I'm sick of DH 'opting out' at weekends...

[Whippet]

It's wet and miserable. The kids are bored and irritable. We were in this morning while I got chores done/ I got stuff ready for school tomorrow/ I oversaw homework which was unfinished and helped the kids carve their pumpkins.

This morning DH (who works at home) declared that his office (at home) was in too much of a mess and SIMPLY HAD TO BE tidied, and then virtually disappeared for all morning to do this, except for bringing paper out which he got the kids to shred .

At lunch he said he needed another 'hour or so' but that by 2.30 he'd probably be finished and 'waht did we want to do?'

I am furious. What gives him the right to just swan off and opt out of family life? I wouldn't have minded if he had told me yesterday and then I could have prepared to do something/go out.

We've just had a big argument about it, with him getting all hoity toity about how he doesn't have to 'get permission' from me or anyone else about how he spends his time - WTF?

He just doesn't get it - surely it's only respectful and commonsense that weekends are family time and he shouldn't just do this??

I am unbelievably angry about this. There are a million and one things I could declare are 'URGENT' but I wouldn't dream of hiding away at a weekend to do them without fisrt discussing/agreeing it?

Grrr...

Oh I can totally sympathise.

DP is a bit better than he was, but he drives me MAD because we (DP, DS nearly 4, DD nearly 1 and myself) can be sitting eating dinner and then he'll get up when he's finished and go outside to smoke, then go and sit in the living room on his PC playing some silly game (leaving me to clean up the DCs and the table/floor and load the dishwasher). I wouldn't mind but at that time of day DD is often tired and cranky and needing to get ready for bed.

Then at weekends he will often come back to bed after depositing DS in the living room with CBeebies, but this will wake DD who I will then end up taking downstairs. He will tell me to give him an hour because his back hurts. So I do, but when I go up to wake him he says 5 more minutes (and does this 3-4 times until I get annoyed). I once left him to sleep until gone 10 and he complained .

Gah!

Oh, and don't get me started on him making some kind of elaborate dinner (but making such a mess that I wish he hadn't ever bothered!).

I understand too and agree completely with Mira. It is the lack of headspace - no matter what I do I have to think of what is for lunch, what everybody will be wearing for the next few days, what the timetable is or whatever (those million shitty little things). There is never any time off the thinking. Even on holiday - don't get me started on that one but it is still the same - DH doesn't opt out of time with us but does opt out of being responsible so I still have the rest of the family sitting, waiting to be told what to do and when and if I don't do it, complaints about how we wasted a day or that they don't want to do whatever it is I suggest. They should take control yourselves then!! Anyway another thread.

How old are your boys Whippet? I have found 2 things that have eased the problem a bit. First as they have got older they crave time with DH as they share more masculine interests, so DH can't opt out - they won't let him and I don't go after them saying leave Daddy alone - let him deal with it and cope with their disappointment! Secondly, I have been doing an OU course so I get to opt out sometimes at the weekend and DH has got into the habit of working in the same room as the DSs - not ideal but they can bombard him with questions and requests rather than me, although they do still come looking for me to ask stupid little things they could ask their dad because dad says he is busy.

It still annoys me when DH says at a moments notice that he has to go to the office because he is so busy and has got behind(he is self employed so could organise his own working life better) and then just assumes that I will take up the slack so he can just disappear - but his is the other side of town!!

Glad to know I'm not alone!

The DSs are 10 and 7. I know that in theory that means I should be able to leave them to their own devices, and I can some of the time, but the reality is often rather different. DS1 is going through a particualarly annoying 'niggling' phase where he delights in winding up DS2 as soon as I'm out of sight; DS2 is a real whinger and screamer, so everything escalates quite quickly.
They NEED to go out and burn off all that testosterone and energy. Going in the garden doesn't help much - they still fight/argue and it ends up with me having to intervene, or at least getting annoyed. There isn't really anywhere they can go on their own from where we live, and if they have a friend/neighbour over it ends up making more mess than I've managed to tidy, and of course it becomes a requirement for me to make lunch for the guest etc etc.

The problem is that the 'stuff' I need to do at home is at home and if I end up having to take them out to stop the fighting/whinging, then I have no chance of getting anything done.

DH used to take DS2 to football on a Sunday and DS1 and I used to have a nice time - him finishing homework, doing hobbies, and me getting the house sorted.

I really wish he was the sort of dad who would just go off doing 'boy things' with them... he like the 'idea' of it, but somehow it never happens

Oh, and while I'm having a whinge .... DH brought pumpkins home as he'd seen them at the garden centre, but did he get involved in the scraping/carving/cutting/putting plasters on cut fingers/looking for candles/ begging to make toasted pumpkin seeds/ asking to make pumpkin pie/cleaning up/ nagging about costumes lost, found, mislaid, ripped/ remembering to buy sweets/ wanting to make halloween decorations/ looking for lost paints/clearing up spilt paints...?

Did he hell. He was safely tucked away in his office. And then at 4 p.m. he emerged saying "and how are we getting on with the pumpkins then??"

Grrr....

But no doubt feels responsible for introducing such "fun" into the house.
Yep - likes the idea but not the reality.
OK - would it work to get him to put "go for cycle ride with DSs" into his diary for Sat mornings? Otherwise he will continually dodge it.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

If my dh had brought pumpkins home I would havde said something like "What a nice idea - you had better do that outside in the garden so it doesn't make a mess" - then I would have gone back to whatever I was doing :o)

whippet
SEND theboys to daddy
say " daddy come and carve these" dont just DO it
fgs stop being sucha martyr

templemaiden - It is tempting but the problem would be for me (and I suspect others in the same boat) that I would be the one who had to put up with the begging, pleading and whinging to do the pumpkins - no amount of deflecting the problem back on DH would work because the DSs know that he would either ignore them or send them back to me! DH would have bugger off doing his thing without another thought about pumpkins. As far as he was concerned his duties had been performed i.e. bringing home the pumpkins. (These are hypothetical pumpkins in our house but the attitude still applies)

then GO TO YOUR HUSBAND and say " you must do this I am busy your sons want you stop being a lazy sod"

why do you lot marry these absolute tossers and WHY do you let them get away with part time parenting?

Well in that case I would have gone to his office and said "Why did you bring pumpkins home for the DC if you had no intention of carving them with them. Did you seriously expect me to drop everything and do them when I have insert long list of jobs to do and you know I'm going out for a run later?"

high fives temple maiden

Backatcha :)

I see what you mean niecie. If we had that situation in our house and I sent ds to ask dh to do pumpkin-carving with him, dh would probably just tell ds "I haven't got time, I'm too busy, go and ask Mummy to do it". Then ds would come and ask me.

Similarly if said what templemaiden said to dh, he would just not have taken the hint, but gone up to his study anyway. Then ds would have asked me to do it.

Last night we didn't have any real pumpkins, as ds hadn't shown much interest in Hallowe'en, but I had bought some treats just in case anyone came to the door. At the last minute, ds decided he wanted to enter into the spirit of things. So he drew a oumpkin on a piece of paper, cutting out the eyes etc, and stuck it on his window, to attract the trick or treaters. He then dressed up as a policeman (not very Hallowe'eny, but it was the only oufit he has apart from a fireman) and got very excited every time anyone came to the door. I came and surveyed his artwork, and helped him hand out the booty, in between cooking the dinner. Meanwhile dh was up in his study. Ds kept running upstairs with updates about how many callers we had had. At one point dh came down to collect something he needed, and said "I'm staying upstairs out of the way". He just didn't ewant to get involved.

I think you've been a bit melodramatic tbh, why didn't you just say to him - please could you do that another time and give me a hand with the kids now?

How was he supposed to know you were annoyed if you didn't tell him?

And anyway, since he was done by 2.30 in the afternoon surely you then had most of the day left anyway there was still loads of time for him to take the kids out somewhere like you'd agreed for a Sunday.

And he was doing a chore, it's not like he announced he was going down the pub all afternoon!

What's he done wrong? I'd be really happy if my dh cleaned his pigsty office.

The reason he does it is because you let him get away with it. Next time, say "Can you do the pumpkins with the kids while I . Keep doing it and he'll get the message. But it'll take a while because it has been this way for so long.

Fair enough, we shouldn't let them get away with it but ones who are suffering and being used to make a point are the children who are being sent backwards and forwards whilst this war of words is going on. They end up thinking nobody wants to spend any time with them which isn't the case at all. All the OP wanted was some family time together not to neglect her children.

As for being glad he cleaned his office - he should have stayed on top of it during the working week not use his family time to sort it. If he worked in an office away from home he wouldn't go in at the weekend to sort it out would he? He would do it whilst he was there during the week. It is an excuse to get some time to himself.

Don't let him do it. Easier said than done I know, I am guilty of picking up the slack because it's easier than having a row, but if he keeps getting away with it he'll carry on doing it.

It's a shame when you have to treat your partner in the same manner as a toddler but sometimes we all need things pointing out in black and white.

My dh is very good at being too tired after a busy week to get up in the morning with the children at the weekend. (Of course I am as fresh as a daisy on a Sat morning because I have spent all week with my feet up drinking tea ). A quick explanation of why he's taking the piss works for a while. I just wish I didn't have to have to have the same conversation with him every few months when he starts backsliding.

PLAN hte weekend
say " we will do this, I will do that"

TigerFeet, I agree with you that it's easier said than done. I have had many conversations with dh along the lines of he needs to spend a bit more time with ds. Dh will agree with me when we have the conversation, but doesn't do anything about it.

And quite often we do plan our weekends. For example this weekend dh suggested we all go out on Sunday morning to local seaside town for a walk/brunch in cafe. I agreed, so did ds. Sunday morning arrives. Ds and I are up and dressed. Dh has got out of bed, put on his dressing gown and retreated into his study. He would have stayed there all morning if I hadn't gone and asked him when he was going to be ready to go, and even then he said "Oh, do you still wantto go then?" even though it had been planned and it was his idea.

We did go in the end (rather late) but sometimes it's so wearing, having to be the one who gets anything organised/done.

"cleaning the car, tidying the shed, tidying the garage, going to the tip -" --all of these can be done WITH the children, even small ones can get involved in washing the car etc .

It can't be denied that many men prefer to do all that without reference to their children. Women tend not to have that option.