dh doesn't want another child, I do. reallly think this could break us

[silverfrog]

Well, just that really.

I want another child, dh doesn't. We were always going to have 3, and now he has changed his mind.

We have 2 dds, and I love them dearly, but really, really want another. After dd2 was born, we were having a bit of a rough patch, and agreed to postpone trying for number 3. Dd2 will be 4 soon, and dh is now adamant he doesn't want anymore.

I'm not sure I can accept this (although what choice do I have?)

But it isn't fair. It is raising her hopes, and she is living in hope and having them dashed every month. That is enough to drive anyone mad. I think you need to talk more, and say to him what you are saying here. Is he very old? The age gap between your children and your stepchildren is pretty big. How old is your dd2?

I don't think you're selfish. You thought you were going to have another, and then he changed his tune, meaning, he, alone has put a block on such an important decision. You must be gutted.
If I were you though, I'd keep talking. It isn't just his decision to make, it will have a deep effect on you.Does he understand that you may resent him for many years?

Could he be contemplating or even having an affair? I am sorry and hate to raise this, but wonder why the sudden change of heart after saying 'yes' for so long.

That changes things massively - he is messing with your head.
What kind of man is vociferous in his desire not to have more children yet uses the most risky form of contraception ( and I use the word very loosely) .
He is not only being ridiculous but is also denying you (and himself) good sex, most men couldn't stop at the point of orgasm to pull out if there was a gun at their head!

What the fuck is he playing at? He would go and get a vasectomy if he was serious - pillock.

And you know what, if anything, the fact you are coping with so much means you can cope with more. IMO.

Depends on what you term very old CCF dh is not yet 50. Dd2 is nearly 4, dd1 is 6.

He had his first 2 quite early - mid 20s.

I do completely understand thati cannot just stamp my foot and have another child. wouldn't be posting here for advice if it was that easy! But it does feel a bit as though dh is doing exactly the opposite.

And that is why it is difficult. Because it isn't easily resolved, and I don't want to end up resenting him for years.

But what reasons would he have to give you to be acceptable op? He has given some, he has changed his mind, sad though that it, at least he is being truthful.

Whatever reasons he has given, you have pooh poohed them, as in, another child wont disrupt his life, only yours. That's not true, he will be financially responsible for three kids, not too. That can have a big psychological impact, no?

It is unfair that he has changed his mind this year, after all the other years, but life is unfair. I agree he needs to talk further though.

I haven't pooh poohed them, but I have disagreed.

The more noise/chaos one just doesn't hold true for out home (apart from small baby wailing, but they grow up)

Age I cannot argue with. But I do wish he'd thought about that before. We agreed to postpone trying whole stuff was up in the air with dd1. That rolled on a bit, no mention he thought he was getting too old. Now things are settled, we get asked the inevitable "when are you having more" question, and he suddenly gives a different answer.

I cannot force him to have another. The status quo will he maintained, which is nice cor him as that it'd what he wants.

But it does leave me feeling resentful.

CCF - an affair is a possibility, I suppose. Our sex life has gone downhill - me feeling resentful, coupled with just not wanting to go through the absurd cycle of hoping against hope each month just leaves me feeling its not worth the effort.

Shiney - I am not nagging him about this. I am beingthe model of restraint, Apart from some obvious sadness on my part. but nohormonal weeping, no ultimatum at all from me. nothing.

dinosaur (hello! how are you?). yes, that is a possibility. but not the reason he is giving. it is, of course, something we have thought through and talked about before. we are both from ASD families, most of us are very HFA. I think it was situational/environmental factors that have meant dd1 is so severe, but of course we cannot be sure.

justa - will have a look, thanks.

I am in the sympathy camp here. Do not think OP is being selfish at all. The guy wont even do her the courtest of discussing it properly for heavens sake. I'd be full of resentment too, but agree that starting with counselling might be the best way to work through this, but bloody make him come along too, he needs to start taking this matter seriously.

perfume- maybe you/your DP are infertile/have low fertility

every year you use withdrawl there is a 30% chance of pregnancy

I don't think you are selfish. Dh and I disagreed about having another baby. I wanted one, he didn't. Funnily enough after our first child I didn't want any more and he did. He said he always knew we would have more so didn't say anything when I said I didn't. There is no compromise as you can't have half a baby. The only vague one I can think of is to have a set time to try for a baby and it doesn't happen to leave it but that isn't ideal either.

I will always wish I could have had more children but I also know when thinking with my head what DH is right.

Silverfrog, my advice is to start communicating, and that means IMO showing your feeling. If it makes you feel like crying, CRY! Don't cry in secret. Show him that this is a big deal for you. If you are both hiding what you are feeling that's not good for your relationship. If he thinks, 'oh, it's just a slight change of plan' then he can file it away. If he is forced to realise 'this is a MASSIVE deal for my wife and she is very unhappy', then it might not change his mind, but at least you are being honest and he can make his decision based on that.

Yes I can see that three IS different when one has severe ASD

forevastudent, I am not infertile, i conceived ds the first month of trying, and dh has another child by first wife. We have used it succesfully for six year, and it would seem the op has also not fell pregnant. I don't see how the 30% figure came about, my entire family have used this method, possibly a catholic thing, and with no mishaps.

Maybe the 30% were doing it wrong

What a horrible and seemingly impossible situation silverfrog. I really feel for you.

I would echo what everybody else has said re counselling. My dh and I did this when we was having an awful time about a year or so after our severely disabled dd was born. Me desperately wanting another child and him not at all was one of our big issues- well the only one for me as far as I was initially concerned. Counselling really did help us unravel all sorts of stuff. It really was about a lot more than wanting to/ not wanting to have another child. It did work out for us.

It does seem from your posts that there is a lot lot more to this. His change of mind re having another child and also his choice of unreliable contraception could indicate some deeper power/ control issues. Of course he can change his mind re having more children, particularly when all the other unexpected life stuff has smacked you in the face- but you do really need to work through this and come to a decision one way or the other. There is a certain cruelty- intentional or not- in his reliance on the withdrawal method as it leaves you with a tiny crumb of hope that is in complete contrast with what he is saying.

I really hope you can find a good counsellor and get through this. Like I said, it worked for us. Instead of shutting / swit h

(cont'd) sorry I can't do long messages on phone. Will email you instead

I very strongly feel that even more than counselling (which I am hugely cynical about tbh) you need to really tell your husband how you feel about this. Right now, if he hasn't even seen you cry, he just won't know. He also needs to talk to you. But you can start by really letting out your feelings, not as some kind of blackmail, but to be honest. I used to have a habit of saying 'that pub looks quite nice' when out driving for the day (dh at the wheel) and he would sail past saying 'oh?' and I'd FUME! I'd think, 'how dare he ignore my idea as to where to have lunch!'. Of course, he just heard, 'that pub looks quite nice' So now I say 'STOP!!! I want to have lunch in this pub, any objections?' - works much better.

Very good point ColdComfort, it's amazing how men don't pick up on what we see as obvious clues.

Surely if he knew just how upset you were over this, he would be more careful to sit and explain his position and how he came to it? It's awful he tells family members his decision and doesn't discuss it in depth with you.

Agree ccf. Just that for us counselling really gave us the space to listen to each other. I was great at telling dh how I was feeling. Just he switched off and didn't listen. And didn't say much himself either

But essentially counselling is just that communication taking place