I'm sick of DH 'opting out' at weekends...

[Whippet]

It's wet and miserable. The kids are bored and irritable. We were in this morning while I got chores done/ I got stuff ready for school tomorrow/ I oversaw homework which was unfinished and helped the kids carve their pumpkins.

This morning DH (who works at home) declared that his office (at home) was in too much of a mess and SIMPLY HAD TO BE tidied, and then virtually disappeared for all morning to do this, except for bringing paper out which he got the kids to shred .

At lunch he said he needed another 'hour or so' but that by 2.30 he'd probably be finished and 'waht did we want to do?'

I am furious. What gives him the right to just swan off and opt out of family life? I wouldn't have minded if he had told me yesterday and then I could have prepared to do something/go out.

We've just had a big argument about it, with him getting all hoity toity about how he doesn't have to 'get permission' from me or anyone else about how he spends his time - WTF?

He just doesn't get it - surely it's only respectful and commonsense that weekends are family time and he shouldn't just do this??

I am unbelievably angry about this. There are a million and one things I could declare are 'URGENT' but I wouldn't dream of hiding away at a weekend to do them without fisrt discussing/agreeing it?

Grrr...

SoMuchToBats - yes, that's it - it's so wearing to be the one who has to be 'responsible* for initiating whatever is happening... if we've agreed we're going out, nobidy puts their shoes and coats on until I'm in the hall hounding them all... and then we'll be just about to leave the front door (or worse still actually have got into the car) and DH will just 'pop to the loo' and then be there for 10 mins while he does whatever men do in the loo...

Templemaiden - if I'd adopted any of your suggestions he would just act all hurt or indignant and say "but I went to all the trouble of getting them"

You're all right of course, I AM being a martyr, but as someone said, it's the kids who suffer and they're not daft, they will go to the parent who is kind(er) and (more) patient.

I need to find some things to do outside the house and just disappear....

DH is like this across every aspect of life... he will turn up with something different if he happens to pass an 'interesting butchers shop' and say "Oh look, I thought we could have woodpigeon for tea" and then the damn things will sit in the fridge until they are either chucked out, or I have to figure out a way to include them in a meal...

He has no ability to follow anything through.

Perhaps I should just divorce him

He did involve the children with what he was doing, he got them to shred the paper.

i wonder a bit if he will do stuff, just hates you dicating when( eg diy) mine says " do a list and ill do it when i can
rather than" do thewindows today"

cestlavie - oh no, he has good reasons why the kids can't help him with any of those tasks.....

cleaning the car - they scratch the paintwork
tidying the shed - they just mess it up
tidying the garage - nothing they can help with
going to the tip - no room in the car when he has the seats down

Belgo - he brought the paper and the shredder into the kitchen and left it there!!

I then ended up stopping them from fighting over who was shredding first/ shredding each other's homework/ trying to shred cornflake packets (for 'fun')/ having to sort out & reset the damn thing when it over-heated....

Dh was not 'involved'!

Been there, seen it, done it, got the t-shirt. Completely understand.
In the end you HAVE to confront it even if you are the Wicked Witch of the West in the process.
It's the EXPECTATION that you will carry the show every time. So you do, because that is what your DC have come to expect too.
He has to realise he has to 'put more time' in with his DCs.

Yep you've got to tell him in words of one syllable.

But ForlornHope - doesn't it piss you off that you have to tell him to do stuff? Why the feck can't they just know that stuff needs to be done? It makes me feel like I'm his Mum. But maybe I'm being pernickety. I certainly wouldn't put up with the OP's DH's behaviour.

Actually, I've just remembered that I've put "make spawnchorus tea and toast in bed" for every Saturday and Sunday morning forever in his phone's diary

(And it works too!)

Yep. As I suggested earlier (seriously) - put DSs sport on his diary for Sat mornings. It's a committment he needs to make if its what you agreed.

God I sympathise. My husband works away all week. Came home friday night with his tooth hanging out so was in pain, date night cancelled, had tooth pulled Saturday, nursed him because he was in so much pain and crying. Rushed around all weekend organizing my sons Halloween party's amongst loads of other things. He felt better Sunday so I said lets go out for Sunday lunch, on the way got football boots and trainers that my son had lost last week at school, all pubs full [tried 5] ended going to Sainsbury's and buying it and cooking it. Just finished,
knackered, him sitting at computer surfing the net, had a look over his shoulder, he put is arms out for me to sit down on his
knee thought I was going to get a good hug. What did he say? his balls ached because he hhadn't had a shag. angry. sorry about punctuation and grammer but just fired it off.

oh Whippet, Ihave just read your post and laughed out loud about the wood pidgeon. I went away for the weekend a few weeks ago and left DH to do the shopping. He went to Waitrose and spent 150 quid on a load of obscure items i don't eat and then away for the weekend and left it in the fridge. Anyone fancy squids ink?

Gosh I hadn't realised he had been clonde so many times over!

I like the idea of putting recurring reminders in his phone/ calendar -it's true, because when I do that for other things he just accepts it!
He is petty about some things though - for example I put a date on the calendar for a night when I was going out with the 'girls' and the next day he booked a 'boys' night to the cinema.... or maybe he's just hopeless and me booking my 'date' spurred him into action?

Grrr. And grrr again!

The hiding away, the "oh, did you still want to...", the obliviousness to what needs to be done with the DCs even if I'm out, the "look, I'm really busy" - all very familiar.

Of course with hindsight what you should've said is, "Yes darling, that does sound quite crucial. You'd better get out on that cycle ride now - you should be back by 2.30 and then the rest of the afternoon could be your own?"

I often start with some sarcasm masquerading as sympathy; he usually falls for it and it makes me feel a little calmer!

whippet I so could have written your post, are you me?

i organise every single social and recreational activity for this household every single godamn fecking weekend and I'm so sick to the back teeth of it. the rare occasions I don't bother we do sweet fa and me and the kids and crawling the walls in boredom by 1pm. If it was up to him we'd literally just be hanging around in the living room all day. every fair, every festival every woodland walk, every community event, every trip to every park, art gallery, national trust place, farm, museum, theatre trip has all come out of my head after doing the bloody web research.

And i always say "we're going to x, we need to leave at 12.30. what happens 12.30? Me in the hall boots and coats on losing it with them as they're all shoeless and coatless with the nappy bag nappyless in the living room. So we leave invariably 20 mins later than planned. every goddamn time.

Bloody hell are we all married/living with the SAME man here, there cant be that many of them about surely???????

Oh minx! You MUST be me! That is exactly what happens here....

Sometimes though it takes us so long to get out of the goddam house after the 'scheduled time' that we end up missing part of what we were meant to do, or we get there late and have to queue, or get crap seats etc adn then DH gets all sniffy and says "well - that wasn't worth all the effort, was it?"

This thread has made me determined not to stand for it though - I am going to fight back!
I'm going to thwart all his sneaky little tricks and confront the issue.
I've realised another thing he does is that he slopes off whenever we come in from somewhere too. He keeps his wallet, keys and coins upstairs, so when we come in from anywhere he goes straight off to 'put them away' (which I know means he has really gone to check e-mails and surf the web.) Meanwhile I end up putting the kettle on, taking muddy boots to the garage, checking phone messages, putting heating on, drawing curtains, having the "no you can't go on the Wii until you've done your homework/music practice/cleaned the hamster out etc" argument, make tea/hot chocolate, get frozen stuff out of freezer for tea, put washed clothes in tumble drier, fold up dry clothes.

Then ten minutes later he miraculously reappears to collect a cup of tea

Tonight after tea (which I cooked) he disappeared leaving all the dishes on the side. After a couple of minutes I shouted up for him, and said could he come and clear up/load the dishwasher while I sorted the laundry. He came back tutting and said he was busy trying to order some printer ink cartridges (WTF?)

I think I'll buy him a coin/wallet/key tray for downstairs then he won't have any excuse for disappearing...

please do share your tactics for realing with equally slack DHs - I need all the help I can get....

Talk. Tell him how you feel

Whippet, what exactly is he adding to the relationship? You can whinge and moan at him all you like but he isn't going to change. It doesn't look as if he wants a wife and family. If I were you I would release him from his duties. You're doing pretty much everything anyway so being a single parent won't be much different.

We're definitely not all married to the same man, because I'd have dumped this guy after the first few dates.

Me, Tarzan since I had a cock. You, skivvy who does everything because you have a pussy.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Yes, but those people who say, "Why did you marry the man?" don't realise that these men seemed lovely at the time - flowers, chocolates, long evenings chatting, weekends away... And in my DH's case, "All I've ever really wanted to do is be a father." It's only now that it becomes clear that while I imagined him playing with the children, he imagined serenely sweeping through the chaos with cup of coffee in hand and shutting the study door with a contented sigh...

Speckledeggy, are you mad? You can't break up a marriage/family because your husband doesn't fit your idea of perfect! It's a life commitment, at least to some people it still is... And "he'll never change"?!? You've not even met the guy, all you know is from a couple of paragraphs.

Whippet - coin etc tray, great idea - go for it, girl! Or alternatively you could make his office the new home for the DC's muddy boots.

By the way, don't let the DCs off the hook, either. They could've put the kettle on, moved the washed clothes to the drier, closed the curtains (one extra chore for each complaint about cutting into their Wii time... heehee).

ALthough I feel jolly plans and little wheezes like coin trays are not going to hack it. There are deeper issues and assumptions at play here.
Personally I think straight talking is the way forward, and an insistence that he hears you out, understands how you feel and undertakes not to airily dismiss your concerns.
If necessary, Relate. You have to show you are serious, not mildly pissed off.

Yes, but experience is often the best teacher. The jolly wheezes show quietly and positively what is expected of him, the not-letting-him-retreat-because-of-plans-made-on-Friday even more so.

You can talk to him for hours and hours, but maybe nothing will change. Give him specific things to do on a regular basis and gradually he will come to expect it.

Or am I treating him like a child? Hey ho. I still feel it's the best route to take. Positive encouragement! "I really appreciated you doing..." that they need it, but they seem to like it... :)

I agree - you have to show you are serious and that the lack of effort/involvement is negatively affecting your love for DH and feeling of commitment to the marriage.

I have a DH who is oblivious to the work that needs doing in the house but quick to point out mess/ untidiness with a horrified "what is that doing there?" sort of phrase. I have started sharing responsibility for house jobs with everyone, DH and kids (though I am coming to terms with having to be the one to plan housejobs). So now on Saturdays I will say "shall we all do a half hour blitz of tidying? OK what about DH on sitting room, kids on bedrooms, I will do laundry, then let's meet in half an hour for inspection time?" that way DH can't get out of his job because kids will pull him up on it and he cant critisise work that others have done if he hasn't done his.

Am doing this with admin jobs too as I used to take them all on myself unquestionningly, now I say "oh I noticed the house insurance reminder
came through, should 1 of us search for cheaper quotes?" or whatever but then it places it out there as a shared job that 1 of us should take on. Reduces martydom this way as if I do a task I atleast get thanked for it rather than it being expected.

Wow, I'm amazed that all these blokes think that behaviour is ok. I must be really lucky, is it actually unusual for a dad to enjoy family time?!

Book yourself a weekend away with some friends and let him get on with some parenting for once.