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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh doesn't want another child, I do. reallly think this could break us

119 replies

silverfrog · 19/10/2010 23:52

Well, just that really.

I want another child, dh doesn't. We were always going to have 3, and now he has changed his mind.

We have 2 dds, and I love them dearly, but really, really want another. After dd2 was born, we were having a bit of a rough patch, and agreed to postpone trying for number 3. Dd2 will be 4 soon, and dh is now adamant he doesn't want anymore.

I'm not sure I can accept this (although what choice do I have?)

OP posts:

ColdComfortFarm · 20/10/2010 13:04

The OP never said she regretted her whole marriage! She said she felt she had wasted fertile years since her younger daughter was born while she was being (in her opinion) strung along, told they would have another child, she just had to wait and it would be OK, only to discover (not even be told!) that her husband had unilaterally changed his mind, and that all this 'yes, but not yet' stuff wasn't true at all. OF course it would not make sense to break up a loving marriage and happy family over an issue like this, but surely the point is that her husband's very abrupt change of mind, his decision not to discuss it with her but instead announce it as a fait accompli to others, and his percieved lack of interest in his wife's feelings and desires, is toxic to a marriage. If she feels betrayed, let down, lied-to, whatever, then this isn't a happy relationship and people do split up over less. I'm sure the OP would rather stay in her marriage with her children, but when you resent your husband, it's hard to be his wife! So communication/counselling and expressing feelings to try to get over this and find an understanding seems to be the way forward. I really do wish you luck.

LeninGhoul · 20/10/2010 13:06

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdComfortFarm · 20/10/2010 13:07

It seems I agree with catsmother, with whom I cross-posted! True re sex life. I'd find it very hard to have an enthusiastic sex life under those circs.

LeninGhoul · 20/10/2010 13:08

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Original poster

silverfrog · 20/10/2010 13:37

catsmother - you have it pretty much exactly right.

to be fair to dh, though, he didn't just blurt it out.

We lent db and sil our baby stuff, and when that started coming back (was lent on the understanding we didn't care what happened to it in use, but please don't donate to charity as we may well have more - Dniece is only 10 months old, and dh was totally onboard with that train of thought at the time) dh started saying little things like "must sort out what we are doing with all that baby stuff"

things which are crystal clear now, but I took to mean "shift it out of the hallway please, it is getting in the way" rther than "shift it down to the charity shop"

and then initially said a "hmm, well, we'll see" answer instead of a blunt "no" when asked by others'. but his answer has only become more set as more people ask, and I can't see it would change now.

the rest of your train of thought is fairly spot on, tbh.

OP posts:

carmenelectra · 20/10/2010 13:42

Silverfrog, I can totally sympathise with you!

I have 3 dc's and I would sometime in the future like a fourth. My dp is the kind of bloke that isn't fussed either way, not exactly mad for more kids but would agree as he knows I would like another. Infact we have had this conversation before and he has said I could if I really wanted.

However! I broached the subject of the 4th a few days ago- for the future(maybe 2 yrs time)- not now. He said no way. I explained it wouldn't be yet as 2 of our dc's are little and he still said no chance. Basically, he has a child from a previous relationship as well which i think is significant(as expat pointed out) plus he thinks we have enough on our plate. He basically doesn't want to do it all again.

Now I am furious that he has apparently changed his mind. To me this is very important and I am very much the type of person to live with regrets and I do not want to be in the situation where it is ten yrs down the line and its too late and I am resentful. What the hell do you do though? Does the feeling go away with time?

At the minute I cannot bear to speak to him.

catsmother · 20/10/2010 13:52

Silver - think you're being very generous about the blurting out thing. How were you supposed to deduce that "sorting out" the baby stuff meant no more babies ? ... and TBH, having not been told any different, I'd have interpreted the "we'll see" thing in response to other people as him protecting his (and yours) privacy. After all, trying for another baby isn't something a lot of people feel happy to discuss with anyone except their OH. In your shoes, I'd have still felt very shocked when I overheard the first "no" - to someone who wasn't you !

homeboys · 20/10/2010 14:03

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NorthernSky · 20/10/2010 14:13

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carmenelectra · 20/10/2010 14:57

Homeboys, that's the problem, I think I will think about it too much! Can't suddenly imagine it going away. The maternal urge is so strong isn't it and men do not understand.

Bucketcrutch · 20/10/2010 18:34

Well from the sounds of it if the OP continues to insist that she is allowed to have a child then its father(whom ever that maybe) will grow up resenting it.

We women always say that NO means NO, why doesnt it work the other way when our DH/DP say it?

Acanthus · 21/10/2010 09:45

I think Northern's post shows really clearly how people's thoughts naturally evolve over time. Your DH's have. Maybe yours will in the end, if you can talk it over.

RunnerHasbeen · 22/10/2010 15:08

Would you consider looking to adopt a 2/3 year old as a compromise, if it was possible. It would give you the family dynamic you want without all the extra years of age, watching you ill during pregnancy and risk of a similar disability (you suggest a familial link earlier - I'm just going from that, not saying it would be completely risk free) that he doesn't want.

Heartbreakingly, compromises are almost impossible in these situations, so this is all I can think of. At least see if he'll discuss it, good luck to both of you.

FoghornLeghorn · 22/10/2010 15:21

This is a really difficult situation and I'm not sure there is a resolution to be honest.

I am currently having this battle but it's with myself. On one hand I'd desperately like another and feel like I definitely wouldn't want to leave it any longer to have another due to other DC's ages ... but.... on the other hand my DC's are getting so much easier, we are all moving on as a family, I want to be able to give them more like holidays etc which another DC would mean we wouldn't be able to do those things for financial reasons.

It really is a battle and I'm sorry you're going through that

poshsinglemum · 22/10/2010 18:40

Do you really want to bring another child into your relationship if you are having issues. I'd try to be happy with the two you have. Must be tricky. Your 2 dd would feel awful if you left; like they weren't good enough.

poshsinglemum · 22/10/2010 18:46

I don't blame you for feeling let down tbh but people do change their mind about children. It dosn't help the pain tho.

TheFallenMadonna · 22/10/2010 18:52

It is certainly possible to really think you do want something, and then in putting it off for a while realise it's not what you want any more. I always wanted three children. We put it off after having our second, and then several years later, when it became a bit now or never, it dawned on me that we were done. I'm not sure what I would have done had DH not felt the same.

Acanthus · 23/10/2010 10:22

I had exactly the same experience, fallen. Thought we'd have three, ended up with two.

siblingrivalry · 23/10/2010 10:56

Silver my heart goes out to you, it really does. I am also heartbroken at the thought of not having another child. Like you, I have 2 dds and dd1 has ASD.

I always wanted 3 children and am finding it so hard to accept that there will be no more because I don't feel 'done' yet. But dh is adamant that he doesn't want any more -mainly because we are stretched to our emotional and physical limit with dd1's needs.

I have to admit, as much as it pains me, that there's a good chance another baby would break us. Our relationship is often fragile, because we are under so much pressure and strain a lot of the time.

I feel like, after caring for dd1 and fighting for help for her, I have hardly any head space or energy left. And what little I have automatically goes to dd2 -I feel eternally guilty at how much she misses out on . So that's what gets me through -the knowledge that, in our situation, dd2 would be the one to lose out and that's just not acceptable.

I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, because everyone's situation is different.
But this is how I rationalise it to myself.

It still hurts like hell,though, and doesn't stop me physically aching for another child at times. I know how hard this is and I really hope you can find a resolution x

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