Non communication

[temponame]

If your husband refuses to communicate with you, you have been honest in a not too emotional way but he is constantly defensive, refuses to admit to any feelings or discuss anything about the relationship whatsoever, and then you discover he has gone through your joint email account and deleted every single email between you (home and work) which relate to the contentious issues (money, children etc), would it be reasonable or unreasonble to suspect an affair? Would it be reasonable to ask someone to go on living with non communication from a husband indefinitely?

I would make myself a new account to send all remaining e-mails to before deleting them from the old account.

That's not necessarily the best advice, but it's what I would do. If he wants a clean sheet, he can certainly have one.

I would then make a get out plan.

When said "stand up" to him temponame , I meant just by wanting to talk when he doesn't or daring to spend some money on yourself, you will in effect be standing up to him.

This relationship is not your responsibility alone you know.

I think he's deleted your emails to show you how little you opinion/wants/needs matter.

I don't think he's having an affair...just punishing you for some unknown slight.

this is a man who is up to no good
a?

sorry if you have already said
op....when did all this odd behaviour actually start,the thread is getting long now!

Briar your first sentence is extremely perceptive and probably right. The question is does he actually admire his mother for having an affair (i.e getting the upper hand) even tho he frequently says women are cheaters and deceivers.
There is no way I want to cheat on him even if i could. I think he knows that, at the moment I have no time away from the babies and wont do when I go back to work, cost of childcare which I am paying means no free time. I want to get my hair highlighted so I at least look attractive again and I hope he does not find this threatening (if i start to look attractive again, my weight is now lower than it was when we had our first baby, I have always been slim but the anxitey has put me at the very low end of the BMI index). He did not find it threatening (that I was attractive) when we were courting (so to speak), but now maybe my inability to look in any way foxy is reassuring to him. Or again maybe I am seeing shadows which arent there. Sex life is very dormant at the moment due to child night waking although a few times he has indicated that he would like so to speak.

Tempo, do you have RL support? Can you talk to your Health Visitor about what is going on?

Your husband is being a complete and utter shit. Not communicating with you is abusive, threatening, controlling and ultimately will destroy your self esteem even further.

You are a wonderful mother, you have two lovely children. They don't deserve to be growing up in such a hostile and painful environment.

You don't love your H. You are afraid of him and distrust him and scared witless of your furutre by the sounds of it. This isn't love.

You need to tell somebody in RL what is going on.

Non communication is not a marriage and not loving or kind. It's cruel.

Are you english/british whatever? Is there some cultural clash going on? Where do you live?

He sounds bloody horrible and frankly you and your dc would be better off without him.

Unlikely i understand your post
Sadly I think it might actually be (assuming he is not having an affair and as I say I just don't know about that one) that he does not know how to talk about what is going on between us or how to be honest about how he feels.

And I dont know how to solve that one. I think I might have inflamed the situation somehow as a result of the stress of the babies etc but a lot of it is due to his parents divorce. And i dont know how to solve that one. Worse I am totally isolated from my own family. White british, made the mistake of thinking being passive and trusting in a relationship might see me through all this

Why do you think that YOU have inflamed the situation by you AND HIM having children together?

Why are you isolated from your family?
Am I right in thinking that is HIS doing?

temponame "he frequently says women are cheaters and deceivers."

I have nothing much to add, but thought you needed to see this quote again.

IMO he does not admire his Mother quite the reverse.

He will not want you to look attractive or be an individual...he will do everything to prevent this happening...hence the money situation.

Go out there, go to the hairdresser, get those highlights, and get yourself a new work wardrobe!

How do you think he will react to that?

Briar, actually before I had baby 2 he has given me vouchers for hairdressers which I just need to use. YOu are right in a way in that it is the opportunity to do it which is preventing me but he has given me the means before baby 2 to get this done. I am just un nerved by the email deletions and i dont know whether there is something afoot. He absolutely knows I am not leaving him for someone else like his mum did, i wear an old sweatshirt of his most days. However I have in the past said I would go if the stress of paying for a family home is too much or if he is having an affair (in which case I have asked for honesty). to which silence.
Quint yes I need to just get my hair done (now booked for 18 nov when both babies are in nursery) and sort out my clothes. i wish that would solve everything else but maybe not

"deleted every single email between you (home and work) which relate to the contentious issues (money, children etc)..."

Your DH deleted your joint discussion emails.

Which to me means his anger/frustration is to do with your joint discussions...nothing to do with an OW.

When you have time, it maybe worth reviewing your posts temponame you really do come across as doing everything possible, whatever your own feelings, to keep your DH in 'peaceful' mode.

Thanks Briar it is useful to have an objective view.

If I were you I'd get a copy of the book listed further back in this thread, just in case I felt like reading it at a later date.

I hope it all works out for you temponame.

Temp , it is not due to his parents divorce , he isnt five . Loads of us have had shit stuff happen , we dont behave like this. You need to stop excusing this with his parents divorce , hes a grown up and hes responsible for his own behaviour .

You probably spend a lot of time focusing on him , what he thinks , what he might say , even down to how he might feel if you get your hair highlighted. Most people wouldnt think twice about this.

You also say that he does not know how to talk about things , of course he does , he talks perfectly well to people at work.You are sadly caught up in a power game with him , you want something from him ( communication ) and he witholds it , making himself feel powerfull and big in the process . You lose every time and are made to feel worthless .

Its quite possible that if you wanted more affection / help with the kids / him do to more round the house he would withold that as well . People like this need to be in control all the time .

Have you thought about the effects of this on your dcs ? Whats he like with them ?

I suggest you read up on these well known tactics , stonewalling , denying , minimizing ect. Why are you isolated from your family , and why do you wear his old sweatshirt ?

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/08/from-why-does-he-do-that-inside-minds.html

Dignified.spot on.my experience.

Cindy , sadly mine too.

Been reading the heartless bitches link. It is very good. It's a pity it takes so long to work out what is going on. And you keep trying to rationalise the behaviour. Or, you find out by going into counselling in the end and are still trying to get your head round it. But, better knowing.

Cindy , it was only through coming on here that i realised what was happening , it was very difficult to accept that this behaviour was deliberate on his part , and that his motivation was to control me and hurt me .

I actually remember posting that i almost wished i didnt know . It was somehow easier to beleive that i was the problem , than that my husband was deliberateley abusing me and getting pleasure from it .

He was a master at gaslighting , and when i read about it , and recognised it i was absoluteley furious. All those times he would twist things , or accuse me of saying something i hadnt , i would often end up in tears through frustration at defending myself or trying to explain .

And it was all deliberate , 100 per cent , done on purpose. Very very hard to accept .

I always thought I was the problem too dignified....first through my Father then through two boyfriend relationships.

I was very well 'conditioned' to think that control = love.

It was talking to some older and wiser women that made me realise what exactly an equal relationship should be like.

Thanks for the further emails. I guess the problem is that I don't know whether if i just come out with it and say I think we should pay 50 - 50 childcare he will refuse or say "but I pay the mortgage" even tho he earns 70% i earn 30% of the income. He might say "fine" but I sense it will be reluctant for whatever reason (his childhood or other reasons, for example that i hvae not apprecitaed how hard he has been working whilst I have been on maternity leave). I feel nervous about asking him. Last night he offered me some (non sexual) affection which is unusual and has suggested he takes a day off work so we can go christmas shopping and have lunch, he knows he will have to pay, he also suggested once 6 month baby moves into his own room and we get more of an opportunity for sex he thinks things will sort themselves out - this confuses me, at moments I think ok he wants our relationship to heal and at other times I just feel vulnerable.

I think he volunteered these things because I felt totally like the stuffing has been kicked out of me last night and might have looked a bit tired notwithstanding the card/present opening for his birthday etc. The problem is I just dont think i have the skills to come out and ask for a 50-50 relationship as he just walks off if anything he doesnt want to talk about is raised.

Oh, and can anyone recommend a website which lists basic financial information about his income which I need to get if i needed to show this to a family law solicitor. I think I can get a copy of his p60 but not sure about all of the savings accounts he has. dont really want it to be like this but if i was able to have the pay 5050 for childcare conversation and he just refuses outright or say "arrange it anyway you like" or (the other thing he sometimes says) "go ahead you are going to do it anyway" etc i need a plan b. i am scared if i have a conversation and it ends badly i will then find other things squirreled away etc

Thanks Justthisone that is very helpful and i appreciate you being on line early

A couple of months ago I set out in typed form all of my pro rata pay (4 days per week) and how much childcare would be. I also pay council tax and npower every month. He pays mortgage and basically all other bills. He also pays a reduced lease rate for a car which I need to get to work (I pay petrol). The typed summary made it clear I would have just a hundred or so spare after childcare. He was also going to pay a childcare voucher which would reduce my childcare costs. I was hoping for a frank discussion about money when I gave him this but he kind of said "ok" as if to say well i save all my money and i note the fact that you will have very little money to yourself. This made me nervous but (my error maybe) i didnt challenge it because I was feeling low for other reasons (my 6 month old son DH has never really bonded with and there was ongoing issues about "did you really want him" etc - notyet resolved although DH is making quite big efforts now to bond with 6 month old son). When childbenefit annoujncement was made i updated the typed summary and sent it to him saying basically i will be even shorter for cash. Again he said "noted". Now I dont even know how to broach the subject. There are other investments which have not been formally put in joint names so there is a bit of a job to write them all down. At some moments i think i am making a fuss over nothing and at other moments i feel the most massive nervousness that he is basically withholding significant things from the relatinoship to gain control - i just dont know

oh the childcare bill which he is suggesting i pay 100% of and the mortgage he pays are basically the same amount and this is the source of the problem