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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm sick of DH 'opting out' at weekends...

119 replies

Whippet · 31/10/2010 13:34

It's wet and miserable. The kids are bored and irritable. We were in this morning while I got chores done/ I got stuff ready for school tomorrow/ I oversaw homework which was unfinished Blush and helped the kids carve their pumpkins.

This morning DH (who works at home) declared that his office (at home) was in too much of a mess and SIMPLY HAD TO BE tidied, and then virtually disappeared for all morning to do this, except for bringing paper out which he got the kids to shred Hmm.

At lunch he said he needed another 'hour or so' but that by 2.30 he'd probably be finished and 'waht did we want to do?'

I am furious. What gives him the right to just swan off and opt out of family life? I wouldn't have minded if he had told me yesterday and then I could have prepared to do something/go out.

We've just had a big argument about it, with him getting all hoity toity about how he doesn't have to 'get permission' from me or anyone else about how he spends his time - WTF?

He just doesn't get it - surely it's only respectful and commonsense that weekends are family time and he shouldn't just do this??

I am unbelievably angry about this. There are a million and one things I could declare are 'URGENT' but I wouldn't dream of hiding away at a weekend to do them without fisrt discussing/agreeing it?

Grrr...

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 31/10/2010 13:39

Get some couple counselling.

bruxeur · 31/10/2010 13:42

Kick him in the cunt.

EmpressOfTheUniverseReality · 31/10/2010 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 31/10/2010 13:45

Does this sort of thing happen on a regular basis then?

3thumbedwitch · 31/10/2010 13:47

Do the same to him next weekend and see how he likes it.
I know that's small, petty and dropping to his level but sometimes actions really do speak louder than words.

ChaoticAngel · 31/10/2010 13:47

Sit him down and calmly explain that he has commitments to you and your children and needs to show you some consideration. If he takes no notice then go out next Saturday/Sunday without the kids, leave them with him. When he complains tell him that you don't have to 'get permission' from him or anyone about how you spend your time. That should make your point that he can't just opt out as and when he feels like it.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 31/10/2010 13:48

Go out and leave the kids with him while he "works" at the weekend. See how he likes that.

overmydeadbody · 31/10/2010 13:49

I don't get it?

What's to be angry about? He was at home doing stuff, you where at home doing stuff, the kids where at home doing stuff?

I don't think he opted out of family life. PArt of family life includes tidying up an office surely?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 31/10/2010 13:53

Yes, but the OP was the one "in charge of the kids" while she did her chorse and her DH was left in piece. Maybe he should have carved teh pumpkins in his office leaving teh OP free to do her chores alone....

EmpressOfTheUniverseReality · 31/10/2010 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmpressOfTheUniverseReality · 31/10/2010 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFunderthepatio · 31/10/2010 13:57

He was tidying up, not attending a lap-dancing club. Why do you need to go apeshit at him? It would have been easier to say something calmly after an hour or so when you were getting bored.

gettingeasier · 31/10/2010 14:02

Agree with overmydeadbody. What stopped you going out anyway if he decided to sort out his office ? If you had had something in mind to do would he have done it or insisted on clearing up office ?

Sounds to me like there may be other things bothering you and this has served as a trigger

Original poster
Whippet · 31/10/2010 14:32

It's not so much that I mind him doing it, just that he could have given us a bit of notice as it were...

  • it's as someone said - I was left very much 'in charge' of the kids - responsible for sorting out homework/ stopping them killing each other/ food/ drinks etc in other words I didn't really get much done...
  • it is very much 'opting out', as his office is in a part of the house where he can't see/hear anything else going on, it's not as if he's in the next room. He gets to put his music/TV on and effectively shut the door on me/the kids.
  • the kids had tried to ask him things/involve him etc at various points this morning, but were very much told 'not now, as I'm doing this important task' Angry
  • we hadn't agreed to do anything specifically, but we have recently agreed that on Sundays we need to do something that gives the boys some exercise. They recently stopped doing organised sport on Sundays, and it was with the agreement (or so I thought?) that we would replace it with a walk/cycle/go swimming etc. However it already seems that this is now down to me to organise/nag about/ cajole Hmm.

I suppose I'm just angry because he took himself off to do something he wanted to do (which I think wasn't so much as a 'chore' as a chance for a bit of peace and quiet) and meanwhile I had to do all the boring 'must do' family stuff (which he NEVER does).

You're right, I'm probably angry, because he does this all the time - finds 'essential tasks' like cleaning the car, tidying the shed, tidying the garage, going to the tip - all of which he justifies by saying it's essential they're done, but mean that he doesn't have to spend any time interacting with the kids?

OP posts:
Katisha · 31/10/2010 15:22

Sympathies. I think you have justification for feeling narked. Many men feel that getting on with household jobs constitutes "family life", rather than actually doing something WITH their children.

Is it possible to have a serious and calm conversation with him on these lines - about how you feel like the only one doing any actual interactive parenting?

Therwise, as suggested below, I suggest to arrange to get yourself out for a day at the weekend, sans family.

spikeycow · 31/10/2010 15:46

He asked you at 2.30 what you wanted to do and you're pissed off? I don't get the whole mum and dad have to be in the same room at all times stuff. There was a thread with whinging that an outing was ruined because a H had a hangover aswell recently. What's the problem? Just get on with it Confused

susiedaisy · 31/10/2010 16:01

I have total sympathy for you here, i am in the exact same boat and so are a few other friends i know, some men see family commitments as optional, they really do, and mine is one of them, i have spent 12 years trying to change him and he does for a few weeks until he thinks i have calmed down and then he goes right back to doing the same, my DH also works from home one day a week, ( an office converted from the garage)but he keeps buggering off in there when ever we have a wet boring Sunday!! It pisses me right off, and i have tried to leave him with the kids and see hows he likes it, (they are 10 and 12) and he is oblivious and he still stays in his office and the kids are just bored in the home on their own!!!

sorry dont have any words of wisdom for you, but i know how you feel and yes it infuriates me every time!

TheFallenMadonna · 31/10/2010 16:06

How old are your children? When ours were very little, then I would have been miffed bacause they required work, but now they are older (9 and 6) they can just be while I get on with stuff. Sorting out drinks for older children isn't really a problem (mine do their own) and how much time does 'stopping them killing each other' take?
I do work at weekends, and don;t consider myself to b eopting out of family life.

scaleymcnamechange · 31/10/2010 16:07

I think children benefit from being "left to get on with it" on boring wet days like today. If they are not toddlers then they really don't need a parent hovering around finding things for them to do and chivvying them along. If you didn't have any firm plans for a specific family activity that you were all agreed you wanted to do, then I don't see how him just quietly getting on and tidying his office is such a bad thing. You could have done similar?

susiedaisy · 31/10/2010 16:13

Scaley- i agree with you if it is only once in a while that it happens,

TheFallenMadonna · 31/10/2010 16:15

Children should only entertain themselves once in a while?

susiedaisy · 31/10/2010 16:23

fallen- no i mean in the context of the DH continually opting out of weekends and just leaving the kids on their own, and no they dont need a parent hovering, it does them good to get the toys out or whatever and get on with it, but if the DH continually does it every time cause he cant be bothered to find any family activites to do, then i think it a poor on his behalf really,

MiraArte · 31/10/2010 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

susiedaisy · 31/10/2010 16:26

Mira- Exactly, well put!

TheFallenMadonna · 31/10/2010 16:29

I take a morning or afternoon every weekend to work. I have no choice. I really don't see it as opting out of family life. And I also don't think you need to do 'family activities' all the time either. But if DH felt differently, I suppose I'd need to negotiate (at the risk of sounding like Bonsoir...). Can't ask him - he's down at the allotment. I am MNetting. DC are playing with lego. Family disunity all the way Grin