Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL let DS run onto busy road

107 replies

anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:01

The in laws have been looking after our 2 DS's during half term. When I came home from work today DS1 (7) told me that DS (4) ran onto the road while out with granny and grandpa. In laws who overheard said 'now don't be telling tales'. Ds 1 didn't say anything but later I asked him what he meant and he said that DS 2 had run onto the road while grandpa was walking them home. Now, I was pretty shook up about this and went back to ask In Laws. I was quite concerned as we live in a very busy inner city area and always tell MILs too keep hold of little one's hand and that the adult with him should be able to chase him as he can be defiant and want to walk on his own. But in laws went into the shopping area today and then while MIL stayed in shops, FIL took it upon himself to walk back to the house (about 1 mile) with the two boys. Now, he is 72, in need of a hip replacement and cannot run. I confronted him about this and he says he held DS2 hand all the way until he became too uncontrollable and he let him go. DS2 just then set off and ran onto an intersection near our house. FIL was unable to chase him. My MIL says that FIL walked off on his own back against her wishes but she knows how Little One can be a handful. They are now upset at me for being 'hysterical' and claim that the little one isn't disciplined firmly enough. FIL wants to hit him to control him. DH heard all this and said nothing to support me, other than telling me to shut up and to stop bullying his parents. I don't feel able to go to work now and leave them in the care of the in laws, with such poor decision making. DH is absolutely no support whatsover and says that I am a hypocrite as I have let my son run onto the road on one occasion! I cannot understand that if they were responsible about their physical limitations FIL should not have attempted to walk back on his own with the 2 of them. I am on my own upstairs while they are all downstairs - with me blowing up because my son could have been run over!

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 21:39

Just had a calm, constructive discussion with In Laws. They admitted to an earlier incident when LO shot out of McDs while in FIL's sole charge.

I had asked too much of them today - they were quite stressed in the shops.

I accepted this, said sorry for asking them to take the kids to shops (for dentist appointment), but that FIL should not have taken off on his own with both LOs when he knew he couldn't control them.

We chatted about ways to deal with DS2 when he plays up. All agreed buggy and reins not realistic as DS2 is a very big for his age and would not wear a rein. He will not be left on his own with FIL.

Activities from now mainly home based or inlocal park.

I did offer to stay home from work but they are having a quiet day at home tomorrow, then am off work Thurs and Fri.

Many thanks for your input. Think have resolved this with In Laws but DH another issue.

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 26/10/2010 21:47

Well done for resolving it.

Hulababy · 26/10/2010 21:52

Glad you havemade amends with the PILs and come to an understanding.

TW, have you spoken to your DS2 today about his behaviour and his running off from his gradfather? he needs to know that this is wrong and he is big enough to behave near roads.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 21:54

Hulababy, I will have a discussion with LO tomorrow.

OP posts:
childrenofthecornsilk · 26/10/2010 22:03

very worrying for you
your in laws sound very reasonable and helpful though, so you can rest easy
ds2 sounds like the one you need to tackle! My ds was a runner -drove the childminders to distraction on the way back from school, but he eventually learnt that he had to hold on to the buggy (they always had a younger child in a buggy).I was very lucky that they persisted with him. Can MIL have a shopping trolley or something that he learns to hold on to? You can get those lovely bright ones.

defineme · 26/10/2010 22:13

I appreciate what you're saying re the reins. However, when ds1 was 4 he ran across a road- my response was to put him on a wrist strap for the next 2 months. I didn't give a stuff how he felt. I just wanted to keep him alive and hammer a message home because he'd clearly not understood it. He si now 8 and very good at crossing roads on his own.

amaterasu · 26/10/2010 23:25

Your FIL made an error of judgement, he would never have intended to put your child in danger, I would suggest you find childcare which is more appropriate ......I would not leave my young children (who are a royal pain in the butt) with older folk who do not have the ability to run round like lunatics

Good luck OP :)

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/10/2010 23:31

I think you were a bit harsh with your ILs. If your child cannot be trusted to hold hands with the adult who is in charge and not to run into the road, then he has to wear reins, no discussion. He is the child. You tell him he has to wear reins and, like some other posters, I hope you did tell him off for running into the road instead of getting shirty with your ILs.

You should be so grateful that you have people who will look after your children. Some, like me, have always had to pay for any childcare we had, unless it was tit-for-tat with my friends as the DC got older.

I think you owe your FIL an apology. From your latest post it seems as if you are treating your FIL like a child. If you have to tell the ILs exactly what they are and aren't allowed to do this means that you don't trust them completely and if you don't trust them completely, why are you leaving their DC in their care.

nbyet · 27/10/2010 08:53

I understand your horror at this situation, but I also think you are being harsh about the ILs. I haven't seen anything in your posts about you being grateful to them for taking care of your kids, and the phrases you use, such as "my MIL was instructed to..." and "FIL took it upon himself to..." makes it sound like you feel that because they are looking after your DCs, that they should follow your every command. I am not saying they shouldn't care for your kids in the way you ask them to, or follow safety guidelines you set, but a bit of respect and gratitude wouldn't go amiss here.

I also agree that the backpack sounds like a good idea, or alternative childcare arrangements.

diddl · 27/10/2010 09:17

So youngest ran out of McDonalds?

So that is perhaps why FIL decided to take them home.

And I agree with your husband-I think you were bullying to his parents when the problem is your uncontrollable son.

Summersoon · 27/10/2010 09:27

Just another voice agreeing with Ilove, nbyet and diddl. TBH, you sound rather difficult and I am sure that your IL's are torn between saying "well, fine, we just won't do it any more" and between wanting to see their grandkids as often as possible.
I also think that you are making a rod for own back as well as not doing your son any favours by not being more strict with your him but your responses to other posters who have made similar suggestions suggests that you simply refuse to see this.
I would go very, very carefully with your DH because he may have been a little blunt - as I indeed I am being now - but I think that you need to hear it and I do think that you risk making the situation worse. HTH despite the blunt words.

activate · 27/10/2010 09:30

no 4 year old is uncontrollable it is the carers will to control that is of issue

diddl · 27/10/2010 10:05

"My concern has been in the recent past that they overestimate their ability to take care of the two boys - wanting to take them on day trips out of town FGS. I think a lot of posters are being too harsh about my leaving them to take care of them. I had set ground rules which were broken."

Then how can you possibly leave them with them again?

They are trying to help you-perhaps that´s why they "overestimate"

ragged · 27/10/2010 10:23

Can you ask them to take a taxi or the bus (you pay for it) rather than attempt long walks in town together?

mrstimlovejoy · 27/10/2010 10:42

why don't you get one of those straps that you put round dc's wrists and that the carer then holds.
i think at the age of 4 your dc should have some sort of road sense.
i know your in laws were responsible with caring for your ds but if you know your ds is a bit of a handful when it comes to being near roads then you shouldn't be too harsh on fil

cory · 27/10/2010 11:11

Totally agre with thisisyesterday and Hulababy. If one of mine had been running off at the age of 4, I would have put them back in the reins and told them in no uncertain terms that if you behave like a baby you get treated like a baby. In fact, I did once do this. Worked a treat. "Would not wear a rein" didn't come into it any more than "will not accept that I dock his pocket money" comes into it if he misbehaves now. He doesn't get a say about his punishments.

You may have sorted the situation with your ILs, but you haven't sorted it as far as your ds is concerned. He is getting to an age where he needs to do more things away from you: the playdate age is coming up, soon you will be expected to leave him at parties. You need to either find a way of teaching him to behave, or investigate whether there is some special reason why he cannot do so. Otherwise he will lose out.

MrsGhoulOfGhostbourne · 27/10/2010 11:25

I think some of the posters have been harsh to you OP. Totally understand your feelings - we have had this type of situation - what I find worse than the actual incident - mistake, but ultimately no harm done, is that the GP told your DS1 off for telling tales - in other words telling him to keep quiet about it to you [hshock]. This is very bad - your son should be able to tell tales all he likes to you - he should be able to tell his own mum anything and everything!

suzikettles · 27/10/2010 11:33

OP, have a look at this. We've been getting the Traffic Club books for ds for the last year and he really likes the stories. It's been a great way of introducing road safety.

I agree with the others tbh, I know you say he wouldn't agree to reins or the buggy but if he's prone to running off into the road then it is an accident waiting to happen no matter who he's with.

zonkin · 27/10/2010 11:43

Your DS2 sounds like quite a handful and too much for the GPs. They probably didn't want to tell you about it because they knew how you would react and wanted to avoid the inevitable argument where they get blamed for the whole thing.

nbyet · 27/10/2010 11:54

I don't see why they would want to tell you, knowing it would upset you and cause you to imagine your DS being hurt.

LIZS · 27/10/2010 12:00

Agree with those who suggest your pils are trying to help and perhaps overreaching themselves in doing so but that the real issue is the unpredictable behavious of ds2. If a similar incident has occurred while under your care it is hardly right or fair to expect that others to contain him better. Could just have easily been a cm or other carer with him.

If ds2 cannot accept that he needs to behave for gp's or is a bolter then reins are the safest option. Agree he will have to conform at school with less close supervision. Does he have concept of road safety or the need to follow rules ? Why run out of McD's ? If his behaviour is such cause for concern could he have any SN ?

TrinityTheTwattyRhino · 27/10/2010 12:10

the fact you dont already have reins for a four year old that will not hold hands aor be calm near roads

and then

you say, will try buggy as lo wont go near reins

speaks volumes

fgs put him in a buggy or put reins on him, whether he likes it or not

explain why and do it, tough cookies till he learns to behave near roads

MollysChambers · 27/10/2010 12:29

I can understand why you are upset however your attitude to your in-laws is questionable imho. MIL "was instructed to take care of children" - you instruct someone you employ. They are doing you a pretty huge favour and it doesn't sound like you appreciate it at all. If you don't think they can cope / don't trust them find new childcare.

As for DS - he is 4 not 2. He should have basic road safety awareness at this age. This needs to be addressed. Reins/strap and a very firm talking to about the potential consequences of being hit by a car as well as spelling out punishment for misbehaving while out walking - confiscating toys, withdrawal of treats - whatever works. And stick to it.

Original poster
anotherglass · 27/10/2010 13:07

DS2 has been spoken to.

I am grateful for their help but they are doing it because THEY want to spend time with their grandchildren.

But the In Laws screwed up yesterday. MIL left FIL on his own with the two of them to complete her shopping when they should have stayed together.

Error of judgement on her behalf compounded by FIL deciding to not wait for MIL and take the kids home on his own.

DS has been out of a buggy for 1-1/2 years and has road sense.

DH has now also spoken to them about this and said they should not have separated.

Thanks to whoever suggested that DS2 might have special needs. Nice one.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherglass · 27/10/2010 13:08

DS2 has road sense when he is with me.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread