dh doesn't want another child, I do. reallly think this could break us

[silverfrog]

Well, just that really.

I want another child, dh doesn't. We were always going to have 3, and now he has changed his mind.

We have 2 dds, and I love them dearly, but really, really want another. After dd2 was born, we were having a bit of a rough patch, and agreed to postpone trying for number 3. Dd2 will be 4 soon, and dh is now adamant he doesn't want anymore.

I'm not sure I can accept this (although what choice do I have?)

I'm sorry but I think you are being quite selfish.

Surviving life threatening illness, a disabled child, the economic climate...I think those are valid reasons for him not wanting another child. That's a lot of stuff to have dealt with, and maybe he truly doesn't have the energy for it again.

Would you really want him to say 'Oh, alright then' despite knowing he had reservations about it? It's not very fair of you to say you'd leave him as the kids 'would always know you were unhappy' because even if you got your own way, your DH would be the one always unhappy, and there is a risk that the children would pick up on that and feel all the same things about the situation. Maybe he feels just as strongly about not having another baby, as you do about having one? I wouldn't threaten to finish your marriage about this, you will either tear your lives apart or you will force him into a life that he's not sure he wants.

Silverfrog I know it must be hard but I have to agree that I think you're being quite selfish.

A lot has obviously happened in your lives and as you say your DH is a bit older than you so probably is looking forward to a bit of quiet time.

Plans can and should change over time and it sounds like a baby, any baby with anyone is more important than what you've got.

I think you should also speak to someone and try and realise what you've got and maybe get a part time job/hobby that gives you something for you.

I don't think you are being remotely selfish. This was a fundamental agreement between you, a big part of your marriage. You have given up a huge amount for your husband (career, friends and family with all those moves) and he has reneged on it WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH YOU! How awful that the first you know about this huge change of mind is his saying 'isn't going to happen' at a party. I think that's very careless of your feelings. No wonder you feel strung along. It is very normal IME when you have a disabled child to want another, even if you didn't before, so your other sibling can have a conventional sibling relationship, and also someone else to share the emotional difficulties of older parents and a disabled sibling in later life (not saying you should have a child to be a carer, btw). And also you have made your life around your family, with the promise of another child always there, and now to have it taken away..., well, I sympathise. Have you made it clear what a big deal this is to you emotionally? HOw seriously you take this unexpected reneging on a fundamental pillar of your marriage? Does he know how you feel? And how old is he?

Sorry, but I think you are being selfish.

If your marriage is so shaky that you are prepared to leave him over this then for God's sake focus on the kids you already have and either fix your marriage or decide whether you want to divorce. DON'T throw another child into a messy situation.

I was in a similar situation in that I was desperate for no3 and had very anti dh.We discussed it ad nauseam.In the end we had a conversation in which I pointed out that I felt that I had subsumed many of my ambitions in order that he could persue his goals ,that however I had things in life that I wanted to achieve too and that one of those was to have another baby.I knew that I would regret this for the rest of my life however I would not force it and I would not discuss it again;too painful and no point in nagging.
I left it then ,after a few days he brought the subject up we discussed his reservations and he said that he had not thought of it as me once again putting my ambitions hopes and goals on hold.We agreed to try again and 18 months later ds3 was born ,he has brought a great deal of happiness but I was worried to start with about dh and his relationship at times it has been hard but dh adores him just like the others .He has often commented on the unexpected joy that he has brought to our lives

Silverfrog - I sympathise as I have had the a similar issue.

DH never really wanted children apparently. Although I had been very clear from very early on that I did. By the time he agreed to it - with threat of me leaving if we didn't try - we had various other issues, one of which was impotence. Anyway - long story short - one shot of IVF and I (at age 37) conceived DS who is now 9. We moved countries when I was PG and DH was not keen on trying for another where we where and then admitted he didn't really want another. Was happy with the one we had. And he is a great Dad and adores DS.

Fast forward to DS being 3 and we move again. This time we look into IVF here. By the time we can actually do it (and a lot of the delays were be not prioritising it), I was 42 and it didn't work. I found the process quite brutal here and for due to that and the fact that due to my age I was advised it would be unlikely to work, we didn't try again.

I was desperate for another. We had HUGE rows from when DS was around 1 until DH finally agreed to try again when DS was 3. HUGE rows. I threatened to leave him. He threatened to leave me. I used to scream at him that I would end up resenting him so much that I would hate him.

We are now 5 years further on and as I said earlier DS is now 9. I have the occasional pang about not having any more but you know I am very happy with what I have. I have accepted that for us this is maybe what was meant to be.

I did contemplate trying again with donor eggs and had a long chat with DH and he really wasn't happy about it. His age being one - he will be 50 this year. The financial aspect. The general impact on the lifestyle we have now. And the risks of potential having a child with disabilities and what that would mean not just for us but for DS and the responsibility that would confer on him when he is older and we may not be around.

I just wanted to say that it is possible to move on. I really feel I have come out the other side. And yes sometimes I am still sad about never having another but mostly I am very happy.

And DS assures me he is happy too. All his friends with siblings are envious of him!

Cold sorry but if you read OP then you'll see that they did have another DD after their first one, she has 2 not 1.

Yes I know she has two children. That's what I said

I had this with my dh, but it was exacerbated by his refusal to have a vasectomy and his use of the withdrawal method because he knew putting a condom on would wreck my mood.

So I had about seven years of hoping for an accident every month. It nearly pushed me to the point of a nervous breakdown, and in the end I was so angry and resentful that I had an affair - I think possibly to punish him.

He knows about everything and we have had counselling, both separately and together.

The point is, one of you will have to give in, and I recommend tons of communication and honesty with yourself and each other about what is most important to you. Don't let resentment simmer.

I wish we had both been more openly assertive. We dealt with it horrendously badly, and the fallout has been massive.

And do you know what? I built other things into my life, and while I'll always have a bit of sadness about that, things are okay.

Sometimes biological urges are a bloody nuisance, but they do pass with time.

It's hard and I sympathise.

Cold sorry I misread your post.

However, there are 4 children involved not just 2 so again there is support.

I suppose what you have to ask yourself is - is your wanting another child more important and more valid than his not wanting one - i.e. should your desires take precedence over his? And the second question to ask yourself is - do you want a third child more than you want your DH and the stable family you currently have - i.e. are you prepared to jeopardise what you have for this third child?

I often feel when reading posts on MN that the desire to have a(nother) child seems to be regarded as the trump card - that no-one has the right to deny you that, and that if you don't fulfil it something terrible will be the result. But actually, as Buda says, it is possible to make your peace with not having just what you want but compromising with another person.

'It's not worth my daughters growing up with a seriously unhappy mum.'

This really stood out to me. But it is worth your daughters growing up in a single parent family because you wanted another child?

I'd really urge you to get some professional counselling to see if there is a way of staying in a (what seems to be otherwise very happy) marriage is surely worth a go?

I don't think that I ever felt that it would be worth jeopardising the family we had, however in irrational moments the thought did cross my md.However I did need dh to understand that this was not just a hormonal thing which wod go away with no fall out,that like the OP this was a real goal that I had in life and that it was very important to me.If we decided that indeed it was not right to go ahead I would have lived with that but I did need us to have that discussion,I felt he owed me that and I needed it for my peace of mind .

Why is child No3 important? Why not four. Or five. Or six ...
You have to stop somewhere. Why is it so important to stop at three instead of two.

My best friend was one of three children. She didn't enjoy it: two's company, three's a crowd. There was always one left out.

I don't think it is as simple as your desires vs his desires or husband vs so-far-nonexistent child. I think the way the husband has kept quiet about his huge change of heart for years, and started broadcasting it to all and sundry without discussing it with his wife, must feel like a betrayal and a breach of trust. And the fact that the OP has given up a lot in terms of her career etc, and supported her husband in his life, work and ambitions, but, in her opinion, isn't getting the same respect and sense of partnership back, well that strikes me as a huge problem. If he was seeing another woman, nobody would be saying 'you must stay for the children', yet who is to say this isn't a bigger problem for the OP? I'm NOT saying she should change the locks, but I am saying I can see this isn't just some selfish whim. He SAID he wanted another, changed his mind, but completely failed to consult his wife or even communicate with her, and has delivered it as a fait accompli and thinks that he doesn't have to do anything else now - not even talk to her. I think that's a problem. My husband didn't want a fourth child. I was very upset for a while, and when he realised how much it meant to me, we did try. It didn't happen, and tbh I started to feel too old myself for another baby and gave up on that dream - but he listened to me!

Yes, I speak as one of 3. It's not a great number. And why not 4? Or more? You can't always have what you want in life and you may have to get used to this one - is the issue really his lack of concern over your point of view, more than the extra child IYSWIM?

I suspect the dynamic of three is different when one is severely disabled. Even with one child with an 'mild' ASD (ie intellectually advanced, very verbal, can just about manage cafes and days out etc with fairly minimal running about/shouting/crying/chaos!) I am glad my girls have each other, and that my son with ASD has them iyswim.
OP, how old are your stepchildren? Are you and your children close to them? Can you work on strengthening those bonds? What about grandchildren - on the horizon at all?

This is very sad. I do sympathise with you, and I dislike the way your dh has just presented the final decision the way he has. However, I sort of can see why he changed. Serious illness, a disabled child, the worries everyone has over money are all valid reasons. As you say, things are somewhat chaotic at your house already, perhaps he really dislikes his homelife being this way. I mean, he is older, maybe he wants a quieter life, and more time with you.

I think the thought of leaving him over this is more worrying. Why would you split up your children's home life? And what about your love for your husband, does an unknown child really mean more to you that the father of your present children? That doesn't say much for the marriage. The kids you have deserve a happy home life, and I think their needs are priority over your longing for another.

I have only one child as I became very ill after he was born. I always thought I would have three. Dh has one son from his first marriage. He is happy with his lot, and after a little while, so was I. I can't help thinking this knowledge would devastate your kids if you were to leave over this.

Please gets some counselling or think this through to the end. It would be so sad to throw away a good marriage and break up the family.

But I really DO sympathise. Honestly, it's a hard one.x

By the way, I grew up one of three girls, until my brother was born when we were all grown. It was hell, we fought all the time, and my youngest sister felt so left out. It hasn't even improved as we have aged.

Three really can be a crowd.

Why do you want another child so much?
Is it worth destroying your family for the fantasy image in your head of having 3 kids?

Life isn't always fair and sometimes things don't go to plan, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go through the baby stage again if he's in his 40's or older. I'm sure he's thinking of the impact on you as well, he's being brave and honest imho, it would be easier for him to just let you go ahead and take all responsibility.
He's being the practical one here in all honesty.

Thanks everyone for the input. I am reading it all, and pondering.

I would like to point out that I am not threatening to end my marriage and hysterically gnashing teeth and wailing. It is not an ultimatum I would put to dh - "another child or I leave" - not really the way life works, is it?

Justa - yes I do most of the hands on stuff, and disability stuff. That's how it works for us, dh is out full time etc etc.

I think Coldcomfortfarm has it closest. While we were in the postponement phase of dc3, while all the statementing shit was at its worst, and we were at our lowest point wrt the grieving part of dd1's disability, dh's answer when asked about more children was always that he'd love more, try soon, etc. It is a sudden about turn for him to be saying absolute final "no"

As to why 3, and not go on for 4 etc. Well, 3 is what we always both thought. We are both one of 3. 2 doesn't seem quite finished.

I think if I pressed dh on this, he would admit 2 seems unfinished, but go on to cite the going to back to babies being hard, too old, etc. That's what not fair. He has never indicated this before, and I would have been happy to have one earlier, so as not to exit the baby phase - that's where Tue feeling of being strung along has come from.

Yes, we have had our issues, what couple, faced with what we have been through, wouldn't? Overall we are ok though. But this feels like one more thing for me to compromise on, not him.

Obviously we are feeling some effects from e economic climate, but really, this is not really an issue for us. Dh's job is secure, and he earns a very good wage.

My step children are older - both adults now. I can't see that there would be any great closeness for dd2 when she is older - they are 17/18 years older than her. General relations are good though.

Oh, and whoever posted about hoping for an accident each month due to contraception used? (sorry, can't scroll easily as am on phone) that's us. Dh uses condoms, well he doesn't, as he prefers jot to so relies on withdrawal.

He wouldn't blame me if I got pregnant, or expect an abortion. But it messes with my head, a LOT. I find myself hoping each month for something I know dh doesn't want. Not to mention feeling used just cor sex (a silly feeling, but it is what happens).

So yes, a lot going on I suppose.

He doesn't want another child but is relying upon withdrawal as a long-term contraceptive??? WTF!

It sounds like this situation will be resolved in your favour soon enough...

My dh and I relied on withdrawel these past six years with no mishaps. It's fairly reliable if you are careful.

Mal - he has always been in his 40s while having children with me.

And, quite frankly, this was for HIM to have thought through, and talked to me about before we got married. He has always, until this last year, been very open and frank about what he wanted, which, happily coincided with what I wanted.

He has changed, and not sure why. the serious illness was pre-dd1 (we were both, separately, ill) so can't se why thy would change his reasoning now.

things aresomewhat chaotic at ours - they will always he. such is the nature of severe ASD. another child is not going to add to that chaos much (barring more disability, which we have both thought about). if he wants a bit of a quieter time now, then he isn't going to be getting it with dd1 around!

I know things don't always go to plan. again - severe disability wasn't on my life plan. but it is MY life that has changed because of this, not his. it is me unlikely to return to work - his working pattern has barely changed (City worker, out at crack of dawn, back late). it is me who does the parenting in the week, bar the odd arrival home for a bedtime story with already bathed and pajama'd children. And yet he is pulling the rug out and changing my life again, so not only do I get to be the one who compromises due to disability, I also get to be the one who compromises on what home life is like too.

Not much compromise on his part, tbh.