When a man tells you what he is like,,,listen! Or, red flag time

[Janos]

You know, the men who just drop into a conversation that they aren't nice people, or think it's funny to drop kick bunny rabbits, or that they did this awful, really bad thing one time but will never do it again, honest guv'nor?

They are telling you something. Listen. And don't ignore your instincts.

It's been said before, I just feel that this is worth repeating.

oh god yes! I think they do it to see whether you are gullible.

I believe it's a technique known as 'testing the water' aka 'seeing what she will put up with'.

Correct response is of course to run away, fast as you like and don't look back.

Don't, fgs, think you can change him. Or, he doesn't mean it he's nice really etc etc

Examples, please!

If you think a man is a "challenge" or he just needs the "love of a good woman" ...the chances are...

you are heading for disaster.

Hmmmm...trying to think of some now.

Well, say you are on a date with A. You having a lovely chat. A makes some comment that you can't quite believe you heard. Perhaps something along the lines of 'fat people shouldn't be allowed out in public' (fairly mild example, obv).

At this point do you think:

a) Gosh, well, maybe he has a point

OR

b) Yuck, what a loser

That kind of thing.

'I'm a loner'

does not mean

'I can be brought out of myself by the love of a good woman and we will be found laughing at tables of friends with glasses of wine in the future'

It means

'I am a loner'

and if you, the person listening to this, are at all sociable (like, you have at least one friend who you see more than twice a year; you are on speaking/visiting terms with at least 50% of your immediate family), YOU WILL BE MISERABLE trying to remain in touch with your friends and family; either you will have to go to everything on your own, and will get cat's bum mouth when you return for 'abandoning' him, or you will drag him to some things which you will then have to leave after 60 minutes of slog trying to include him in the conversation, followed by impassioned ranting from him all the way home about what immature bitches your friends/sisters are, or you will give up, stay at home and your life will reduce to a tiny pinhead of just you and him. God help you if you have children with a 'loner' because the social and family side of pregnancy, childrearing, schoolgoing etc will be utterly beyond him.

And breathe.

Yes ButterflyEffect, grooming is a good way to describe it.

The thing is, as Janos says, - and this is so important.

DON'T IGNORE YOUR INSTINCTS.

So, to embroider butterfly's example, you might be able to rationalise the conversation you're hearing from him...like someone is a slag,

or you see him kick a dog - you could rationalise it thus:

he's afraid of the dog
he's had a bad day
the dog was bothering him

But your instinct is telling you ooo-er. DON'T IGNORE YOUR INSTINCTS.

mak

oh don't worry tall, i left that one

though unfortunately dh has some similar characteristics

oh yes, these fuckers usually let slip about the real person inside quite early on

the problem is, people do not listen

This has been a bit of an eye-opener for me, thanks.

Looking back though...

I think the problem is not so much that people don't listen scaryfucker..they rationalise it away and make excuses. Or could be they have poor boundaries, or maybe they feel uncomfortable but can't quite put their finger on why?

Also, women are conditioned to be nice and accomodating and not to display anger.

Actually, mumonthenet explained it better than me!

Janos -

Interesting point. How do you know if you have poor boundaries though and how would you go about fixing them?

I agree though that women are conditioned to be nice and not to show anger or any other negative emotion.

I am using the term "do not listen" very widely

there are lots of reasons why people do not (or are unable to) listen

don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but what it boils down to is that some people are liars and some people are vulnerable to liars

And some people love to be needed, and gain a lot of self-esteem from helping others.

There is a difference between someone who needs help, but can also give it, and someone who will absorb every bit of your spare positive character, without being able to give you much except control.

Yep, it's to do with Boundaries and how women are conditioned to be nice.

It makes we worried, am I conditioning my daughters to be nice?

I need to think about this.....

Mumonthenet

I have one dd and I know exactly what you mean.

My dd has just started school and one little boy keeps trying to kiss her. Not a big problem, so I told her to say "no", and, if he keeps on, to tell the teacher.

I heard her father telling her that the boy was "just being nice", and that it doesn't matter.

I explained to both of them that DD did NOT have to kiss anyone that she didn't want to.

Grrrr.

Janos it is SO true