DH says not interested in me sexually anymore unless i lose weight

[readinginbed]

Don't really know how to handle this. DH says he hasn't fancied me since we had DS and DD (now 3 and 4) because i've gained a stone and gone up a couple of dress sizes. He says he's not interested in sex until i lose weight. He's always had this fascistic attitude towards women's bodies but i just think i can't stand it any more. We love each other and have a great family life but i can't handle the constant self-esteem battering he is putting me through. I'm reasonably happy with my body and don't think sexual attraction is one-dimensional. I think he has issues because his mother is thin and glamorous but doesn't have any sort of intimacy with any men including her DH. Looking for advice really. Have a great marriage that I don't want to lose but it feels like my self-respect will be in tatters if i conform to DH's wishes and lose weight. I am only 33 so god knows what he will be like when I am older and more podgy.

I wonder if this is actually tied up with his OWN body image? Is he really happy being so thin - maybe he thinks he looks weedy and unworthy of you, so he is controlling you by destroying your self esteem.

He knows you are a brilliant catch so wants to make sure you are rendered as unattractive as possible (by being totally despondent).

Either way, he needs help. Take advice given earlier and get out and about a bit with people who appreciate you. No 'good dad' disrespects his children's mother like this.

I wondered that too abedelia, though more in the sense that he may be trying to normalise his own body by trying to bring OP's down to his weight too.
Either way, very unhealthy.

He doesn't want to have sex with you because he now sees you as a mother, not a foxy girlfriend -- yes as you suggested earlier his mother problems run very deep. And I think he has already gone elsewhere if he has mentioned it out loud and tied it to the red herring that is your weight. [hsad]

My exH used to give me a hard time about my weight, (am also 5'6" and I was about 10 st after babies) and it turned out he really preferred much more, eh, boyish figures.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off and see how he likes his skinny right hand and a CSA payment, while you get yourself laid every which way by a real man who loves a real woman's body.

Excellent post, Gay40. :)

I was told stuff like this by my H in the past. He would, though, after a while, of no sex, want to have it again. His comments and thinking about my appearance (especially my body) became entrenched in my mind, and killed my ability to perform with him sexually.

Out of interest, OP, does he make negative comments in relation to anything else to do with you?

oh thissounds just like my first husband. and yes in the end i did find out he was 'post rationalising' of course it was my fault i was not perfect so that gave him the excuse to have an adiction to pedaphile material.

i was sooooo happy when he told me he would just have to leave because i was not good enough. life is sooooo much better now.

readinginbed how are you doing? I hope you feel vindicated by this unanimous back-up, even though I'm sure it will take a while to process.

intersting that Op hasn't been back

Looks like your instincts were right on this one then.

< shrugs >

It's been really really good to hear so many replies that think i'm not being oversensitive. Thank you. It's given me the backbone to talk to DH straight. Was awful but stuck to my guns and he read this thread. He has booked a psychotherapist. I'm hopeful. THank you again everyone.

[hsmile]

weird to think i sounded like a troll...does that make me a budding novelist? ;)
GF that thought did cross my mind..... it's my plan B. :)

(GF gay40 i mean)

and weird that you came back to answer just in time [hwink]

"Curiouser and Curiouser" said Alice.

< takes Mal's hand and skips off to Wonderland >

I have a friend whose dh used to say things like this about her weight and wanting her to be really thin...turns out he is gay.