out of the frying pan..?

[crimsonpetal]

I posted on here a while ago about my DP not respecting my boundaries and, basically, making me cry. Everyone on here was great and told me that it wasn't right, and eventually I did get it together enough to split up with him (although I didn't tell him why, as that would have caused arguments - 'But I'm not like that' etc.)

However I'm now about a month into a new relationship and I'm worried it's the same thing. During sex, he really likes to put his hands round my neck and/or hold me really tight, almost crushing me or choking me. It's happened a few times. I tell him 'too tight' or 'let go' and he relaxes for a bit, but then it happens again as he's about to, you know, come.

Up until now I've been excusing it as the fact that a man can't remember a single thing right before he comes, and it must just be an instinctive thing. But is it a bit weird? Maybe I'm just oversensitive because of last time, but I would like some objective advice if that's possible...

If you don't like it, tell him not to do it.

If he doesn't stop, LEAVE, and don't go back.

Why are you with this guy? If he behaves like this a month into a new relationship I don't hold out much hope for the future.
It sounds like you have self esteem issues. Please get rid of him and be kind to yourself.

So really you are asking 'Shall I stay with a man who strangles me during sex?'

"Up until now I've been excusing it as the fact that a man can't remember a single thing right before he comes, and it must just be an instinctive thing".

Utter, utter garbage I'm afraid - there is no excuse, if you've asked him not to do it and he carries on despite that fact, he's abusive so get rid of him.

Please get out of this situation :(

Firstly if he's like this now, what's he going to be like in the future - this first stage of a relationship you should almost be more cautious of anything which might upset your partner. Honestly at this stage he should be bending over backwards to make you happy. It worries me that this is him in his girlfriend-pleasing mode, what's he going to be like when he relaxes into the relationship?

Secondly even if I am being over-cautious with my first piece of advice (which I doubt, btw) it's clear that he has a seemingly uncontrollable (doubtful that it really is uncontrollable, BTW) fetish which makes you feel unsafe - one or the other of you is always going to have to compromise, and already he's made it clear he expects that person to be you. You're not sexually compatible, AND he is happy to go along with something which makes you feel uncomfortable.

Massive red flags I'm afraid. All men are NOT like this, I can promise you.

FFS! Finish it now, today, and never let him in your hourse again.

Bollocks a man cant remember things before he comes. Have you discussed this and told him you dont like it , or are you simply saying " too tight " ect ?

If you havent already stressed that you dont like it and not to do it , you need to be very clear. Once you tell him you dont like it he shouldnt do it again and if he does you need to bin him.

Hes clearly into that sort of sex which is usually lacking intimacy and all about him. If he wanted to explore something like that there should have been a conversation about it , he doesnt get to decide what hes going to do to your body .

I wouldnt be surprised if his violent sexual behaviour escalates , it is well documented as a red flag im afraid . Does he pester you for sex ect ? Have you read the early warning signs of an abuser that are often posted on here ?

He doesn't put his hands round in stereotypical 'strangling' position, but puts one arm behind my head and then holds my neck with his fingers. At first he said 'Do you want me to hold you?' and I said yes, because he wasn't really touching me (except in the obvious place!) he was just holding himself over me. He does relax it when I tell him to, unless it's when he's right about to come and then he just grabs and it can be quite suffocating and difficult for me to speak - I have told him this. He will also push one of my thighs right back until it is pushing against my chest, which makes it hard to breathe sometimes. It seems like he just gets 'lost in the moment' which I thought all guys did.

He doesn't pester for sex (doesn't have to at the moment, honeymoon period and all that)

I've kind of always expected that sex is going to be a bit uncomfortable right before they come, because they have to really hammer into you - or that may just have been the men I've slept with (not many, btw) ?

Er, no....

Jesus, someone tell her... MAL! perfect....

NO, No, NO , men don't have to do that at all!

You need to choose different men and not selfish arseholes - what he is doing is not being "lost in the moment" - does he watch a lot of porn by any chance?.

I've kind of always expected that sex is going to be a bit uncomfortable right before they come, because they have to really hammer into you - or that may just have been the men I've slept with (not many, btw) ?

Erm no!

because they have to really hammer into you - or that may just have been the men I've slept with (not many, btw) ?

No , only selfish ignorant arseholes who dont care whether they hurt you do this.

Tell him to fuck off op and give yourself some time to recover from your first horrible relationship. It doesnt even sound like your having mutually enjoyable sex , it seems hes just using your body to get himself off.

He,ll be thinking its fucking christmas being allowed to hammer you and position you ect.

Seriously, if you expect it to be uncomfortable then you've never had a considerate and worthwhile partner. DH had never hurt me during sex, even when "lost in the moment" I say get yourself someone who cares about you and not what he wants all the time.

Crimson I would know you on here, right? Is this a relationship with a big age gap, like others you have had?

Even if you don't want to reveal all, like the others have said, no this isn't how it should be and there is no temporary amnesia before a male orgasm.

Whether his behaviour is "normal" or not, and whether he is being aggressive or not, you don't like it. That counts for everything.

Some people like rough sex, and that's absolutely fine if both people are equally enthusiastic participants. But rough and controlling sex where one isn't a willing participant means something is going wrong somewhere.

Trust yourself in this. Really.

Everything they just said is right - he sounds like a bit of a nutter (almost certainly too much porn!).

Bin him soonest and get someone a bit more loving!

WWIFN, you are right - knew people would recognise, it was intended. Had to delete last thread, people who knew us would have recognised it.

I don't think he does watch a lot of porn, Mal - he says it's boring. Of course really I have no idea, he may do.

He is all very charming, handsome, rich etc. but there is this flaw. Pre-MN I would probably have just put up with it, but it is ringing alarm bells already because of what I was told before. The pattern is the same - saying 'sorry' afterwards (but this one is not so contrite/mind-warpy as ex) and says he'll try not to do it again, but clearly not seeing what he's doing wrong.

This aside, I'm still a bit confused about the whole coming thing - obviously they need to thrust harder in order to push themselves over the edge ( ) ?

Oh crimson I thought it was you .

I'm worried about you because I remember seeing a post from you when you said that when ever you sleep with a man, you feel you give away a part of you. So I hope you can detach from this loser more easily than I fear.

Please get some really good quality counselling or even cognitive behavioural therapy, like we advised on your thread and the one you posted afterwards, when you had exited that abusive relationship. I don't think you spent enough time between ending that relationship and starting this one.

I don't think the last relationship is totally responsible for skewing your radar, I think it has always been skewed, from what you've said on other threads. Is this bloke your usual type then; much, much older, alpha-male, successful, charismatic, but with skewed attitudes to women and sex?

What's his back story of relationships? Like Mal, I'm sceptical that he doesn't use porn, but where has he learnt that this sexual behaviour is acceptable? More to the point, why have you, a fiercely intelligent feminist woman, absorbed this theory that men have to "hammer" into you in order to come and that they lose control and cognisance that they are in fact, hurting their partner?

You will be sick of me saying this on your threads, but you are bargaining away far too much again and setting your standards too low.

Oh, I recognise you, crimson. Well DONE for leaving that other bloke.

But, seriously. You need to be single for a bit and get to know yourself. Your boundaries are really, really skewed, love. This idea that men have to hurt you, are allowed to hurt you, can't remember or be held responsibel for hurting you - it's all so horrible and so wrong.

It's good that you're recognising this pattern, because that's what it is. This guy sounds really similar to the other one, his method of inflicting sexual pain is just different.

The problem is that you keep going for the same bloke (your father) and therefore it must seem to you that all blokes like to inflict pain and humiliate you. It's just not true, at all.

You need to break this off. And you need to stay away from men for a while, because otherwise you'll just do the same thing next time.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I wish you could just find a nice bloke who respects you. But you're not choosing those guys, you're choosing these nasty alpha-male misogynist wankers, and that's what you need to work on.

Haven't really got anything to add other than to say I agree with everything that's been said already.

I remember you too and think it's a shame that you've jumped into a relationship so quickly after ending your last one. Finishing with your ex was a massive positive step but all the benefit to your self esteem has been undone by you getting involved with another idiot.

It's not necessary for men to 'hammer into you' in order to make themselves come. Sex shouldn't always be this aggressive act that you have to submit to. I don't like the sound of this new guy but I'm so glad you're now able to recognise the warning signs early.

The thing is, my father wasn't abusive at all. Just a bit distant. Looking back, I think it might have been damaging to me that he got together with my now-stepmother at a sensitive time for me, and I felt like it was a competition. So these men are like replacement father-figures. Looking back, the ex was quite controlling in subtle ways, always on about what I ate (not enough), me not being safe (walking around by myself at night, driving too fast, whatever). I think he quite liked the parental role and I quite liked being parented in a weird way, even though it annoyed me.

I think I must be the 'type' to attract the alpha-male skewed-attitudes kind of men. I am quite young/childlike looking and, although I'm strong in lots of ways, I think I'm quite easy to manipulate in relationships.

Argh! Dump this man, get yourself some counselling and make a promise to yourself that you will not date or have sex with anyone for at least a year. You need to break the mental pattern or you will just go from one abuser to another until one of them kills you.

but you are telling to walk out of your life aren't you? It's not healthy. You need to love you first. Leave men alone for a while.

Oh crimson your father was abusive. He had an affair with someone and your parents' marriage broke up as a result. Your parents were both neglectful towards you and so caught up with the ensuing chaos, that you got left behind. Can I suggest you have a read about "attachment styles" and see the damage your parents did to you?

Tortoise is right (as usual). You are constantly trying to replace your Father. This has led to skewed idea about what is acceptable in relationships and acceptable behaviour in men.

Take that break and date no one. Use the time wisely and get some help for all this. We can see why you are attracted to men like this, but have a think about why they are attracted to you - it's not pleasant, I assure you.