This is my first NM posting - and first of all let me say that I am male and in this I am attempting to explain the thought process a man has when considering infidelity. I am trying to bring something to the party from the other side of the fence and explain why people cheat (and how...).
First of all let me say that the majority of relationships I've had (both in and out of wedlock) have been with other people?s wives. I enjoy the excitement it brings now and enjoyed the freedom it conferred when I was single (not in terms of commitment but in that it allowed a passionate and exciting "fling" without any of the ties that come with a relationship).
As someone else?s partner, when embarking on "extra-curricular" activities it should be emphasised from the outset that one has an over-riding responsibility NO TO GET CAUGHT. Reading some of the heartbreaking experiences other posters are going through no one would wish to inflict that an ones partner.
So, cutting to the chase, why cheat at all? DW and I have a good physical relationship however, in my experience, sexuality is as diverse and varied as the clouds in the sky and we all have fantasies and desires we would be ashamed to admit (even sometimes to ourselves!). The likelihood of finding a partner who matches you perfectly in the regard is remote, however the majority (and I do think it is the majority) of people manage very well without feeling the need to indulge their primal urges outside their own marriage.
Some of us are not satisfied within the bounds of that relationship - at this point choices exist. End your relationship (could be a baby/bathwater scenario there!), sit on your desires (noble, restrained, admirable), have an ?affair? of some description (dangerous and fraught with hazards).
I would postulate that ?diversions? fall into two broad types. A. Partner feels neglected / unloved / unattractive / taken for granted and seeks affirmation in the arms of another. B. Partner wants a type of sexual interaction their husband / wife is uncomfortable / unwilling to consider.
Type A: You have issues within the relationship - don?t have an affair - either sort out the relationship or move on - one life at the end of the day.
Type B: The relationship may be 95% good - either sit on it or carefully seek an outlet elsewhere.
And it is in Type B that the rub, dear readers, falls. So let?s say - and remember that in this instance my experience is with other peoples wives - you decide to seek an outlet.
- You need someone who will be utterly discrete. Only sensible option, imho, is someone else?s partner, someone who has no intention of disrupting their marriage but seeks a little diversion. They have as much to lose as you do and will understand the need for a communications ?curfew? when partners are around.
- Have an e-mail account solely for cheating. Protect this scrupulously and delete as much as possible.
- A pay as you go phone is a must. This should be the ?work phone? you leave switched off and locked in your briefcase when at home.
- Always always always pay cash when conducting your ?business? elsewhere.
- Never be tempted to take risks with communications when your partner is around.
- This is the really key one - define the limits of the relationship from the outset. My current diversion and I do not kiss - this is an intimacy reserved for our partners. We have fantastic relations on an infrequent basis and always fuelled by intense cyber fore-play which leads to explosive meetings.
Why am I taking the time to write all this - well, I want to reassure some of you that seeking outlets elsewhere need not end in disaster if you are careful. Secondly remember that you have a responsibility not to mess it up if you do - risks are exciting but you must be careful at all times.
It is a universal truth that what you don?t know doesn?t hurt you. You will be surprised how many of you, while seething with outrage at my cynical perfidious dalliances, will be in exactly this position as your partners slake their thirsts elsewhere (look how many ?I can?t believe its me post there are.....). What you haven?t found out hasn?t hurt you - and provided your DH/DW acts responsibly it never will.
I would welcome your thoughts and observations (but let?s try and keep it reasoned and rational!). Happy to discuss further in private......