Non communication

[temponame]

If your husband refuses to communicate with you, you have been honest in a not too emotional way but he is constantly defensive, refuses to admit to any feelings or discuss anything about the relationship whatsoever, and then you discover he has gone through your joint email account and deleted every single email between you (home and work) which relate to the contentious issues (money, children etc), would it be reasonable or unreasonble to suspect an affair? Would it be reasonable to ask someone to go on living with non communication from a husband indefinitely?

So because his stepmother is bossy you are changing how you act in case you get labelled as being like her - is that right?

What does he do when he behaves like you're being bossy?

Posted too soon, sorry.

It sounds like he's really got you on the back foot. Can you do anything right?

I agree with cheeseandgherkins.

He's deleting evidence of how financially mean he's been (probably wary of lawyers.)

And getting rid of any proof that shows how much he earns, etc., to try and avoid supporting you and/or his children.

So sorry for you - grim. Sounds like you might be better off out of it.

tempo, I hope you are saving your sent folder.

He has never threatened to leave.
There is a lot of unfinished hurt about his parent's divorce. His mum left his dad for another man when he was about 11, that didn't work. Eventually his mum settled with a nice man but has refused to marry him ever since. His father is regarded by my DH as "weak". After his mum left his father his father had a heart attack which he survived. His father got together with woman A who was quite passive whom my DH hated. Woman A was dumped by DH's father around about the time of our wedding and Woman B was introduced. Woman B is quite bossy and is hated by DH's mum and is also hated by DH.

DH's mum will bitch about Woman B in our presence. DH loves his mum but also hates her for the infidelity with his dad.

DH's father is also very "passive" like my husband. He gets Woman B to set up all meetings with DH. Consequently Woman B gets reputation for being an interferring cow. Woman B has now removed herself from the equation.

DH also gets me to communicate with his father to set up meetings. Recently realising i was possibly setting myself up for a fall (DH's mum deciding I am also a bossy cow) I told DH I didn't want to email his father to set up meetings but would be very happy to get the little ones ready for meetings or get togethers at whereever DH has arranged directly with his dad. To which DH's response is....silence. He is probably angry with me, I just don't know.

I have also suggested that if husband wants to take our daughter to see his mum

Sorry about all that soap opera above but it is part of my nervousness. I don't know what to do about all of this (if anyone is still reading)

tempo, I hope you are saving your sent folder.

Can you actually go to the bank and ask to see a statement to the joint account so you can see how much money he has squirrelled away?

Mostly people start doing like he does when they are preparing to leave a relationship and set up a new home. I dont mean to scare you, but you are already thinking along those lines.

Does he really work so hard, or is he seeing somebody else?

Stop excusing his behaviour, his back story does not give him the right to treat you so badly.

Quintessential your last sentence is my question.
If the question is does he leave for work and return at the same time every day the answer is yes. He went to an overnight work conference last night but this is very rare. He phoned me after dinner. He sounded a bit drunk and like the conversation about the children was an effort but I decided that was fair enough, he rarely gets a night away and i have no evidence of foul play
He has set up his work ipod wiht my own mobile phone pin so he knows I can check his work emails that way. But now I realise he has deleted all of those emails in our own email account (and from the sent items) it all feels like more and more of a game to me (with me being the loser)

"But now I realise he has deleted all of those emails in our own email account "

Do you have your own email account?

Some people are able to conduct affairs during their working hours, in their lunch time, etc, some have online web based email accounts they use for their bit on the side, and some go to the extent of having a second mobile.
But, follow your gut instinct on this one.

So get smart here, set up your own email account, send him a long email from your usual account summarising everything that's been in past mails and then forward the lot on to your private account, (deleting the sent message straightaway.)

Start copying anything you can find relating to household accounts or finances and store it in a safe place - with friends or family.

Keep an eye on his work mails but don't let him know you're doing this.

Why do you love him, out of interest? What are his good points?

It is all about him isn't it? I agree with QS and think he is treating you really badly.

I would do some digging and see what you can find about his other bank accounts and how much money he has stashed away.

Tempo , sorry to say this but i dont think you have a problem with communication at all , i think you have a problem with a controlling emotionally abusive man.

Does he walk away when his boss is talking or one of his workmates ? Of course not , he saves it just for you , in private , where no one can see . You mention feeling shaky , unsure of yourself , paranoid ect .

These are all side effects of living in this sort of atmosphere , and its designed to keep you on edge , to keep you checking in on him , and it works doesnt it. Have a read of some of the older threads about emotional abuse , and search for stonewalling ect .What hes doing is typical , so typical in fact there are many books written about this sort of behaviour.

Your financial arrangement is very unfair , the fact he says he will " allow " you access reflects his attitude about finances .
Are you worried that if you dont make an apropriate amount of fuss for his birthday he,ll later put you on a guilt trip because you didnt make enough effort ?

For now , id stop trying to communicate with him , fuck him , he,ll be revelling in it , make no mistake . If you do stop trying to communicate with him fully expect him to turn on the nice guy act , in fact he might even start a few discussions about this himself , to draw you back in.

Start educating yourself about emotional abuse and the tactics hes using. Once you can see what hes doing and that its not about you things will look very differant.

Dont waste your weekends tiptoeing around him seeing what he wants to do , make plans to go out and see your freinds , and yes he,ll probably pull his face , but he will anyway , you just cant win.

oh god
i know you are right. now i feel shakey
i got him a birthday card which is a photo of our children but that is just not enough. now it just seems pathetic.

if he is not having an affair or preparing to leg it then he is sure putting me through it with the non communication. if it all comes out i think he will just accuse me of post natal depression. i have talked to the doctor about it (feeling down) and she does not seem to think i have it

At the same time I think you should keep a folder with important papers, such as marriage certificate, passports for you and the children, birth certificates, the bank statements you do have, etc, handy. Do set up your own web based email account, such as yahoo or hotmail (but dont let it connect you to facebook) and forward all emails you have sent there. Make a really unusual password that he wont guess. And clear your cache on the pc when you are done...

He sounds really ominous.

actually i think he has confrontations with his boss, he tells me about them.

he likes to be in control.
i think he will say he offered me money if confronted. there are emails saying i should spend up to £X (more than I will) whils on maternity leave with two kisses. he will produce those (now i realise he has been deleting i am sure he has also been saving relevant ones himself).
it is not really "allowing me access" it is more the total nobody spends anything thing. all that is spent really is food. he won't go anywhere at the weekends unless it is free. that is all fair enough but it makes me more anxious about not spending any money myself

But of course you are down, living the life you do, with this man.

What do you mean the card is not enough ?

Temp , dont buy into any of this whinging about his parents divorce , hes a grown up for christs sake , thousands of people go through this and while its not nice its not an excuse to be an arsehole . I guarentee you if he didnt whinge about the divorce theyd be something else , his dad ignored him , he got picked on as a kid bleat bleat bleat.

I meant to say , my ex deleted all emails and texts just before we seperated . However , hemade sure he kept any where i had perhaps got a bit cross . They do it because they know theyre behaving badly and they dont want any evidence of that lying around.

If you think he will accuse you of post natal depression what does that say about him? I'm not surprised you've been feeling down - it sounds like you're in a horrible situation.

Your DH regards his father as 'weak' due to his mother having an affair, so won't communicate with his Father except via any female who is willing to take on the 'go between role', thereby, allowing this female to be labelled bossy etc.

I think the non communication is you being punished for what his Mother did to his Father ie spoilt your DH's view of his Father as a 'hero'.

I also think because of this he has some sort of mind set that he will not be controlled or answerable to a woman. Hence the money control and non discussions taking place.

The only thing I can suggest is counselling for your DH but fear this will go down like a lead balloon.

The more you stand up to him the more I think he will withdraw.

Oh love, anyone would be down in this situation. What does he do to make you happy? He won't talk to you, won't allow any money to be spent on things for you and the family.

It is horribly controlling behaviour. If you can, get hold of a book by Lundy Bancroft called "why does he do that?" I bet you'd recognise your H in the descriptions in the book.

Why does he make me happy. I don't know, of course it is not my prince charming but i love him. i have 2 babies with him, one 2 one 6 months. god that sounds pathetic. my dad also treated my mum like shit and left her responsible for all 4 of us (emotionally and financially) for most of our upbringing. they are still together, i really struggle to communicate with my mum because i am scared i will be like her and now hate to think i am.
I don't want to "stand up" to him. I want to get things back on track.

Sadly even if he is having an affair I am not sure what kind of woman out there might stick this kind of thing for long (assuming he treats her in a similar way to how things are going between us which I guess he might not) But maybe i am wrong.

He chose you well. You came preconditioned.

Oh poor you.

Please please go to your GP and ask to be referred for some counselling. You deserve infinitely better than this, even if you can't quite believe it now. You don't need to repeat the patterns in your childhood.

he has now left me a voicemail. says he has a conference call but will try me again in half an hour.
i realise it is totally inappropriate to talk to him about "why did you delete those emails" whilst he is at work.
my inclination is not to discuss it but to make his birthday tonight as happy as possible. but perhaps that is putting off the inevitable (whatever the inevitable is which I dont know)

How do you hope he will change? What do you think can instil a change in him?