out of the frying pan..?

[crimsonpetal]

I posted on here a while ago about my DP not respecting my boundaries and, basically, making me cry. Everyone on here was great and told me that it wasn't right, and eventually I did get it together enough to split up with him (although I didn't tell him why, as that would have caused arguments - 'But I'm not like that' etc.)

However I'm now about a month into a new relationship and I'm worried it's the same thing. During sex, he really likes to put his hands round my neck and/or hold me really tight, almost crushing me or choking me. It's happened a few times. I tell him 'too tight' or 'let go' and he relaxes for a bit, but then it happens again as he's about to, you know, come.

Up until now I've been excusing it as the fact that a man can't remember a single thing right before he comes, and it must just be an instinctive thing. But is it a bit weird? Maybe I'm just oversensitive because of last time, but I would like some objective advice if that's possible...

What is BPD?

borderline personality disorder Not you, then - sorry!

Hi Crimson, BACP is good yes, it does include different types of counsellors and therapists. Do ask your counsellor what his approach is/which school of therapy he adheres to. Psychotherapists have generally spent more time in formal study than counsellors but an experienced counsellor could have more experience than a newly qualified psychotherapist. Some counsellors will have trained in counselling psychology and can be known as psychologists.

"Therapist" is also often used to describe a CBT therapist, although some of them are psychologists practising CBT.

Most psychologists are clincial psychologists who may use various approaches.

A general counsellor will be a good way to start to be able to reflect. If they have a psychodynamic approach they will be helpful for getting in touch with patterns created from your upbring (and by the way, I think WWIFN is being too hard on you here, it's very understandable that you would lean towards men for safety with such an erratic mother, it doesn't make you a woman hater. Many young women working in Alpha male environments initially believe the "my (ex) wife is...etc.." lines when chased after by older men, again, doesn't make you a woman hater, just not yet aware of the games people play and easily susceptible given your past).

It's possible that you might find an existential psychotherapist really helpful for the struggle that you're having with finding meaning in life without a relationship and wanting babies to replace something you are missing. There's a good description of what this type of therapy is here:
www.psychotherapy.org.uk/iqs/dbitemid.631/sfa.view/different_types_of_psychotherapy.html

As for self-esteem/assertiveness, your local psychology services may well be running educational groups based on CBT skills, your GP should be able to tell you about this.

Wish you all the best with it. It's going to be worth some short term pain to, in the long term, be in the position to be in a relationship with a kind man, whose babies you want, not just for the sake of having babies but because you want his babies - and someone with whom you will have great, pain free sex :-)

Thanks Euro.
I will see how it goes. I think you are right about the dad/mum thing. Dad made mistakes but he was at least constant and not mad, always remembered birthdays and important things like exams. The whole family agrees that my mother is really quite odd, and no one knows why.