Infidelity and the responsibilties it brings...

[redundenator]

This is my first NM posting - and first of all let me say that I am male and in this I am attempting to explain the thought process a man has when considering infidelity. I am trying to bring something to the party from the other side of the fence and explain why people cheat (and how...).

First of all let me say that the majority of relationships I've had (both in and out of wedlock) have been with other people?s wives. I enjoy the excitement it brings now and enjoyed the freedom it conferred when I was single (not in terms of commitment but in that it allowed a passionate and exciting "fling" without any of the ties that come with a relationship).

As someone else?s partner, when embarking on "extra-curricular" activities it should be emphasised from the outset that one has an over-riding responsibility NO TO GET CAUGHT. Reading some of the heartbreaking experiences other posters are going through no one would wish to inflict that an ones partner.

So, cutting to the chase, why cheat at all? DW and I have a good physical relationship however, in my experience, sexuality is as diverse and varied as the clouds in the sky and we all have fantasies and desires we would be ashamed to admit (even sometimes to ourselves!). The likelihood of finding a partner who matches you perfectly in the regard is remote, however the majority (and I do think it is the majority) of people manage very well without feeling the need to indulge their primal urges outside their own marriage.

Some of us are not satisfied within the bounds of that relationship - at this point choices exist. End your relationship (could be a baby/bathwater scenario there!), sit on your desires (noble, restrained, admirable), have an ?affair? of some description (dangerous and fraught with hazards).

I would postulate that ?diversions? fall into two broad types. A. Partner feels neglected / unloved / unattractive / taken for granted and seeks affirmation in the arms of another. B. Partner wants a type of sexual interaction their husband / wife is uncomfortable / unwilling to consider.

Type A: You have issues within the relationship - don?t have an affair - either sort out the relationship or move on - one life at the end of the day.

Type B: The relationship may be 95% good - either sit on it or carefully seek an outlet elsewhere.

And it is in Type B that the rub, dear readers, falls. So let?s say - and remember that in this instance my experience is with other peoples wives - you decide to seek an outlet.

1. You need someone who will be utterly discrete. Only sensible option, imho, is someone else?s partner, someone who has no intention of disrupting their marriage but seeks a little diversion. They have as much to lose as you do and will understand the need for a communications ?curfew? when partners are around.

1. Have an e-mail account solely for cheating. Protect this scrupulously and delete as much as possible.

1. A pay as you go phone is a must. This should be the ?work phone? you leave switched off and locked in your briefcase when at home.

1. Always always always pay cash when conducting your ?business? elsewhere.

1. Never be tempted to take risks with communications when your partner is around.

1. This is the really key one - define the limits of the relationship from the outset. My current diversion and I do not kiss - this is an intimacy reserved for our partners. We have fantastic relations on an infrequent basis and always fuelled by intense cyber fore-play which leads to explosive meetings.

Why am I taking the time to write all this - well, I want to reassure some of you that seeking outlets elsewhere need not end in disaster if you are careful. Secondly remember that you have a responsibility not to mess it up if you do - risks are exciting but you must be careful at all times.

It is a universal truth that what you don?t know doesn?t hurt you. You will be surprised how many of you, while seething with outrage at my cynical perfidious dalliances, will be in exactly this position as your partners slake their thirsts elsewhere (look how many ?I can?t believe its me post there are.....). What you haven?t found out hasn?t hurt you - and provided your DH/DW acts responsibly it never will.

I would welcome your thoughts and observations (but let?s try and keep it reasoned and rational!). Happy to discuss further in private......

you do know your wife is sucking the milkmans cock right now dont you? - i work in a predominantly female environment and there are only about 5 out of the 70 who havent had it up the arse from the milkman!, please feel free to discuss it privatly with me if you wish!

Only with himself, while Mummy and Daddy are watchig Emmerdale downstairs.

And if you are Jeremy Clarkson, can you please put Richard Hammond on? He's much more of a catch and far less boring

I think one major precaution you left out is to ALWAYS use a condom.

Sorry if someone has said it already but i have not read the whole thread.

I cant believe you have forgotten such an important point as this.

I have known men to be caught out because their partner has had to seek medical advice because she has caught an STD.

Women generally do keep a closer eye on that area and it often shows in the woman first anyway.

Surely one of the pleasures in life is to have fufilled sex without the need for a condom - yes it is not so good for us woman either you know .

How utterly selfish that you would potenially allow your wife or partner to expose themselves to such infections as well as the increased risk of cervical cancer and infertility.

Just the thought of it is enough to put me off sex altogether but then you would probably call me frigid and seek another outlet anyway.

in fact, i think i was wrong-you have had sex, but alas only with your computer. happy to help. now run along dear.

OP is a virgin. Fact. He imagines himself a James Bond type, but is in reality a weedy grey sort of bloke who is instantly forgettable. He thinks the women on the webcams are his girlfriends

LMAO Zombie...I had the same impression. Bless him.

But YOU would know constantly that you are having sex with others when you are in what is to all intents and purposes a monogamous relationship. You are an embodiment of betrayal and contraditions. Great mutual sex comes with honesty at the core. Once this is gone, and you've smashed that with your wife, the desire is to constantly seek what you once had. You will never achieve this, not long term anyway.

Oh and maybe your DW is doing exactly the same.

OP congratulations on what must be the longest post on MN! Impressive for a Friday morning I must say.

Not much to add to what the other ladies and gentlemen have said so well already but I did want to remind you that all dogs have their day. Yours will come too. When it does, can you please please please come post on here to let us know all the details of how your life falls apart when your found out? I want to hear all about how your wife outed you, how she's stripped you off whatever assets you had, how your family doesn't answer when you call, how your neighbours and whatever sort of friends you thought you had are taking her side as they always will and always do and shun you. Oh and please let me know how your career fares (if you have one) when your work deteriorates as your depression with being a sad middleaged skint loser has taking hold. Can't wait to hear the rest of your little story. Good luck with airing your little cock until then!

Well this has made me laugh.

OP - the sad fact is pretty much any woman could walk into a bar and have sex if she wanted to - we all pretty much know just how weak the male species is.

Sadly for sad fuckers like you - you have to woo us with taking us out and paying for things - or even paying directly for sex anyway.

So who are the clever sex??

Maybe thats why men like you put such importance on getting as much sex as possible because you cant just get it like most of the female population can - whenever you want it.

Believe me if you were a woman and had no problem getting a shag whenever you wanted you wouldnt go to all the trouble of 'not getting caught'.

I think he's bezza mates with footlong and talleyrand.

You really are a prick. I have held down some pretty high powered jobs and know many men like you, who think infidelity is their right. In fact I was married to one who thought serial adultery alongside his happy family was fine as long as he didnt get caught. Well he did get caught and we are now divorced. I am now a lone parent, working full time and bringing up our two sons on my own and he is with someone else. He later admitted he never wanted a divorce, just some extra curicular fun

My kids think their dad is an arse, my youngest son is quite ashamed to admit to his friends that his dad has left his family and built a new one elsewhere, so now never talks about his dad at all at school. He doesnt like his new stepsiblings and doesnt want to go to stay with his dad anymore. He wants to change his surname to mine. He is 9. Thats a lot of baggage to leave a small child to carry.

If you want to know what effect infidelity can have on your family go and have a look at the threads on lone parents. Thats the reality of what happens. IMO everyone pays a high price for what you might consider a bit of fun.

OP, I don't know your intention here. The fact that millions of people commit adultery every day around the world suggests that you may well have a point.

However, in this forum a lot of people have been deeply hurt by cheating spouses and partners, and I don't think this is the right place to discuss your views on adultery

Well this has made me laugh.

OP - the sad fact is pretty much any woman could walk into a bar and have sex if she wanted to - we all pretty much know just how weak the male species is.

Sadly for sad fuckers like you - you have to woo us with taking us out and paying for things - or even paying directly for sex anyway.

So who are the clever sex??

Maybe thats why men like you put such importance on getting as much sex as possible because you cant just get it like most of the female population can - whenever you want it.

Believe me if you were a woman and had no problem getting a shag whenever you wanted you wouldnt go to all the trouble of 'not getting caught'.

Why are people giving this knob-jockey the time of day?

The fact that affairs are common does not make it 'right' in any way.

Allowing someone else to take a path in life whilst 'tricking' them is fundamently wrong.

I have absolutly no problem with people wanting exciting sexual encounters - the fact that the only way to do that is at the expense of someone else is very very sad.

Unfortunately there are too many people who follow their own rules but like the control they have over others and would not like to be treated the same way by their partners.

you see, this is what tw*t posters like this op do, so perhaps we should see it positively:-

elastaghoul, you sound fab.

Let's hope you never suffer from impotence.

Happywoman, I'm not entirely sure that post is helpful. It's one of the most sexist things I've read on here! I mean some of it might be true but I don't really feel it retains the moral highground iyswim.

elastagoul - i remember your posts.

The trouble is they often follow the same script but dont realise that the same ending is on the cards for many of them too.

A dear friend has just gone through it and i pretty much told her the whole sorry story word for word. Her dickhead of course cant see it yet - he has lost everything now and will of course now blame his soon to be ex for it all - because she couldnt get over it.

But the very FACT that it is wrong makes it exciting - take away the "wrongness" and you lose the excitement.

Does no one else feel like that?

I know it is sexist but come on its pretty much true.

I dont want to take the moral highground - pretty much all the men i have know who have cheated just havent realised a lot of what really goes on.

I cringe all the time when i see it happening in clubs and bars.

The op is obviously one of those stereotypical men who honestly thinks his cheating is ok as long as he does not get caught - which in my experience is pretty much all cheating men. (and to be fair some woman too).

You are a cunt. And a virgin. And bald. And short. And penisly challenged. And a fantasist.

OP, as you say - your wife works away alot and you have not got hurt as you don't know if she also is sleeping around, just wondering if you use protection yourself with her as you don't know where she has been?