I'm sick of DH 'opting out' at weekends...

[Whippet]

It's wet and miserable. The kids are bored and irritable. We were in this morning while I got chores done/ I got stuff ready for school tomorrow/ I oversaw homework which was unfinished and helped the kids carve their pumpkins.

This morning DH (who works at home) declared that his office (at home) was in too much of a mess and SIMPLY HAD TO BE tidied, and then virtually disappeared for all morning to do this, except for bringing paper out which he got the kids to shred .

At lunch he said he needed another 'hour or so' but that by 2.30 he'd probably be finished and 'waht did we want to do?'

I am furious. What gives him the right to just swan off and opt out of family life? I wouldn't have minded if he had told me yesterday and then I could have prepared to do something/go out.

We've just had a big argument about it, with him getting all hoity toity about how he doesn't have to 'get permission' from me or anyone else about how he spends his time - WTF?

He just doesn't get it - surely it's only respectful and commonsense that weekends are family time and he shouldn't just do this??

I am unbelievably angry about this. There are a million and one things I could declare are 'URGENT' but I wouldn't dream of hiding away at a weekend to do them without fisrt discussing/agreeing it?

Grrr...

loves2walk, so nice to see a post which doesn't say "I have a DH who is oblivious to the work that needs doing in the house so
(a) I do it all myself
(b) I'm going to counselling
(c) I'm divorcing him

You're an inspiration to those of us in similar positions! :)

My DH is great at doing all the house stuff when I'm away and he will happily do stuff with the kids but when I'm around, he leaves all the sorting/planning to me. THAT is such a frustration as often it is the planning of jobs/meals/homework/thank you letters that is the drain. I would love someone to do all the thinking for me and just hand out tasks here and there!

Lostinafrica - your post made me laugh! Because:

I did used to do it all myself,
I did seriously consider divorce and now
we go to counselling!

All very exhausting - wonder if this was what my mother meant when she used to say "don't get married young, it can be very hard work!"

You just have to do something about it and it will change. When they slope off, call them and point out what needs to be done. If they don't do it straight away (they are adults, after all) then do your share and then stop. Yes you might have to keep on saying things - but no one is a mind reader and it's not bloody rocket science!

I get exactly what the OP, Mira and others are saying as my DH tends to disappear.

It seems that fathers are basically off-duty until specifically tasked to do some childcare, whereas mothers are basically on-duty unless they make specific arrangements for some 'time off'.

Having said that, I did have a pop at DH about DD's homework a couple of weeks ago. Pointed out how hard I find to help her do research with an attention-seeking 2yo in tow, that it's not fair on her. To my surprise he took it on board and quietly got on with helping her do her half-term research.

piprabbit, you are so right - mothers are on-duty until they make specific arrangements for time off!! Fuck all would get done otherwise.

loves2walk; inspirational!

DH = relaxes until I ask him to help (by which time I am rather hacked off at lack of offer to help)
DW = runs around like headless chicken being wonderwoman (until hacked off and then threaten to quit)

SO UNFAIR!

You're right piprabbit - I feel exactly that!

I think there were 2 things that changed things in me that changed the way my DH is now:

I told him clearly how his lack of involvement made me feel and
I changed what I did to facilitate his involvement or previous lack of.....

So this lunch thing - my DH used to "be busy" around lunchtime so I would get lunch out for us all, eat with kids, then he'd come in as we were finishing, get his lunch and as we'd all finished by then, he'd eat his on sofa in front of tv while I was getting on with the next activity with kids.

So I told him the double standards were unacceptable as kids are not allowed to eat on sofa and not being involved was rude to us all. Then I started not enabling him to duck out, so at lunchtime I will now take laundry upstairs leaving him downstairs with kids telling them to go and ask daddy what's for lunch and saying to him can he get started on lunch, I'll be down in 10 mins. That means hungry kids are hassling him not me and he knows he has to share the work.

Sounds bit long winded now I write it down, I don't plan it in advance I just sort of make sure he is as involved as me.

As someone else said you get into these ways gradually, you may not go into a partnership intending to take on the crap jobs and having inequality. But years down the line it strikes you that it has happened. Then somehow settling for a quiet time and just getting on with what needs to be done is easier than constantly nagging or the other alternative, ditching your DH. Not that easy to get back on track.

Whippet - my 'd'h the same. It's knackering.

I'm so busy doing everything I have no time to look for a job. Every single thing with ds is my responsibility.

DH is properly messy - he makes a mess and then moans about the place being a tip - he then in a fit of whatever, attempts to clean eg the kitchen but splashing water around and treading it around the home and then I have to clean up more.

I loathe it when he's around. He went to stay at his mum's for a few days - needless to say I'm encouraging him to do it more often as it was a holiday for me - home was clean with little effort - I had more time to play with ds etc. It was calm.

Nothing can make him do more.

I think my DH has some of these tendencies. Although to be fair, it's mainly because he's a bit manic about work, rather than a desire to avoid parenting duties.

Things that work for us:

1. planning weekend activities and involving the kids in said planning
2. getting the kids on side to keep both of us up to the mark - 'go and get daddy, we've got to go in 30 minutes and he needs to sort out your coats & boots' is acceptable in our house. Also acceptable is 'go and ask daddy, I'm busy': occasionally they will get the brush off from both parents but it won't hurt them once in a while and the usual result is that we do a roughly equal share of parenting
3. linking shared chores and treats, as in: 'if you can do the bathroom while I cook lunch then we'll all be able to go for a cycle ride to the pub this afternoon'
4. putting things in diaries
5. sharing information on where things are kept and how things are done, if it's important. I have a friend who moans about this behaviour from her husband and then doesn't let him clean the bathroom because he does it wrong
6. asking for household/child management tasks to be done - easier with some things than others (ie getting the car serviced/finances vs anything for school events).
7. the occasional flaming row when standards slip. I really let rip a couple of months ago and dh has been much more on the mark about taking his fair share or at least consulting me if there are reasons why he can't.

But yes, don't put up with it. I know it will cause aggravation and I know it's tempting to duck the issue but it will gnaw away at your respect for yourself and for him very quickly. Ultimately it could damage a relationship beyond repair.

Reasonable people act reasonably, listen when you tell them you're unhappy with the status quo and try to change things so they work better for everyone.

Unreasonable people refuse to listen or appear to listen but do nothing.

Actions speak louder than words. If he's acting like a lazy arse, then he is a lazy arse and no amount of rationalisation will change that.

Simples.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

Re the appearing magically in the kitchen to collect his cup of tea / meal - stop making any for him. Only make food/drinks for yourself and/or the kids and when he appears, say 'Oh, you seemed like you were going to be busy for a while so it's better if you make your own'. If he slacks off, why should you continue to put in the same level of effort for him? (leaving the kids aside).

Completely agree with posters saying it's a deeper issue than being indirect/tit for tat will solve, but at the same time, while you're contemplating Relate and long term strategies and so on, this is a short-term action that you can take that makes a point effectively, I think.

Secret- your post made me laugh, but you also make a good point.

1. You need to call him up on it as soon as he makes excuses eg "No, DH, we promised the boys a bike ride so let's go!"
2. You need to schedule in YOU TIME on a regular basis and give him advance warning of it - preferably out of the house. The DCs, if school age, should be able to fend for themselves for a few hours or go to their father.

I work from home in my own office and never clean/de-clutter it at the weekend. If I do then I involve DD (or at least keep the door open so she can wonder in and out); similarly if DH needs to sort the shed or do the gardening he involves DD (or at least lets her potter around him for a chat and play nearby him). We all do our own thing at the weekend but rarely close doors or exclude DD or each other; plus we also pre-schedule family activities and do not let each other cancel at last minute unless emergency.

In short, we do not let each other get away with anything during family weekends.

"Sometimes though it takes us so long to get out of the goddam house after the 'scheduled time' that we end up missing part of what we were meant to do, or we get there late and have to queue, or get crap seats etc adn then DH gets all sniffy and says "well - that wasn't worth all the effort, was it?""

Whippet, could you add on 30 mins whenever you need to go out so, eg, the footie match starts at 3.30pm and normally you have to be out the door at 2.30pm to get there in time. Instead you tell everyone you need to go out at 2pm (you are accomodating the extra faff time!).