dh doesn't want another child, I do. reallly think this could break us

[silverfrog]

Well, just that really.

I want another child, dh doesn't. We were always going to have 3, and now he has changed his mind.

We have 2 dds, and I love them dearly, but really, really want another. After dd2 was born, we were having a bit of a rough patch, and agreed to postpone trying for number 3. Dd2 will be 4 soon, and dh is now adamant he doesn't want anymore.

I'm not sure I can accept this (although what choice do I have?)

what are his reasons? are they valid?

He has other cther children too I think?

There is no good answer to this one, is there? You've done the talking?

Yes, he has other children - 2, now grown up.

I suppose his reasons are valid - he feels too old now, thinks we don't have enough energy. Dd1 is disabled too, which puts a different kind.of stress on things.

I think he could have at least told me we were on limited time (he is older than me by a fair bit). And I really.don't think that, aside from obvious baby chaos, another hold would add too much to the mix. Life is not ever simple and quiet round here anyway.

We are currently Not Talking about it, as it just leads to rows.

*another child

Hi Silverfrog

Just wanted to let you know that I have been in your position. Had 2 dc's and always pictured having more. It turns out the fact that H didn't want another was due to other serious issues within our relationship that I didn't know of at the time.

I have a number of friends who's DH's don't want another due to their concern that it will lower the families standard of living.

Donyou know why your DH doesn't want another.

"It turns out the fact that H didn't want another was due to other serious issues within our relationship that I didn't know of at the time."

I had this with my H.

If you cannot resolve this alone, may I suggest couple counselling? It is a big decision and a hard one to live with regardless of the reasons. Couple counselling will help you get those issues out into the open and deal with whatever decision you make in the future.

Good Luck.

I can't see it being resolved at all, tbh. It's not one that is soluble, is it?

I don't think I can live with the finality.of not trying.for another, he doesn't want one whatever happens.

Bollocks.

This is nearly always an issue when one partner has children from another marriage and is a bit older.

Sorry.

If he doesn't want another he needs to step up and get himself snipped.

Expat, I think he would get the snip like a shot, tbh.

He probably hasn't because the finality of it would.spark some.frank talks, outcome of which very.much up in the air.

So really, we are both avoiding the issue, which isn't a solution (well, it is for him). But I am increasingly beginning to thinka split might be the answer

You really think it's worth it, though, I mean, from your daughters' point of view?

How old are you?

I think you should get some counselling on your own first, tbh, before making a decision like that.

Would you split up because you want to find someone else to have a child with, or because you feel differently about your DH because he won't have another child?

I agree with expat re the counselling.

It's not worth my daughters growing up with a seriously unhappy mum.

But yes, dd1 in particular would struggle with the concept.

I am early 30s.

they might not share your opinion, sadly. they might think, 'why wasn't i/weren't we enough?' or something else. and they have a way of finding out about stuff like this.

it could wind up being quite damaging.

that is why you should really, truly see a counsellor, more than once, on your own about this and your feelings.

it's only fair to them, because they have to live with your decision, and his.

they have no choice in that.

It's not worth you daughters growing up with a seriously unhappy parent. Get counselling it will help both of you and your daughters, regardless of the ultimate decision.

Oh Silverfrog - sorry I posted before your response on reasons why. I really sympathise. I desperately want more children but circumstances have made this unlikely. I can see this from both your POV. It doesn't make it any less sad. I guess explaining to him how much it means to you (after a break in discussions) is the only option

Or leaving him to find someone else and will you find someone you love as much easily????

Interesting question, FallenMadonna.

Primarily it would be because I feel cheated, tbh. we were always going to have more children. we agreed on that all along. it got postponed, mostly due to having to fight dd1's cause - all sports of statement.g shit, meant that we got a bit lost as a couple - you know, young children, lots to do, stress all round.

Roll on a couple of years (as these things do), and all of a sudden when we are asked when we're going to have the next one (as always happens at family dos), dh'a answer is suddenly "not going to happen"

I do feel as though o have wasted years with him, being strung along.

I wouldn't immediately be off out looking for someone to have children with - not sure where I'd meet them anyway, as single parent to a disabled child! - just not sure I can get my htrad around the about turn from dh, or the loss of what we planned.

Can see your point, expat, but that would be down to how any split is handled. I could equally argue that if we stayed together, and I was unhappy, they would possibly still get to know I always wanted another. I cannot change that fact.

My girls are utterly fabulous, and I love them dearly, but still feel I am not done having children yet. Staying with dh and not having anymore will not change that. Leaving will not change it either.

I would ask myself some questions as to why he has changed his mind, men can be fickle characters.

Have you changed at all? Is your relationship strong? Is he concerned that after 1 disabled child you could have another 1? Is it possible he is having an affair and he is thinking about leaving you?
If all else fails stop taking your pill and get pregnant, you will get what you want and he will have no choice in the matter.
Is his job at risk and he is considering the financial implications? If you are only in your 30s why is is such an issue now, wait and see if he changes his mind in a few months time.

I meant to ask what good splitting up would do? Its not going to get you a 3rd child is it? Or if it does it will be on the rebound and that is certainly no way to bring a child into this world. IMO you are being a bit selfish and considering your own feelings before all others.

Bucketcrunch, we have both changed. We have been together 12 years, and been through some horrendous stuff - life threatening illness for both of us, dd1 being severely disabled and all the additional baggage that brings with fighting for her health and education wise. A load of shit from his ex (i am not the OW). The list goes on, tbh.

There are no financial implications (well, of course there are, but we can afford it). His job is as secure as any is. He is an expert in his field, and generally in demand.

Waiting is not an option, I have already been doing that. He has not changed his mind in nearly a year now. He will not - he is not going to suddenly get younger, and his age is one of his main reasons.

A bit rich, imo, to suggest me coming off the pill and get pregnant anyway and then go on to call me selfish. I am not on the pill anyway, so that would not be an option open to me but it is not one I would take. I would not deliberately bring an unwanted child into this world, or deceive dh in that way.

The fact is, I gave up my life to support dh in his career (moves abroad etc). I am now a sahm, as we always agreed I would be. it is my life that would alter.in the main part, not his. and now, 12 years on, he is making decisions on how my life will be, without, imo taking into account how ly.life has already change so much for him anyway.

it is not as though another child will delay my return to work - with dd1 severely disabled, a return is unlikely for the foreseeable anyway. too many appts, school runs (now that dd2 is starting) in opposite directions, etc.

If all else fails stop taking your pill and get pregnant, you will get what you want and he will have no choice in the matter

Great idea! Then OP will have a child that is resented by one of it's parents & her dh will probably resent her too.

As an unwanted child, I would NEVER recommend this route. SO many people will be damaged, and the child will be most damaged.

In this current climate with the children you already have I really would listen to your dh's reasons for wanting yo stop
it's hard going back to the baby stage when your youngest is 4
dh's grownup children might well have children soon who will play a big part in your family life
I'd let this one go if I were you
you have to respect your dh's feelings too