DH says not interested in me sexually anymore unless i lose weight

[readinginbed]

Don't really know how to handle this. DH says he hasn't fancied me since we had DS and DD (now 3 and 4) because i've gained a stone and gone up a couple of dress sizes. He says he's not interested in sex until i lose weight. He's always had this fascistic attitude towards women's bodies but i just think i can't stand it any more. We love each other and have a great family life but i can't handle the constant self-esteem battering he is putting me through. I'm reasonably happy with my body and don't think sexual attraction is one-dimensional. I think he has issues because his mother is thin and glamorous but doesn't have any sort of intimacy with any men including her DH. Looking for advice really. Have a great marriage that I don't want to lose but it feels like my self-respect will be in tatters if i conform to DH's wishes and lose weight. I am only 33 so god knows what he will be like when I am older and more podgy.

Totoros, because you are more than the sum of your parts, you're a whole person and his attraction to you is more 'hollistic' ifthat's the right word !

OP's husband. does he love her? He can't bring himself to have sex with her because she's not magazine slim. does that sound like love?

Just because he is skinny, he should not think he is healthy.

"He is a great father for the children."

• no is isn't, because he ends up doing this to your DCs, he will likely give them eating disorders.

"he threatens to look for sex outside the marriage, saying it would be hard for him not to "give in" to "normal male urges"."

Try kicking him the balls and then tell him you found it hard not to give in to normal female urges.

It is effectively what he has just done to you.

There is a thread live at the moment:

When a man tells you what he is like listen

I think you have a case in point. Your DH is telling you he will only fancy you if you stay slim and young, and if you don't he will feel free to shag around.

I think you should listen. Even if you lose this stone (and I agree, it dooesn't sound like you are fat) there will be something else in the future, and in the end it will be terminal.

The weight issue is a complete red herring here.

This thread is about emotional abuse and finding an excuse for infidelity. In fact he has probably already been unfaithful and is post-rationalising.

What would happen if you called HIS bluff and left him? A few months out in the world trying to get Size Zero 20 year olds to stop giving him dirty looks long enough to sleep with him will soon wisen him up, I bet!

OP, is this just coming up now? Your children aren't newborns, presumably you've been carrying the "extra" weight for several years. Has he recently brought this up? If so, I agree absolutely with WWIFN - he's post-rationalising. If he's been going on about this for 4 years, then you might as well call his bluff since he clearly won't.

"post-rationalising" is that what it's called? I like that. I was suddenly and cruelly dumped once by a man parted terms with me by delivery a rather brutal character assassination. He then got to walk away with a totally clear conscience because I was so awful.

If this thread is for real

LEAVE HIM and do it quick

I had a step father with this attitude and I ended up with eating disorders and mental health problems

vile, disgusting man

"post-rationalising" eh?

I posted above about my friend whose husband did this sort of thing to her.

I said it didn't end happily. He had been having an affair for ages.

She said he has always preferred very slim women, and married her even though she was a size 12 and he didn't think that was attractive

This type of comment would have me running to the nearest cake shop. If you feel you want to lose weight for yourself thats fine, but definately not to pander to someones image of the 'ideal' woman.

I would give my back teeth to be 11 stone, at a height of 5'6". I've got the height sorted ...

Seriously though, does it not tell you something that NOT ONE PERSON has genuinely backed up your H's position. That shows just how UTTERLY RIDICULOUS he is being!!!

Meow75, approximately 15st, very much desired by DH, turned 35 a week ago Saturday.

Valiumskeleton -i don't think readinginbed said that he had a 'fantastic attitude' but she said he had a 'fascistic attitude'(as in dictatorial) - very different, quite obviously!!

Seriously tho what a complete cunt. I am 5ft 10 and a size 14. Any slimmer and i look awful.

If someone said that to me i would find it hard to want to ever have sex with them again. I cannot believe any one would really say that unless they were covering up for some other reason they don't want sex.

This sounds like control issues to me. I agree with everyone else - Tell him to piss off.

Oh yes spuddy! I read that completely wrong...

Reading your first post, I wonder if his monther is putting pressure on you through him? If she is caught up in the cycle of keeping herself thin and being a glamorouspuss, she may be quietly making him feel that he needs to change you as she cannot cope with you being normal.

Just a thought...

The problem with this kind of conditional type of "lurve" is that once one condition has been met, another one springs up in its place. I grew up surrounded by chauvenistic men (father, brothers) and there is ALWAYS something not QUITE right with the women. For instance, she is a few pounds overweight (??!) or she wears glasses or she is a bit too short or .... fill in something else. They could be confronted with a cross between Angelina and another goddess and there would still be a problem with her. It is ALL projection - eg: they are insecure and have a bad attitude towards women and sex but rather than do anything to change their attitude and way of thinking, they simply project the problem onto the women.

One of my brothers was once moaning about how he could never find the perfect woman. In the end I turned around and told him that when he was the perfect man, he might find the perfect woman. That will never happen!

I think that if people are going to be conditional like that then probably the best response is to simply find something you do not like that much about him (body fascist attitude would be one thing perhaps) then tell him that when he has got rid of that, you will consider going to the gym -but of-course if that happens, then you won't need to!

Good answer tadpoles.. What did your brother say?! Or did he think oh sis must be a lesbian.

I think I know the type. I used to work in the city and the men were so critical of ALL women. Whenever they met somebody new ina work situation, even if she were a lawyer or their boss or spoke four languages, they would still break her down to a list of parts. If she didn't laugh at their jokes she was humourless. If she was assertive she was a ball-breaker.

Sounds like his mother is the issue here. He needs a shrink more than you need Weight Watchers.

tell him to fuck right off

He's looking for an excuse to cheat on you. Sorry. Time to stand up to him and tell him he's being a twat.

I spent my life heathily at a size 12. But, typically thinking that if I lost a stone... I could be gorgeous

Bad things happened and I lost the desire to eat (previously unheard of) and I lost that stone and probably more...

I looked ill

I felt ill

My husband was distraught. He saw my weight loss as evidence of poor mental health.

He was probably right

Sounds like he's putting up the hurdles for you to jump. Chances are, if you lost that magical stone, very soon, he would find something else.

It's all about control.

His, not yours.

I don't get that vibe AF

OP this is NOT normal or usual male behaviour. I do not know one woman whose DPs have stopped wanting sex after babies, no matter how much their bodies changed. Your H is really unpleasant. You could lose a stone but it wouldn't fix anything, he'd still be a nasty, shallow twat.

Do you feel you have had enough advice yet?

I totally get what AF is saying.