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Original poster

FIL let DS run onto busy road

107 replies

anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:01

The in laws have been looking after our 2 DS's during half term. When I came home from work today DS1 (7) told me that DS (4) ran onto the road while out with granny and grandpa. In laws who overheard said 'now don't be telling tales'. Ds 1 didn't say anything but later I asked him what he meant and he said that DS 2 had run onto the road while grandpa was walking them home. Now, I was pretty shook up about this and went back to ask In Laws. I was quite concerned as we live in a very busy inner city area and always tell MILs too keep hold of little one's hand and that the adult with him should be able to chase him as he can be defiant and want to walk on his own. But in laws went into the shopping area today and then while MIL stayed in shops, FIL took it upon himself to walk back to the house (about 1 mile) with the two boys. Now, he is 72, in need of a hip replacement and cannot run. I confronted him about this and he says he held DS2 hand all the way until he became too uncontrollable and he let him go. DS2 just then set off and ran onto an intersection near our house. FIL was unable to chase him. My MIL says that FIL walked off on his own back against her wishes but she knows how Little One can be a handful. They are now upset at me for being 'hysterical' and claim that the little one isn't disciplined firmly enough. FIL wants to hit him to control him. DH heard all this and said nothing to support me, other than telling me to shut up and to stop bullying his parents. I don't feel able to go to work now and leave them in the care of the in laws, with such poor decision making. DH is absolutely no support whatsover and says that I am a hypocrite as I have let my son run onto the road on one occasion! I cannot understand that if they were responsible about their physical limitations FIL should not have attempted to walk back on his own with the 2 of them. I am on my own upstairs while they are all downstairs - with me blowing up because my son could have been run over!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 26/10/2010 20:36

and you say FIL was "overhandling" him. he didn't have much choice did he?

you have told him that he HAS to hold your son's hand in order for him not to run into the road. and yet when he does so that is also wrong?

Hulababy · 26/10/2010 20:38

Get your 4yo reins on the backpack thin with a rein.

At 4y he is old enough to learn that if he can't walk and hold hands then he must have reins. If he thinks he is too old for reins or that reins are for babies - tough. When he learns to hold hands when asked, then he doesn't have the reins.

Your child ran off onto a road when with you. He did it with FIL. As far as I can see it is no different.

I would be concerned by the desire to smack -I would address this.

But if you don't trust your PILs to look after the children then you need to pay for alternative childcare.

MadamDeathstare · 26/10/2010 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alfabetty · 26/10/2010 20:40

Yes, the backpack is great.

The wrist strap prob isn't so good if the 4yr old was wrestling and 'broke free', he'll be too big and strong for it to be effective. So for me, it would be backpack or buggy, with the explanation that he'll travel like that till he shows he can walk nicely and obey his GPs.

I do share the view that at 4 yrs old a child should be able to walk along a road holding hands and not run off into the road.(I'd expect my 3.5 and 5 yr old to be quite safe and controllable walking along with their GPs).

Afraid that does sound like very bad, and worrying, behaviour from a child of that age.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:41

I am not denying that DS2 was naughty.However I am pissed that In Laws tried to cover up what happened. I have conceded time and time again to them that LO can be defiant, the adult with him must be able to hold his hand or be within arms reach. My concern has been in the recent past that they overestimate their ability to take care of the two boys - wanting to take them on day trips out of town FGS. I think a lot of posters are being too harsh about my leaving them to take care of them. I had set ground rules which were broken. Yes, I blew a fuse but heck is that unreasonable! There was a cover up, DS2 was blamed, I was told I was poor at discipline told me I was poor at discipline, that FIL wanted to give DS2 a good smack, and finally to top it off, DH says I am a bully and a hypocrite.

In spite of this I shall go downstairs and restart discussions in a more calm frame of mind. The do love their grandchildren and would not want them hurt.

OP posts:
alfabetty · 26/10/2010 20:44

If your DS is capable of running off into the road and you know about this, is it YOUR responsibility to ensure your ILs are equipped to deal with it when they take the children out. So - reins, backpack or buggy.

The cover up was probably shame/shock.

And smacking a 4 yr old child for acting in a way that endangers their own life might not be a choice you would make, but is not, in my opinion, an unacceptable option.

activate · 26/10/2010 20:44

"misdee Tue 26-Oct-10 20:03:31

could have been. wasnt.

give them a set of reins if you know ds2 wont hold hands."

Well said

thisisyesterday · 26/10/2010 20:47

but he WAS holding his hand and WAS within reach, until your child ran off

i don't see what else he could have done

i'll ask you again, had MIL been there could she have prevented it? I suspect not.

it was an accident. kids can be bloody fast sometimes, i couldn't catch my son earlier when he ran out into a road.
he was warned immediately that if he can't be trusted the wrist straps come out again

alfabetty · 26/10/2010 20:50

What have you (or will you ) say/do to DS to punish him for running in to the road?

And many on here have suggested buggy,reins, wrist strap etc. But how do you intend to deal with it?

That is far more important than tackling your ILs.

PaisleyPumpkin · 26/10/2010 20:50

"I had set ground rules which were broken"
We know.... "always tell MILs too keep hold of little one's hand and that the adult with him should be able to chase him "

You can lay down those ground rules as much as you like, but he's in his 70s and in need of a new hip.
This childcare arrangement isn't fair on anyone.
YOU have overestimated their ability - they've just tried to help.
I think you need to make alternative arrangements for your childcare, but without putting 'blame' onto your FIL.

Maybe you should 'set ground rules' for your DS when near traffic.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 20:51

thisisyesterday - read my post.

FIL was in the shopping area with MIL. She was at the shops and he was told to go to McD's with kids to wait until she finished so they could walk back together.

He took it upon himself to walk back alone with the 2 DS defying MIl instructions.

He was unable to control DS2 all the way home so let him go - on a busy road. He is in denial about his ability to take care of the DSs that is what frightened me although I can understand this.

OP posts:
PaisleyPumpkin · 26/10/2010 20:53

"defying MIl instructions."

Maybe she needs reins for him!
Grin

thisisyesterday · 26/10/2010 20:53

i did read it thank you

i was replying to your post where you state that you have told them they have to hold his hand

he WAS holding your son's hand.

you still haven't answered whether you think that MIL would have been able to stop this happening. you keep saying over and over that FIL did it even tho he had been told not to. that isn't answering the question

i am of course being presumptuous in assuming MIL is a similar age to FIL, and therefore may well NOT have been able to stop this happening.

in which case you are being even more unreasonable

hocuspontas · 26/10/2010 20:53

Look on this as the perfect opportunity for you and DH to sort out road safety skills with ds2. If he can break free and run off then he isn't really safe with anyone. The buggy sounds the best solution for the ILs this week.

BelligerentGhoul · 26/10/2010 20:53

'Defying mil's instructions' - you are discussing this as if fil is the naughty child needing punishment, not your ds.

freerangeeggs · 26/10/2010 20:58

I think you're doing the right thing by reopening discussion in a more calm manner. I would explain to FIL and MIL exactly why I had been so angry before, and then ask them what could be done to help them control the children more effectively.

Equipment might be an option (with the right equipment, would they perhaps be able to take the kids on day trips like they want to?), or maybe working together on new discipline strategies. In the long run this could be a good thing for both parties.

It was completely understandable that you got so angry, though.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 21:00

MIL is much younger and fitter than FIL. I would NOT leave my kids alone with FIL That is why she was instructed to take care of children. Anyhow, I am going downstairs now to talk to them about how we will deal with this. Have taken your points on board and will suggest the buggy for short local trips as don't think LO will go near reins.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherglass · 26/10/2010 21:02

Thank you freerangeeggs, you would freak too wouldn't you if you had heard LO ran onto the road. Then DH calls you a bully. Still go that to deal with.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 26/10/2010 21:02

I admit I am doing the mumsnet faux pas of not reading the entire thread. But do you think one of those childrens backpacks they can wear with a little rein attached would work well? Even if you decide that you want to arrange different childcare, from the sounds of your son's propensity to run off, reins of some form would be the safer option. At least they would like the lovely backpack with the rein attached more perhaps?

Hulababy · 26/10/2010 21:04

"as don't think LO will go near reins"

I am afraid my response to your DS to this is TOUGH! He is 4y. He is old enough now to learn. At it is reins or hold hands, pr go no where.

TBH at 4y he ought not be having to pushed round in a buggy - this will no doubt be heavy topush for older PILs too.

he can walk and he can learn to walk sensibly by a road, and then run off and have fun in a park once there.

I assume he will be in school in less than a year's time. Many children are already in school at just gone 4yo. Believe me, by then he will be expected to walk sensibly without running off towards a road. And at school he won't necessarily have a grown up holding his hand and most certainly won't have one to one supervision.

BelligerentGhoul · 26/10/2010 21:06

Totally agree with Hulababy. He makes a choice - behave and don't run off, or wear the reins. Buggy is a cop out.

activate · 26/10/2010 21:15

I agree with hulababay and I sincerely hope you have been extremely cross with your DS

maktaitai · 26/10/2010 21:24

I must say that if DH had said I'd bullied his parents I'd want to spend some time thinking about that - did you?

but calling you a bully is quite nasty and a bit different

misdee · 26/10/2010 21:25

stop being soft with your ds2.

eitherhe behaves around roads, or he wears reins. no fannying about with 'oh he wont wear them'

does he know if he gets hit by a car he might end up dead?

spongebunnyfatpants · 26/10/2010 21:29

I would be upset about the situation too, thankfully nothing bad happened and your ds is ok.

I would also make him wear reins if he's not very good at holding hands.

I would be very annoyed with the fact that they called your older son a liar and I would want them to apologise to him for that.
Then i'd praise him for being a lovely big brother and for looking out for him.

As for your dh, I'd be telling him that he needs to grow a pair and stand up to his parents, unless of course he's ok with them calling your son a lair and hitting his child.