The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past The Vineyard.

[Mouseface]

Welcome to the Bus!

I'm Mouse and you'll find me snuggled sat at the back where it's warmest!

If you're sober, drinking, or somewhere between the two, you are more than welcome on board.

No judging, no cliquey groups and no closed minds here, oh no! Chances are, no matter how bad you may be feeling right now, one of the Brave Babes will have been there too!

So, come say hi.

And, to read the last thread and other journeys so far, follow this link

Hi MA I've not shamed myself either but still drinking far to much.
Last night I decided to tell my DH that I hate him & don't see the point of being togeather anymore blah blah blah, it was very much the wine talking - I am such a deppresive drunk & I feel so sorry for myself.

We must try harder next week.

p.s I loved the facebook drunk test & did laugh when some one mentioned that it would be really helpfull on phones!!!

Happy Birthday Sleepfairy:):)

Thank you disire was a quiet one as littlelegs was to poorly for us to be able to go out.

The girls gave me some snuggly "me to you" pj's - probably look a bit odd, 34 & dressed like a tattty teddie bear but my god are they comfy!!

How are you doing disire?

Am doing ok SleepFairy, I love getting pj's for pressies:)
It was me who posted the facebook drunk test, thought it was hilarious:)

Ah that was you!! - god send I'd say, I think it should be mandatory on all laptops, mobiles & vehicles!!!!!

My DH would pay a fortune to have me tested before I am allowed to talk utter shit all evening

morning babes!!, really quick here, going to church then lunch at friends, see you later!!

today just decide

WE WILL NOT BE DRINKING!!!

there!, job done!!!

simples

morning
must get lunch in slow cooker, down to the Cenotaph for the ceremony then pick up dd2 and take her to singing lesson. Back to the ironing and then dd2 to auditions and rehearsals. Having a diva in the house has its drawbacks....hope she makes it into a West End star so she can keep me in acomfortable life in my old age.
today i will not be drinking.

I was going to go into hiding for a few days, but then realised that that isn't the point of this thread. So here I am.

Suffice to say I feel thoroughly ashamed, stressed and frightened.

Why am I doing this?

Morning to all - bacon and french toast here this morning - yum!

embracing, demented and any others - by all means lurk if that is what is best for you, but there is really no point in going into hiding. You might be able to hide from us, but you can't hide from yourself and how you've made yourself feel, so you might as well get it out on here and see whether the cathartic treatment helps, or whether a bit of support and encouragement from others in your position is what you need.

We were out yesterday afternoon and decided to pick up fish and chips on the way home (triggered by a fish and chip discussion that had me craving for them!). I was also desperate to pick up at bottle of wine, and the very good wine shop is 2 doors away from the chippie. I sat in the car gripping on to the steering wheel with both hands while dp got the fish. Once I got home and started to eat I was fine - genuinely had no further desire for anything else, but by God it was strong for those 5 minutes. Last year, I would have had no idea how to get over that craving and no concept of the feeling ever passing. I am so glad that I had nothing to drink, I had a lovely sleep and this morning I feel good.

embracing why are you doing this? perhaps because you have this illness that makes your brain crave a drink?

If you had a nut allergy, would you hate yourself you ate something that caused an allergic reaction? Probably not. You might tell yourself to be more careful next time and read the packet label more carefully, you might wonder whether 3 years of eating peanut butter sandwiches when you were a student contributed to your allergy, you might agonise over whether your dcs seeing you in full anaphylactic shock has traumatised them - but you probably wouldn't feel the sense of shame that you describe.

I know there are lots of debates about the extent to which alcoholism is a medical illness, but if (just for now) you imagine it as an illness, then be gentle on yourself. Yes feel pissed off that this has happened to you, but like developing an allergy or developing diabetes (as opposed to being born with them) it might just require sme new habits and changes in your lifestyle.

Good morning all.

Sobering day (excuse the pun). Thinking back to a holiday in France a few years ago, right in the heart of the WWI battle region. Saw so much stuff (battlefields, exhibitions, museums) that was heartbreaking. Went into a quarry pit/mine where thousands of soliders hid before going up over the top and there were grafetti pics on the wall that they'd drawn while they were waiting (memorably a lady with enormous boobs!) to meet their fate.

I am on day 15 today and am sleeping sometimes great and sometimes terrible. I hibernated on Friday and did not go out and I think that was just the right decision for me at the moment.

Hi Venus, seriously well done you for letting that craving pass outside the wine shop. I understand exactly what you're saying when you say that now you've ridden these cravings you understand them better and know they pass. What's really helping me is imagining the upheaval of drinking at the moment as it won't be the glass, it will be the bottle and then some more.

Demented and Embracing don't beat yourselves up! Lurking or posting, you're thinking about your drinking, which is a positive step in itself

Hello Desire, JWN and Sleepfairy, hope you are all having a good day today. How is the hair Desire? Did you go for it?

Have a peaceful day everyone
xx

Morning Threesteps, congrats on Day 15, got the hair done yesterday, not as red as I would have liked it, more traces of red in it than anything but got it chopped cut up short so it looks totally different which is what I wanted
Went for lunch yesterday with a friend and we shared a bottle of red, was really tempted to get another bottle on way home but resisted, memories of wobbling home drunk 2 weeks ago still sticking in head

Dichotomy and Snorbs posted this link, which I found very useful.

Not Dichotomy, Dialabolik. Hello to Diabolil, Headless, Thurso, et al.

Does it chime with anyone else?www.orange-papers.org/orange-addmonst.html

I like it forthe, it makes me think that I am not an addict, or mentally ill - I am just very, very human, with a very human brain

Me too. I can safely say I've probably used every one of those 'reasons' to have a drink after stopping for a while!

Hair sounds great Desire, you can always go redder later down the line if you're feeling brave? Well done you on not buying that extra bottle on the way home. I honestly don't think I could do that if I'd started drinking. I'd buy more and continue drinking until I passed out on the sofa

Morning Brave Babes.

Sleepfairy - where the hell were you last night at 2.15am, 3.40am and ever hour after??? BT is no excuse for not being around to settle Nemo!

BTW, what you will find on this thread is that if a poster doesn't post for a few days, it's noted but not always mentioned. If they vanish for a week, then it tends to be mentioned!

So you were missed! And Happy belated Birthday lovely. Glad Littlelegs is on the mend. xx

Embracing - Why are you stressed and frightened lovely? What is making you feel that way? Is it the thought of having to stop drinking? Failing to do so?

Keep posting. xx

Morning to everyone else. Busy day here! Will be on and off the bus but I just wanted to share last night with you all.

I had two glasses of Pinot Grigio, my fav white, and enjoyed every last drop. The thing that I found last night was, that I didn't pour the first glass until gone 9pm. I'd had soft drinks up until then. So why did I start at 9pm? No idea.

I just fancied it. And, luckily, there was only 2 glasses left in the bottle. I'm not sure that if there was more I would have stopped last night. I believe that I would have seen me nailed the lot! And that shocked me.

Really shocked me as I thought those feelings had gone!

Needless to say, TODAY I WILL NOT BE DRINKING.

I think that one of the difficulties with the 'reptilian brain' versus 'higher brain' stuff, is that it is very, very hard for our logical rational brains to overcome the strength of the craving in the moment (note the "I want a baby, and I want it NOW" comparison).

And to be honest, that is what a lot of us are struggling with on a day to day basis. I think I will print out the article, and in particular the list of reasons and their link to emotions. I think it will help my rational mind to understand what the underlying problem of the 'little voice' is likely to be.

However, what the article describes well is 2 functions of the reptilian brain - dealing with 'lack' of something (food, sheleter, anything that makes us feel good) and dealing with 'attack' (anything that threatens our safety NB this is why we still do things that are inherently dangerous because these 2 funtions in out reptilian brain are in competition). The reptilian brain has a third function, which is often ignored, and that is the ability to self-soothe: to feel compassion for ourselves, to accept things just as they are at this very moment.

Our higher brain, with all its cleverness can remember thngs that happened in the past (and feel shame / guilt etc) and it can also imagine things that might or might not happen in the future - and use those memories and inticipation to help us moderate our behaviour.

People who practice mindfulness meditation do not focus on the higher brain, which can fight and struggle against the base emotions of the reptilian brain, but instead they develop the 3rd function of the reptilian brain - acceptance and self love.

For me personally, that is why meditation (particularly some of the buddhist traditions) can help me a lot - it takes away the struggle and the battle, which makes all the 'trying to stop drinking' so terribly tiring, and it allows me just to rest in what is going on now.

In the summer time I was walking with a bloke who is a buddhist and we passed a field of horses. There was a mare eating the grass and one of the young male horses was getting all frisky and trying (unsuccesfully) to mount her. The stallion came along and for a moment there was tension, aggression, erect horse penises, snorting and stamping. The young horse backed off and literally 30 seconds later all 3 horses were munching the grass peacefully. The bloke I was with described that as a perfect example of mindfulness and meditation - not getting into some 'enlightened' state, but being able to settle into the 3rd function of the limbic brain - not remebering the 'lack' of sex, not focusing on the 'attack' and not replaying the scene or imagining what we might have done differently, or how we would deal with it the next time. The third function of the reptilian brain allows us just to enjoy the subtle pleasures of the moment - sweet juicy grass, the sunshine and fresh air.

Tne more I can develop my ability to 'be in the moment' the less pain I feel from the inevitable times of lack and attack, and the less I have to struggle with remembering and imaginings about alcohol.

mouse I am so glad that were only 2 glasses in that bottle so that you could learn how you might feel without having to actually live through the whole experience.

In some of my previous attempts to manage my drinking my story could have been similar to yours. Drastic cutting down to almost total abstinence, the occasional drink, but all under control - could leave some in the glass, could go days without anything at all. Felt fine, felt sorted. Then a party. Or an exceptionally nice bottle - and in an instant I could drop back into my old ways. Even if there were a few lingering weeks when i was semi-contolled, in the end I always up back into my old ways.

For me one of the differences is that even though I might be exhibiting contolled behaviour, it was always very conscious control. I have a very clear recollection of visiting a friend, sitting in her garden, putting down my wine glass after half a glass and believing that I was 'cured'. I honestly had no need / compulsion to finish the glass or have any more. Not that day.

But 6 months later I was back to hiding empty bottles, planning how to sneak an extra drink, resenting dp if he dared to have more than 'his' share of wine....

I am hoping that your journey is more succesful thanmine was at that point. You have done really well to NOTICE what was going on with the Pinot Grigio last night. Stay ON the bus mouse (whether you are around to post or not). We love having you here, and Nemo needs you to stay on the bus.

See you all later x

venus - you are the reason I got on the bus in the first place. You know that your post on another thread made me think long and hard about the way I treated alcohol and in turn, made me join the Brave Babes.

And, 4 months on, I am still on the bus and as you said, I NOTICED the way I felt once the bottle was empty.

It was a real eye opener. Even though I knew I wasn't 'cured', I thought I was in some sort of long term control.

And you're right about Nemo needing me to be a sober Mouse, he sure does.

Just having a quick look in and as ever really glad to read such an insightful post from Venus. It always took me by surprise that I could stop for a while, then drink a bit and indeed stop after a glass or two but by hook or by crook, I'd come full circle and be back to hiding bottles and wonderng WTF I said to so-and-so at pick-up time.

I think I needed to go through this experience several times before the truth finally dawned; I cannot CONSISTENTLY control my drinking and that's why I have to stop and never drink again. That is a big change to make and rather than telling myself I can't drink anymore, I'm trying to think of myself as a non-drinker.

I'm back in contact with an ex-boyfriend with whom I split when I was in the throws of my alcoholism. I never quite worked out why it didn't work out but we're talking very openly now, I've told him I'm an alcoholic and it hasn't fazed him one bit. We're thinking about trying again, just one step at a time and with if I can stay sober it could be a whole new experience.

Do you think it was your drinking that affected your relationship with ex-boyfriend Dipso?

Dipso A really positive post. Hope the 'trying again' goes well - seems you may have a positive RL support for your decision.

Thank you. Desire, I'm not sure but it certainly didn't help. I used to have the most terrible outbursts with him when I was pissed - certain situations used to act as triggers for deep-seated feelings I've always had and these things happened inevitably when I was drunk.

I'm not saying he was perfect - maybe if he had been we wouldn't have split in the first place, but there's still a strong connection between us 9 months after we split and I'm intrigued to see if it would be different without booze. At least if I'm not drinking, I should be able to make a more rational decision about whether it's workable or not.

Good for you Dipso:) Really hope it works out for you so!