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Original poster

DH says not interested in me sexually anymore unless i lose weight

127 replies

readinginbed · 25/10/2010 11:12

Don't really know how to handle this. DH says he hasn't fancied me since we had DS and DD (now 3 and 4) because i've gained a stone and gone up a couple of dress sizes. He says he's not interested in sex until i lose weight. He's always had this fascistic attitude towards women's bodies but i just think i can't stand it any more. We love each other and have a great family life but i can't handle the constant self-esteem battering he is putting me through. I'm reasonably happy with my body and don't think sexual attraction is one-dimensional. I think he has issues because his mother is thin and glamorous but doesn't have any sort of intimacy with any men including her DH. Looking for advice really. Have a great marriage that I don't want to lose but it feels like my self-respect will be in tatters if i conform to DH's wishes and lose weight. I am only 33 so god knows what he will be like when I am older and more podgy.

OP posts:
juneybean · 25/10/2010 11:13

He sounds like a gem, there's no point losing weird for other people, you have to lose weight for yourself :) A stone isn't a huge amount to put on after TWO children!

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2010 11:15

ugh!!

i'd ditch the husband as a matter of urgency,then if i felt like it,lose the weight in my own time!

shallow,and nasty

OnceUponA · 25/10/2010 11:15

This is absolutely awful, you have done an incredible thing and your body has given him two wonderful children- he can't be saying these things to you.
I don't even know what to suggest, he is being so cruel.

crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 11:15

Hmm he is being unreasonable, a stone doesn't make that much difference to someone, even if you are short. If you had put on loads and weren't bothering about losing it and he was worried for your health then that would be one thing, but a stone isn't much. What weight are you now? I bet you're normal weight. He's emotionally blackmailing you

perfumedlife · 25/10/2010 11:18

So he is the body police Hmm

And does he think that he will age like a fine wine?

What a cheek. You have gained a stone, so what. If his sexual attraction to you is so tenuous that weight gain extinguishes it, it doesn't sound good.

I agree, if you lost weight you would still harbour hurt feelings at his attitude.

ThatDamnDog · 25/10/2010 11:19

:(

Does he know how he's making you feel? Have you been honest with him like you have been here?

And does he realise how spectacularly unhealthy it would be for you to start changing your body to meet his (frankly bizarre, given you've had two children) requirements? Does he realise that real life is not like glossy magazines?

TBH I find it hard to see how you can have such a fantastic marriage when he can be this cold about your body. Sorry.

SheWillBeLoved · 25/10/2010 11:20

A stone? Bloody hell, I was expecting you to say you're at least 5 stone heavier than when you met. A stone is barely noticeable, and definitely not enough to make you revolting enough to not have sex with.

You don't need to lose weight if you're happy with yourself. Your self respect will be in tatters whether or not you lose weight because of him. It will be if you do, and it will be if you don't, because he will continue to chip it away along with your self esteem. When he comments that you need to lose weight, tell him he needs to lose his pathetic and unrealistic view of perfection and stop modelling you on his mother.

abedelia · 25/10/2010 11:20

Presume he looks like a bronzed Adonis, then? He is being a bully and will make you depressed. If YOU want to lose weight then fine - but he has to help out with the house and kids so you can get some time out to exercise. Or make it a family thing - lots of long walks with pram, etc. But if you're happy and it's not impacting on your health then he's being an unreasonable arse. I bet you don't have the energy to get fit, what with the 3 (yep, not a mistake) demanding dcs.

Tell him if he wanted to marry his mum he should have done so.

EmpressOfTheUniverseReality · 25/10/2010 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
readinginbed · 25/10/2010 11:22

Thanks. It's good to hear I'm not being unreasonable. I'm 5'6'' and 11 stone, dress size 14. So not really fat, just a bit overweight. The problem is I really don't want to lose him, he is a great companion and a great father to the children, but this issue has always been on the cards since we met (8 years ago) and I worry that it will just keep corroding away at me, and our marriage. I can't handle the idea of finding sex outside marriage, it would undermine the whole thing. But he thinks that in time I will just come round to his point of view :(

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 25/10/2010 11:23

And he is his ideal weight and looks like Brad Pitt, I assume?

Agree with everything already posted. As a more light-hearted suggestion, I would say that you are going to join a gym and will be there five nights a week, so he will have to do household tasks, get the kids to bed etc by himself. Then start raving about your gorgeous personal trainer. Or just go to the pub instead..

Seriously, though, this is well out of order. I would definitely cool towards him at the moment and start taking stock of the whole relationship.

crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 11:24

Wait - he wants to be allowed to have sex with someone else because you're 'overweight'? How rude. Has he always been on at you to lose weight then?

Original poster
readinginbed · 25/10/2010 11:25

and no he's not an adonis in any respect...but amazingly i'm able to see beyond that because i'm not a teenager. At least if he was male model material it would be easier to see his point of view, but he is asking for double standards. I just don't know what the next step is.

OP posts:
Original poster
readinginbed · 25/10/2010 11:27

I think i need to go out with the girls and look as good as i can... and stay out v late...

OP posts:
nannynobnobs · 25/10/2010 11:29

If my DH said that to me it would be a deal breaker I'm afraid. Do you want to spend the rest of your life either watching every mouthful to ensure you stay within his guidelines, or being got at and told that you are too fat to be attractive to the man who is supposed to adore you? No thanks :( It's YOUR body and didn't become his property when you married.

sallyspookypoisonberry · 25/10/2010 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 25/10/2010 11:33

... and you still love him, according to your OP?

Then you are a wonderful person, far better than I.

Comments like those would destroy any love I had for someone.

Sad
Katisha · 25/10/2010 11:33

Show him the thread...

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 11:33

What do you mean he has "a fantastic attitude to womens' bodies"....

I'd find this hard to ignore. You have had two children and don't sound particularly overweight. You sound like you have a healthy attitude and your self-esteem isn't on the floor. Despite his best efforts.

Tell him that he needs to get his teeth fixed and he needs to have his back waxed and he needs to lose ten pounds himself.

What!!!! he wants your blessing to have sex with somebody else because you're overweight?!!?!??!!?

As well as not being any Adonis himself, he is ugly on the inside. ARe you sure you have a "great marriage". ?

ThatDamnDog · 25/10/2010 11:33

The next step is making it clear that you will not be coming round to his "way of thinking". It's not a normal thing, that he's asking this of you, you know. He's probably telling himself it is, it's not unreasonable etc. He's wrong. Not normal.

sallyspookypoisonberry · 25/10/2010 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 11:37

ps, on a more practical note, I agree with 80schick, go out more, dress up and go out with your friends. Start to give him fifty:fifty childcare weeknights and weekends while you go out and enjoy yourself.

He is asking for double standards. What an ugly sense of entitlement. Yeah, some ugly men have beautiful girlfriends, but usually that is because they have the wit, personality or charm of say Dara O'Briain.

zookeeper · 25/10/2010 11:40

how much does he weigh?

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 11:44

I've just calculated your BMI and it is 24.76

That is NOT overweight. Did I do that calc right??

WHAT HE MEANS IS YOU ARE NOT MAGAZINE SLIM

Original poster
readinginbed · 25/10/2010 11:46

He really thinks he is helping me to achieve something good, he says he hasn't "given up on me as an attractive young woman" like he is my personal fucking mentor rather than a DH. I can't bear thinkign about the implications. He is underweight because allergic to sugar but doesn't go to gym or anything and is not interested at all in his own appearance. It's just so depressing it would be such a good relationship if it weren't for this attitude towards women's bodies. He thinks most people think like him, but what's weird is that in every other respect he's an independent thinker, intellectual, bright, pro-feminist etc. It's like a big blind spot and it's cutting our marriage in half. :( :(

OP posts: