Fed up - don't want sex - should I make myself?

[firefliesinjune]

I really don't know what to do.

I have suffered from depression on and off all my life. I have been on and off anti Ds. I have no sex drive at all at the moment. In fact I haven't had one since the birth of my 1st DS over 2 years ago. Since having DD who is 6 months I haven't wanted anything more than a cuddle. My DH (been married 5 years) is understandably fed up with the whole thing. I am waiting for some counselling and have regular contact with a psychiatrist (where I just moan a lot)

I just feel so tired all the time. I never enjoyed our sex life even in the early days (have always had issues with sex) My DH is my 1st partner, I have never been with anyone else.
It sounds awful but I really had to force myself into being physical with him - I love him very much. I find him physically attractive but have no desires at all.

Since having the children I feel I am constantly dealing with demands and my husband just feels like another demand. Its driving me mad.

He knows how I feel but he tells me I should just "bite the bullet" and if I start something sexual then I might enjoy it. This is what I did all the way through our sexual relationship and it wasn't true then so why now? I can't tell him this. He is quite sensitive and it will upset him. I feel like such a CRAP wife.

We don't really argue but DH is not happy. We chat about it every few weeks and get no-where. I wondered whether coming off the pill and trying another type of contraceptive would help. Does the pill dampen sex drive? I know this isn't the cause but maybe it would help.

There are lots of other depressing issues in my life and in the past (hence waiting for councelling) and I want to get well and just feel "normal" but my poor DH has to put up with this and its not fair.

Am I being self absorbed? Should I "bite the bullet" and just get on with it regardless of not wanting to.

Any advice very welcome!

Do you just not want it, or do you really hate it?

Is there an element of "oh this isn't awful" when you have "bitten the bullet", or are you hating it from start to finish?

If you dislike it that much, is it uncomfortable? Sorry for all the questions

Thanks for reply, don't mind the questions at all.

I feel very awkward all the way through and do not ever feel "oh actually this is ok" I just feel like I cannot let go and suppose just try and get it done as quickly as possible.

It hurt physically in the beginning of our relationship as my DH is a bit big in that dept and it was very uncomfortable. I got through that but it took ages and just kept feeling like there was something wrong with me because it hurt so much. I was young and a bit silly, didnt realise that it was hurting due to his size. It was only after a few years I looked back and thought "ooohhh thats why it was hurting."

We would try and have sex and it would just end with me crying as it hurt. At the time I thought it was just psychological.

Now it does not physically hurt but mentally I cannot do it.

Can you go back to basics and just do some fiddling, with the agreement that sex is off the cards? What about 'solo activity'?

Be kind to yourself, build up slowly, discuss the progress with your psych.

Thanks mistressploppy what a fab name.

Yes I see what you are saying. Take it slowly. As I have no desire at all its difficult as I dont want to. I know I should try though. I feel like its wrong to force it but thats what it needs I think. There is no solo activity. No urges at all.

My experience of the pill is that it exerted its contraceptive effects by completely wiping out my libido. It also left me feeling quite depressed. I would suggest a change of contraceptive.

Go back further then. Could you go and get a massage? Get some new clothes? Pretty nightie? I know it sounds daft, but it might help (am by NO means an expert though)

Flirting helps too! Any scope for that?

Listen people...no good tellig the OP to "get a pretty nightie" she says she has NEVER liked sex with her DH!

OP...it is a worry that you had to "force yourself" into being physical with him right from the start..I see that you have not had any other partners and this is also a bother...in my experience its not wise to set up with a man who you have no attraction to! I cannot really understand what you hoped to gain from the relationship apart from love in a non physical way....if he was the same as you well that would be fine, but as it stands he does have some interest in sex and is missing it.

In NO way should you "force yourself" but this issue is not going to improve if you have never ever fancied him...all I can suggest is councelling...

Have you tried the sensate focus exercises in a book such as The sexual healing journey by Wendy Maltz. They are the sort used by counsellors, and are very gentle. Complete opposite of all the 'teach yourself to masturbate' ones involving compulsory purchase of a speculum to look at you cervix iyswim.

Really glad for the replies. Its really getting us down.

Its only recently I read the pill can kill libido. I have a docs apt booked to discuss this. I will try anything.

A pretty nightie sounds great. I have put on so much weight since DC2 that I feel crap. I haven't made any kind of effort to dress up but think this might help.

Simple but very helpful answers. Many thanks. I used to flirt fantastically but not for a while. Need to brush up.

ForMashGetSmash yes it will take more than a nice nightie but every little helps. I do find him attractive but have never enjoyed sex. He doesn't know I have never enjoyed it. He knows I have issues. I realise its not fair to him but I want to sort it and make us happy.

Sorry you're having such problems. I think many relationships have a real mis-match of sexual desire between partners - often with the man being way more up for it than the woman.

Are you taking anti-depressants at the moment? They can definitely dampen sex drive, and can make many people unable to reach orgasm.

Do you know why you might have such a low libido? Is there a history of abuse (obviously you don't have to answer this!).

Also, I'm sure you already know that one of the main symptoms of depression is low sex drive? So perhaps concentrating on treating your depression first will lead to a change in the bedroom - obviously 'biting the bullet' isn't an approach that's worked for you in the past.

I am talking from experience - for two years after having my DS I didn't want sex at all. I made myself do it about once a month. But my DH was always 'after it' and I felt pressured by him to have sex, not in a bad way, but just because his sex drive was fine. I felt, like you, that it was another 'chore' to do and often right at the end of the day, when all I wanted to do was collapse in a heap.

The expectation that sex would happen e.g. if we went away, or someone has DS for a night, really really completely turned me off.

What has helped for me has been therapy. I've been going once a week since May. (I am paying £30 a session, which I really can't afford, and am actually going in to debt for, but I just had to do it). We haven't even really talked about sex much yet, but the effect on my mood has been significant. It's hard to put a finger on exactly what has helped me but it's definitely working. Working so well, in fact, that I had to invest in a vibrator! We're not exactly at it like rabbits now, but I'm enjoying sex a lot more and have had the pleasure of initiating it a few times. For the first time in my life I can actually see what all the fuss about oral sex is about too - miracle! I also invested in some erotic literature to try to stimulate my imagination a bit.

That's the other thing, I guess - never having the thrill of seeking sex out. I don't think men realise that sex is such a psychological process for women. My DH definitely doesn't even though I've explained it to him a million times! For men, sex can be very emotional and psychological, but I think they can also get turned on so quickly and easily, and can easily separate out the physical from the emotional. E.g. my DH would be miffed when I didn't want to have sex when we'd just finished arguing about house work! The lack of empathy and 'mental foreplay' is just such a turn off for me. Is it the same for you?

I'm also wondering - have you ever experienced pleasure during sex? Have you ever reached orgasm? Is there something, anything, other than your husband that turns you on? Even just a little bit?

Thanks tb will look for this book.

ovumahead very interesting. Thank you for being so honest about your experience. I know therapy will help me. I have needed it for a long time. I had a rotten time as a teenager, got in with a much older crowd who pestered for sex. I got away from it all but it made sex feel "wrong" for me.

My DH was my first boyfriend. He was very patient with me. I just have never gotten over not liking sex. I have just faked it all the way for his sake. This was not the right thing to do I know but I was only 19 when I got with him and very daft.

There has never been a time when I've wanted it. I have had "solo" activity in the past that I have enjoyed though not for a while now.

I have soooo many issues and just need to get it all out. I'm on a waiting list so I hope its not much longer to wait.

Being depressed is crap, my psychiatrist says this is why I have no sex drive and to not force it but my DH is clueless and thinks I should just get on with it. Makes me feel like the worlds worst wife!

I think your DH's attitude is selfish, if I'm honest. Depression is an illness, and he needs to understand the effect it has on your libido. Just getting on with it isn't going to turn you on. The only benefit is for him.

Are you in love with him?

And it's fab news that you've had pleasurable solo activity in the past - this means your physical bits and bobs are all working, and that the lack of libido is purely relational and/or related to your depression - which could well be relational as well.

How many therapy sessions are you going to get?

yes stop taking oral contraceptive, i stoped it earlier this year and feel like a diferent person, it did take a while tho. after about 3-4 months i felt like a rampant rabbit. i could not believe the difference it made and my body changed shape as well - spare tyre gone and am back to nice curves now.

i had been on the pill for a bout 15 years but i just think their are things about these modern synthetic hormones they are not testing and not telling.

OP if your DH is rather "large" and this caused problems from the start you might be suffering from vaginisimus (wickipedia link en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus)

If DH was your first/only sexual partner are you sure he did enough foreplay to get you ready for penetration?

And a passing thought if your DH needs/wants sex do you give oral? Most men are content with a BJ (or so I (ahem)gather)

I don't think it's his size that's the problem (unless it wins prizes) but the fact that you were obviously very dry. Did you ever try KY jelly or other lubricants?

Stopping / changing the pill may help, but come to that so may antidepressants.

To echo RandyRussian - how much effort is your DH going to to get you going? Or do you feel so uncomfortable you don't enjoy that?

I'm thinking from re-reading this post that it does seem that the OP is in need of therapy, perhaps therapy focusing on why she is in a relationship with a man that she is not sexually attracted to.

OP - do you think this is the case? I'm wondering if the lack of a sex life between you two is a symptom of a lack of a love life IYSWIM. If there is not warmth, love, respect, closeness, and a desire for you both to be together, then it may be worth you really being honest with yourself about whether this relationship is right for you or not. I know that may sound like I'm jumping the gun a bit, for all I know you could be deeply in love with him, but it strikes me that perhaps you may be rather insecure if you have been with the same man since you were young, despite never enjoying good times in bed. What is keeping you together?

Gosh I think it is a bit much questioning the fundamentals of fireflies' relationship. She has already said that she loves her DH very much. And she wants to make things better.
Thing is though fireflies, if you hung around with a crowd where there was lots of pressure around sex, and you found that scary, then marrying a man you didn't feel that physically attracted to would have made you feel safe. No scary sex coming into the equation.
I don't think this is an issue about you and your husband though and I would not for one second question your whole relationship...I would instead do some delving into your feelings about sex, feelings that go back a very long way. Doctor is a great place to start, therapy would be even better. If you address the negative feelings you have always had about sex, then you might just be able to "let go" as you say and enjoy it all a bit more.

All very interesting replies. I do love my DH very much. Though our relationship is not perfect I would not want to be with anyone else. When I met him I was physically attracted to him and did not envisage all the problems that I have.

I do need to address all the negative feelings I have about sex. I hope that the therapy I have can help with this. It is via the NHS (hence the waiting list) I should be able to have the treatment for as long as it takes.

I am so grateful for all the replies. I know it will not be a short journey but it is a neccessary one.

AS well as the counselling your dh needs to learn how to turn you on mentally and physically which could be a long slow process. I think you need to be more honest with him and explain that you don't get physical or emotional pleasure from it.

Contraceptive pill and antidepressants are both big libido and orgasm killers (as is depression itself), I am speaking from personal experience as well. It took me a long time to learn to let go of my phsychological (sp?!) inhibitions and learn to let go and enjoy sex as well.

Fireflies..I too am on waiting list!

If it helps you are not alone. I have NEVER ever had a sex drive. The same with every partner I had. Just gone along with it usually with alcohol to keep DP happy. It has been 16 months since the last time when our DD was conceived and now feeling the pressure. As running out of excuses now. Lost baby weight/healed up/no longer pregnant etc.

I love my DP very much and find him attractive. Scared of losing him but I just cant bring myself to do it.

I daren't tell him the truth as he will be devastated.

I do need to be more honest for sure. I dont think I am very honest with myself sometimes about it all. I bury my head in the sand.

LittlebearH sounds like we have much in common. Cant tell you how much of a relief it is to know I am not alone! We should start a group! On a serious note I hope you get the help you need soon. Me too.

Can I join? Unfortunately, I feel much the same, OP, most of what you've written I could have too. But, I'm like LittlebearH in that I use alcohol to help me go along with it. My sex drive is not totally absent though but is very low, if was up to me, it would be about once a month. We are TTC at moment and been pushing myself to try as often as poss but its really not enough .

I have had depression too & take anti-depressants which definately have an effect. I've name-changed for this btw, think some of my posts as usual name might be recognisable, and this too sensitive. Sorry I don't have any helpful advice , just wanted to add that you're definately not alone.