Would you accept your DH not loving you?

[iifsn]

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

oo thanks, fruity

that is why I have never heard the name... Jilly Cooper ain't on my reading list

theres a definate 'poor little me' thing going on.

you would have to live in a wildly different culture, inw hich you understood and were brought up in, OR come from another planet to ask whether love is a flight of fancy.

for fucks sake love, no one loves a martyr, do something about yourself

I have been lurking on this thread and wondering if it ever going to go anywhere. Its a bit like listening to John Cage...

iifsn are you for real?

ah, liking the spooky one [hgrin]

Iisfn: please think about the fact that, from the key facts you have been able to share it is obvious that your husband is in the wrong. He is not a nice person. He is much less of a good person than you are.
You were 'unfaithful' - big deal. I wonder if you were actually trying to get away from what sounds like a poisonous relationship with a poisonous man when you did that. His treatment of you since it happened demonstrates how horrible he is. It is far more horrible behaviour than what you did.

Ah, iifn, my husband doesn't "love" me either - not in the romantic sense [yes, real world etc etc]. He made that very clear before we decided to get married, though, and I accept it. I do! When we were creating our wedding vows, we agreed not to have any promises to "love" each other.

And you know what? At the back of my head it's a get-out clause ("ah well, you see, he never loved me") - so he has to work blardy hard in all sorts of practical ways to keep my approbation.

Otherwise I tease him by singing along to Steve Wright's Sunday Love Songs at the top of my voice. And telling my DCs how much I love them.

I think the thing is for me, I accept the way he is, I would no doubt be devastated if he suddenly discovered he was capable of "loving" somebody else. You are facing, I think, a different kettle of fish.

Cruella, sounds like your marriage works just fine - while your H doesn't 'love' you in that he doesn't do the red roses and romantic poems sort of thing, he makes your life better by doing all sorts of kind and nice things and generally being a good partner and good parent. You've got a deal you both agreed on, that's working for you both.
iifn sounds more like she got the bad end of a forced bargain.

cruelladepoppins - thank you for that. Yes, yours is a different scenario to why I got married. However, looking back, nothing before my marriage was ever really discussed, even when I made my mistake. Why did you decide to get married originally?

dittany - in answer to your question. No, I did not have an abusive childhood.

What is your ideal vision of the future for your family WRT your husband?

what does WRT stand for?

WRT = with regard to

with regard to

My 'ideal' vision was a happy, settled family life including a loving partnership . I am fully aware of all the ins and outs of my situation and no, it has not been easy. It is a case of being genuinely interested in how other marriages work. I know this is irrelevant to what I want but I am probably trying to see a way forward, whatever that may be.

If I have ever tried to discuss this with my H - there is no discussion or he misinterprets my expectations of expecting the 'romantic high beginning of love' to last, which I do not. But I assumed that it developed and changed into mutual friendship, caring, still intimacy etc.

I think people get themselves quite confused about all the "love" stuff and the "being in love" stuff. For instance, you can "be in love" with someone and behave very badly. It is not necessarily a license to a good partnership. I think "in like" can work very well for long term relationships, there is not the earth-shattering emotional/sexual component but then that tends to fizzle after a bit in any case.

Men in particular seem to use the "I am no longer in love with you card" with gay abandon - without really thinking about the consequences of this kind of thoughtless comment.

In a way, all that is semantics - it is what people do and how they behave that counts. And that includes being thoughtful with regard to speaking about the relationship. If you make comments that can be construed as hurtful, then there will be a negative backlash. Why don't (some) men get this?

OP - sounds as though your partner has got issues which he is projecting on to you. That one infidelity for instance - how about "getting over it" rather than the obsessive not getting over it? That smacks of OCD not to mention other possible personality disorder type tendencies.

You can't change him so I guess it's a question of whether you are prepared to put up with his thoughtlessness for the sake of family life and whatever else you get out of the relationship (finances etc?) or whether, on balance, you would be happier going solo?

I personally would not have any kind of intimate relationship with a man who did not put a lot of effort, and kind words AND actions into the relationship. Perhaps I would consider a co-parenting type of situation where you agree to have other more fulfilling relationships while maintaing the status quo and marital home? He appears to be treating your marriage like a business partnership, so you should be free to have your emotional/physical needs met elsewhere.

I don't see how he can have it all ways. Call a few shots here - he doesn't own you, even if you do wear a wedding ring.

OP - have you ever been to relationship counselling? It sounds like you both need to be able to talk openly to a third party to try and get through this impasse.

What would be the main difference to your life if you became a single parent?

I agree with Evilantsandmiasmas wrt counselling but would suggest individual counselling first. I'm not sure couples counselling would be so good at this stage. It can be very CBT in style, and focussed on getting the relationship to function in a place of negotiated stability, and I'm not sure that's where you need intervention.

Sorry, but I think SolidGold made a very valid point earlier, when she asked what it is that makes you stay. That, I think, is the question you should concentrate on, and the answers to that might be quite complex, and require work (and a bit of courage, and a companion for that journey,) to examine.

Yes, I think it is viewed more like a business partnership. I am concentrating now more on myself - however, I have become totally confused as to how men would react to my original question, whether I would get different answers. I ask this because I have been faced with the attitude in my situation that men are totally different from women, they will never talk about their feelings/want to talk about feelings towards their partner, they don't show feelings/weaknesses/vulnerabilities. In fact, being in love and feeling any vulnerability is a 'no,no' and is weak. Getting upset is weak. And, why on earth would it be ok to be in a position where there is any chance, whatsoever, of being hurt.

lifsn - I have a son. He is emotional and warm, and flourishes in a loving atmosphere. If he was in a relationship with someone who told him she/he didn't love him, I'd be (subtly) rattling the door keys. Or rather, I'd be building his sense of self to enable him to take a meaningful review of the situation.

Your dh isn't living without love/emotion. He has a whole emotional cosmos - yours - dancing around him, to his tune. I can almost feel him sucking up its energy from here. Whatever he may say, that's what's happening. Likewise, a lot of love is invisible. It doesn't manifest as red mist. So when people say they manage well without all that emotional stuff, I always wonder if, actually, they are emotionally lazy, and someone else is doing the emotional work.

I seriously think that you need to stop wondering so much about whether this is "normal", and asking more about how you feel, and why you are so distanced from your feelings.

You are posting here because this doesn't feel right to you. You are going to have to be very brave and accept that you feel that feeling.

Once you've done that, you can (and again, this takes courage,) ask yourself what stops you/stopped you from acknowledging that. And from there, you can work on what you need to make you feel strong and protective towards yourself.

And then comes the tricky part of deciding a way forwards.

Sorry but that view of "men" as a unified body of people who all feel that way is total bollocks. Is that something your H has tried to tell you?

I have seen male friends in love - some of them will talk to me (note: not even their DP, just a friend) about their massive love and commitment to their partner. One of my best male friends has just got married and he was unbelievably excited and will talk in depth about exactly how he knows that she is the woman for him etc. Other men I know are not like this, but are still loving and caring towards their partners (whether male or female partners).

It is IMO a big lie that some men perpetuate, that men "don't feel" or don't want to show weakness. That is the stereotype, so much so that I am sometimes surprised by DP's willingness to think deeply about and discuss his feelings for me, and also love/affection for friends, family etc. He is - if anything - more "lovey dovey" than I am, and FAR more shocked about the idea of being in a relationship (even a casual sex thing, let alone a marriage) without love.

Yes. I have poured a huge amount of emotion into this (but not the kind of emotion I would like). I do this with anything, when I care and it is important to me. I do believe I am reasonably in touch with my feelings. I am totally confused now about relationships, and I know this is as a result of my experiences. I am not obsessed with it - just interested.