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Original poster

out of the frying pan..?

104 replies

crimsonpetal · 24/10/2010 11:57

I posted on here a while ago about my DP not respecting my boundaries and, basically, making me cry. Everyone on here was great and told me that it wasn't right, and eventually I did get it together enough to split up with him (although I didn't tell him why, as that would have caused arguments - 'But I'm not like that' etc.)

However I'm now about a month into a new relationship and I'm worried it's the same thing. During sex, he really likes to put his hands round my neck and/or hold me really tight, almost crushing me or choking me. It's happened a few times. I tell him 'too tight' or 'let go' and he relaxes for a bit, but then it happens again as he's about to, you know, come.

Up until now I've been excusing it as the fact that a man can't remember a single thing right before he comes, and it must just be an instinctive thing. But is it a bit weird? Maybe I'm just oversensitive because of last time, but I would like some objective advice if that's possible...

OP posts:
Original poster
crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 13:43

I don't think he had an affair - my mother was a bit of a nightmare and left. She has said she doesn't think he was having an affair first, but maybe he was. But the marriage was effectively over a few years before, I think.

It's not exactly a newsflash that men fancy younger women though, is it? I would imagine they are attracted to me as a trophy, maybe (I am nice as well though!)

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 25/10/2010 13:47

Jesus H Christ!

Please get rid. Please.

I am actually worried about you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/10/2010 13:48

I think they are attracted to you because you look like a child, have low expectations and tolerate poor treatment.

And you say your parents' marriage broke up because your Mum was a "nightmare" and left? Your last DP described his ex-wife in similar terms, didn't he?

Don't you think that a lot of your bargaining is so that you won't be that "nightmare woman"?

Original poster
crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 13:50

It's me who thinks my mum was (is, can be) a nightmare. She's alright most of the tiome but she can be horrendous. DP's ex was 'passive', I seem to recall (which I think was a euphemism for 'frigid' - his view).

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/10/2010 13:56

Yes, I know you think your Mum was a nightmare, but it's interesting that the worst description you give your Dad is that he was "a bit distant.."

As I recall, you bought the story your DP gave of his ex-wife that she was obsessed with household chores, to the detriment of sex, that most hackneyed of female stereotypes.

Can you see the male behaviour that your default position is to ignore? And can you see that it might help you more if you unravel why you do that?

Original poster
crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 14:04

That kind of is the worst you can say about him though. He just never gets bothered - in a good way or a bad way - about anything. He is quite passive. But it's just as wearing and demoralising as someone being the opposite after a while.

exDP's story of his ex was, yes, that the kids were the centre of her life and she didn't have many interests. On reflection, though, I think he feels the need for a disproportionate amount of interest from the person he's in a relationship with. On several occasions he got really insecure with me about certain things, which basically boiled down to the fact that I hadn't been totally perfect/nice/charming for 5 mins so he was feeling 'rejected'.

I don't know how to stop being so biddable.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/10/2010 14:10

crimson I'm going to bow out for a while now so that you can hear from others. It's as clear as day to me, what's going on with you, but it might help you more if get other views, or corroborating insights.

Original poster
crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 14:50

WWIFN - so what IS going on with me? I know I bargain away too much, put up with too much etc. and maybe why (the parent thing) but will I always be like this then? It feels like it might be irreversible, if it is due to my childhood and also having been with xDP for more than 2 years. Maybe that's just how I am. I have got counselling booked to start in 2 weeks, btw.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 25/10/2010 15:19

I think you just need to be on your own for a bit and take time to work on your self esteem and figure out what your boundaries are and how to be assertive about enforcing them.

It's no wonder you feel like you're not getting anywhere in terms of self-advancement if most of your energy is spent wasted on rubbish men.

Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Concentrate on you for a while. Find out who you are when you're not part of a dysfunctional relationship.

dignified · 25/10/2010 17:55

Crimson , it absoluteley IS reversable . It takes learning , and guts initially to say No , but it is definateley reversable.

I very rareley get put upon nowadays as i avoid that sort of charecter in the first place , theyre easy to spot once you know what your looking for .

Original poster
crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 21:19

I know - all of this is not helped by the fact that I am still in touch with ex-p, and I suppose still quite attached to him. He tries to get me to sleep with him sometimes, but most of it is 'checking how I am' and also telling me that he misses me, although the break-up was agreed so that I could move on. But emotionally we are still involved, I'm as much to blame as he is. The only way to be fully separate from him is a period of cold turkey, but it's really hard and he does lay the 'I still love you' stuff on really thick.

I am a mess!

OP posts:
TorturesInAHalfHell · 26/10/2010 13:02

Right, well, first things first - break off the contact. I don't care if you'll miss him, that's not why you're in contact. You're in contact because he lays on the guilt and the "i still love you". So break off not just as a gesture towards the end of this relationship but also as practice - here is a way to put your needs before that of a man. He says he needs you, you don't benefit from the interaction - so, cut it off. The world won't end.

I have a similar tendency, by the way, and in recent years I've felt I have nothing to lose and I've been far, far blunter with men who are after me. And the thing is, it turns none of them off. I mean, I have to persist waaaayyyyy beyond the point where I used to think "that's it, I'll die alone with a mangy cat licking my corpse".

So break up from Mr "I'm concerned for your welfare and I'll let you move on by the way will you fuck me tonight".

madonnawhore · 26/10/2010 13:20

So what if he still 'loves' you? Just because that's how he says he feels, you're not under any obligation to him to keep up contact. If you don't want to see him any more, how he feels shouldn't really come into it.

I've been where you are and I really do understand what it's like to have low self-esteem and to be a 'man pleaser' because of having no clue about how to assert your own needs. Believe me, I know all about it.

But honestly, no male attention is better than any male attention at any cost.

ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 13:40

look love, your idea of what constitutes a loving relationship is fucked-up beyond belief

you are still in contact with your abusive ex-P, allowing him to mind-fuck you and are currently sleeping with someone who thinks it's OK to strangle you and treat you like a shag-bag when he orgasms ?

you need to step away from men completely and get yourself some counselling to find out why you value yourself so abysmally

I am serious, stay away from men, you are not fit to be around them with an attitude like yours....you have a big red flashing light that says "abuse me, I will take it" in the middle of your head

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/10/2010 13:46

Crimson one of the reasons you can't detach from him is because you weren't honest with him about the ending of the relationship. That it was because of his violence, masquerading as playfighting - and because he made you cry.
It's not too late to be honest with him, especially if it might get him off your back and he might think twice about abusing some other young woman - but detach from him you must.

I think one of the reasons you're not getting too many responses to your thread is that people haven't tumbled who you are. As you wanted to be recognised, I hope you'll get some more now. I really think you need to hear from lots of posters, particularly those on your original thread, like Dittany, AF etc.

That is not to diminish the advice you have had on this thread so far, which has been spot on. Again, it has shown you that your radar is skewed, but your instincts aren't. I just think it would be even more helpful if people knew more of your back story.

Delighted about the counselling. Smile

ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 14:01

oops, was I harsh then WWIFN?, I have only a vague idea of who the Op is...

madonnawhore · 26/10/2010 14:06

SF, OP posted back in the summer about her P playfighting with her and making her cry and refusing to stop when she asked him to. Remember her?

ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 14:17

I do, MW, and that is who I thought the OP was

I stand by my comment above actually, but have worded it rather cruelly

for that I am sorry but not the sentiment behind it x

Original poster
crimsonpetal · 26/10/2010 15:39

Thanks all, I didn't want to be obvious about who I was straight away because I thought I would just get a load of 'ffs, not again' or maybe be accused of trolling.

I'm still in touch with exP because, to be honest, I do still adore him. But deep down I know he is being quite manipulative even if he doesnt realise himself. He has offered getting married and having a baby - I've said no even though part of me would still like to. I did dump him because of the 'playfighting' but also because, as I said above, I suspect he can only be 'in love' when the woman is being either 100% perfect or sweet and vulnerable. I don't think he'd deal well with any imperfections in me and, tbh, would probably use it as an excuse to cheat, which he did during his marriage. TBPH - the playfighting I could have put up with.

I take your point, AF, about me giving out signals. But surely if a guy was decent he wouldn't pick up on them, or wouldn't act on them. Surely the way I am couldn't turn a man from being nice into being an abuser?

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 15:52

no, of course it couldn't

but the signals you (may be) giving, (I don't know you of course), are absolute magnets for manipulative men

I hope you can get some help with that

and in the meantime, kick the ex and the Boston Fucking Strangler into the middle of next week

are you thinking of staying with the current guy ?

Original poster
crimsonpetal · 26/10/2010 20:36

The thing is, after everything it's still difficult to believe that it's really the worst thing ever, as it's confined to sex (at the moment, I suppose) and it's just a bit of discomfort that is soon over.

The thing about being honest with the ex about how bothered I was with the playfighting is that he has this absolutely rock-solid conception of himself as being a decent guy who cares in bed etc. He used to tell me all the time how caring he was (and he is 99% of the time). He really believes it. So if I tried to tell him the reason I broke up with him, he would just refuse to believe it. He would turn it all back on me, and it would be upsetting.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 20:42

it's just a bit of discomfort that is soon over.

That is the saddest thing I have read today.

Why are you submitting to this ?

Faaamily · 26/10/2010 20:47

You need to work out for yourself why you are attracted to these unpleasant men. And they are unpleasant. In the meantime, stay single.

I got into a very destructive cycle of dating abusive, sadistic men in my late teens and early twenties and had to go 'cold turkey' - ie. break all contact and be completely single - for a good while in order to figure out what I wanted, what was important to me and, crucially, why I was going for these bastards time and time again.

I remember your thread about your ex, btw. He sounded severely abusive. You have escaped. Don't fall into the same trap again.

ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 20:49

Faaamily, I think she already has [hsad]

TDaDa · 26/10/2010 21:03

Did you tell Man2 about Man1's behaviour?

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