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Original poster

FIL let DS run onto busy road

107 replies

anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:01

The in laws have been looking after our 2 DS's during half term. When I came home from work today DS1 (7) told me that DS (4) ran onto the road while out with granny and grandpa. In laws who overheard said 'now don't be telling tales'. Ds 1 didn't say anything but later I asked him what he meant and he said that DS 2 had run onto the road while grandpa was walking them home. Now, I was pretty shook up about this and went back to ask In Laws. I was quite concerned as we live in a very busy inner city area and always tell MILs too keep hold of little one's hand and that the adult with him should be able to chase him as he can be defiant and want to walk on his own. But in laws went into the shopping area today and then while MIL stayed in shops, FIL took it upon himself to walk back to the house (about 1 mile) with the two boys. Now, he is 72, in need of a hip replacement and cannot run. I confronted him about this and he says he held DS2 hand all the way until he became too uncontrollable and he let him go. DS2 just then set off and ran onto an intersection near our house. FIL was unable to chase him. My MIL says that FIL walked off on his own back against her wishes but she knows how Little One can be a handful. They are now upset at me for being 'hysterical' and claim that the little one isn't disciplined firmly enough. FIL wants to hit him to control him. DH heard all this and said nothing to support me, other than telling me to shut up and to stop bullying his parents. I don't feel able to go to work now and leave them in the care of the in laws, with such poor decision making. DH is absolutely no support whatsover and says that I am a hypocrite as I have let my son run onto the road on one occasion! I cannot understand that if they were responsible about their physical limitations FIL should not have attempted to walk back on his own with the 2 of them. I am on my own upstairs while they are all downstairs - with me blowing up because my son could have been run over!

OP posts:
misdee · 26/10/2010 20:03

could have been. wasnt.

give them a set of reins if you know ds2 wont hold hands.

GypsyMoth · 26/10/2010 20:03

god! thats horrible!!

wouldnt be leaving any of my dc in that situ again.....and dh would be history too i think!

Doigthebountyeater · 26/10/2010 20:05

Your DS's safety comes first. Even though I am sure they love your kids, a frail man of 72 is not the best person to be looking after them by the sounds of it. I especially don't like the way they tried to cover it up - and now they want to snack him! Your DH should be putting his son's safety before his parents' feelings too. Sorry but I think you should be looking for new childcare arrangements. It'll cause total warfare for you though.

Doigthebountyeater · 26/10/2010 20:06

'smack' rather than snack!!

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:06

DS is 4 and too old for reins. I am trying to calm down but am up against the 3 of them. I grateful for them coming down to help us out with the childcare as my family does not live in this country but I needed to trust them to make sensible decisions - this is the crux of it. I have the rest of the week to get through now, they were due to stay with us until Monday but think I will need to take time off work otherwise kids will be at home all the time.

OP posts:
misdee · 26/10/2010 20:08

4 is not too old for reins if he wont hold hands or behave near roads.

i understand you are upset i would be fuming as well.

but, by luck or something, ds2 was unhurt this time.

i dont agree with smacking, and would also be livid there.

freerangeeggs · 26/10/2010 20:12

It sounds like your FIL made a stupid mistake and I'm sure he realises that, even if he's not admitting to it.

It must have been horrific to watch the lo run into the road while he was helpless to do anything about it, all the while knowing that it would be his fault if the child was harmed.

I would have trouble trusting them too, after that, but I would imagine that he's given himself a big enough fright not to do it again.

Maybe you need to have a calm discussion with the pair of them about how to manage your son in your absence, as they don't seem to have really listened before. Reins sound like a sensible idea - are they an option?

woopsidaisy · 26/10/2010 20:12

Gosh,I understand that you are upset,but I think that is a little harsh on in-laws! They are looking after The DSs while you are working? Are you paying them? OK,FIL shouldn't maybe have started walking home,but hardly the crime of the century!The man needs a hip replacement,looking after two boys is hard work,sounds like he is doing his best.I agree,that at four your DS2 should be old enough to understand not to run into a busy road? Even if someone was shouting at him to stop?
MY FIL is so kind,adores GC.They live near river Thames in Bucks.FIL loved to take them down to river to feed ducks etc...had visions of him chatting to someone-very friendly man-turning back and DS ending up in the river! But I also had to trust him to do his best,he loves DSs,and certainly would never hurt them.
I think give the guy a break,and step up the discipline on DS2

GypsyMoth · 26/10/2010 20:14

whats your husbands issue?? is he usually like this?

thisisyesterday · 26/10/2010 20:17

agree with others.
whilst your FIL needs to accept that it was silly to walk them home if he knew he couldn't control them, you also need to do some serious road safety with your ds.

if he cannot be trusted not to run out into a busy road then he needs to either be in a buggy or on a wrist strap.
all well and good blaming FIL for not running after him, but even if he had been able to run he may not have caught him in time. I would rather my kids were on straps than dead on a road

today we were walking across a car park when ds1 (5.5) ran out into the road. I went spare, and he said sorry, he thought we were gong that way
I was right next to him and he dashed off so suddenly that I had no chance of catching him

it can happen to anyone and has little, if anything, to do with your FIL's age and capability of looking after kids

YunoWhatYouDidLastSummer · 26/10/2010 20:17

I think they sound too much for your parents and you need to find alternative childcare.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:17

woopdaisy, i am not being harsh. DS2 ran onto a busy intersection. This could have been avoided he if hadn't been so pigheaded and chose to walk back by himself with the 2 of them. My point is that every occasion I express to MIL that little one needs to be restrained - that he should be with an adult who is able to keep up with him ( ie here ). However, earlier this week she took it upon herself to take DS1 (7) to a class, leaving DS 2 to go to the park with grandpa. Know, I have a very big suspicion that MIL prefers DS1 - she doesn't give as much time to DS2. Why would you in your right mind knowing your husband needs a hip replacement suggest that he takes a highly active defiant 3 year old to the park for a couple of hours? Are they just so out of touch?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 26/10/2010 20:18

the only worrying thing in the OP afaic is the fact that FIL wants to hit them! that would put me right off

thisisyesterday · 26/10/2010 20:19

and if he has run into the road while you were looking after him as well then how on earth cn you blame FIL???

honestly

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:19

Sprinkledust, husband is a complete arse. He supports his parents blindly.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:22

thisisyesterday, i look after the kids 99 per cent of the time and when he ran onto the road I caught him very quickly. If you were unable to run, wouldn't you think twice before deciding to take 2 children for a walk along a busy main road? His only way to control his was to really hold his hand very tightly - over handling really. I am going to have a talk to them. Your comments are helping me to calm down and turn it into a constructive discussion. They are very good to us - but here I think in denial about their physical frailities as it means less access to the little ones.

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 26/10/2010 20:22

Agree that your FIL made a mistake, but why on earth hasn't it been drummed into your ds not to go near the roads.

Its highly unlikely your FIL will want a repeat of today now is it!

And if your ds has not got the nonce to stay away from the roads then it would have to be reins in an area such as you describe.

Tortington · 26/10/2010 20:23

there are a couple of things here imo

if your parents aren't physically able to fully look after your children. then you shouldn't put your children in their care.

a child running into the road is an accident. its not like grampa encouraged a 4 year old to go play with traffic. although measures could have been taken to prevent this kind of accident occuring, the response and conversation about future prevention should be in an appropriate manner. not shouty, not hysterical. but maybe a conversation on how you could buy grampa a wrist link or something.

however i'm afraid my overall conclusion is that YOU put your children int he are of elderly disabled parents. Then you handled the situation badly.

sorry anotherglass, but you are a lot to blame if im totally honest.

DuelingFanjo · 26/10/2010 20:23

I would find alternative childcare.

PussinJimmyChoos · 26/10/2010 20:28

My DS is 4.5 yrs and is pretty good with roads, but I would still not leave him in the care of such elderly Grandparents, unless he was just pottering around their house or something - I think alternative child care is the next option

Having said that, your FIL was wrong not to follow your wishes and wanting to hit your child to rectify his behaviour is not on

I fail to see though, why you cannot enforce wrist straps. It always makes me Hmm when parents say oh, they don't like reins/straps - I say tough - safety comes first! And funnily enough, the parents that are wishy washing about reins/straps are the ones that have children who are more prone to bolting and not listening - I have seen this quite a few times

BelligerentGhoul · 26/10/2010 20:30

If your child can't be trusted not to run into the road, then he needs to be on reigns. By blaming your fil, you are denying that your child was naughty. You say that 4 is too old for reigns but if he won't walk nicely, then he will have to learn that he will be in reigns until he proves that he can be trusted.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:30

Trappedinsuburbia, I constantly drum in the message about road safety to LO, particularly because of where we live. He had been restrained by his grandfather quite heavily on the walk home and was trying to break free from his grasp. That's when he ran off and the GF just let him go because he was struggling too much. He was about 1 minute from the house.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 26/10/2010 20:32

Little Life Backpack. it comes with a strap...

thisisyesterday · 26/10/2010 20:34

ok so you are saying that had MIL been with him SHE would have been able to run after him/grab him~?

tbh it still isn't ok is it? as I pointed out before, even if you are young and fit and well able to run, sometimes you just cannot stop them

this isn't just a case of him being frail and unable to keep hold of your son.
your son HAS to learn that this is unacceptable. and if he cannot do that then you need to use reins/buggy.

LadyLatherOfIndecision · 26/10/2010 20:35

reins

4 is not too old for reins if he is not safe on pavements

tbh I would be looking for alternative childcare

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