FIL let DS run onto busy road

[anotherglass]

The in laws have been looking after our 2 DS's during half term. When I came home from work today DS1 (7) told me that DS (4) ran onto the road while out with granny and grandpa. In laws who overheard said 'now don't be telling tales'. Ds 1 didn't say anything but later I asked him what he meant and he said that DS 2 had run onto the road while grandpa was walking them home. Now, I was pretty shook up about this and went back to ask In Laws. I was quite concerned as we live in a very busy inner city area and always tell MILs too keep hold of little one's hand and that the adult with him should be able to chase him as he can be defiant and want to walk on his own. But in laws went into the shopping area today and then while MIL stayed in shops, FIL took it upon himself to walk back to the house (about 1 mile) with the two boys. Now, he is 72, in need of a hip replacement and cannot run. I confronted him about this and he says he held DS2 hand all the way until he became too uncontrollable and he let him go. DS2 just then set off and ran onto an intersection near our house. FIL was unable to chase him. My MIL says that FIL walked off on his own back against her wishes but she knows how Little One can be a handful. They are now upset at me for being 'hysterical' and claim that the little one isn't disciplined firmly enough. FIL wants to hit him to control him. DH heard all this and said nothing to support me, other than telling me to shut up and to stop bullying his parents. I don't feel able to go to work now and leave them in the care of the in laws, with such poor decision making. DH is absolutely no support whatsover and says that I am a hypocrite as I have let my son run onto the road on one occasion! I cannot understand that if they were responsible about their physical limitations FIL should not have attempted to walk back on his own with the 2 of them. I am on my own upstairs while they are all downstairs - with me blowing up because my son could have been run over!

So what solution would you suggest for him running out of McDonalds? He was with both of them at the time. And what happens if he runs out of the park? I think your ILs have too much responsibility. He obviously knows he can escape easily from them.

"DS2 has road sense when he is with me."

I thought he had also run away from you?

If anything it is an error of judgement on your part for leaving your children with them.

Wanting to spend time with your grandchildren doesn't mean having sole responsibility of them!

"DH has now also spoken to them about this and said they should not have separated."

It wouldn´t be a problem if your 4yr old did as he was told.

well he clearly doesn't have road sense does he

otherwise you wouldn't have laid down rules saying that they have to both be with him and that someone has to hold his hand all the time

he wouldn't have run into a road with them AND with you

If he has road sense when with you then you need to work on his behaviour. He is clearing lacking discipline. His behaviour is your problem imo, not the in-laws.

Just want to echo the other posters comments.

I bought a wrist rein during the summer for DS who'd just turned 4 because of his tendency to run off. I put it on him at home to show him how it worked, and told him that we'd be taking it out with us from then on. I've never actually had to use it, but he knows it's always in my bag incase he takes off.

I also agree that it's your DS that needs educating not your inlaws (as well as your DH but that's a whole other thread).

It might only take a couple of outings with the wrist rein or Little Life bag (which I bought for DD when she went through this stage) for him to get the message.

Sorry if the suggestion of SN riled you . However you describe a 4 year old who can be "defiant", a "handful", "needs to be restrained", lacks a sense of danger with respect to roads and runs off , even form presumably what was supposed to be a treat. How did he react to you speaking to him about this ? I'm getting a sense that perhasp you are more forgiving of ds2 because you feel his gm favours ds1 and want to redress the balance. Maybe she can relate better to an older child who doesn't need such close supervision, relax a bit and enjoy his company ?

I agree with that LIZS

I doubt GPs have a favourite, but probably find your older son easier & more of a pleasure to be with.

I think the fact that FIL wanted to smack speaks of his desperation of how to handle your youngest.

LIZS you are spot on about GM favouring DS1! How did you pick that up?

GM will spend more time reading to DS1, getting involved with his activities, etc etc. She doesn't have as much time or energy for DS2. I know that she thinks DS2 is less bright than DS1.

Sad, but that is my intuition and really the driver behind my anger over this whole situation; that she is playing favourites.

I suspect that DS2 plays up to in laws as it his way of getting attention. He does not play up like this for his carers at nursery. He is a different child when on the road walking with me.

But this is probably for another thread. I am trying to calm down after not getting to sleep til 2am. Thanks to everyone for their input and suggestions but I need to get back to work now so will be offline for a while.

Well then it´s a "Catch 22", as if he didn´t "play up", they might willingly give him more attention.

Was your oldest their first grandchild by any chance?

I´m sure the ILs love both of mine equally, but can´t help thinking my son has some special quality for them by being their first GC & a boy

"LIZS you are spot on about GM favouring DS1! How did you pick that up?"

You did mention it in a post, OP.

Thanks for pointing that out diddl. You are an asset to overtired, stressed out mothers who clearly can't keep track of their own threads.

Yes, DS1 is first grandchild.

I thought you were starting to think things through a bit more yesterday but today you are back to blaming the pils. Your ds should know not to run off, whether he is with mil, fil, both of them, yourself or some other carer. That is the issue. Until he shows that he can abide by that, he needs reins. Everything else is window dressing imho.

So did ds2 have an explanation or acknowledge he should n't have run off form gps at McD's or in the road ? tbh he owes them an apology

Yet again it seems that you are missing the point that the other posters are making. YOu say that DS2 has had road sense for 18 months. This cannot be true as he had run away from you and from the GPs. I can't get over how ungrateful and entitled you seem to be.

You lay down so many rules for the ILs and seem to blame them for everything. As I and others have said above, other you think your ILs can look after the DCs or not.

My DS2 started to have a problem with not wanting to hold my hand near roads when he was 4. I told him I would get reins for him. He did not believe me. I took him with me into Mothercare and bought a wristband. I made sure he saw me buy it. I then kept it in my pocket and told him that I would put it on him if he did not walk nicely by me, holding my hand. He knew that I would have done that. Perhaps you need to do this with your DS2 and get him to apologise to GP.

At 4 your DS should know that roads and car parks have cars, and cars can KILL you if they hit you. Or put you in hospital for a long, long time. DD knew this from as soon as she was able to walk independently beside the buggy (approx. 2). And if she did leg it (I think she did this about twice and NEVER on a road), then she was strapped back into the buggy/put on reins/taken straight home and given a strict talking to. She soon got the message.

I think you expect far too much of your ILs and I actually feel quite sorry for them. You seem to regard them as children, yet the actual child - your DS - gets away scot free...

I think you have to take some responsibility for your son's behaviour OP, at four he should have basic road knowledge to not run off and if he doesn't understand or is a runner then he needs reins and if he doesn't like them then tough!

OP, either your parental skills are lacking or he has special needs. I'm gonna be flamed for this, but sorry, it's true. A 4 year old should know not to run into a road. Hell, a three year old should!

To be fair, MamaGogo, not all 4yos (even without SN) develop at the same rate. The thing that made me wonder about possible SN was the fact that the OP seemed unable to put reins on her ds because he wouldn't wear them. I can't imagine not being able to dish out a moderate punishment like that to an NT child, so that made me wonder if there were possibly other difficulties she hadn't told us about. But it seems not.

I don't understand the position of "he won't wear reins" - why on earth does he have that option??

My son is only just 2 and he understands that he either walks holding my hand or he doesn't walk at all and I don't care if that results in him having a screaming meltdown or not - tough cookies. Funnily enough, he's happy to hold hands these days!

You're very concerned about your ILs "following instructions" and yet your 4yr old doesn't seem to have to. He'll be in school very soon and needs to know how to behave on the road - they certainly won't be able to hold his hand all the time!

What I dont get is why you thought it would be a good idea for elderly and frail grandparents to look after your TWO children, one of whom is naughty and defiant and without road sense despite living in a busy city. That is piss poor judgement.

DS2 has been out of a buggy for 1.5 years. He walks to school every day with big brother and me. He.has road sense. He is not a troublesome child who has behavioural problems in need of assessment for special needs.
He has been out with in laws many times and has been fine with them - no reins or restraints needed.
He was fine on the walk to the shops with In Laws but started to play up on the way back - when his hand was held by his grandfather. Normally, he will walk by my side as he is very independent and most likely objected to being restrained.
To update you; in laws have last night said sorry for splitting up the way they did at the shops; and the upset caused by trying to get DS1 to lie about what happenened. They are finding DS2 more of a challenge - he is not as placid as DS1. DS2 has apologised to GPs for not listening to them and we are working together to improve behaviour with GPs. DS1 is older and not so rebellious.
Some of the comments on this thread have been helpful and insightful but others not so. This is the end of the thread for me as off to enjoy the sunshine with the boys.

anotherglass I don't think the SN question was unreasonable or offensive.

My 4 year old (almost 5) has no road sense, would happily dash into the road for a stone, etc. She doesn't go outside at all without either a crelling harness (reins for older children) or Maclaren Major buggy. She has SN.

My 3 year old (3.2) can walk nicely beside the buggy, look for cars, see the danger if a cyclist is approaching, and cross side-roads sensibly with minimal supervision.

My 18 month old can walk nicely holding hands, and understands the threat of sitting in the buggy if she starts to wander off.

I never leave my DD1 in the care of anyone without drumming into them that DD1 has no road sense and must be restrained at all times.

It is your responsibility to make sure your DS is safe. So you either leave appropriate safety aids, reins, etc. or they don't go out.

Truly ridiculous that you say your 4 year old 'won't wear reins'. DD1 is 4, has SN, and will writhe, kick and scream at times to avoid her harness. She doesn't go anywhere until it is on, and she knows it.

TBH the only person you should be angry with is your ds.