Infidelity and the responsibilties it brings...

[redundenator]

This is my first NM posting - and first of all let me say that I am male and in this I am attempting to explain the thought process a man has when considering infidelity. I am trying to bring something to the party from the other side of the fence and explain why people cheat (and how...).

First of all let me say that the majority of relationships I've had (both in and out of wedlock) have been with other people?s wives. I enjoy the excitement it brings now and enjoyed the freedom it conferred when I was single (not in terms of commitment but in that it allowed a passionate and exciting "fling" without any of the ties that come with a relationship).

As someone else?s partner, when embarking on "extra-curricular" activities it should be emphasised from the outset that one has an over-riding responsibility NO TO GET CAUGHT. Reading some of the heartbreaking experiences other posters are going through no one would wish to inflict that an ones partner.

So, cutting to the chase, why cheat at all? DW and I have a good physical relationship however, in my experience, sexuality is as diverse and varied as the clouds in the sky and we all have fantasies and desires we would be ashamed to admit (even sometimes to ourselves!). The likelihood of finding a partner who matches you perfectly in the regard is remote, however the majority (and I do think it is the majority) of people manage very well without feeling the need to indulge their primal urges outside their own marriage.

Some of us are not satisfied within the bounds of that relationship - at this point choices exist. End your relationship (could be a baby/bathwater scenario there!), sit on your desires (noble, restrained, admirable), have an ?affair? of some description (dangerous and fraught with hazards).

I would postulate that ?diversions? fall into two broad types. A. Partner feels neglected / unloved / unattractive / taken for granted and seeks affirmation in the arms of another. B. Partner wants a type of sexual interaction their husband / wife is uncomfortable / unwilling to consider.

Type A: You have issues within the relationship - don?t have an affair - either sort out the relationship or move on - one life at the end of the day.

Type B: The relationship may be 95% good - either sit on it or carefully seek an outlet elsewhere.

And it is in Type B that the rub, dear readers, falls. So let?s say - and remember that in this instance my experience is with other peoples wives - you decide to seek an outlet.

1. You need someone who will be utterly discrete. Only sensible option, imho, is someone else?s partner, someone who has no intention of disrupting their marriage but seeks a little diversion. They have as much to lose as you do and will understand the need for a communications ?curfew? when partners are around.

1. Have an e-mail account solely for cheating. Protect this scrupulously and delete as much as possible.

1. A pay as you go phone is a must. This should be the ?work phone? you leave switched off and locked in your briefcase when at home.

1. Always always always pay cash when conducting your ?business? elsewhere.

1. Never be tempted to take risks with communications when your partner is around.

1. This is the really key one - define the limits of the relationship from the outset. My current diversion and I do not kiss - this is an intimacy reserved for our partners. We have fantastic relations on an infrequent basis and always fuelled by intense cyber fore-play which leads to explosive meetings.

Why am I taking the time to write all this - well, I want to reassure some of you that seeking outlets elsewhere need not end in disaster if you are careful. Secondly remember that you have a responsibility not to mess it up if you do - risks are exciting but you must be careful at all times.

It is a universal truth that what you don?t know doesn?t hurt you. You will be surprised how many of you, while seething with outrage at my cynical perfidious dalliances, will be in exactly this position as your partners slake their thirsts elsewhere (look how many ?I can?t believe its me post there are.....). What you haven?t found out hasn?t hurt you - and provided your DH/DW acts responsibly it never will.

I would welcome your thoughts and observations (but let?s try and keep it reasoned and rational!). Happy to discuss further in private......

of course it is the 'wrongness' that make it more exciting - but that is also stupid. And again how sad that you dont feel close enough to your wife/partner to find something exciting together.

You have obviously made your mind up and are prepared to sacrifice an honest relationship for this 'excitement'. Lets hope you are as mature enough to allow your partner to leave the relationship with grace if she does find out.

Me-thinks you will not however. Without wanting to sound sexist again (but I know I am) - men like you like the control you have over others but are not so willing to admit to the world what/who you really are.

If you do get caught your excuses will point the finger at anyone else but yourself.

To complete your list for would be cheaters here are some of the excuses you could rehearse beforhand.

Your wifes lake of intamacy - this could be put down to a number of factors such as her age (menopause) and family ties - the birth of a child is always a good one.

You never really knew your wife would object after all it is only XXXX who means nothing to you anyway.

XXXX came onto you - she is well known for putting it about anyway. calling her a marriage wrecker often helps shift the blame from you.

You sound quite clued up on lying anyway so this should be no problem to you anyway.

Please note you will probably also believe your own lies too.

funny isn't it. My dad cheated on my mum but was extremely upset when she started a relationship with someone else after they had split up. Some men do have this weird sense of entitlement which they aren't willing to accept from their women.

knob jockeys, the lot of them!

OP I expect you don't use protection and I therefore repeat what I have already said you are a health risk to everybody you shag.

OP, can I just ask if you went to a boarding school?

Fuck, who cares? The man reeks of entitlement, and here he is, 100+ posts later, with confirmation that his view is worth engaging with.

LOL FA...

May I also add that the fact that your wife is not what you desire in bed, as you imply, is probably down to the fact that you are a boring twat in bed and don't inspire her to do anything other than what she has to. Give her a good lover and she's probably a complete animal in the bedroom. And somebody else is probably benefitting from that (I sincerely hope so anyway).

LAWD this is like some bad fanfiction. Reams of bollocks about thirst slaking....wait for the wet folds and the hard rod of lust

Feck I.

Pompous with pom poms on top.

I think it's likely it did go to boring school.

TorturesInAHalfHell agreed am limping off now!!

Not trying to engage as such...just that we have here a willing specimen for analysis.

What a cock.

A flaccid and unappealing one at that!

Either OP wished to have an objective debate and everyone is entitled to their opinion, or, personality disorder springs to mind.

Hmm, he was quite a catch for his wife, wasn't he?

However, it doesn't sound like a particularly brilliant marriage - he can't discuss his sexual needs with his wife so has to slink off to shag equally emotionally stunted married women, he doesn't know if his wife shags around when she is away, and to cap it all, he is so far up his own arse, his wife probably hasn't seen his face for months (and probably likes it that was too).

Poor woman - hope she is putting it about a lot.

way, not was

Tortures...but do you think his over inflated ego(there to counteract his under inflated penis) recognises the fact that we are all laughing at him because he is a total knob?

I would definitely have an affair.

he also thinks he is good at his job - probably indespensible.

he calls himself the redundanator - does he get rid of threats to his position?

he is a total control freak
his poor wife only puts up with him because she does not know him. He is a coward and knows this - hence he keeps his secrets. The other woman also share in his power - it is odd that cheaters are willing to share that and so making the ow/om seem to hold the power.

Yet he is willing to share with us - how honoured we are.

I think his wife probably does know about it, and is playing him at his own game. ANd when he finds out that she is he will be utterly devastated that his wife could cheat on him. Oh pleeeease make this a relaity tv show, I would PAY to watch his humiliation

HP - It's also alot easier to put up with a partner(husband in this case) you don't see very often. He is addicted to the excitement of it. He is one of many. Have you got children, OP?

I don't think he would be devastated if his wife was cheating on him - I don't think he would really be bothered. But then, unfortunately I don't know him.

iifsn...I don't think his ego could take it and I think he would be outraged.

Tortures...but do you think his over inflated ego(there to counteract his under inflated penis) recognises the fact that we are all laughing at him because he is a total knob?

I don't know, and I don't care. The idea of analysing his emotional reaction makes me want to take a very long nap.

To answer you questions (see - nothing to hide):

1. We have two children.
2. I went to a boarding school, yes.
3. Protection goes without saying (that's why I didn't say it) - you could never cover up a dose could you!

A coulpe of points (those of you who were "shocked" by you DH cheating):

Lots of relationships work just fine - when the DH goes off with someone else it's because the home life isn't doing it. Now children make a change to that, but ask yourselves this- Did I neglect my Husband?

A lot of women become so wrapped up in their children they forget that they are also their husbands sexual partners. Remember that way it was when you started?

Now look at the OW - is she more exciting than you? Makes more of an effort? Just tries a bit harder?

If the man who loved and was satisfied by you no longer is - to an extent - who's fault is that really?

"making yourself available" a few times a week is just not the same thing is it?

oh, youre back are you?, time for a wank is it? better be quick before the office cleaner catches you!