Fed up - don't want sex - should I make myself?

[firefliesinjune]

I really don't know what to do.

I have suffered from depression on and off all my life. I have been on and off anti Ds. I have no sex drive at all at the moment. In fact I haven't had one since the birth of my 1st DS over 2 years ago. Since having DD who is 6 months I haven't wanted anything more than a cuddle. My DH (been married 5 years) is understandably fed up with the whole thing. I am waiting for some counselling and have regular contact with a psychiatrist (where I just moan a lot)

I just feel so tired all the time. I never enjoyed our sex life even in the early days (have always had issues with sex) My DH is my 1st partner, I have never been with anyone else.
It sounds awful but I really had to force myself into being physical with him - I love him very much. I find him physically attractive but have no desires at all.

Since having the children I feel I am constantly dealing with demands and my husband just feels like another demand. Its driving me mad.

He knows how I feel but he tells me I should just "bite the bullet" and if I start something sexual then I might enjoy it. This is what I did all the way through our sexual relationship and it wasn't true then so why now? I can't tell him this. He is quite sensitive and it will upset him. I feel like such a CRAP wife.

We don't really argue but DH is not happy. We chat about it every few weeks and get no-where. I wondered whether coming off the pill and trying another type of contraceptive would help. Does the pill dampen sex drive? I know this isn't the cause but maybe it would help.

There are lots of other depressing issues in my life and in the past (hence waiting for councelling) and I want to get well and just feel "normal" but my poor DH has to put up with this and its not fair.

Am I being self absorbed? Should I "bite the bullet" and just get on with it regardless of not wanting to.

Any advice very welcome!

I am not frightened of being alone and my DP is not selfish. Empathy is not his strong point though. And now he is just fed up of being rejected. I can sort of see his point. I love him very much and he is a good dad.

I have been with enough men (sadly) to know it about me and issues with my anxiety and my body image. That is why I cannot enjoy sex and it is worse since having DD. Because I am not confident I would always need to have had a drink and blagged enjoying myself that it has become a habit. As I would be mortified if DP thought I wasnt enjoying it.

It has been so long now I am scared even more. I am also tired as DD wakes 4-6 times a night.

I am 33 years old and have never had sex sober or with the lights on. I just cant.

I have been put on anti deps that apparently kill off a sex drive. I have NEVER had one.

So it cant be DP can it??

Fireflies, not stealing your thread on purpose!! Just we are fairly similiar I think.

My point of view may be unpopular but here goes. I see marriage as an arrangement where a woman gets stability (financial and emotional) to rear children and pursue dreams and have companioship as she gets older (and generally less attractive). A man can get these things without being married and a wife is not just a housemate, therefore, there has to be a benefit of marriage - which I believe is regular sex. I am not a stepford wife but in order to have a stable and happy home for my children, I have regular sex with my husband at least once a week. Men need sex to feel loved and appreciated (rightly or wrongly). I believe we have such a happy home because I initiate sex and he feels content, therefore, he is happy to help with housework and go to work all day and provide financially for us because he is appreciated. He doesn't feel he is provding money and a good home for nothing in return. Also, because he helps with housework and is kind in many other ways, I then want sex with him.

Sounds like a virtuous circle - and the end result is not really so different from those who say "Just do it"

humanbib it doesn't sound like you have a history of issues related to sex and your body, just perhaps that you want sex slightly less that your DH? In which case, your description of how you deal with things doesn't lend itself well to the situations being described here, which seem to be more complicated and related to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and attachment issues. Interesting point though - and pretty much how my relationship works with my DH now!

OP, it isn't o.k. for your husband to try to pressure you into sex he knows full well you do not want.

Pestering, whining, using language that makes you feel uncomfortable (I just want a shag), telling you to just bite the bullet when he knows that you do not want to - these things are sexually abusive.

You are under no obligation to have sex that you do not want. By all means go to counselling if you feel it would help you to be generally happier, but you are not going to feel desire for this man while he continues to treat you this way.

Sex is not his god given right. It is supposed to be a mutually intimate and pleasurable experience.

If your DH is your first, how would you know he was large or not?
Maybe as others have said, he was just not very good at getting you in the mood. Maybe he is a poor lover- how would you know differently?

You obviously have had sex as you have 2 DCs- how did you feel then?

Are you on anti ds now?

It might help to know why he was your first- was this a choice that comes out of your culture, or was it a choice you made ? Did you want any man physically before him, or did it just never happen?

i admit to not reading every post but it might help you to see a link between previous and current relationships.

LittlebearH: OK your problems with sex may have a different cause and you might well benefit from seeing a psychosexual counsellor. But the other posters on this thread are definitely being put off sex by selfish arsehole men.
And btw, a lot of crap men want domestic service much more than they want sex with their wives. Many are perfectly happy for the wives to be sexually reluctant as they think it justifies them shagging around, hence the bullying of the woman into feeling that a) it;s all her faut and b) that the worst thing that could possibly happen is Being Single, and that the price of Keeping A Man means tiptop domestic service, opening your legs reluctantly every now and again and also putting up with his extramarital sex.

SGB talks a lot of sense.

My overwhelming feeling reading this thread is how sad these situations are. Your partners have no right to moan and whinge about not getting it and as for suggesting you are luck they haven't been elsewhere that is disgusting. These are men who claim to love you, you are the mothers of their children. A bit of bloody respect would't go amiss.

It is sad. I feel like some sort of freak. People always bragging about how good sex is and how they get randy on certain days of the month or in summer etc. Feel like an outsider. I have never had an urge. I need to work out whether it is because I am not body confident or there is more wrong with me.

Humanbib, the so called 'arrangement' that you describe is one of glorified prostitution. Men have every right to expect regular sex in return for providing financial stability??!!! Which century did you arrive from?

Sex is not something that women 'provide.' It it supposed to be a mutually loving and pleasurable experience.

littlebear ask your GP to refer you for psycho sexual counselling.

You need to get to the bottom of this, but lack of sleep and anti ds will kill off the horniest person's sex drive!

I suppose what worries me is that you have had lots of sex but never wanted it really- why have you done so? You must surely have done so to conform or to meet someone's expectations?

It is sorry. When I'm cross, I typo.

littlebear I truely believe that you need to examine your DH's behaviour in relation to your sexual relationship - you are unfairly shouldering too much of the responsibility and therefore the blame.

Decent men do not tell their wives that they should be grateful they haven't been elsewhere.

Decent men do not ask for sex like they are requesting a sandwich - they show their partners a bit of love and attention, make them feel wanted.

Finally decent men don't just get "fed up" and refuse to engage, they face up to the situation and work through it with their partners rather then allow them to blame themselves

Purplepeony - You are exactly right. To conform to expectations. Men want sex, it is just something I went along with.

Then you must stop right now and get your head sorted out.

No excuses- just do it.

I amnot surprised you are depressed if you are constantly battling with something as basic as your sexual drive and connected emotions, along with no sleep.

Along with with a lot of good suggestions here I would suggest some good written porn (or at least sexy fiction like Jilly Cooper).
Some of the partners here have behaved pretty badly, (and some appallingly), but I'm not sure how well I'd behave if DH was too depressed for sex for a year - I'd try to do and say the right thing, but I'm sure he'd feel some pressure/guilt anyway.

Do you honestly think that reading a Jilly Cooper novel is going to sort out the OP?
If it was that easy i think she would have sorted it by now.

Thanks for the advice. Am currently on a CBT waiting list. Will keep trying to talk to DP too. Will keep an open mind and maybe we can try and work through it.

Just from Fireflie's OP and the others Lostinafrica, Pollyblue and Wannabeglam who feel similiar helps a little, knowing it isn't just me.

No I don't obviously - she has serious underlying problems, which can, we all hope, be addressed by some of the strategies suggested above but I do think that that some good written porn might be a helpful additional top up to some posters' libido, including the OP and very unstressful.

(meant to say "including the OP eventually")

Makeyourowndamndinner: I would argue that my arrangement is NOT glorified prostitution. A relationship is about give and take for men and women. A man doesn?t want to feel like a meal ticket and a woman doesn?t want to be a domestic slave. We are happy and there is mutual love and pleasure because we both give and take.

I agree that FirefliesinJune has issues that are more complex and I am not unsympathetic. But I see many threads where the man is communicating clumsily that he is not happy.

It is easy for people to say that nobody should do anything they don?t want to. But, in reality, people the world over have to do things they don?t want to and that is awful. I?m simply suggesting that it is not the worst thing in the world for a woman to have sex with the man she picked.

If the man?s worries are addressed then he will eventually leave ? just like people often recommend that woman leaves a marriage when she is not happy. People say they would do anything for their family and children ? then having sex once a month with a husband is not the worst thing in the world if it keeps a family together and happy. Being a single parent can be far more difficult than having to ?put out? once a month with a decent man

If people have such issues with sex, then perhaps they shouldn?t marry. It would be kinder to simply move in with a friend who can offer companionship.

I think you have omitted the word not.

If the man?s worries are not??? addressed then he will eventually leave...

you are a man, aren't you?

i doubt if one woman here will agree with you, but I also suspect that what you describe happens. It could be summed up by the phrase "My husband's a good man; he doesn't bother me much".

or even "pull my nighty down when you are finished, will you".

But I doubt if either of these are commendable ways of living, given the choice.

Humanbib: If everything else in the relationship is fine (ie the man is doing his share of the domestic work and childcare rather than considering himself, as the Man, the one who gets everything done for him) then, when there is a libido mismatch, it sometimes does work out to be a happy compromise that the lower libido partner agrees to have sex some of the time when s/he is not that bothered. As long as the compromise includes the high-libido partner accepting that s/he will not get to have sex every single time s/he wants it and accepts that without whining.

LittlebearH: from what you have posted I wonder if you might find this website interesting or helpful?

Humanbib, I have to say that I am appalled by your attitude that a woman has a duty to provide her husband with sex as part of a marriage arrangement - whether she wants to or not. I mean really quite shocked.

The OP's partner is not communicating clumsily that he is unhappy. Neither is he a decent man. He is pressurising her into sex that he knows full well she does not want. What sort of man wants to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to? The sort of man who believes the exact same thing as you - that men own women, that they have an entitlement to sex, and that women have no right to say no.

So 'putting out' once a month even if it repulses you is worth it for the sake of keeping everyone happy is it? What about the OP's happiness? Or doesn't that count for anything?

I do love my DH very much and I know he loves me. He is not perfect. He gets frustrated. I think we need some therapy together but he would not go.

I am hoping my therapy will push me in the right direction. Whatever this is. I hate confrontation and often am a bit of a martyr when it comes to things. I need to tell my DH what I need but I am not confident enough to assert myself.

I hope my therapy will give me some confidence. I think it will be a long road.
My DH is rubbish at housework and this really does not help me. I feel resentful. We have a lot in common but have become stuck. He is great with the children. Though he is not so good with my DD 6months as she is very clingy with me.

I will not have sex with him because its my duty one thing I have realised since having children is I am a person with feelings that matter and regardless of how difficult it makes things I should not force myself.

My husband knows this. I guess it is just frustration talking when he moans on. He just wants this to be resolved and he has no clue how to help.

Neither do I. (Though more help with the house/children would be nice)

I have some serious issues with sex in general this much is clear. I hope to see a light at the end of the tunnel once I start talking in therapy.

Thanks for all your input so far anyway. It has shown me I should NOT force myself.