Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm sick of DH 'opting out' at weekends...

119 replies

Whippet · 31/10/2010 13:34

It's wet and miserable. The kids are bored and irritable. We were in this morning while I got chores done/ I got stuff ready for school tomorrow/ I oversaw homework which was unfinished Blush and helped the kids carve their pumpkins.

This morning DH (who works at home) declared that his office (at home) was in too much of a mess and SIMPLY HAD TO BE tidied, and then virtually disappeared for all morning to do this, except for bringing paper out which he got the kids to shred Hmm.

At lunch he said he needed another 'hour or so' but that by 2.30 he'd probably be finished and 'waht did we want to do?'

I am furious. What gives him the right to just swan off and opt out of family life? I wouldn't have minded if he had told me yesterday and then I could have prepared to do something/go out.

We've just had a big argument about it, with him getting all hoity toity about how he doesn't have to 'get permission' from me or anyone else about how he spends his time - WTF?

He just doesn't get it - surely it's only respectful and commonsense that weekends are family time and he shouldn't just do this??

I am unbelievably angry about this. There are a million and one things I could declare are 'URGENT' but I wouldn't dream of hiding away at a weekend to do them without fisrt discussing/agreeing it?

Grrr...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whippet · 31/10/2010 18:04

Mira - yes! That's exactly it!

It's the fact that he's opting out of any of the responsibility for, as you say, the 'shitty little things' Angry

His other tactic is that he will not appear anywhere near a mealtime in case he has to (god forbid) get involved. He KNOWS that the kids & I get hungry about 12.30 and will be starving by 1 p.m. so he will make sure that he's involved in something at 12.30 that will take another 30 minutes to finish. And then of course I get all the whingeing and feel so hungry myself that I give in and make lunch (which of course then cuts into whatver task I'm trying to get done).

Sorry if uit sounds petty, but if you have DH like this you wil understand - it is just soooooo infuriating. And it's impossible to challenge it as he just claims he 'doesn't see the problem' and he 'does more than his fair share' (which is bllcks quite frankly).

He really is crap at interacting with the kids, other than taking them to the cinema or watching a DVD with them.

I want a Dad/DH who takes his boys out to play sport Sad

OP posts:
dittany · 31/10/2010 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forehead · 31/10/2010 18:32

Mira sums it up brilliantly. My dh does EXAXTLY the same thing. In fact this morning we had a massive argument because i felt he opts out of 'the shitty things'. Sometimes i don't have the time to think, but he can lock himself away in the office and miraculously appear when dinner is ready. Next week i'm going away for the weekend, just to get some headspace, iknow my dh will not be able to cope.

Original poster
Whippet · 31/10/2010 18:47

It's sheds, garages or 'home offices' - these are the places they disappear to, under the pretence of doing 'something urgent and important' Hmm

OP posts:
dittany · 31/10/2010 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiraArte · 31/10/2010 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 31/10/2010 19:27

My H was exactly like this. He is now my ex. DP more than pulls his weight whenever he spends time with us, and will often tell me to sit down and relax while he goes to deal with whatever hoo ha is going on with the dc's. So refreshing.

I really don't know what to suggest, but I really do sympathise. H used to need to make urgent work calls every time meal or bath time approached. Once you notice what's going on, it's incredibly irritating. I really started to resent it, and it's much easier now I don't have to factor him in at all.

Not recommending this course of action, btw, there was obviously a lot more to it than general laziness, but it did become a real point of contention by the end.

susiedaisy · 31/10/2010 19:53

Sooooo pleased its not just me havin to put up with this crap!

scaleymcnamechange · 31/10/2010 22:04

As it happens my dh has been pretty useless today. So I bollocked him for it. Really shouted ranted and raved and told him exactly why I was cross. So now we all know where we stand in the Scaley household.

So when your dh says he doesn't need your permission as to how he spends his time, you could agree with him and say ok then in that case I (you) don't need his permission for how you spend your time either, so who does he suggest takes on respnsibility for the dc if what you want to do also involves disappearing for an entire morning or afternoon at the time?

Hullygully · 31/10/2010 22:20

what is wrong with you? Think about how hard that poor man works, put on something sexy and some mood music and just let it all go down.

BarnMummy · 31/10/2010 22:20

Mira this is sooo true. I posted a thread along these lines earlier this evening because I still had to do all the "sh*tty little things" when I came home from a funeral (which involved a 250 mile round trip drive) on Friday. I almost felt as though he thought I'd had a "day off" - when it was actually exhausting and emotionally very draining.

Your loft example is perfect - I often wonder what would happen if I behaved the way my DH does - the problem is that I know that even if I did manage to stay in the loft all day (using your example), I would still have to do all the laundry, feed the cat, make sure stuff is ready for school etc, AFTER I came downstairs!

strawberryquestion · 31/10/2010 22:22

If he is the sort of H to say, I'll take the boys this morning while you chill' on a semi regular basis, then this is fine.

If, as I rather suspect, he has literally never said this to you since your DS1 was born, then he is being a total arse and you need to stand up for your rights woman! The weekends are for shared parenting and time off for each parent equally, not for our OH to run and hide.

But also, don't forget that if he pulls this shit again, rather than moping about and resenting it all day, which is shit for you, take the boys out for a fab day bowling, go for tea somewhere, go to the pics, get home late and tell your DH to stuff his head up his arse.

thebrownstuff · 31/10/2010 22:31

.

PortoFangO · 31/10/2010 22:42

On a Friday night/Sat am I say "So what is the PLAN then for the weekend". It is entirely flexible and covers shopping/dance class (fixed) vs any desires on the behalf of any party to have a sleepover/watch Man U play with minimal interuption/go to friends for coffee/go swimming etc.

This is balanced against stuff that NEEDS doing, eg hoovering, bed changing. So we agree in advance who is doing what, and where dd will be at any one time. It seems to work mostly....

Original poster
Whippet · 01/11/2010 08:59

Hullygully - you're taking the piss, right? I'm not some little 50's housewife - I also work hard during the week, as well as doing all the 'shitty little' after school things.

Porto - I also try to do this, and that's why I thought we had an agreement that Sunday morning was for exercise.
DH also has a habit of saying on a Fri/Sat "oh, we could go for a cycle tomorrow/ Sunday.." and then the kids and I (to a lesser extent, cos I know better) assume it's happening, and then when Sunday comes he's suddenly 'busy' with something else. And then I end up consoling disappointed kids and having to find something else to do.
I think he has a problem with committing to things. He doesn't belong to any clubs or groups. He likes cycling, and I keep trying to persuade him to join the local cycling club, but he says he doesn't want to have to commit to a weekly meeting. However he then complains that he hasn't got any mates to cycle with when he phones them at the eleventh hour and they're not available!

I'm more than happy to take the kids out on my own, but if I know he's not coming then I'd prefer to arrange to meet other friends, which if he lets us down at the last minute, then I can't easily do.

Grrr....

OP posts:
FolornHope · 01/11/2010 09:00

he tidied the house! whats the deal!

Original poster
Whippet · 01/11/2010 09:03
Hmm He didn't tidy the house. He virtually locked himself in his office which is not a room any of the rest of us use, and is not part of the house (a sort of annex really).

It's as if he said, "let's all go for a cycle" and then in the next breath said "I'll going to be at work for the next 5 hours".

Not the same as tidying the house at all....

OP posts:
MarineIguana · 01/11/2010 09:10

My DP would do this too but he constantly gets pulled up on it! I think he is finally getting it now, that there are two parents and at weekends we share responsibility and it is not OK to just disappear off and do something and not have to deal with the DC. Except by arrangement and then we both get our turns.

He still slips into it, for example if he goes for a shower or a crap, he'll have himself a leisurely 40 minutes whereas my instinct is to get in and out quickly because the kids are around. I now try to do the same and take as much headspace for myself as he gets.

Oh and OP I work at home and I know very well that having a nice sort and tidy of my office with no pestering would be absolute bliss at the weekend - I would LOVE to do that - but it's not an option, I have to fit that into work time. So my office is a tip because I'm too busy. Suck it up OP's DH!

SoMuchToBats · 01/11/2010 09:22

I see where you are coming from, but at least your dh is doing stuff like tidying the office, going to the tip, cleaning the car etc. If only mine would do that! If he isn't out at music rehearsals at the weekends, he usually spends most of the time in his study, doing stuff like sorting through his photos, or stuff to do with the local orchestra which he helps to run. So not even stuff which helps the family.

And he usually has to be called down from his study for meals, and then quite often we have to wait some time until he appears.

I remember one time his Mum came to stay. I had made lunch, and called dh to come down from his study. His Mum, ds and I all sat down and waited for dh. After a few minutes he hadn't come down (and he had definitely heard me) so we started eating. About 5 minutes later he appeared, took his plate, and went back to his study with it! We were all Shock

FolornHope · 01/11/2010 09:24

but what i dont get is how this even happened
if my h said "im going to tidy the garage" id say " oh thast great - but we need to do this that or the other at 2pm and can you take Algie to his viola lesson"
we also have a weekend plan before it happens ( as we are pretty busy)
why dindt you say " oi h come here"

FolornHope · 01/11/2010 09:25

ha re food
mine tried that once

MiraArte · 01/11/2010 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SoMuchToBats · 01/11/2010 09:34

But what do you do? If I tell dh I'm not happy about the fact that I have to call him from his study and then he doesn't come down for ages, he gets really huffy and defensive,and says "Yes, yes but I was in the middle of something and it was really important and I couldn't leave it". That then makes me feel I'm being unreasonable for letting him know I'm not happy about it.

minxofmancunia · 01/11/2010 09:34

My dh does this a bit, yesterday her disappeared to the garden to vacuum up the leaves with his new recently purchased garden vacuuming machine machine.

However if your children are school age they're old enough to be left to their own devices at home, and you can get on with stuff. Ds is only 13m so needs constant supervision especially as he's such a tearaway already which means one adult has to be with him. Dd entertains herself however she's 4. Re homework, tell them once then let them get on with it. their fault if they get in trouble for not doing it. re meals go out when you can otherwise the weekend is a pain. We went out for 2 ceap meals this weekend, one cafe and one kids eat free curry place. DH knows if i get stranded with the kids this is what I'll do as I hate weekend life revolving around bloody cooking and clearing up the resultant carnage.

Also plan prior to the weekend. It's not just about doing things as a family, to ensure you et your own needs met factor in some time for yourself too, cafe,gym,shops whatever. just go and do it. Some weekends it's not possible because of kids parties etc. but do it where you can. Devoting entire weekends to the kids is unnecessary and unhealthy imo. it's about balance.

SoMuchToBats · 01/11/2010 09:38

I really don't mind too much on my own behalf that dh spends so much time in his study at weekends, as ds is 9 now and well able to amuse himself, and I enjoy his company. It was harder when he was a toddler though, as I had him all week on my own while dh was at work, and then a lot of the weekends too. I also feel it's a little unfair on ds, as he doesn't get to do much or spend much time with his dad.