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Original poster

Non communication

175 replies

temponame · 11/11/2010 11:37

If your husband refuses to communicate with you, you have been honest in a not too emotional way but he is constantly defensive, refuses to admit to any feelings or discuss anything about the relationship whatsoever, and then you discover he has gone through your joint email account and deleted every single email between you (home and work) which relate to the contentious issues (money, children etc), would it be reasonable or unreasonble to suspect an affair? Would it be reasonable to ask someone to go on living with non communication from a husband indefinitely?

OP posts:
Original poster
temponame · 11/11/2010 12:46

Is this below email to his work about the fact that he has ignored my emails this morning (emails sent to work are totally inappropriate I know but no other way to communication) overly emotional, crazy, unreasonable or anything else. Views appreciated
----
You haven't replied to this email below.
I can't tell whether this is because you are in urgent work meetings which mean you can't reply and will be in urgent work meetings all day today and won't be able to reply by email or whether you don't want to reply.
Your phone was ringing out and now it is on voicemail. (I won't try to phone you at work again)
I cannot email you, speak to you on the phone or discuss anything in person in the evenings or at weekends.
If I try to talk to you, you walk off in anger.
I know I made mistakes but because you won't talk to me I feel totally trapped by this non communication.

------

OP posts:
malinkey · 11/11/2010 12:46

What? I would have a think about why you're so worried that he's going to leave you - is this something he's threatened?

And if you spend money from the joint account you won't owe him anything if he does leg it.

I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye. I don't think it would be my first thought that someone was going to leave me if I spent our money - unless they had led me to believe that's what would happen.

GypsyMoth · 11/11/2010 12:48

look if he wont talk to you and communicate properly then i would snoop!!!

you cant go on like this!!!you need to know whats up....

cindystill · 11/11/2010 12:49

He is being unreasonable if he doesn't discuss money with you and you want to confirm arrangements with him. I hope he treats you like an equal partner generally.

QuintessentialShadows · 11/11/2010 12:50

I am sorry, but I dont get this "my money", and "his money" attitude he seem to instigating. You are a married couple with children, and you are on maternity leave. Why should you be without money, and he have savings, just because you are on maternity leave?

There seem to many things festering in your relationship.
Money
You feel he will up and leave you and the kids His refusal to communicate
His refusal to talk to you about the savings
Him ridding himself of proof of his own unreasonable behaviour

Is there anything good in your relationship?

Original poster
temponame · 11/11/2010 12:50

Malinkey he doesnt spend any money on anything and i mean anything at all apart from food shopping for our children. I cannot with any conscience get my hair done or buy clothes because he does not (so far as I know)
Or is this a problem I have with spending money. I just dont know any more

OP posts:
malinkey · 11/11/2010 12:51

Sorry, I cross-posted before.

I wouldn't send that email if I were you. If he doesn't respond again you'll just be left feeling frustrated.

Maybe wait and say you want to have a conversation about it and it can't wait. And if he refuses then write it all down in a letter and tell him exactly how you feel. And think about what you will do if he then refuses to discuss anything after that.

QuintessentialShadows · 11/11/2010 12:52

You seem extremely frustrated from that email.

Can you start going to relate on your own in an attempt to work out what is happening with your husband and your marriage?

Original poster
temponame · 11/11/2010 12:53

what is good is that i love him. i don't have a great role model in my parents. i am not blaming them but i struggle a bit with what is reasonable, what someone with normal self esteem would do and what is not normal. Unfortunately his lack of communication seems to exacerbate this. I feel I am resorting to desperate measures and am resisting the "silence or refusal to reply equals guilt" assumption

OP posts:
cindystill · 11/11/2010 12:54

Sorry - I meant the 'purposeful withholding of information by my H' which made me paranoid (done unkindly by him) basically.

Original poster
temponame · 11/11/2010 12:54

I also sent him an email saying I very very much appreciated everything he does for our family, the diy, garden, cars things around the house etc and that I am indebted to him. He has also deleted and removed from trash that one from our joint emails

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/11/2010 12:54

op.....i think you need to take hold of this situation and dig deeper.....you have tried to get some response from him.

ronshar · 11/11/2010 12:54

To be honest if I thought my dh was going to leave then I would be taking money out of the joint account and saving it up somewhere else?

I would stop sending messages to him at work. He is at work after all. Wait until he gets home and talk to him about it. If he wont engage then you perhaps need to have a serious think about whether you want this relationship to continue.

I am in sort of the same situation but not with the money issue. We have joint account and I am sahm so I use that money for food shopping and things for the children. Dh is rubbish at talking about stuff and he is so defensive when I do try!

So hard to live with. I am not sure which way to go.

QuintessentialShadows · 11/11/2010 12:58

How do you actually know he has deleted everything in his work account, when you are at home, and he is in work?

Thinking about it, if you are emailing him in work, he may actually be really pissed off, as employers, and the it department, can snoop on the emails of employees. Any correspondence to a work email is usually regarded the property of the company, and most companies keep a copy of any email sent on out of house server arrays.

cestlavielife · 11/11/2010 12:59

look he is at work. dont email him. wait til he gets home and try and make an arrangemen to set a time to talk.

" how I could survive on just my salary " do you mean now as H and w or if you leave him?

why dont you have acess to the joint account?

if is joint equally he or you could take money out.

what mistakes do you think you have made?

why are you indebted to him for doing normal stuff?
he should be equally indebted to you for looking after the dc.

can you go talk to someone, a counsellor, chat with womens aid about this financial control...

Original poster
temponame · 11/11/2010 13:01

it is his birthday. i have previously said to him that after a stressful day at work I will not initiate heart-to-hearts as I know he does not want that he wants to relax due to long hours at work etc (he has said to me angrily in the past "i work 60 hour weeks you know")
I am not going to try to have a conversation with him tonight.

If I do send him emails to his work they are always entitled "not urgent". today I sent one entitled "urgent" please let me know when today might be convenient for me to phone you (about 2 hours ago). He has not replied. I am stuffed

OP posts:
cindystill · 11/11/2010 13:04

temponame - your email could have been written by me. I sent loads of them. It didn't usually get me a response - which made me more and more frustrated. In fact, I have sent loads of emails like that over the years. I would back off from emailing today.

If he refuses to communicate long term it will adversely affect your self-esteem anyway from being in a non-communicative relationship with one person refusing to cooperate - (different if it was a happy, content situation and two people don't need to communicate verbally constantly).

malinkey · 11/11/2010 13:04

I think that talking to him when he's at work isn't the answer. Can you try and talk to him at the weekend?

cindystill · 11/11/2010 13:06

And I have also had the mentality myself that I should be indebted all the time to him - but it does not work the other way round.

Original poster
temponame · 11/11/2010 13:07

You are right
It is totally inappropriate to email or speakt to him at work. I will not do that again.

OP posts:
cindystill · 11/11/2010 13:14

And, anyway, your intentions were good. You wanted to make his birthday nice.

I agree emailing him any further when he is at work is pointless. Will he co-operate with having a talk when you both have more time then.

Original poster
temponame · 11/11/2010 13:22

Cindy
We dont have more time. I look after the two babies. He joins in at the weekend with looking after the two babies although I am never sure whether he wants time off. I have told him before I am happy to do anything to find a pragmatic and practical way to make things work between us whether that is me taking the babies out at weekends so he gets a break, to us downsizing the house so he can downsize his work (if that is stressful and he feels trapped etc). Frankly anything to make things better. To which I get silence.
The "I work 60 hours a week" statement (angry) was in response to me asking him casually if he had any preferences for the weekend / spending time with the little ones. I dont know whether to take them out to get them out the house or just wait for him to make a suggestion as to what he wants to do with them. There is major history of his mum accusing the other woman in his dad's life (her ex husband) of being bossy. So I want DH to tell me what he wants to do with the little ones (if anything) or if nothing I will take them out at weekends and do things with them. The response is either anger or nothing.

Sometimes I think I am over thinking this whole thing. If I could just get on with doing what i want to do (ignoring the fact that I have no money) it would all be fine. But I do want him to be part of it, acknowledging that he cannot think about it much because he is at work. If i suggest things he sometimes behaves like I am being bossy. It is all impossible

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 11/11/2010 13:22

You want to work on your marriage. He does not want to talk to you. So it is only natural that you try the only outlet you have. Email. Which he does not respond to.

I am sure somebody will come along soon and clarify why his behaviour is emotional abuse. Sad

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 11/11/2010 13:23

OMG, this is madness. You can't carry on a relationship with your husband via email. There sounds to be a really strange and unhealthy power dynamic in your relationship. Does he actually threaten to leave you or are you presuming he might?

It's really not unreasonable for you to use the joint account for clothes, and having your hair done. You both need to sit down and set a fair budget which enables you both to have a reasonable standard of living.

I think you need some counselling to try and work out how you can raise your self esteem and expectations of a relationship.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 11/11/2010 13:25

I'm referring to the situation as being "madness", btw, not your behaviour. It must be desperately frustrating if he won't communicate in any other way. I do really feel for you.