.

Why are the children/money contentious issues?

I have conducted whole 'conversations' (if that is what you want to describe them as I only would get ever a few words back) via email or text. I don't want to do this anymore and sometimes get sucked into it. But, I know that this isn't proper communication between two people, especially if you live with each other and see each other every day. I have decided it wasn't 'real-life' enough for me. A relationship conducted by email/text with no face to face talking. It has made me very stressed in the past.

Re. the emails - maybe he is feeling angry about things and has deleted them for that reason.

you need

• your own email account (because you are a separate individual, with your own identity should be able to have your own conversations with own friends)

• a joint bank account (because marriage, espcially with children and one of you a SAHP, is a joint financial enterprise, and money should be shared)..

The suspicious part of me thinks he's deleting those emails so you have no proof that's he's been unreasonable should you split.

Malinkey thanks. On the one hand I think we are spooking each other. I am on defensive mode because of his non communication. I am trying to work out how I could survive on just my salary when i go back to work. On the money front if he isreally being honest and putting all of his money into savings accounts for family purposes etc that is fine with me and I am genuinely happy to have it that way. He has offered me access to a joint account whilst I have been on maternity leave but something inside stops me taking any money out of it incase he legs it. He has offered a few times. On the birthday front I hoped he would say "lets go out for my birthday, and then he would pay knowing I cannot at the moment but not making a big thing out of it. Instead he just sent me an email saying dont buy me a present because you have so little money. And then deleted that email.

thanks stubborn. I am not a SAHM. I am shortly to return to work and all bar about £100 per calender month of my salary will go on childcare.
He pays the mortgage which is about the same as the childcare bill but he earns 70% of the household income and I earn 30%. Assuming he puts the excess above the mortgage payment into savings for our family that is fine. If he doesnt then it is not fine but i dont know which it is and he wont talk about it

But it all seems to be his decision. Why do you have to survive on so little money when you have money in savings? Why is he hoarding it all when you need it now?

I'm not sure what you mean by worrying that he will leg it if you take money out of the joint account - why do you think this?

Oh, and the childcare enables you both to work not just you.

Not that he will leg it if I withdraw money. Just that he will leg it generally and then I will owe him money I have borrowed from the joint account whilst I have been on maternity leave

Angry - not to do with money obviously - angry to do with how you are getting on and, just my experience, just doesn't want to have to face any arguments and doesn't want to email.

I don't think the money arrangement is fair.

Has he always been uncommunicative or is it a recent thing? The lack of communication I experienced included the purposeful withholding of information from my H, nearly drove me mad/paranoid..........It used to keep me feeling permanently 'unsettled' and wondering 'what's happening/what's going on'.

I would back off today from the emailing. If you are not getting a reply, it will just make you more and more frustrated, and if he doesn't want to reply, then he wont.