When a man tells you what he is like,,,listen! Or, red flag time

[Janos]

You know, the men who just drop into a conversation that they aren't nice people, or think it's funny to drop kick bunny rabbits, or that they did this awful, really bad thing one time but will never do it again, honest guv'nor?

They are telling you something. Listen. And don't ignore your instincts.

It's been said before, I just feel that this is worth repeating.

I think you can be nice and be assertive!

I've had problems with this in the past and have learnt how to do it.

tippytap - how do you tell? I don't know. I think, for example, if you put up with all sorts of horrible behaviour that is making you feel unhappy that you are likely to have poor boundaries.

makitai - that is very true. These kind of people are emotional vampires - they suck out all the good bits and leave you feeling worn out.

Sometimes though, they will say something pretty innocuous-seeming,almost in passing like - "you deserve better than me" or you are too trusting" or " I am not a good person" and it's only later when they have been revealed to have a wife, or been thieving from your bank account that you realise it was a kind of warning.

LOL msboogie

it is about trusting your own instincts and judgements and not making excuses EVER for bastardiness on the part of men.

Thank you dittany. I think it's really important to highlight this sort of this.

I do understand why/how it can happen. I had an EA XP (who I suspect was NPD) and my boundaries were all over the shop after we split.

I didn't know what a good relationship or normal behaviour was like.

tippy, that was a great little lesson in asertiveneness you taught your dd! AND the man. That attitude is so prevalent in our society, the one where we teach our children to be...what? tolerant? Are we then teaching them to not have boundaries?

As Janos says, be nice and be assertive...it's a tricky course to navigate.

I'm not joking - it has happened to me and even though a tiny bell tinkled at the back of my brain I ignored it. For a while.

Dittany, that's it we (women, children, teenagers, maybe some men) need to learn how to make character judgements.

Having said that, I am an intelligent, professional woman with (I think) high self-esteem yet sometimes I wonder about how good my character judgements are.

But some people - men and women - say bad things about themselves because they've not got great self-esteem. When my DH and I were getting together, I told him I was a really horrible person, lost my temper too easily and couldn't love anyone properly. Because that was what my delightful ex and charming parents had led me to believe. I imagine by now DH knows this isn't true! I just said it because I was so nervous of messing up a nice person's life.

The question is, how do you tell the difference between someone who's got no self-confidence, and someone who's genuinely unpleasant and trying it on? Not so easy as it sounds, I think?

Mumonthenet.

Thanks! She told me that she did tell the teacher as he wouldn't stop.

As to nice and assertive. Why do women have to do both? Men don't worry about being nice all the time.

My Ex was EA and within about 2 weeks had told me that he loved me. He also told me a funny" story about how he'd almost slept with his best friends gf. The only thing that stopped him was that she changed her mind.

Oh, and he didn't think that happy couples should "argue" at all. Of course, this was because he was Always Right.

There's other stuff too, but I wish I'd listened to my instincts a heck of a lot more.

I agree with mumonthenet tippy - you handled that situation very well.

That's the sort of message girls need to get from early on.

The other sad thing is that it is often only experience (and age) that hones your twat radar

20 years ago my radar was rubbish (upbringing issues, poor self-esteem etc)

these days, my radar is finely chiselled and I can spot the fuckers a mile off

"Why do women have to do both? Men don't worry about being nice all the time."

Good point, actually.

I think there are other clues LittleRedPumpkin.

If somebody is a bad'n as opposed to just having low self esteem (for example) they will find a way to show it.

Janos, very true

and I think it is a wider issue too, and not just about the man/woman relationship dynamic

I am certainly not as "nice" a person as I used to be

for lots of reasons

"The other sad thing is that it is often only experience (and age) that hones your twat radar"

Yup, too true scaryfucker.

Scary, so true...it's age and experience that hones your twat radar.

Which brings me back to us teaching our daughters, teenagers in general to develop twatradars. V. important. But How?

Mumonthenet,

I guess we teach our daughters by letting them know that they don't have to be nice all of the time.

To teach that tha it is ok to say "no" and that it is alright to express how they feel without being made to feel bad or guilty.

And that they can still do this and be respectful of other peoples feelings and beliefs.

I think that some women feel that they have to be in a relationship. They are so busy trying to meet someone that their standards slip lower and lower. I was one of those women.
It is only now, that I have not only been single for a reasonable ammount of time, but really enjoy my single life, that I can see the bastards coming. I would like to meet someone, but I'm not prepared to have anyone in my life, unless they really enhance what I already have.

I have a teeange dd, and this kinda stuff keeps me awake at night

A potential boyfriend of mine told me that he was very careful with money , in other words tight. I ran like the wind. He ended up going out with a friend of mine who said that he was a tight arse.
OP you are so right