Fed up - don't want sex - should I make myself?

[firefliesinjune]

I really don't know what to do.

I have suffered from depression on and off all my life. I have been on and off anti Ds. I have no sex drive at all at the moment. In fact I haven't had one since the birth of my 1st DS over 2 years ago. Since having DD who is 6 months I haven't wanted anything more than a cuddle. My DH (been married 5 years) is understandably fed up with the whole thing. I am waiting for some counselling and have regular contact with a psychiatrist (where I just moan a lot)

I just feel so tired all the time. I never enjoyed our sex life even in the early days (have always had issues with sex) My DH is my 1st partner, I have never been with anyone else.
It sounds awful but I really had to force myself into being physical with him - I love him very much. I find him physically attractive but have no desires at all.

Since having the children I feel I am constantly dealing with demands and my husband just feels like another demand. Its driving me mad.

He knows how I feel but he tells me I should just "bite the bullet" and if I start something sexual then I might enjoy it. This is what I did all the way through our sexual relationship and it wasn't true then so why now? I can't tell him this. He is quite sensitive and it will upset him. I feel like such a CRAP wife.

We don't really argue but DH is not happy. We chat about it every few weeks and get no-where. I wondered whether coming off the pill and trying another type of contraceptive would help. Does the pill dampen sex drive? I know this isn't the cause but maybe it would help.

There are lots of other depressing issues in my life and in the past (hence waiting for councelling) and I want to get well and just feel "normal" but my poor DH has to put up with this and its not fair.

Am I being self absorbed? Should I "bite the bullet" and just get on with it regardless of not wanting to.

Any advice very welcome!

Thanks moanymarg. I am sorry to hear we are all having this problem.

My DH does not drink alcohol. It just doesnt agree with him - so I dont drink either.

If we did maybe I too would get drunk and give it a go. I dont know.

Lets hope we all find what we need. Whatever it is. Thank you for adding to my post xxx

I am on anti depressants too. For anxiety with my 8 month old. She is a terrible sleeper and so I get stressed when she doesnt nap/feed properly for fear that it will affect her sleep overnight. She wakes 3-6 times a night.

To be honest I have always suffered from anxiety. I am very self consious and this plays a part. I have always managed to dodge/get round things (sex included) but with a baby it has forced me to admit this is not normal. When it comes to sex, I cant let go and hate it. I have got so used to pretending I like it that it is like I just "perform" and so this has become a habit.

I have always suffered with anxiety too LittleBearH. My DD is 6 months and sleeps terribly. She is in the bed with us most nights as I breastfeed and its the only way I get any sleep. We are up between 5 and 6 every morning.

I cannot let go when it comes to sex. I just want it over asap. Its like going through the motions but I am not at all mentally connected. I have tried and tried to no avail to get mentally involved. We have not had sex since we conceived my DD. Thats a loooong time. It makes me feel like a failure.

I wish we all lived close so we could get together and have a good moan. I dont really have any friends.

Ahh well you are in the same boat as me then!! I too have not done it since DD was conceived. It now 16 months! It is a miracle that I even have a DD.

See the trouble is BF/baby/lack of sleep stops you getting drunk so there is no way I could do it sober. Is that true of you too?

I had a traumatic delivery and it has taken 6 months to get back to "normal" down there and I really am out of excuses.

I have stopped bf now. Other than I cannot drink because I am on meds. But then DP will say why do have to drink....?

I get cross because I dont understand why sex is so important. It is not like eating or sleeping. I could happily live without it. Plus all I want to do in bed is sleep FFS. :)

Hey at least we can have a good moan here together.

Fireflies, do you really not have any friends? What about before DD? TBH I cant talk to my friends about this as they will prob say I am mental. :)

It is true of me too! I go to bed at about 10pm every night as I am exhausted. I am a SAHM and my DH works P/T but the bulk of the housework and childcare is down to me so I am pretty run down all the time.

My DH has a good moan at me about the lack of sex about every 2 weeks. I say the same things. I am shattered. I have no urges. I dont feel very "sexy". I am depressed. I am doing ALL I can to stay sane!

I wondered about the pill dampening my sex drive (though I know its much deeper than that) so I have made a docs apt to discuss this. My DH is happy about this. He doesnt care how it happens he just wants to have sex.

I could happily live without sex too, I have never had a good experience with it so its not like I am missing something. Ive never had it! I do feel bad for DH but he knew how much of a problem it was for me from the beginning. We dont really argue about it but as I say he does moan and it makes me feel crap.

How about your DH is he very fed up? Does it cause arguments?

I have never really had any close friends, I dont socialise (I have too many issues!) I cant wait for some therapy. Sometimes feel like I just need a good moan. I thought I would be alone in this problem.

My DP is really fed up. The trouble is he asks me if I want it like he is asking me if I want a sandwich. I tell him he needs to put some effort in as it would make it easier for me but he says what is the point as he still would get turned down. So it is a vicious circle.

You can moan as much as you like. I am listening. Although I wish there was an easy solution :)

"It is true of me too! I go to bed at about 10pm every night as I am exhausted. I am a SAHM and my DH works P/T but the bulk of the housework and childcare is down to me so I am pretty run down all the time."

Ah well there's at least part of your answer for him then. If he doesn't want you to be too knackered for sex, he should do some of the housework. Especially if he works P/T

My DH does need to do more housework! He tells me off for "doing too much" and says I should do less.

Believe me unless we want to live in a hovel then I cant do less.

I told him fine I can do less but this means HE has to do more, strange how this conversation hasnt come up since.

I had a moan to a pyschiactric nurse about him and she says I should not put up with it etc etc and if he wont change I need to leave. I was a bit

Yes my DH also is pretty blunt about the whole thing..." I just want a shag"...what a turn on...not. LittleBear our DH sound quite similar.

I think you need to talk to your DH about this and enlist his support for the help you are trying to get. If you communicate about it he will hopefully be understanding, if You don't he may feel rejected and unhappy which might have implications for the long term future of your marriage. If there is anything at all that just generally makes you feel better about your self and in particular your body I think you should develop that - new clothes, exercise, dancing, all these things can lift a flagging libido and encourage positive thought.

Have name changed also but as the name says, it's not just you.

I used to love sex - DH and I (when we first met) were at it like rabbits. He is the only person I have had sex with as well.

We have two DC who are 7 and 5 and in the past year we have had sex about 4 times probably. I have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past (although still have tenancies) and think this may have affected my lack of interest in sex but who knows really.

I went to see the dcotor recently and had blood tests to check if anything was physically wrong. Not surprisingly there wasn't. Went back to doctor and he said that DH and I could come in for a appt to see if we could arrange some sort of sexual counselling I suppose. I did talk to DH about it but I don't think he wants to .

This probably sounds weird but have no one else to talk to about it, but DH will start fiddling around with me and then trying to stick his penis up my bottom which I hate . He tried that recently in the middle of the night and is somehow surprised when I viurtually yelp in pain . And of course I feel shit about it again. I have to talk to him about how I hate him doing that but how am I meant to say that I so hate what he tries to do?

I think some counselling would help us but not sure. There are things I have done a few years ago which have affected my attitude to sex. It is probably me with the problem but I think I need help to sort it out.

Sorry that was rather longer than I intended.

Oh poor notjustyou. Wtf does your DH think he's doing? If that's his idea of sex it's definitely not just you with the problem.

Firefliesinjune a lot of what you say sounds familiar except that pre-pregnancy we had a good sex life, and for me it's mainly pregnancy then breastfeeding hormones that messed up my libido.

Not sure I can offer help at all, but one thing which can't be helping is sleeping with your DD and breastfeeding round the clock. I think you need some alone time where your body is just yours, before you want to leap into having sex. IYSWIM. But sounds like you have more problems than that.

What Cargirl said "AS well as the counselling your dh needs to learn how to turn you on mentally and physically which could be a long slow process. I think you need to be more honest with him and explain that you don't get physical or emotional pleasure from it." Perhaps you could get specialist sex counselling?

I am similar in that I have little sex drive, but do love my DH. I found the pill got rid of any sex drive I may have had, so DH had the snip. I think exercise helps you feel better. Also never try anything without lube. And a glass of wine might help a bit too. We do it once a week, I'm sure DH would like more but this seems ok as a compromise.

notjustyou I am sorry you are having a bad time of it too. I am not sure what to say about your DH doing that. Thats just wrong.

In the beginning with my DH we kept trying for vaginal sex and it hurt so much that it always ended in tears. Sadly our first kind of sex was anal. Very strange how that was somehow easier.

It took about a year before we had proper sex and have not been back to the anal since. It makes me feel sick to think of it.

Our sex life at the beginning was about getting stoned (this was before my DC) watching lots of porn and trying many toys. I did this for DH as he suggested it and I went along pretending all was fine. I look back and shudder. I wont have that again. If I am to regain my sex drive I need to be mentally into what we are doing. I am scared my sex drive is just non existent.

I have started my first diet today as I want to lose 3 dress sizes. I hate my body. This obviously doesnt help. Also need to get off the pill as I do keep being told it doesnt help with sex drive.

My DH would not go to any kind of therapy with me.

fireflies are you scared of having sex? Your early sexual experiences sound quite traumatic, in that you didn't want to do those things but you did them anyway. Why did you force yourself in to doing something you didn't want to do? What did you gain from it? I mean that last question in all seriousness - there must have been some need driving your behaviour. Was it a need to be close to someone, to your man? But now something has changed. You seem to be berating yourself for not being able to force yourself in to having sex that you don't want - but surely that's a good thing? You're being more honest with yourself now, it seems. You don't want to have sex, and you're not. That is self respect, is it not?

I had the pain problem too. Used to tear and bleed with every encounter. Absolute agony. My first fiance left me because of it. You can imagine that was a bit of a challenge to get over. Childbirth and episiotomy have probably cured you physically? I got mine sorted through surgery years ago. The consultant told me it was wholly anatomical - nothing to do with dryness or anything like that. Muscles too tight, needed to be 'loosened up'.

It does leave you with a psychological block. Although DH is behaving in an impatient manner at the moment, it's probably because he doesn't understand. So do try and explain it to him. Ask him for his help.

Don't think of it as a performance or something you have to enjoy. You're putting to much pressure on yourself and the act. Try and relax and enjoy the closeness and tenderness with your DH. If he's a bit of a 'wham, bam, thank you man' sort of guy, he's going to need a bit of reeducation. As you've flown solo, you know what to do. And don't expect it to happen perfectly to start with (and explain that to him) - it takes practice. Maybe try and use fantasies to turn yourself on.

Talk to your husband. Work on trying to relax yourself psychologically and work with him so he can arouse you physically. Guide him. And tell him you're frightened. He does sound like a nice man.

Working on your physical relationship together might help you with your depression. I'm convinced orgasms have a purpose in helping with feelings of wellbeing. Men know this instinctively, women less so, probably because it's harder to achieve.

Your posts are ringing loud clanging bells for me, some - most! - of it is so close to home.

We have sex once every 4 or 5 weeks I guess, and tbh if it was down to me I don't think it would ever happen. I have no desire for it at all. DH nags sometimes, sometimes try to make a joke of it - I know he's fed up but it just feels like another demand, something else someone wants me to do. I'm currently at home with three dcs under 4 (inc twins of 20 months). Neither pregnancies were easy, both ended up with c-sections. Both times my wound got infected and i was in quite bad pain for a good 6 weks or so. I also have severe endometriosis, and that sometimes has caused sex to be painful. Even 20 months on my tummy round my section scar is tender and won't take much rough treatment. I'm tired beyond belief - haven't had 24 hours to myself in almost four years - and if I go to bed I just want to bloody sleep!

I hope you can get the help you want, OP. Take comfort from knowing you're far from alone

ovumahead You are right sex is scary for me. I have forced myself into it as its what my DH wanted. I didnt want to lose him. Wanted to be "normal". I have further damaged my feelings about sex by forcing myself so I no longer want to force it. I want to WANT it. My DH doesnt get this, he thinks if I just get on with it I will enjoy it. I cant tell him I hate sex. He knows I find it difficult but if he knew how I really felt I think that would be the end for us.

wannabeglam you are right after my DS it did not hurt so much physically. I think part of my problem was physical and now is just mental. Thankyou for your advice. There is so much pressure and thats not helping.

pollyblue You are doing a fantastic job as a Mum. You have so much to deal with I think its fantastic you are still managing to have some sex. I think as DC get older it will help as having such little dependants is tough. So tough.

Thanks for all of your replies. All good thinking fuel for me.

Be kind to yourself, fireflies. As people have said, you're in the worst stage of life for any sort of libido, even without the other issues.

I never want to do anything other than sleep in bed these days. I never feel like it in advance, although if I go along with it, I pretend to enjoy it and usually by the end I'm getting into it! Even if not, I feel better afterwards (another job ticked off the list!).

I don't have any answers, but I agree about the emotional preparation/foreplay. You could try pointing out that cleaning the kitchen for you is pretty good foreplay in your books... :)

My DP told me this morning I am lucky so far he has not gone out and fucked someone else.
As 17 months without sex is mugging him off.

Littlebear, :(. My DH asked me once if I'd be bothered if he slept with someone at work who'd made clear she was available. I had been in and out of hospital in a different country from him for about nine months. Fortunately, I was almost completely better by then and returned home soon after and made sure I was "available" to him, even though I had a small baby and sex was the last thing I wanted for myself.

He was harsh... but there is truth in there somewhere. I only mean that a relationship can't survive in the long term without sex. (Except under very special circumstances.)

Look, I think the really, really common factor here, the problem that all of you have is that YOU don't have anything wrong with you. The problem is THE MEN'S BEHAVIOUR.
Your partners are skiving off their share of the domestic work while whining for sex. By doing so, they turn sex into another chore you are supposed to perform for their benefit, it's become a service you have to provide them with. Nothing kills the libido like resentment of a partner who is treating you like a domestic appliance with a fuckhole in it.
Also, all these men sound like they are absolute shit in bed - selfish and clumsy. Particularly the OP's - because you hadn't had sex before, OP, this bloke was able to convince you that 'real' sex involves you lying there and letting him get on with it presumably.
FIrst step, honestly, is to point out to your partners that men who do their fair share of housework are the ones who get better and more satisfying sex. Second step is to have a think about what you would actually like to do sexually and suggest your DPs put a bit more effort into that department as well.

I hadn't picked up on the fact your baby is still getting you up in the night. I didn't resume conjugal rights till babies slept through. We didn't even sleep in the same room, so my DH could get a decent night's sleep (long journeys, stressfull job)!

I don't know how unusual that is, but we had unusually collicky babies. My DH fully understood.

Marriages are hopefully long and during them there are ups and downs (just like life). A new baby can hit a family like a tornado. But the storm does die down and normal life resumes.

Hopefully your counselling and baby sleeping will coincide. Then maybe you can a few of the suggestions on the post.

Good luck.

Solid I'm loving the domestic appliance analogy. Well said. It does seem to me that there is a real communication issue in these women's relationships, and that combined with a clumsy and selfish approach to sex from their DHs, it's just a recipe for disaster.

What I'm left wondering is - how the OP, and some of the others in this thread, ever going to make these relationships work? It seems that despite knowing that their men are being incredibly unfair, demanding and massively uncaring, that they still hold themselves responsible and almost wouldn't or couldn't dare to encourage the man to change. I think the anxiety within these relationships comes from knowing that unless you change, the relationship in all likelihood will end. I hope to goodness this is not true, but from what's been written here, it does seem to be the case. Since it seems that these women are with these men through fear of being alone, they inevitably will have to grin a bear it. That is so incredibly sad. OP are you frightened of being alone?