DH says not interested in me sexually anymore unless i lose weight

[readinginbed]

Don't really know how to handle this. DH says he hasn't fancied me since we had DS and DD (now 3 and 4) because i've gained a stone and gone up a couple of dress sizes. He says he's not interested in sex until i lose weight. He's always had this fascistic attitude towards women's bodies but i just think i can't stand it any more. We love each other and have a great family life but i can't handle the constant self-esteem battering he is putting me through. I'm reasonably happy with my body and don't think sexual attraction is one-dimensional. I think he has issues because his mother is thin and glamorous but doesn't have any sort of intimacy with any men including her DH. Looking for advice really. Have a great marriage that I don't want to lose but it feels like my self-respect will be in tatters if i conform to DH's wishes and lose weight. I am only 33 so god knows what he will be like when I am older and more podgy.

I hope you don't have daughters with this body-Nazi aresewipe.
Great companion and father , not with a sick attitude like his.

I'm the same height as you, I'm a stone and a half heavier and I'm not fat, merely well padded , I have been 14 stone and my husband still fancied me, I lost my weight for me, you don;t need to lose any , you sound perfectly fine as you are.

Sounds from here like you need to lose about 12 stone. Or whatever he weighs!

I think you are giving him a bit too much credit here, saying he is fab when actually you are a little heavier since having the children and he is saying you are no longer good enough/thin enough for him to fancy.

My weight has varied a bit both up and down since having the children, and like you my BMI is at the top end of the normal range. So I am a healthy weight but wouldn't be thin if I lost a stone or so. Big bloody deal.

I have never dieted and certainly wouldn't diet to lose weight for someone else. How do you feel about your weight/figure? I would maybe consider leaving him with the children for a few hours to 'go to the gym' - then I would enthuse madly about how much I loved it, and he can put the children to bed every night because you are going to shape up - it will need at least 2 hours every night at the gym

Or I might start giving him lettuce sandwiches for supper as his lovehandles are a bit podgy these days

at 5 foot 11 and a size 14 i bet you look pretty damn great. and a stone on a tall frame like yours is nothing.

seriously, what a loser your "d" h is - i am lost for words, but if my dp said that to me i'd show him the door

No she's 5'6, but that's beside the point.

Show him the thread.

But what if he calls my bluff and says he will leave me then?

Then your marriage is obviously in a far worse state than you realise.

OP, I'm the same size as you and most people think I have good figure, yes, I too used to be slimmer but I'm not now, I am medium sized, quite happy, and def not overweight. You need to let him know that he is really hurting your feelings, it is totally not on for him to threaten to go outside marriage, you need to tell him he can leave if thats what he wants ps Has he seen any pics of Christina Hendricks (Mad Men) she's a size (va-va-voom!!) 14 too, Nigella Lawson, Kirsty Allsop? My DP doesn't want me to get slimmer again because of 2 partcular things that have grown in size since having DS

Exactly ValiumSkeleton- magazine slim- he probably has a warped view of how a woman should look, as do many people. Size 14 isn't fat. Regardless of that, the way he is acting is a joke

oh sorry i misread it but 5 foot 6 is still pretty tall. and fine for size 14 IMO. and i agree with you katisha

"Have a great marriage that I don't want to lose"

No. Sorry but IME that isn't a great marriage. A great marriage helps to bolster your confidence and self-esteem because you feel loved and valued. I've got lines and bulges I never had before. DH still wants me as much as ever.

Good point ghoulishglenda about the gym thing & him looking after DC's.

agreed arfasleep, those women are all gorgeous

NB not fantastic attitude but like a fascist, i.e. only one look is acceptable: skinny. He genuinely can't see how women over size 10 can be attractive. The thing is I was never that skinny when we first met anyway! Always been size 12 at the thinnest. It's like he's made an exception for me with the idea that i'll step up.
If I'm right then I just feel really bleak about the future.

Well, he won't. What he wants is a wife who is dieting and miserable in order to try and please him, and an iron cast excuse to fuck around.

What he doesn't want is to find himself single, without his children or his wife or his home, and with all his friends telling him he's a shallow twat.

But honestly, if he would ACTUALLY leave you because you refused to lose a stone, then you should let him. Because if his "blind spot" is so big that he will walk away from his marriage, then he's not the man you think you love.

Yes i agree Nigella is gorgeous

If you do want to try to save things, change his attitude, it might be an idea to arrange some nights out with your friends all dolled up, it can do wonders for your self-esteem & if he knows you're getting attention it 'might' change his attitude. If it doesn't at least you can have some fun, & little boost to your self-esteem . I'm trying to think how to help but v hard, its not about you though, its def his problem. Also bad for your DD, he needs to change his attitude & soon.

I used to have a boyfriend like this, and found it very very wearing - as in wearing-down, wearing-out, tiring and getting to my entire self-image - indeed. I am so sorry.

Tell him that whether or not you lose weight, you will never have sex with him again because his woman-hating attitude is such a turn off.

hear hear.

Oh God. My XP was like this. I dropped down to 8.2 stone to 'keep him'. I'm 5'8" so you can imagine how I looked.

Turns out he shagged about anyway. Not a very nice man as it happens.

So sorry you are going through this but for godsake, DO NOT LOSE WEIGHT EVER FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU!!

And you really don't need too. Not at all.

He is emotionally abusing you.

Vile.

I know an easy way you lost around 12stone in just one day.

Step 1) pack his bags
Step 2) throw his bags out
Step 3) throw out the 12stone of useless lard after his bags.

Simples.

Dooin - [hgrin]

EXCELLENT!!

How sad :(

When DH and I got together I was a size 10-12, I've had 3 children in the last 5 years and am pregnant with my 4th, I've put on about 3 or 4 stone(!) and our love life is no different at all and DH tells me I'm gorgeous everyday and even compliments my more round bottom

The point is, he probably WOULD prefer me to be the size I was when we mt, mostly for MY CONFIDENCE but he would never ever say so!

For your DHs info, I have been doing the Dukan diet (for myself, nothing to do with DH) , and there is a calculation on there for your ideal weight. It takes into account how many pregnancies you have had, and expects you to be proportionally heavier. In other words, the sleb idea of getting back to your impossibly thin pre-baby weight is not normal.

Ok so this is just one diet, but it's pretty normal to have your body change after children. DOes he not get this? It also affects different women in different ways.

Obviously he has learnt all this from looking at his mother. And it's sad he hasn't got the intelligence not to apply it to you as well.

And as someone said earlier, what else - are you allowed to age at all?

If it's all about how you look then I deduce that he is shallow and not worthy of you.