Fed up - don't want sex - should I make myself?

[firefliesinjune]

I really don't know what to do.

I have suffered from depression on and off all my life. I have been on and off anti Ds. I have no sex drive at all at the moment. In fact I haven't had one since the birth of my 1st DS over 2 years ago. Since having DD who is 6 months I haven't wanted anything more than a cuddle. My DH (been married 5 years) is understandably fed up with the whole thing. I am waiting for some counselling and have regular contact with a psychiatrist (where I just moan a lot)

I just feel so tired all the time. I never enjoyed our sex life even in the early days (have always had issues with sex) My DH is my 1st partner, I have never been with anyone else.
It sounds awful but I really had to force myself into being physical with him - I love him very much. I find him physically attractive but have no desires at all.

Since having the children I feel I am constantly dealing with demands and my husband just feels like another demand. Its driving me mad.

He knows how I feel but he tells me I should just "bite the bullet" and if I start something sexual then I might enjoy it. This is what I did all the way through our sexual relationship and it wasn't true then so why now? I can't tell him this. He is quite sensitive and it will upset him. I feel like such a CRAP wife.

We don't really argue but DH is not happy. We chat about it every few weeks and get no-where. I wondered whether coming off the pill and trying another type of contraceptive would help. Does the pill dampen sex drive? I know this isn't the cause but maybe it would help.

There are lots of other depressing issues in my life and in the past (hence waiting for councelling) and I want to get well and just feel "normal" but my poor DH has to put up with this and its not fair.

Am I being self absorbed? Should I "bite the bullet" and just get on with it regardless of not wanting to.

Any advice very welcome!

I think you are doing really well fireflies to realise that this is an issue for you that needs addressing, it's so easy to stick your head in the sand for years and do nothing about it which is not fair on either of you. (I am speaking from past experience). Good luck with the therapist.

Sending you all the good will in the world Fireflies. I really hope that you reach a place where you feel happier and stronger, and in which you are getting your needs met. Therapy can be a very long road, but sometimes it can be surprising how just little changes can make a significant difference to your self esteem quite quickly. x

Makeyourowndamndinner: I think you are misunderstanding me when I am being realistic. In an ideal world we would all have wonderful relationships where noone does anything they don't like. But the reality is that sex is a big issue for men.

A woman can decide that she does not want sex and that's fine but it is unfair to complain when a man decides he can't live like that and leaves. I agree we shouldn't live in fear of being alone but many people aren't happy alone. If they are happy alone then they really can make that choice.

I am not a man and find it disappointing that people can't acknowledge a controversial opinion without assuming that the poster is lying.

How about reversing the situation? What if there was a man on dadsnet explaining that his wife was demanding more affection and she would leave if she did not get it. If he felt uncomfortable showing affection, would you recommend that he try and give her what she wants to make the relationship happy or simply say he should refuse because nobody should do anything they don't like and see an otherwise good relationship end?

o.k. Humanbib, I'd like to address some of the points you make. Before I do so, can I just say that it wasn't me who suggested that you were a man.

I think that however reasonably you try to word your argument, the attitude inherent in it shows itself time and again.

"The reality is that sex is a big issue for men"

But not for women? I repeat, sex is not something that women do for men. It is not a service that women have some sort of duty to provide. It is a mutually consensual expression of desire and intimacy and love. If a man has sex with a woman in the knowledge that she does not really want to, then that is not consensual sex. That is an extremely serious crime. It matters not a jot how long they have been married or what he may 'provide' for her financially or otherwise.

Now. I have never said that I believed it would be unreasonable for someone to leave a marriage in which their needs were being continually unmet. I am a woman with a fairly high sex drive and I know that I could not and would not live happily in a sexless marriage. I would eventually leave. If my partner wanted to work on their issues then of course I would be supportive of that but what I would NEVER EVER do is attempt to coerce or pressure them into having sex that I knew they did not want, in order to 'keep' me. I would accept their feelings and the situation for what it was, respect their absolute right to say no, give the situation a reasonable chance to improve, and then make a decision as to what I wanted to do with my life. I would be horrified if I suspected that my partner was forcing themselves to go through the motions in order to appease me. They would be dishonouring themselves and me! The thought of having sex with a reluctant partner makes me feel slightly ill to be honest. I cannot imagine how anyone could derive any pleasure from it.

I actually find your point of view extremely offensive.

The idea that sex is purely for a man's benefit is hugely toxic and I agree with MYODD - offensive too.
Any decent man would rather go without sex than have it with an unenthusiastic and unwilling partner.

Dittany said:Have you thought that not wanting to have sex with your husband is a rational response fireflies? Nobody has even mentinoed that you have two children under three, one of them only six months old.

I did!

I said it was not at all surprising that she didn't want sex, as she had a tiny baby who kept her up 6 times a night, and was also on anti ds.

OP I think you need to separate your sexual feelings from the man you are with, if that makes sense.

I don't want to spout psycho babble, but it seems pretty clear that after such an horrendous experience with him- the anal sex and pain etc- that your mind has shut down as far as sex with him is concerned.

You seem to be trying to rationalise what is possibly a normal psychological response to something that threatened your wellbeing.

How he treated you amounts to abuse, or almost rape.

Rather than think about how to turn on your libido, you might also want to consider whether you want to stay with this man.

What Purplepeony has described happened to me once OP. When I was much younger I had a partner who would become pushy and a bit nasty verbally sometimes if I said no to sex. He just couldn't take no for an answer. He also did a couple of things in bed that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. After a very short amount of time my mind and body just seemed to close ranks against him. I couldn't bring myself to touch him or allow him to touch me. He started to repulse me. At the time I agonised over what my problem was. Now I realise that the problem was him.

I don't want to assume that this is what is going on with you - because I can't know. I was just wondering if perhaps it struck a chord...

I usually avoid posting on these threads as i am tempted to say straight away what Dittany and others have said and i usually get flamed for it.

Im not at all surprised to hear that sex with him has been painfull and unpleasant , i wouldnt want sex with him either . I know posters were trying to help , but comments about stopping the pill / pretty nightys / possible depression and therapy really sadden me as people tend to assume that if a woman doesnt want sex theres something wrong with her .

Theres usually a very good reason that a woman doesnt want sex with a partner which Ovumhead rightly picked up on.
I think its the husband who needs therapy actually.

The husband needs a good kick in the cock IMO. Fireflies, have you tried pointing out to him that pulling his weight domestically might help? I bet you have and he's ignored the suggestion because he's not interested in compromise, he thinks you exist entirely for his benefit.

Again many thanks for all your replies. I do see what you are saying. I have thought about leaving my DH before as I have been so unhappy. The thought of being on my own does not bother me but the thought of not having him in my life does bother me. I do love him. I think he has taken advantage of me in the past and now he is paying for it. You are right that I have somehow "closed ranks" as I have been through too much. I dont know if I will ever be able to come out the other side "normal" but I will try!

Why do I still love him? After all that has been. I just do. He has many good points. I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. Only thing to sort it is to talk and talk probably. He has issues yes. Perhaps when I feel my head is sorted I will be able to turn around and tell him this.

I am very touched by all your concerns and thoughts on this. I dont have any friends (my own fault) and even if I did I dont think I could talk to them about this. So thankyou.

I'd say that the last few posts and your too OP make the point quite clearly.
Again, I don't want to come over as a psychiatrist as i am not, but I do read a lot. you may recall that there are many examples of women who actually fall in love with their "captors"- like the girl in Austria who was imprisoned in a basement, raped and had his children. Similar things can happen to women who are taken hostage.

The mind does powerful things in order to boost our survival.

What i think you are experiencing is that your sexual side, which is controlled by your unconscious mind , is telling you one thing- keep away from this man who has hurt you- whilst another part of you has become dependent on him and is feeling that this is "love". In order to maintain this dependency you have subconsciously allowed yourself to focus on his "good points" - but the instinctive side of your brain, which controls sex, cannot be fooled by "rational thoughts" is telling you to shut him out.

No on here can tell you to leave him, but given that you already have mental health issues, I would seriously suggest you have some very good therapy for yourself and also consider ways of extracting yourself from what seems to be a very destructive relationship.

Sorry, but I think that some people have gone overboard here. This is clearly a really difficult situation for the OP and I'm not sure how labelling her partner an abuser and telling her to leave is helping the situation. She has made it pretty clear that she loves him and has explained some practical steps she is taking to address what is going on. That sounds reasonable, and I genuinely hope for her success.

Just a few observations re the other comments:

• Whilst the OPs post about anal sex, porn and being stoned is pretty shocking, it doesn't make her DP an abuser. I'm not saying that it wasn't abuse either - simply that it is a massive call to make when no-one on this board has met either of these people. The fact that since they managed vaginal sex they haven't been back to anal suggests that it was an 'interim measure' (I recognise that this is possibly the most inappropriate use of the term ever). The OP also suggests that she didn't like it, but never that she didn't willingly engage in this behaviour. Subsequent posts suggest that she has actually got some well defined boundaries regarding sex now (and actually OP, this is progress so really well done).

• Its a real shame that DP won't attend counselling/therapy with OP. If sex is an issue for one person in a relationship then it is automatically an issue for both people, and both people need help.

• It is obviously not a woman's obligation to provide her partner with sex whenever he wants it. By the same token though, there are times when either partner may agree to sex even if they don't feel like it because they recognise that the person they love really wants the emotional, physical, whatever comfort that it brings. I'm a bloke, and I've done this for my wife, just as she's done it for me. I'm guessing that OP probably isn't at this stage yet, but may get there at some point.

Sex is a pretty significant part of the vast majority of relationships, all I would suggest is that though your feelings about sex may have been set in stone for some time, this is no longer just your issue. Your posts suggest that your DP may have issues as well that extend beyond the simple 'I'm not getting any' type. It sounds to me like you need help with your depression, which you are hopefully getting soon (well done) and that this is a root cause, but even once the root cause has been addressed I think as a couple you may have to address the issues caused by your physical relationship (or lack of it) over the last few years. All I can do is wish you the best of luck really.

deep I don't think that posters have gone overboard.
I take your point that in many cases, a partner will be a bit reluctant for sex as they might feel tired etc etc but will go ahead anyway, in a loving way.

But have you read the OPs posts about how when she couldn't have vaginal sex, due to the pain, they had anal? What that seemed to convey was that her husband, rather than back off, or put more effort into foreplay , was simply keen to satisfy his own selfish needs.

It might be a very simple case of the drugs she takes- the ADs- killing her sex drive, which they are known to do. But it could be more than that. The legacy of how sex was initially may be hard-wired into her psyche in a way that means she is never going to be able to respond.

There is evidence in her post that she is emotionally dependent on him and all I pointed out was that this can override the rational side of the mind which believes the person is not really a good person to be with.

People can confuse dependency with "love" and can also convince themselves they love someone becasue the alternative is too awful to accept.

My DH has a stronger libido than me, esp at the moment with a 17 mth old DD. I don't think I have initiated sex in months. I do feel up for it at certain times of the month, and I tend to be a bit flirty with DH - he doesn't need encouragement.

The other times initially I feel quite tired and take it or leave it, but he makes a lot of effort to get me in the mood doing the things I like - and then I DO get in the mood and enjoy it and am very involved sexually.

THere is a difference between needing your DH to give you a jumpstart, but then gettinge excited and enjoying it, and going along with it the whole way through, hating it and not feeling turned on. I think the latter is not healthy.

Although, Bumpsadaisie, can you tell beforehand which of those options you will take?

OP...I really feel for you, please discuss the concerns raised here with your psychiatrist.

deepheat, with all due respect getting a hard on and penetrating someone can't happen unless you're in the mood, whereas most woman can't be penetrated with little or no sexual desire and so it's not really the same as you making yourself get in the mood.....not at all.

did you mean "CAN be penetrated with little or no sexual desire..." or am I confused?

Lostinafrica

No, can't really tell - but DH knows how to press my buttons and I usually get in the mood pretty quickly once he does those things!

Its funny with me - I can go from sex being the last thing I want to being quite fired up within the space of a few of minutes, if DH does the right things.

There are a few times when I really really am not in the mood, despite DHs best efforts - on those occasions I've said "sorry this really just isn't happening for me it doesn't feel right" and we stop.

Then either he says "not to worry I'm quite tired too", or if he is very desperate we have a cuddle while he sorts himself out and sometimes I help him. We did the latter a lot while I was pregnant as I was very much not in the mood towards the end.